I looked up and I saw him running as if he were in slow motion and he did a face plant right in the sand. My heart stopped. I froze as I witnessed the fall. The two women sitting beside me jumped up and ran over to him. I hobbled my way to where he sat crying. When he looked up, it was just like my vision. But instead of blood pouring out of his mouth and nose, it was only sand.
This type of vision and a knowing sense happens to me a lot. I get a little frightened by it because sometimes these visions come true. They do not make sense to me, and I do not know what they mean when it happens. I’ve learned not to make snap judgments of others, because the outer package is only good for a first impression. You need to go beyond the surface for a better understanding. I’ve discovered that I can no longer be embarrassed. There are many things that, before my stroke, I would have considered embarrassing. When I ask people what they think the word “embarrassment” means, the response is often “shame” or “humiliation.” I now know it means judgment—others judging you. No one has the right to judge another. The only judgment I’m accepting is God’s. So when you see me Rollerblading with my cane Steady and I happen to wipe out, you can laugh. I’ll be laughing, too. Falling is just another way of moving forward.
BECAUSE I WAS RECOVERING during much of Rory’s formative years, I was not able to teach him common tasks like tying a shoe, buttoning a shirt, or snapping his pants. But I have been able to teach him about people, and about being kind and about showing compassion. In fact, compassion has become a teaching platform for me to pass down to my son. I want him to realize that helping others is more rewarding than helping yourself. I want him to feel the power of positive thinking and attitude—the joy of seeing challenge and opportunity in adversity, which makes a victory more worthwhile.
When struggling for a title for this book, I looked to my young son and said, “Rory, help me come up with a title, I’m lost.” Without missing a beat, he said, “How ’bout My Curtains Were Closed and Now They’re Open?”
“What do you mean by that, Rory?”
“Well, before your stroke you couldn’t see everything—and now you can. If you don’t like that one, what about God Showed Me the Way?”
His insightfulness has shown me that I’m not the only one who has learned something on this journey.
Life took on an intensity after the stroke that I wasn’t able to experience before. I learned firsthand that things happen for reasons, and sometimes we get to know why and sometimes we don’t. But there is a Plan.
And I have come to accept that.
I know that no answers are possible outside of God, but I can’t really tell you what I mean by that. I’m just thankful there is an answer, even if I don’t understand it, and I lean on that answer, whether or not it makes sense to me at the time. A lot of people come out of an experience like this convinced that they have no control over their lives. I try to make things happen in the most positive way possible. Who has time to wait? God put us here to do something.
There really are angels, and if you listen, they’re always looking for a way to guide your steps, always looking for a way to explain something to you. They’re saying life is funny and difficult and pretty damn good, and when you can hear their message, even if it’s just once in a while, even if it’s very faint, you’re deeply grateful—and you’re never quite the same again.
P.S.: Thanks for all my blessings. I love life.
Acknowledgments
Special thanks to…
Original Manuscript Editor: Brandon Toropov, Beachbrook Productions For culling reams of material to get my vision of a good read. Thanks for climbing the mountain with me.
Author Photo: James Fox
Like father, like daughter? They say we’re so much alike, it’s scary. I inherited your humor. Thanks for the “funny” gene.
Mom Fox
For being my chauffeur, laundress, housekeeper, babysitter, closet organizer, note taker, sounding board. Have I left anything out? Yes, best friend. Bet you never thought you were going to have to raise me twice.
My dear family and friends
For your support and encouragement, and for making me laugh even when I wanted to cry. Thanks for always being there for me.
Linda Wilkes, Northeast Visual Communications
For your breadth of knowledge and creative spark. You are a true Renaissance woman.
I had over forty physicians caring for me after the “incident.” Two doctors who went above and beyond the call of duty I need to thank personally, and they are:
Kinan Hreib, M.D., Ph.D., Director of Stroke Services Neurology
For your medical expertise and for your insight and compassion. From the beginning, you listened and heard what the patient had to say. You are the best.
David Burke, M.D., M.A., Associate Professor, Harvard Medical School, Department of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation
For the generous doses of laughter to offset the pain of those shots you give me. Your humor is as much a gift as your medical treatment.
Robert Drillio, IAM Orthotics
For keeping me on my feet and moving in the right direction.
Pam Hinckley and Carrie Myles
For keeping my body toned and supple. Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she? For helping me get the most out of what I’m left with.
Dr. David Elpern and John St. Augustine
You are both kindred spirits who have taken up the drumbeat of the message. Thank you for your continuing support.
Chip Seelig, Mike Shatzkin, Vicky Bijur, and Marjorie Braman
The circle started with you, Chip, who believed in me and my work. You introduced me to Mike, who suggested I talk to Vicky, who presented my work to Marjorie, who believes in me and my work. The circle is complete, but the work continues.
I never really had a fire in my belly to write a book; it just seemed like so much work. All I ever wanted was to have one dedicated to me. Funny how life’s journey doesn’t always stay on course.
Julia Fox Garrison,
November 2005
appendixes
A Prescription for a Productive Doctor’s Visit
We come into this world seeing a doctor, and we continue to see a doctor until we reach the end of our journey. And while we’re here, insurance companies dictate how long we get to spend with a doctor each time we see one.
Use this checklist to get the most out of your doctor’s visit:
• Write down on an index card all medications, including prescription and over-the-counter drugs and diet supplements. Note the respective strengths and dosages. Keep the card accessible and up-to-date. Every doctor you see will ask for this information. You want to be accurate and consistent.
• Come prepared with a list of questions and concerns about your health in general and specifically about the condition for which you are seeking treatment.
• Have a family member or trusted friend accompany you into the examining room. You will have to filter a lot of information, so it helps to have an extra set of ears. Have the person take notes if possible.
• Ask about options for treatment, including alternative medicines, and possible side effects.
• Ask about additional resources that might be available to you, for example, Internet Web sites, studies, support groups.
• Have the doctor set your expectations as regards follow-up on what you have discussed today. When is the best time to call if you have additional questions? Will the doctor call you directly with test results? Is there an e-mail address that you can use for contact?
• Don’t accept anything less than coequal status. Don’t allow yourself to be talked down to or patronized. If you are dissatisfied or uneasy about your interactions, change doctors without a second thought.
• Go with your gut. If your body is telling you there’s something wrong, trust your instinct—who knows your body better than you? Persist in finding the root cause; don’t accept any suggestion that “it’s in your head.”
• Positive Outlook = Positive Outcome works. If you approach your consultation with a positive attitude and a sense of purpose, your doctor will respond in kind, and together you can work toward the desired result—a healthier you.
• Laughter is a great stress reliever and icebreaker. Use humor in your interactions to humanize the experience with your doctor.
An Open Letter to All Doctors
Dear Doctor,
As your patient, I feel fortunate to be working with you and believe our partnership will provide the best possible outcome. Your knowledge and experience combined with my commitment and determination will make it happen. I look forward to our relationship.
Besides being a patient, I am a daughter, wife, and mother. Before I became a patient, I was a business professional. My makeup—family, childhood, education, work experience, relationships, values—defines me as unique. Because I am an individual, I do not fit some cookie-cutter mold that says I will respond in a certain way to my illness. Please treat me accordingly.
You may think that I am in denial over my illness. Understand that my mind hasn’t yet grasped what has happened to my body. Let me ask the questions before you provide the answers. That way, I can come to understand what has happened to me and accept it on those terms. Then work with me to set goals that I can measure to see results.
I recognize that the insurance companies dictate how health care is dispensed and that is why your schedule is so tight, often causing you to fall behind. I’m all too familiar with waiting rooms. Those of us who are patients must by definition be patient. I do appreciate it, though, when you acknowledge the time I’ve spent waiting. While my time with you in consultation may be limited, remember that I and my loved ones must cope with my illness 24/7. With that in mind, you can greatly relieve my anxiety by setting my expectations with respect to follow-up and future contact, be it another appointment, phone call, e-mail, or something else. You might also consider providing a handout such as a list of frequently asked questions, Web sites, or reference materials that offer additional information about my condition. This would help to reduce my uncertainty and make our time together more productive.
Something else I would ask you always to be sensitive to—my dignity. Remember, above all else, I am a human being, not just a mass of protoplasm. Don’t put a label on me because the classic symptoms of my illness predict a certain behavior when what you are witnessing may just be a part of my personality. If you have grim news, lead me to it gently but honestly, and always hold out hope. As my partner, I want you to share my motto: Positive outlook = positive outcome.
As a doctor, you are highly educated, but don’t ignore that font of knowledge before you: me. I’ve spent a lifetime in this body; I know it intimately. Ask me what I think. And when you acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers and that perhaps I should seek another opinion, I will only admire you more, for your humility. After all, we have a common goal—getting me well.
Thanks for hearing me out. I know I’ve put a lot on your plate, maybe more than your Hippocratic oath prepared you for. But when you accept me as your patient, you also take on the role of educator, adviser, and confidant. One more thing: Come equipped with a sense of humor. Sometimes it can be the best medicine.
With hope and gratitude,
Your Patient
Basic Dos and Don’ts for Doctors
Lead. Lead the patients without using murky medical jargon.
Inspire. Inspire your patients to create their own goals.
See. See the unique characteristics of each patient.
Trust. Enable your patients to feel safe and confident.
Encourage. Provide positive words of hope, courage, and support.
Nurture. Treat the mind as well as the body.
Don’t try to be God.
Do recognize that you have a gift from God.
Don’t treat your patient as a number.
Do acknowledge that every patient is unique.
Don’t assume that drugs are always the cure.
Do promote healthy alternatives—diet, exercise, overall well-being.
Don’t treat the symptoms only.
Do treat the root cause.
Don’t limit the parameters of the treatment.
Do think outside the box—acupuncture, natural, meditative.
Don’t introduce negative patient labels.
Do provide positive feedback and encouragement.
Don’t be too busy to return calls.
Do set expectations on when and how you will get back to your patient.
Don’t ignore a patient’s intuition.
Do put your trust in the relationship.
Don’t put limits on the outcome of recovery.
Do suggest that improvement is ALWAYS possible.
Don’t assume that you are the superior in the relationship.
Do accept that you are an equal partner.
About the Author
JULIA FOX GARRISON lives north of Boston with her husband, young son, and dog. Before her stroke, she had a successful career as a software support manager. Now she is regularly invited as a motivation speaker to doctors’ groups around the country.
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PRAISE FOR
Julia Fox Garrison and Don’t Leave Me This Way
“Garrison can write. She is sharp, terse, tough, and wry, especially wry.”
—Detroit Free Press
“Worth reading, every page of it.”
—Philadelphia Inquirer
“Fierce optimism and even fiercer wit…. Unique tone and utterly un-maudlin appeal.”
—Elle
“Garrison is exceptional because of her response to her experiences, not because of them.”
—BookPage
“Inspiring…. A moving story that pulls readers through her most humbling and most triumphant moments.”
—Boston Magazine
“It’s as if your wise-cracking neighbor, the one who can always come up with a biting yet hysterically funny story in any disaster, turned a handicap into a stand-up routine. Garrison has an edgy sense of irony that prevents the horrendous events…from becoming too maudlin or depressing. Readers can bring this book to the beach and laugh out loud…. There are also moments showing Garrison’s incredible sensitivity.”
—Chicago Sun-Times
“Wickedly humorous, brutally honest.”
—Chicago Tribune
“Inspirational is too weak a word to describe Garrison’s memoir.”
—Booklist
“The inspiring story of a feisty woman who stands up, literally and figuratively, and fights for her rights as a human being.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“Her humorous, tear-jerking, struggle-to-recover-against-all-odds story is a lesson in finding silver linings.”
—Publishers Weekly
“A stroke (literally) of luck helped define the essence of her life. Her inspirational story can help us find ours.”
—Mehmet Oz, M.D., author of You: The Owner’s Manual
“Julia Fox Garrison is living proof that it matters little what happens to you—but it matters greatly how your respond to what happens. Her inner strength, fortitude, and sense of humor are a blueprint for anyone who has forgotten that hope not only springs eternal, but also is available to them no matter what may come their way.”
—John St. Augustine, talk radio host and author
“This book changed the way I practice medicine. All doctors who read this will forever have Julia in their hearts and minds when they talk with patients about serious issues.”
—Gary Sobelson, M.D., president, New Hampshire Medical Society
“Julia Fox Garrison’s story isn’t just about her own recovery; it’s about the best in all of us. Julia helps us access our own strengths as we read about hers.”
—Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., professor, H
arvard Medical School
“What is it that makes Julia’s story a gem in a sea of others’ with life challenges? We’d have to say she has raised the bar on honesty and irreverence…to the level of sacred.”
—Brenda Michaels and Rob Spears, hosts of Conscious Talk Radio
Copyright
DON’T LEAVE ME THIS WAY. Copyright © 2005, 2006 by Julia Fox Garrison. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub © Edition NOVEMBER 2008 ISBN: 9780061979729
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