by Anita Notaro
“Not tonight,” she insisted. “He needs to rest and so do I.” They persisted, talked about taking the baby into temporary foster care, but she replied quietly, “I’m his godmother, he’s my responsibility,” in a tone that brokered no argument, and besides,they’d already found Olga’s notes and knew a lot more than she did.
“I’m a nurse, I’ll stay with them tonight.” Toni offered her accreditation for inspection and they seemed happy.
Nevertheless, they were barely in the door of Ellie’s apartment when a social worker arrived, a slip of a thing who looked about fourteen. It was after ten o’clock by then and Rudi had eventually fallen asleep in Ellie’s arms in the back seat of the taxi. The ban garda promised to deliver Ellie’s motor later because nobody was overconfident of its chances of surviving in the neighborhood, once everyone knew it had been abandoned for the night. The young civil servant asked the minimum of questions, ensured they had everything needed for a young baby and promised to call the following morning. Toni saw her to the door.
“Ellie, go get into your dressing gown, you’re shaking.” She gently prized the baby out of her arms. “It’s OK, darling, you need to get out of those clothes.”
“Actually, I do need to go to the loo.”
“I have his bag here. Go get organized and I’ll change him and get him ready for bed and put the kettle on and then we’ll make a plan, OK?”
“OK. I’ll just set up the travel cot. Lucky I bought it last year, eh?” She thought for a second. “I bought it to cheer Olga up when she was pining for Russia. Told her she’d need it for their first visit home.”
“You were a great friend.” Toni wanted to say more but Ellie swung around sharply.
“No, Toni, that’s where you’re wrong. I wasn’t. I was annoyed and pissed off and everything, especially today. I should have realized what was going on.”
“You were the only light in her life, I’d say.” Toni kissed the top of her head, just as Ellie had done with Rudi. “She chose very wisely when she picked you as her friend.” She smiled sadly. “As we all did.” But Ellie was shaking uncontrollably and eventually Toni had to ring Pam, because she needed to mind them both and couldn’t. Ellie was upstairs changing when a totally stunned Pam arrived half an hour later, followed by a bewildered Maggie as soon as she got Pam’s slightly hysterical message. They hugged and kissed Ellie, and Pam took off her make-up and helped her undress and Toni changed the baby and frowned at his soaked, blotchy bottom and putrid nappy and Maggie made them all strong, sweet tea and wondered what Ellie would do now.
They lit the fire and made a bottle for Rudi, but he showed no interest, just stared at them all with those saucer eyes and Maggie had to keep turning away and eventually she made an excuse and escaped to the kitchen, where she cried her eyes out. Pam felt very guilty when she thought of her own two gorgeous boys and she prayed for them and for their safe, speedy return, something she hadn’t done in years.
Ellie thought of ringing her mother but decided it was too late and, anyway, she was afraid they’d all descend on her.
“I need to ring Jack. He’ll be expecting me in the morning.”
“Want me to do it?”
“No, it’s OK.” She smiled vaguely at Toni. “Actually, yes please. I don’t think I can face anybody right now.”
“Hello.”
“Hello, could I speak to Jack please?”
“He’s not here right now. Can I take a message? This is Kate, his sister.”
“Oh, hello Kate, this is Toni Francescone, I’m a friend of Ellie’s.”
“Yes, hi, Toni.”
“I’m sorry, but Ellie won’t be in tomorrow.”
“Is everything OK?”
“No, I’m afraid not.”
Kate was stunned when Toni explained, as briefly as she could.
“Oh my God, she never mentioned this friend, at least not to me.”
They chatted for a while and Kate promised to tell Jack and took all their numbers and gave them hers, and when she hung up Kate too said a prayer for her kids, and for Jack’s and for the little boy left orphaned that night.
Thirty-four
Pam was loitering outside Ellie’s room next morning and brought her a cup of tea as soon as she heard her stirring. Ellie looked at her vacantly for a split second, then jumped up with a frightened look. “The baby?”
“Still fast asleep, don’t worry. Here, drink this.”
“I have to get up,” she protested, but when she tried her bones hurt, probably because she’d slept all hunched up like a baby herself.
“I had terrible dreams.”
“Me too. Are you all right?”
“I don’t know, I feel very strange.”
Pam sat on the edge of the bed and handed Ellie the cup.
“Here, drink this, it’ll give you a boost.”
“It’d take more than tea to give me a lift this morning, I’m afraid.”
Pam smiled weakly and rubbed her arm and the baby stirred and startled them both.
Ellie reached over and picked him up and he looked surprised to see her, she thought, which was stupid. He was too young. It was only a flicker, before his face assumed that same accusing stare he’d given her last night. Oh God, this is a nightmare, Ellie thought.
Pam sensed her fear and lifted the baby gently out of her arms. “I’ll feed him, the girls have a bottle made downstairs. You just stay there for a second.”
“No, I need to get up, there’ll be people calling and things to organize and—”
“It’s not even seven o’clock.”
“Oh, right.” She lay back for a second. “God, the funeral. Pam, I don’t even know if she had any insurance.”
“Let’s not worry about that right now. We’ll see what they say later.” “They” being the police.
“Do they bury them, anyway, you know, make the state pay for it?”
“I’ve no idea, but I can find out pretty quickly.”
“I have to give her a proper burial. She was proud, you know.”
“I know.” It was a whisper.
They stayed together, each lost in their own thoughts, until the baby mooched once more and Pam went off to feed him and Ellie hoisted her dead weight out of the bed and into the bathroom.
By eight thirty they were all washed and dressed and by nine the phone started, then the doorbell. Pam had to go in to work “because of my stupid self-pitying episode earlier in the week,” she told the other two, ashamed of herself now. Toni and Maggie stayed and filled the kettle a million times as Ellie prepared to tell her family.
Her folks were stunned and Ellie could feel the unasked questions lingering like static between them. She had to get off the line. “There’s someone at the door, I have to go, I’ll ring you later, Mum. Will you tell the others?”
“Yes, and Orla and I will be straight over.”
“No, Mum, please.” She was risking a major offense, but she hadn’t the energy for them. “What I mean is,” she tried to soften the rejection, “there are things to do, legal stuff, the police, that sort of—”
“The police, what do they want with you?”
Ellie tried to be patient. “Mum, she killed herself. I was the one who found her, of course they need to see me.” And then there’s the baby, she didn’t say it but she could feel it was what her mother was thinking.
“I suppose the baby will be taken into care?”
“I don’t know. Listen, I’ll talk to you later, once I’ve spoken to the social worker.”
“Are you sure?”
“Certain. Maggie’s here with me, minding the baby.” Her mum liked Maggie the most, so that helped. She didn’t mention Toni. This was all on a need-to-know basis.
The next few hours were a bit of a blur, when she thought back later. Jack phoned, she heard Toni talking to someone in a low voice for ages and then she asked if Ellie wanted to speak to him.
“Hello.”
“Nora, I don’t really kno
w what to say except how sorry I am.”
“I know, thanks. I … hardly know what to think myself.”
“It must have been an enormous shock for you, I can’t even begin to imagine.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“Were you very close?”
“No, that’s the funny thing. I never really knew her, not like my friendship with the girls, you know. We sort of became mates by accident, really. But in the last few weeks, she was saying funny things, asking strange questions. Looking back I don’t know how I didn’t put two and two together.”
“It’s not something you could ever have guessed, from what I’ve heard. Don’t be too hard on yourself.” He was gentle.
“I suppose.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“No, thank you.” She felt oddly formal with him. “I don’t know when I’ll be back to work, that’s the only thing, I—”
“Forget it. Ring me when you’ve had time to think. And you can take as much time as you need, you know that?”
“Thank you.”
“And Nora …”
“Yes?”
“If there’s anything, anything at all—I mean that. I hope you know.”
“Thanks.”
“Mind yourself.”
“I will. Thank you again.” Her voice sounded odd.
“Talk to you soon and please, do ring, even if only for a chat.”
“OK.”
“Promise?”
“I will. Bye.”
“Bye.” He had the strongest urge to add “God bless,” very strange. He was turning into his father. But then it was always God or your parents in these kinds of situations.
When he hung up he was hardly any the wiser. Oh, he knew the details, Toni had filled him in. And Nora had sounded so … normal, he realized afterward. Not a bit like the usual bubbly girl he’d come to know.
He rang Kate.
“Well?”
“I don’t have anymore news. You know as much as I do, really. No obvious reason why she’d top herself. Nora’s friend Toni said she’d always been a bit odd, whatever that means.”
“Christ, I’d say she was more than a bit odd. To do that to a child. I couldn’t sleep all night, thinking about it.”
“Mmm, makes a great story, though.”
“Always the journalist, eh?”
“Yeah, I suppose.”
“Still, it won’t be a major story. She was a foreign national, remember?”
“Yeah and we all know our tolerance level in that regard.” It was one of his pet topics. He thought for a second. “No, I was thinking more of a book.”
“God, you’re callous.”
“I don’t mean to be.” He sounded genuine. “Writers are always looking for storylines, you should know that by now.”
“I do. Poor Nora, though. She doesn’t deserve this. And what on earth is going to happen to that helpless baby?”
“No idea. Adoption or long-term foster care, I presume. I mean, Nora’s no relation, is she?”
“No, I don’t think so. The woman must have family somewhere, though. I’m sure they’ll be able to trace them.”
“They disowned her, according to Toni. She used her ex-husband’s name. He disappeared as well, as soon as he found out she was pregnant.”
“That’s a lot to deal with.” Kate felt like crying—for the unknown woman, for Nora, but most of all for the pathetic-sounding bundle of a child.
“Is there anything we can do, money or anything, d’you think? I didn’t feel I should offer directly to Nora, you’d be better at that sort of thing.”
“Should I call round?” Kate asked him.
“Yes, she might talk to you easier. Just let her know, if you can, that we can help.”
“You’re a good man, bro, you know that?”
“Hey, I’m just another selfish bastard. Don’t want to lose a good nanny.”
“You mean the one you didn’t want in the first place? The one I forced on you?”
“Gotta go, my mobile’s ringing. Can’t hear you, sorry.” He hung up with a sad smile.
It was after six by the time Ellie realized that she hadn’t eaten a thing, despite the trays of ham sandwiches and stuff that the girls had magicked. She wasn’t hungry, just all talked out.
Pam arrived with at least one of everything Tesco sold, it seemed, and they were just drawing breath when Ellie saw her sister’s car pull up outside with her mother’s perm clearly visible in the front seat.
She panicked and Maggie sensed it instantly. “OK, upstairs. Now. Pam, run a bath. Toni, you’re on junior duty. I’ll get rid of them after a decent chat. Don’t worry, I won’t be rude.” She saw Ellie’s face. “I’ll just say you’re lying down.”
“Don’t tell them too much, I just can’t handle the barrage that will follow. Not yet, anyway.”
“Sure. Go on, they’re coming.”
“Don’t offer them a drink. They’ll be here all night.” “Right so.”
Pam added every smelly oil she could lay her hands on to the piping-hot water and Ellie soaked for Ireland. Now that the shock had worn off a bit she had no idea how she was going to handle it. She was responsible for a baby, another life—and one she was not even related to. Or wanted. God, that made her feel guilty. Oh, they’d talked about foster parents and adoption and relations in Russia, but the family or the husband weren’t a runner, Ellie was fairly sure from what Olga had told her. And as for care, she couldn’t do it to Rudi, she’d known that the minute she found Olga. He’d never had a chance, not a snowball’s in hell, right from the start, but she could give him one. Maybe so could a new set of parents, but she was tied to him, if not by blood then certainly by holy water. What about a father? she wondered—not his real one, obviously, but the fact that she didn’t have a man in her life to provide a father figure. Would that make a difference to him in years to come? She thought of her own father, but abandoned the fantasy. He could barely deal with people from this country, never mind from another one.
“They’ve gone.”
“How come? They’ve only just got here.” As she spoke she realized the bath water was much cooler.
“No, it’s nearly eight. We made them tea, told them just enough and persuaded them that we were doing a good job of minding you both.”
“You are.” Ellie heaved herself up and let her friend towel her dry. They’d even washed her dressing gown because Rudi had puked on it twice this morning.
“Jesus, your sis is something else. You’re not a bit like any of them, d’ya know that?”
“Thank God. Why, what was she saying?”
“Oh, nothing really.” Maggie felt guilty already. “She’s just so … so …”
“Irritating?”
“No …”
“Smug?”
“Yes, that too, but that’s not the word I was looking for.” Maggie grinned. “Miserable, that’s it. Everything’s a problem.”
“A trial,” Ellie agreed. “Mother of sorrows, we used to call her when we were little.”
Her own childhood was playing on her mind a lot today—not surprising really. “God, Olga, what the fuck were you thinking of when you chose me?” she asked for the tenth time.
Thirty-five
The fog never lifted, really, even though it had been days. Little kindnesses astounded Ellie. Neighbors she didn’t even know left sponges still warm in cake tins, kids called with toys, and flowers arrived by the bucketful.
Kate stopped by with a huge bag of clothes that had belonged to Sam and Jess but would easily transfer—hooded jackets and jeans and blankets and bits. The girls themselves drew pictures—of Rashers and Dalmatians, their other obsession at the moment—even of their dad with his hair standing on end. Kate didn’t stay long, sensing Ellie’s weariness, but urged her to call if she needed anything at all.
Her sister Claire came home too and that was easier, they’d always been close enough. Having her around mattered. Suddenly f
amily had taken on a whole new meaning.
Eventually, they were allowed to proceed with the funeral and Ellie added another worry to her endless list. Would anyone come? There was no family, just a handful of Ellie’s friends. Even Olga’s neighbors had said they never knew she had a child, except one who said she heard him crying a lot, which sent a fresh wound straight to Ellie’s heart. She longed more than ever for a relationship. Actually, just someone to hold her close in the dark would do.
Ellie decided to keep the ceremony simple. Even if funds hadn’t been a problem, she sensed Olga wouldn’t have wanted fuss. She rejected all the caskets inlaid with apostles and saints, as she did the ones with shiny gold handles, opting instead for a simple blond wooden coffin. She placed one white rose gently on top.
She didn’t know any priests but Pam did and so a lovely, compassionate man received the remains and spoke about Olga and Rudi as if he’d known them for years.
Ellie and the baby were the chief mourners—the only ones, in fact—and sat in the front row, with the girls taking up the row behind, along with Ellie’s family. The church was almost empty, despite Olga’s neighbors turning out in force, as well as most of Ellie’s friends, some of whom she hadn’t seen in years. The people who came surprised her almost as much as those who didn’t show. Bill and Kate and Sarah and Georgia were first up at the end. They each gave her a huge hug and almost made her cry. The queue that formed to shake hands was no longer than that seen in any supermarket on a slow weekday afternoon. Ellie waited, just in case anyone arrived late, but eventually Toni wrapped Ellie’s scarf around her neck and Pam rubbed her arm and suggested it was time to go.
“Nora, Nora.” Ellie heard the echoey little voice and she turned to see Jess flying up the aisle, all legs and teddies and pom-poms, followed much more sedately by Sam and Jack.
“Nora, I miss you, please come home soon,” she yelled as she ran straight into Ellie’s already full arms.
Maggie took Rudi, and Ellie dropped to her knees in the aisle and hugged the small child. Jack looked worried as he walked as quickly as was decent in a church to where they stood huddled together in a small group.