The whole time I spent on my own in my room, I couldn’t help wishing for a change in my chemistry. Clearly, I had been attracted to the wrong kinds of men for a while. Actually, I knew my screwed up reasons for settling for Josh, and somewhere deep down I always knew I was doing just that – settling. He never made random gooseflesh pop up on my skin. He never set my heart to fluttering either. He was just a comfortable person to have around so that I wasn’t trapped in a vortex of having no one to care about me.
There was definitely knee weakening, goose bump inducing, heart thudding, excitement driven chemistry between Rage and I though. Sadly, I had to find a way to turn that shit right the hell off, because I couldn’t deal with it. I just couldn’t go there with someone who was no longer capable of being a person I could potentially trust.
I finally had everything from the previous day’s shopping excursion put away when there was a knock on my door. I hesitated in opening, because honestly, depending on who was on the other side, I wasn’t certain I wanted to open up. “It’s me, Charlie,” Shameless called out. Well, I couldn’t exactly refuse to open the door for the self-proclaimed father figure that had stepped into my life. Unfortunately, when I did relent and open it I got a good glimpse of Rage sitting against the wall on the opposite side of the hall. I stepped back to allow Shameless into my space, and ignored the pleading look Rage threw my way before I shut the door on him.
Shameless immediately held out a small black flip phone. “I know it doesn’t look like much, but it’s an untraceable pre-paid. We need you to have it in case of emergency so that you can contact us or we can contact you. I glanced through and saw that most of the top echelon’s numbers were already programed in, including Rage. Then I opened the texting app and saw a blast text there to all the guys informing them that this was my number. I slumped in defeat.
“I promise no one will use this phone to harass you for any reason. So, if that’s the reason for your sad face, you can just wipe it out now.” His demeanor was stern, and it made me glance up to see the hard look on his face. “Sit down, girl. We need to have a talk about how things run here.”
“Okay,” I murmured tentatively. Knowing that if he was about to tell me I had to suck it up and deal with Rage treating me like shit, or anyone else doing so, I was going to have to find a way to get free of these people. I wouldn’t trade my safety for my free will. I might as well be dead in that case.
“I want you to just listen and absorb some things before you try to interrupt me, got it?” He asked. I nodded my agreement. “The thing about biker clubs is that they are chock full of alpha males. These are men who don’t play by the rules, ones with very dominant personalities, and sometimes those dominant personalities tend to be a bit possessive. That possessiveness can come off as overly aggressive or even stupid decisions when they think what is theirs is being threatened.” He must have seen the concern in my eyes because he held out a hand to still me. “Now, don’t misinterpret “aggressive” as meaning harmful. That’s not what I mean. It’s just,” he hesitated, seeming to think through what he was about to say next. “The thing is, and I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I’m going to jump right in to the actual matter at hand so we aren’t misunderstanding each other. That man, the one sitting out in the hall moping like a little boy who had his lunch money stolen, he has never in all the years I’ve known him been taken with a female in any way that matters.” Oh boy, I was mentally packing my bags now.
“Don’t check out on me yet, Charlie. Listen.” Again, I simply nodded and waited for him to continue. “He’s never had to deal with jealousy before, because he simply didn’t care. You don’t care when you’re not connected to someone. You just don’t give a shit when there aren’t feelings or some pretty undeniable chemistry involved. That’s why the club brothers are able to share the BRATs and club sluts without issues, despite how dominant and possessive every one of us can be.” I wrinkled up my nose at him.
“Come on now, no judging. Everyone lives life their own way. Some of those guys use the girls – who sign up to be used for what they get in return – because their wives have died and while they have physical needs they don’t want to give their heart to anyone else. Some are young and sowing their oats. Others just can’t be bothered to keep it in their pants despite their vows.” He grumbled out the last a bit disapprovingly. No matter why, it’s their business. It runs smoothly, for the most part, though because no one really has a vested interest in those girls beyond a good time.”
“What about the girls though? They’re giving time to you all that they can never get back, and from what I’ve seen they’re just hanging in there for the chance to become something more to one of you.”
“They don’t see it that way, sweet girl. They see it as an adventure. Some of them are sowing their oats too in a place where they know they’re safety is paramount, the worry of STDs is low, and unwanted pregnancy is almost negligible. Some are here for protection from ex-boyfriends or families who abused them. Others are here to have a good time while soaking up a free education that we offer to pay for. Again, they all have their reasons, and the minute they no longer want to be here, they are free to go, and we give them a decent severance to send them on their way safely. The only exception to that last bit is when they betray us in some way. Then they walk away with their possessions, memories, and not much else. Everyone has freedom to choose here. No one is forced to do a damn thing they don’t want to do.” He looked at me pointedly then as if he’d been reading the fear I’d had.
“So, with that bit cleared up, we’ll move back to the issue at hand. Rage fucked up. I get your anger and you feeling betrayed. Hell, I don’t know what the fuck that dumbass was thinking by grabbing that skank out of all the girls that would normally be clamoring for his attention. I seriously think she put herself close to him on purpose, and he just grabbed the first warm body when he felt threatened by your closeness with Rabbit. I know good and well he’s out there regretting the hell out of his stupid, impulsive actions, especially after Rabbit set him straight about how completely off base he was. Now, I’m not saying you have to hook up with him or even be friendly to the man. You can even attempt to forgive him in your own time. One thing you will need to remember is that disrespect of our members isn’t tolerated. Not even by family. So, think about that the next time you go yelling things, or speaking in anger at the man who stands as our current Vice President of the Dakotas Chapter, okay?”
“Okay, so what happens to me if I lose my temper on him in front of people? It’s not like he didn’t deserve it!”
“Oh, we all know he did. Doing so in future, now that you’ve been warned though, will lead to you either being sequestered to your room like a petulant child when you’re not working, or you being made to move out of the clubhouse altogether and being banned from coming back in. That’s normally what would happen with family behaving disrespectfully. The problem in your situation is that we can’t turn you loose in public, because your life is literally in danger outside of this compound. I don’t want you to ever feel imprisoned here. And if you need to vent frustrations, yell, scream, or whatever… just dial my number, and I will come serve as your whipping boy so you don’t find yourself in trouble for that sassy mouth of yours.”
“I feel like Alice trapped in a crazy new world with no good way to turn,” I admitted. “I don’t…” I started to say and hesitated. “I’m tired, Shameless. I’ve been running, and before that I wasn’t exactly happy, and on top of everything else, I come here and find out pretty much everything I ever knew about my family was a goddamn lie. Then the first few people I meet and choose to trust… well, you saw what happened there. I can’t forgive him, because you explained he was jealous and jealousy is new to him. I’m having to wrap my brain around my life changing in drastic ways once again, and the last thing I need is some crazy bastard trying to mind-fuck me because of a perceived slight that never happened. Honestly, despite our chemistry
the last thing on my mind right now is adding another man in the mix.
“I’m still married to the one who tried to have me murdered, and I don’t know how to rectify that since I’ve been in hiding. I never thought he was anything more than I settled for in order to not feel all alone in the world, but how do you wrap your head around being a disposable payout for someone? How do you even begin to understand that your life meant far less than the anticipated payday to someone you’ve known since high school? But most of all, the thing that keeps me up at night, is that I didn’t realize what was going on. I didn’t know. I didn’t get a weird feeling, or tingly sense of imminent danger. How do I ever trust my judgment with another person again? Rage just proved to me that I was completely right in feeling that way. His actions embodied everything that has gone wrong in my life since my father died, and apparently, before that even.”
“I’m so sorry, baby girl.” Shame pulled me into his arms and held me tight. “I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t there for you sooner. I’m really fucking pissed at that idiot outside in the hallway too for taking away the little bit you were starting to get back. How about this? How about you take your time learning to trust people again, and anyone who fucks with that trust will answer to my fists!”
I giggled a little at that image. “You’re going to beat everyone up who lies to me?” I asked.
“You’re damn straight I will. Lie to you, step on your toes, put you down whatever their sin… I’ll be their judgment day. And if I think you’re trusting the wrong person, I’ll be completely honest with you, okay?”
“Okay, although, maybe take it easy on the people who legitimately just step on my toes by accident. I’m not sure they deserve your fists of fury for being less than graceful.”
He chuckled a bit. “Noted, sweet girl.” He squeezed me tight one more time before adding, “I know I’m not your dad, and I can never replaced him, but I am here for you as he would be if he hadn’t been taken from you. So, anything you need, you just ask. Don’t hesitate. If it was something you would ask of him, or talk to him about I am, now and forever more, at your service.”
“Thank you,” I whispered on a lump of emotion. “I don’t know why I immediately felt so comfortable with you, but I’m really glad I do.”
“It’s because your heart remembers me, sweet girl, even if your mind isn’t able to.” With that he stood and moved to leave.
“I like that,” I said to him before he opened the door.
“What’s that, Charlie?”
“That my heart remembers you. I like that a lot.”
“Me too, baby girl, me too.” And with that Shameless saw himself out, and I was once more left to my own devices. I understood the perspective he tried to give me where Rage was concerned, but honestly I didn’t have it in me to try to move past that bullshit. Sure, it was a small thing in the great big scheme of it all, but it was like the tiny straw that finally broke the camel’s back. At some point, my shoulders just decided they couldn’t carry any more without breaking. I needed to give myself time to heal, and to try to lighten the burden I was carrying around before adding anything more to it.
I got ready for work, and ended up heading out about 30 minutes early, even though it was in the same building. It was Saturday night, there were a lot of voices bouncing around in the hallway before I even finished getting ready, and I wanted extra time in case Rage was still spending time in the hallway waiting for me to come out.
He was not in the hallway any longer when I finally emerged from my room. Instead, I was treated to some young guy I’d noticed from my first day here. He had a different girl pinned against the wall opposite my door. His pants were bunched up under his ass, and her dress – or was it a shirt – was definitely pushed up and out of the way. I so did not need to see two people fucking in the hallway today. If this was going on at 7:30 p.m. I could only imagine how the rest of the night was going to go in the commons area. I sped past, trying to ignore the couple, when I heard him snicker. “Hey there, princess, what’s the rush?”
“Apparently some of you need to get drunk to fuck in public, so I have to go do my part. Good to know I don’t have to worry about saucing you up before you bang your bitches wherever. One less beer I have to pull tonight,” I slung back over my shoulder with a wink. The guy nearly dropped the woman he’d been pounding into the wall as he threw his head back and laughed heartily at what I said.
“Oh, fuck!” He hissed out through his laughter as I continued down the hall. “You are going to be so much fucking fun to have around here, Showgirl!” I tossed him a one-finger salute for the Showgirl nickname, and continued on around the corner and down the steps.
“Wait up!” I heard Rabbit’s voice call from behind me, and I stopped immediately with my foot on the second step down. When I turned to look he was standing there with Spinner, the guy I’d met originally at Ruby’s. “You remember my brother?”
“Of course. Nice to see you again,” I told the man who seemed to be having trouble holding on to his stoic demeanor from the club the other day.
“Don’t mind him, he’s trying not to lose his shit after you just put Flint in his place back there.”
“Flint?” I asked.
“The guy who was banging the chick up against the wall,” Rabbit explained.
“Ah, yeah, well, I went easy on him since I got a lecture about respecting assholes even if they piss me off first.” That brought a frown to Rabbit’s face. “Don’t worry, Shameless was just telling me how I could be jailed in my room for being an asshole in public to you guys.”
Rabbit came closer and grabbed my arm gently in order to get my attention. “If you need me to step in and pound some face, you just name names or point fingers. Don’t worry about those stupid rules. I mean, don’t get yourself in trouble, but you know it’s okay if we boys pound on each other.”
I laughed then. “Jesus, what is it with you guys and your offers to deploy your fists of fury?”
“Fists of fury?” Spinner asked.
“Yeah, Shameless told me almost the same thing earlier, only with a little more graphic detail thrown in. I think my dad would be proud of his protective stance,” I said without thought. The minute the words were out though, it was like a kick to my heart. I flinched at the soothing pat from Rabbit. “Sorry, still kicks me in the ass sometimes to talk about him without even realizing I’m doing it. Like he’s still here, but not.” I shook my head to clear it. “I haven’t really had anyone else who knew him, or of him, to talk to about him since he died. This is a new experience for me.”
Surprisingly it wasn’t Rabbit who responded. It was Spinner. “We get it. We lost both our parents about 10 years ago. A trucker who was too stupid to pull over and catch some sleep hit them. I think we’ve both had moments like you just did, so you never have to apologize for that.”
“Thank you, and I’m sorry about your parents. I guess we’re all members of the orphan club then?” I don’t know why I said that, but its something I’d felt over the past two years since my dad died. I felt like an orphan, despite the fact that I was an adult already. Having no one will do that to you.
“Yeah, I guess we are,” Rabbit agreed. “Come on let’s go get to slinging those drinks. These guys have bitches to bone in public, you know?” Spinner actually laughed out loud at that which made me smile even bigger. Then I wondered if either of them was the ‘bone in public type’, and figured I’d get that shit out of the way. “How about you just throw a heads up my way so I can look away if either of you happens to partake in that shit. The last thing I need is to be able to identify every fucker in here by how hairy his ass is, or how his crack looks peeking out from his jeans.”
Both guys boomed out laughter that had people from downstairs glancing up at us. “Man, I wish I had known you were this much fun that first day,” Spinner told me before he walked down the rest of the stairs chuckling and shaking his head. “I can see why my brother is so taken with you,” he
added as Rabbit slung an arm around my neck and gave me a noogie.
“Ugh, seriously, Rabbit?”
“What? You’ve got one of those messy bun things in, I was just funkin’ it up a bit more for you.” I rolled my eyes at him as we moved downstairs and crossed the wide expanse of the common area to get to the bar. We both ducked in while the prospects working back there looked suddenly relieved. “It’s not even eight,” Rabbit stated. “You telling me you can’t handle these guys in the early hours? Maybe I need to make you switch shifts with Showgirl and I next weekend.”
“No, it’s been fine,” the smaller of the two guys said immediately.
“You know how it is with us. They call out the wrong order, and…” the smaller kid elbowed the guy in the stomach to shut him up. I sensed trouble. I wasn’t exactly sure what just happened, but Rabbit’s eyes were alight with mischief at that moment.
He rang a bell at the back of the bar that got a lot of people’s attention. “Did you guys hear that? Apparently, some of you have been giving the prospects wrong orders.”
A bunch of growls of dissent rose up around them. “Oh shit,” the prospect with the big mouth huffed out. The other’s shoulders drooped as he glared accusingly at his coworker. I assumed they would both take the hit for what was said.
“Do we make mistakes when ordering our own drinks, brothers?”
“Fuck No,” was the yelled response.
Rabbit put his hand to his ear, and called out again. “I couldn’t hear you! Do. We. Order. Our. Drinks. Wrong?”
“FUCK NO!” The roar of all the deeply male voices reverberated through the very bones of the building. I felt it through the floor as the sound traveled to my feet in waves, and it made me smile. These big burly men were becoming my family in short order. Some had been my family once already when I was a little girl, and I think this was one of those moments where my heart recognized them, because I felt a warmth and a security settle over me that I hadn’t known in years.
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