by Gina Wilkins
“Hi, Ron, how’s your afternoon…oh, my gosh, what happened?”
Though she remembered that he’d worn a white shirt, red tie and gray slacks beneath his white coat that morning, he wore blue hospital-issue scrubs now. His expression was so grim she knew something must have gone very wrong for him.
The spots of dark color on his cheeks indicated either anger or embarrassment, maybe a mixture of both. He spoke from between clenched teeth. “I screwed up. Big-time. Damn it.”
Pushing herself out of the computer chair, she took a step toward him. “What did you do?”
“Dr. Cudahy let me remove a patient’s central line. I’ve done that a couple of times before with my preceptor, so I felt pretty confident. Thought I’d impress the attending and the resident. Like an idiot, I pulled out the line—and forgot to put pressure on the site.”
Haley winced, imagining the arterial blood spurt that would have resulted. “I hope you and the patient were the only ones in the vicinity?”
“Oh, no. That would have been bad enough, of course, but Drs. Cudahy and Prickett were standing close enough at the time that we all got splattered. Prickett and I were wearing paper gowns, so only our collars and pants were hit, but Dr. Cudahy thought she was standing far enough away to be safe. She wasn’t. She got sprayed. She had to go change into scrubs.”
Haley could imagine how humiliated Ron must be feeling right now. It was bad enough to make a mistake in front of a resident, but even more galling to have the attending be both a witness to and a victim of the error.
She was tempted to remind Ron that she’d warned him to be more serious and resist his natural inclination to perform. But this wasn’t the time for I-told-you-so. Right now, he just needed a friend.
She rested a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry, Ron. I know that must have been embarrassing. But everyone makes mistakes. Dr. Cudahy and Dr. Prickett know that. I’m sure they’ve made more than a few, themselves.”
Her words didn’t seem to help much. She could still see bitter self-recrimination in his expression. “It was such a stupid thing to do. Any moron should have known to apply pressure. They probably all think I’m an idiot.”
“They don’t think you’re an idiot.”
“I am an idiot. Damn it.”
He was taking this relatively minor setback much harder than he should. Haley knew Ron had a streak of insecurity hiding behind his wisecracks and devil-may-care attitude. It had made an appearance during an outburst in the study group when he’d accused himself of holding the others back, implying that they’d all been carrying him through the first two years of classes and exams. He’d even offered to leave the group if they’d thought he wasn’t up to their level, to everyone’s shock.
They’d firmly assured him that he was as valuable a member of the group as any of them, and that not one of them had ever considered him a liability. Not even Haley, even though she’d occasionally complained that he didn’t take his studies seriously enough and that he was too willing to accept the possibility that he could wash out before the end of medical school. She’d challenged him to be more positive, to stop playing the clown and be more serious and more determined to succeed against all odds, but she’d never even suggested he didn’t belong among them.
She’d wondered ever since what lay behind that deeply buried self-doubt. From the very few remarks he’d made about his family, she strongly suspected the lack of confidence had been instilled years earlier. Setbacks like this, though more galling than significant, just seemed to reinforce his own self-doubt. What he needed more than the sympathy she’d already offered, she decided, was a metaphorical slap to rouse him from the self-pity party.
“You screwed up, Ron,” she said, keeping her tone matter-of-fact. “It wasn’t the first time, and it certainly won’t be the last. Suck it up and get over it. You won’t make that particular mistake again.”
He blinked a couple of times, then frowned. “Yeah, you wouldn’t be so casual about it if you’d given Dr. Cudahy and your resident a blood shower.”
“I’d want to find a deep hole and climb into it,” she admitted frankly. “But then I’d tell myself to keep going and do better next time. It’s what I always do when I make a mistake—and I’ve made my share.”
He nodded, his expression hard to read. She wondered if her words had really made an impression or if he was just placating her when he said, “Yeah, okay, thanks. You’re right, of course.”
“Ron—”
His mouth tilted into his usual cocky grin and he shrugged, cutting in with a dry laugh. “Hey, I got a good story out of it, right? Connor and James are going to love this. Hell, by the time I embellish it a little, it’ll be hysterical. Wait until I tell them about the looks on Prickett’s and Cudahy’s faces.”
She knew he would give no further insight into his feelings about the incident. She’d just happened to see him before he’d had a chance to erect his usual barriers, to hide his true emotions behind what she thought of as his jester’s grin. Had she run into him a couple of hours later, she’d have heard the funny story and completely missed the distress beneath it.
It bothered her that he still felt the need to hide those feelings from her. From all his friends, she corrected herself quickly. There was no reason to think he’d be any more forthcoming with her, in particular, than with the others.
“You’re sure you’re okay?” she felt compelled to ask.
There was no reading the expression behind his eyes when he replied, “Oh, sure. I just need some clean clothes and a big ol’ chunk of chocolate cake. Wouldn’t have any on you, would you?”
She forced a little smile in return. “Not at the moment. But I’ll make you one later, if you like.”
“A pity cake?” He gave a short laugh and patted her cheek in a gesture that made her go from wanting to comfort him to wanting to punch him. “That’s our Haley. Always there to boost the morale.”
Before she could answer, he dropped his hand and moved toward the doorway. “I’d better go finish my assignments. See you tomorrow, Haley.”
He was gone before she could respond.
Ron parked in the lot of Haley’s apartment building Wednesday evening, then sat looking at her window for a few minutes. He was there to study for the shelf exams they would take at the end of their medicine rotation. They’d invited Hardik to join them. He’d agreed, but he’d said he might be running a little late and urged them to start without him.
It annoyed Ron that he was oddly hesitant to be alone with Haley until Hardik arrived.
A few days earlier, he’d been irritated with Haley for letting her matchmaking patient’s teasing put awkwardness between them. Now he was the one feeling awkward because he’d let her see his chagrin at the careless mistake he’d made in front of his resident and attending.
They hadn’t discussed the incident since, though there had been some ribbing from his resident during rounds Tuesday morning. Haley had not joined in the teasing, and she’d been quick to change the subject as soon as she was able. She’d considered herself rescuing him, he supposed.
He shouldn’t be so perturbed that Haley knew about his gaffe. As she’d reminded him, they all did something wrong at some point in their training. Not that he’d heard of her doing anything as stupid as he had that afternoon. What galled him the most was that she’d seen him before he’d had a chance to hide his embarrassment and resulting self-doubt.
Telling himself he would just laugh it off if she brought it up this evening, turning the whole incident into a self-directed joke as he always did, he exited his vehicle. She probably wouldn’t even mention it, unless she felt compelled to give him another bracing pep talk.
As he walked toward her door, he found himself hoping she’d made that chocolate pity cake. He wouldn’t turn down chocolate, no matter what the motive behind the offering.
Already wearing his usual practiced grin, he rang her doorbell. The grin faded when he saw her face. She was smili
ng, and her makeup looked freshly applied—neither of which deceived him. He knew her too well. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Come on in, I made that cake I promised you.”
Even cake couldn’t distract him from this. “You’ve been crying. What happened?”
She sighed. “I didn’t think you would be able to tell.”
He closed the door behind him without ever taking his gaze from her face. “I can tell. What’s wrong?”
If she told him this was a personal problem and none of his business, he supposed he would have to let it go. But he wanted her to know he was here for her if she needed a shoulder.
He saw her throat work with a swallow and sensed her internal debate. And then she sighed and shrugged. “Kylie Anderson called me a few minutes ago. Mr. Eddington went into cardiac arrest and died suddenly this afternoon. Half an hour after I left the hospital.”
Ron grimaced. “I’m sorry, Haley. I know he was one of your favorites.”
She blinked rapidly. “Yes. He was a sweet guy. Always smiling and teasing. Though he knew he didn’t have long, he was hoping to go home in the next few days to spend a little more time with his family.”
He rested a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. But don’t forget the burn-out lectures we’ve heard. You have to leave it at the hospital. You can’t bring it home with you.”
She shook her head. “I know. And I’m not going to let it affect my work. It’s just sad, that’s all.”
Ron had always believed Haley would be an excellent physician. His only concern had been that she would take it all too personally. Get too involved with her patients, fret about the ones who wouldn’t take care of themselves, and grieve over the ones who lost their ultimate fights. That was just Haley’s personality—all heart. And hearts, he had learned long ago, were too easily broken.
“So you’re okay?”
She smiled. “I am. Thanks for asking.”
Not entirely convinced, he shook his head. “You are going to have to guard against burnout, you know. You care too much.”
Her left eyebrow rose slightly. “I happen to think a doctor should care about her patients.”
“There’s caring. And then there’s caring too much.”
“Okay, I get your message. Now how about some cake?”
At least she didn’t look so sad anymore, he decided before letting her sidetrack him. “Chocolate?”
The look she gave him was wry. “Would I make you any other kind?”
Laughing, he tapped her chin with his knuckles. “What a pal.”
She moved quickly toward the kitchen. Had he caught just a glimpse of a flush on her cheeks before she’d turned away—and if so, how had he embarrassed her this time? By catching her at a weak moment? Seemed like that was only fair, since she’d seen him in a few.
After only a momentary hesitation, he followed her into the small kitchen, reaching into his pocket as he walked. Haley was already slicing into a thickly frosted, dark chocolate cake that made his mouth water just to look at it. The scent of freshly brewed coffee filled the air, mingling with the chocolate aroma. Though he’d eaten dinner earlier, he was suddenly hungry again.
“That looks really good.”
She smiled and set a plate holding a good-sized slice of cake on the table. “Coffee or milk?”
“Milk now. Coffee later.”
She nodded and started to turn toward the fridge. He stopped her by catching her arm with his left hand. “Haley. I brought you something.”
Her eyebrows rose when she looked up at him. “What did you bring?”
Feeling a little foolish, he held his right hand out to her. A bracelet of polished pink stones strung on elastic cording and tied with a jaunty little bow lay on his palm. “I know it’s not like the one you broke, but I saw it in the hospital gift shop and I thought of you.”
She blinked a couple of times, her long lashes sweeping down to hide the expression in her eyes. “You bought me a bracelet?”
Resisting the urge to scuff his toe on her floor like an embarrassed schoolboy, he shrugged. “I was buying a candy bar—needed my afternoon sugar fix, you know—and I saw it displayed on the counter. It wasn’t all that expensive, but I thought it was kind of nice. The hospital auxiliary always needs money and you broke your bracelet and you’ve been helping me study, so… Anyway, it won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t like it.”
She plucked the bauble from his hand with a smile that wavered a bit. “I like it very much. Thank you, Ron.”
“I don’t know what the stones are, or what they mean or anything like that. Don’t know if they’ll ground you or bring you wisdom or whatever. I just thought they were kind of pretty.”
“I think so, too.” She slipped the bracelet on her wrist and twisted her hand to admire it there. “Very pretty. Thanks again. I’ll get your milk.”
The doorbell rang. Ron started a little, then laughed at himself as he shook his head. “That’ll be Hardik. Guess he got away earlier than he expected. I’ll let him in. You’d better cut another big piece of cake.”
“I’ll do that.”
The stones were pink opal. A stone of peace and tranquility. A healing stone.
A stone of love.
Ron wouldn’t have known any of that, of course, Haley mused as she pulled the bracelet lightly between her fingers later that evening. He’d bought the bracelet because he’d thought it was pretty. Because he’d thought she might like it.
Because she had broken the one Kris gave her.
She set the bauble on her dresser and pulled a pair of silky pajamas from the top drawer. She and Hardik and Ron had put in a solid three hours of studying. Worthwhile, but draining.
Closing the drawer, she touched the bracelet again before turning away to get ready for bed.
Haley was glad to move on to the outpatient diagnostic clinic at the end of the month. She had a new resident, a new attending and new duties. Every morning she was assigned one patient for whom she conducted a full history and physical. Her resident then did a more focused physical based on the patient’s complaints, and then created a treatment plan.
After the first two weeks in the clinic, she had grown somewhat more comfortable with the H & Ps. She was even getting a little faster at conducting them, to the relief, she was sure, of her patients. She didn’t talk a lot about that part of her training to her mother, who wanted to hear all about Haley’s days, but perhaps wouldn’t have been comfortable picturing her daughter doing prostate exams on men.
Haley was still strongly considering psychiatry as an eventual specialty, but she was keeping an open mind during the rotations. She didn’t have to decide for certain until early in her fourth year, when she would start applying and interviewing for residency positions. She found several areas of medicine intriguing, but psychiatry seemed to be drawing her, though she had yet to participate in actual psych practice. That would come next semester.
She still saw Ron almost every day. He was also assigned to the diagnostic clinic, though he had a different resident and attending physician for these four weeks. They passed in the hallways, and walked each other out to their cars in the afternoons. They exchanged stories about their days, and lingered in the parking lot sharing information they had learned.
She found herself looking forward to those brief, but pleasant encounters and increasingly reluctant to go her own way afterward. A few times she almost asked if he’d like to have dinner with her, but something held her back. There were a couple of times she thought Ron might have done the same thing—almost asked, but changed his mind. Which was silly, she told herself impatiently, driving home after one such awkward parting. Were they really still letting the passing comments of a former patient interfere with their friendship?
She made a vow right then that she would invite him to dinner very soon. Just a casual, friendly gesture, of course. Maybe they’d ask Hardik if he wanted to join them. They could catch up, swap stories, compare notes over
noodles or pizza.
Her phone rang just as she stepped inside her apartment. Her first thought was that it could be Ron, and it annoyed her that her pulse tripped a little at the possibility.
It was Anne’s voice that greeted her when she answered the call. “Please tell me you haven’t already eaten.”
Haley smiled. “No, I was just trying to decide if I’m in the mood to cook tonight.”
“You aren’t. You really want to meet me for Mexican food.”
“Craving Mexican, are you?”
“Craving a quiet hour or two with my friend.”
“Surgery rotation is tough, huh?”
“That is an understatement. With my family background, I thought I was prepared. But, wow!”
Haley laughed. “Great. Now I’ll be dreading that rotation after peds. At least you’ve got internal medicine next. That’s not such a tough one.”
“It’s not that I don’t enjoy surgery,” Anne said carefully. “It’s just that the hours are so long, I feel like I never get to see anyone outside of the hospital. Especially since Liam’s off on another adventure in Australia. I need a couple of hours to totally forget about medicine.”
“So you call another med student?”
“Who also needs a couple of hours away from the job.”
“You’ve got that right. Give me half an hour to change and I’ll meet you there.”
Neither of them had to specify the place. They shared a favorite Mexican place where they met whenever they had a chance. That was one of the advantages of being such good friends, Haley thought as she went into the bedroom to freshen up and change into jeans and a cool pullover for this hot August evening. They could leave so much unsaid and still be perfectly in sync.
Which, she discovered a while later, could also be a disadvantage.
“What’s going on with you, Haley?” Anne asked, studying her intently over enchiladas and chili rellenos.