He pulled her to him and she slid into his lap. He crooned her like a little baby until her sobs ceased in volume and intensity, until he’d rocked her into silence. He then gently guided her to sit on her bed. Her strong feelings for him had scared him, and he didn’t want to do anything to make her think they had something that warranted such intense emotions. She had just appeared at the wrong time and he told her so.
“Our timing was just off. But you know what they say, if it’s meant to be, it will happen.” It was a cop-out and he knew it. He just hoped that she would find comfort in those oft-repeated, but substance-less words. He stood up and pulled her with him.
“I wish you all the best. I hope you meet your Mr. Right, and you guys have a white picket fence, and a dog, and a dozen babies.”
“That many?” Shanda said shakily and they both laughed.
“Come here,” Ralph said and engulfed her in a hug. He held her tightly because this was their last hug. The last time he’d smell her scent. It was a bittersweet farewell.
He felt his eyes grow wet. He knew that this would be the last time he would ever see Shanda, and he felt sad. Friendship at this point would be impossible. They’d taken things too far, too soon. No relationship could be salvageable from such a circumstance. He’d done her very wrong, and he needed to give her a chance to live her own life. From what she’d told him, she lived for others. She’d lived for others her entire life. The best thing he could do for her was stay away from her life and give her the space to move on. When they stepped apart, Shanda went to her desk and scribbled on a piece of paper.
“ Here, this is my new email address. Please write soon.”
Ralph nodded, even though he had no intention of doing that. He had strung her along for long enough. It was time for her to find happiness with someone, hopefully, someone who was available.
“OK then, I will see you on graduation day,” Ralph said and he walked to the door.
She was still leaning on the door watching him, when he reached the staircase. He gave her one final wave and ran down the stairs. He returned to the bar and slipped in unnoticed. This time he downed his beers fast, wanting to fill the emptiness that was in his heart. He knew he was doing the right thing, so why did he feel so terrible?
Ralph watched as Shanda waved to a group of people in the audience. He assumed they were her parents and he felt happy for her that they had come to terms with each other. He smiled widely, but his smile wavered several times. Damn it! Why couldn’t one of my parents have made it? His mother was on her honeymoon with husband number four, a man older than Ralph by only a couple of years. His father was somewhere wrapping up a business deal. He had no one. And though he tried to ignore that fact and be proud of himself and his accomplishments, it still stung to know that neither of his parents found that accomplishment worthy enough to put their own lives on hold for a single day. It was too much to ask of them. It always had been. He couldn’t ignore that no one was there for him.
With no one in the audience for him, Ralph felt as though he had wasted four years of his life, which he knew was not true. He had worked hard for himself, to better himself, not for his selfish parents. He had his degree and he had a job waiting for him. Most of his friends were leaving with their fiancés or girlfriends. Ralph had wasted his time on a girl who was not interested in the future; only the instant gratification that whatever drama she could stir up in the moment would bring her. The truth was, when it came to Michelle, he had let his body lead him. He hadn’t thought, he’d just done. He’d been young and naïve. And he sorely regretted having wasted his time with such a girl.
In retrospect, there had been many warning signs. Unexplained disappearances and excessive secretiveness, which he had thought was just Michelle being mysterious, because she was beautiful. And she knew it. And beautiful girls who knew how beautiful they were loved to appear mysterious. But there was no mystery to that girl, and Ralph could kick himself for making believe that there was.
A month after they’d broken up, his friends had hinted at seeing her with other guys. Shanda would never have done that to him—at least he assumed she wouldn’t have. That thought startled Ralph and he tossed it out of his mind.
She was also out of his life. He would be starting afresh in California. When the ceremony was over, Ralph said a quick goodbye to Josh and the other guys and made his way to the parking lot. His brand-new car was waiting for him, packed and ready to go. The car was his graduation gift from his father, but Ralph would rather have had the man here, instead of the car. He wished his father had the capacity to understand the impermanence of materials.
He slid into the driver’s seat and drove off slowly, reveling in his last moments at St. Augustine, viewing the grounds and the buildings for the last time. He felt bad for leaving without telling Shanda, but they had already said their goodbyes. There was nothing left to say. He would drive to California, and spend the week before work started looking for an apartment and seeing the state.
His mother had offered to fly him to the Bahamas for the week, but the thought of spending time with his mother and her new husband made him cringe. Besides, he knew she hadn’t really meant it. Ralph was an embarrassment, born too early in her life, proof that she was much older than she looked. Sometimes, she even introduced him as her cousin. What sort of mother did that? He’d sure only met one who had. So, he’d resolved to stay away from her, which would do her a favor as well because she preferred to stay away from him.
The drive from Oregon to California took just over five hours. The further he drove from Oregon, the more optimistic he felt about his future. As he passed the mile markers on the highway, he felt as though he were shedding the weight of all those years he’d spent being ditched by his parents, working his butt off for little reward, and making the terrible mistakes he’d made. Each mile marker represented a portion of his life that was now behind him, and there were many more mile markers ahead, as well.
A new beginning was what he needed. By the time he crossed the state line into California, his euphoria had decreased, and in its place, was a piercing loneliness. He felt as though he belonged nowhere and to no one.
In a moment of weakness, Ralph drove into a fuel station and entered the restaurant inside with his laptop. He opened his e-mail to a fresh page.
Dear Shanda,
I’m just about to drive into California, and I thought I should email you. You’re my last remaining link to Oregon, but more than, that I miss you. Already. More than I anticipated I would. Perhaps if I could visualize you in your new apartment or job, I wouldn’t miss you so much more, but I know nothing about your new life.
Driving alone is uplifting but also a weird experience. Too many thoughts swirl around in your brain, and too many regrets. My biggest regret is you. How I treated you. I wonder what might have been. But the one thing I will never regret is bumping into you that first day. You have made my life richer for knowing you. Even if we never meet again, you will always be close to my heart.
If you can write, I’d love to hear from you. However, if you think that writing to me will come between you and your happiness, please ignore this e-mail and I will not write to you again.
Oh! and congratulations. I saw your folks at the graduation (I thought they were your folks, anyway). I’m very happy for you for managing to look beyond their problems, and ahead to forging new relationships with them. I must tell you that despite encouraging you to do so, it is something I’ve not managed to do myself. How do you forge relationships every two years or so? (That’s how long my mother’s marriages last).
I’m rambling, I know, but I feel as though I’m in confession with an anonymous priest and I can get away with saying anything. Knowing I won’t see you helps. Take care.
Love,
Ralph
He took a deep breath before he hit the ‘send’ button. His resolve had not lasted long. Shanda was like a drug that he needed to take every so often or he’d start
feeling some sort of sickness. He felt better after writing to her. He sipped at his coffee while staring at his laptop, waiting for the icon to appear announcing her response—hoping that she would write back, and afraid that she wouldn’t. After five minutes, Ralph heard a beep, and looked quickly at the screen. He had a new e-mail. It was from Shanda. He grinned like an idiot and clicked on the message.
Dear Ralph,
You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear from you. Yes, you’re right, it was my mom and dad in the audience. They managed to get along long enough to attend my graduation, and I’m grateful for that. We went to a posh restaurant afterwards, and in the evening, everybody went their separate ways. I moved into my apartment that night.
It’s a one bedroom. It’s tiny, but it has a huge window with the most glorious view of Lake Oswego. It will take a while to get used to the quietness here. It’s kind of lonely, but I’m happy that Flora is not too far away. She’s staying with her parents for a while, and she’s only twenty minutes away by bus. I start my new job on Monday (no time to worry) and I’m excited about that. It’ll occupy me and stop me from thinking about you. (Don’t panic).
I think I’ve brought you up to date with everything. I hope you enjoy California. Take care.
Love,
Shanda
Ralph closed his eyes and imagined her in her little apartment and wished he could be there with her. The longing was so great, he wondered if Shanda had been right in saying that there were feelings between them. He shook his head. He was in a heightened state of emotion. That was all. He was at the beginning of a whole new life and he was terrified, and so he clung to the one person who he was sure would always write back to his e-mails, and always return his phone calls. She was comfortable. Right now, she was all he had left of home.
He finished his coffee, paid for it and left. He felt ready to take on California. His first mission was to look for a nice, clean hotel. He found one in Sacramento, not too far from his new job, although he hoped that in a week’s time, he would be able to find his own apartment. It was a small and homey hotel, and most importantly, it was within walking distance of restaurants and clubs.
Ralph showered and lay down to rest before dinner. He woke up hours later when darkness had set in. He washed his face and dressed for the evening. The despondency that had plagued him earlier was gone and he felt like hitting the clubs. Dinner was a sumptuous meal of a steak, fried potatoes, and a tasty salad.
“Which is a good club around here?” Ralph asked the young-looking waiter, figuring that he would be able to direct Ralph to a trendy club. The waiter responded right away.
“That’s easy. The Strike is just next door, and everybody is flocking there tonight. There’s something going on, I can’t remember what.”
The something going on turned out to be a bikini competition, as Ralph found out quickly upon entering the place. There were more girls than boys, and Ralph felt immediately at home. He leaned against the bar counter and watched as girls walked by and stood around sipping drinks. Soon, a pretty curvaceous girl with a black mane of hair sidled up to him and started a conversation.
She reminded him of Shanda, with her black long hair and her brown eyes. He danced and partied with her. By midnight he couldn’t remember her name and he wanted to go to his hotel room. He had drunk too fast in an attempt to enjoy himself. He bid her goodnight, staggered out of the club, and tried to recall the direction to his hotel.
The following morning, bright, almost white sunlight bathed his room. He would learn later that the California sun rose early and was hot—even at the crack of dawn. Ralph groaned as he felt the heaviness of his head. It would be a long day. He dragged himself out of bed, and got his laptop from his bag. He went back to bed and switched it on. He had several emails from Shanda.
Ralph,
Are you OK? Let me know if you got into California safely.
Love, Shanda
Ralph,
I’m going sick with worry.
Shanda
Ralph slapped his forehead. Again, he had aroused hope in Shanda. Now she was worried about him and his intentions of moving to California had been to cut all ties with her. Because of him, she was again involved in his life, which was the last thing he wanted. After last night, he knew he would be OK. He was a survivor. He made friends easily and soon he would be too engrossed with work to worry about anything.
He hated himself for that moment of loneliness that had made him reach out to Shanda. He thought hard. He would write her a nice, but distant letter. He felt bad, but he wanted his ties to Shanda to end here. If he kept giving her false hope, intentionally or otherwise, it would be a self-perpetuating cycle, and he’d always disappoint her. With that decided, Ralph hit reply.
Dear Shanda,
Thank you for your concern, but everything is OK, and I’m doing very well. Sorry for worrying you, that was not my intention at all. I’m now settled in and ready for the next week to fly so that I can start my new job, and new life.
I realize that I made a mistake in writing to you (again). Shanda, I want you and I to move on. That means that we must not communicate and we must see other people. As I told you when we were together, I’m not in a position to begin a new relationship, not with you or anyone else. If we continue communicating (I blame myself 100%), it will hinder us (and most importantly you) from pursuing a relationship.
What I mean to say is that this will be my last email to you. You’re so special, and you deserve to find someone who is equally as special. If I keep taking up your time, you never will find that person. Please, take care of yourself, enjoy your new job and apartment, and pass my greetings to Flora. (I doubt she’ll receive them).
Much Love,
Ralph.
He read through it countless times, scanning it for any tidbits that may give her false hope, before deciding to hit ‘send.’ He imagined Shanda reading it and dissolving into tears again and that image haunted him for days after. He would take it a day at a time.
He had promised himself he would enjoy all that California had to offer. He had read about the beaches, the parks, the nightlife, and of course, he’d read about the girls.
Maybe he would even invite Josh after he’d settled in and found an apartment. Josh was still at a crossroads in his life, and he would enjoy a weekend out here.
Ralph got up from bed and took a shower. The sooner he started looking for an apartment, the faster he would feel settled. He dressed, adding a new accessory now that he was in California. Designer sunglasses. He looked at his reflection on the glass doors and smiled. He sure looked sharp.
California, watch out!
Chapter 5
Shanda read the email again, for the hundredth time. It was the last one that Ralph had written to her, and likely (judging the content) the last one he would ever write to her. She kept returning to it, as if by reading it again and again, she could read his mind. Why did he do this to her, and to himself? She closed her laptop and went to stand by the window.
Her apartment was on the third floor, and she had a view of the small town and the streets. People walked briskly on the street below, their faces obscured by the umbrellas over their heads. The dreary day perfectly matched her dreary mood. She’d always felt grateful when it rained when she was down. She thought of playing a sad song on her cello (Rachmaninoff came to mind), but she couldn’t bring herself to tune it. She hadn’t played it much since her last encounter with Ralph. The whole process of making music reminded her of the times they’d been intimate.
A few more weeks and it would be winter. She thought of Ralph again. Why couldn’t he see what was in front of him? If you thought of someone all the time, then that meant you had feelings for that person. She thought of him in California, enjoying his new life. She had waited for the offer to go with him to come, but it never did. She would have packed up her clothes and gone with him without a backward glance. What if this time he meant it? Shanda closed her eyes
and swallowed hard. What would she do? She couldn’t bear to lose him, to never see him again.
Abruptly a hysterical laughter erupted from her throat. How could she lose something she never had possession of in the first place? He was never hers. She was being ridiculous and she was more than aware that she couldn’t keep up this line of thought.
Shanda sighed. The weekend stretched out before her. She was meant to spend it getting her apartment organized. She felt a lack of energy, and instead, she got a shawl, and lay on the couch before the television, lazily flipping from one channel to another.
Before her brain could register what program she was watching on TV, her hand, as though acting of its own will, pressed the channel button. Her brain had slowed down, and she felt content to lie there just watching TV. Her eyes strayed to the brown boxes on the floor. Maybe she would unpack later. It wasn’t like she had any other, more meaningful plans for her free time in the near future.
Shanda must have dozed off, because she woke up later with a start, her heart pounding and white noise filling her head. She only relaxed when she recognized the shrill noise as the sound of her cell phone ringing. Wiping the saliva that trailed from the side of her mouth with the back of her hand, Shanda sat up. She plucked the phone from the floor and pressed answer.
It was Flora, and she wanted to come over. The last thing Shanda wanted was to see anyone, but this was Flora, they had been best friends for a long time, now. If she told Flora ‘no,’ well, Flora would know something was wrong, and the last thing Shanda wanted was her fire-filled friend worrying about her and throwing a million questions and solutions at her. Wearily, she got up, and dragged herself to the small bathroom, which contained a stand-up shower and a toilet. Twenty minutes later, after having taken a hot, relaxing shower, Shanda felt much better, her spirits had lifted, and she had a burst of energy as well.
A Maze of Love Page 6