“I wish that wasn’t how you found out.”
“Me too.”
Annie crawled off Brax’s lap and went back to lying beside him. She stared up at the stars thinking about every little lie she ever told him. There were so many. How was he still there? Still by her side begging to be with her.
“I was born in Phoenix, Arizona on November 24, 1985,” she spoke aloud, still staring at the stars. She hated the thought of him reading about her from some investigation report. He should be hearing it from her, like she should have told him to begin with. “My full name was Annabel Marie Andrews. My mom was the Fox 10 morning newscaster at the time and her pregnancy was broadcasted daily. She had weekly segments where a doctor went on air and told the entire city about the progress of her pregnancy. It became kind of a thing, like an 80’s version of reality TV, and when I was born I was already a bit of a celebrity myself. Mom didn’t even take a maternity leave. She went right back to work and milked my birth for all it was worth. I think she meant well at first, but the attention got to her, made her fake, and for my entire young adult life, we excelled at pretending to be the perfect family.
“After my alleged rape, my mom was completely distraught and not because of what she thought I went through. She cared more that I ruined her perfect image. She sent me to Michigan to live with my aunt for the summer, hoping the news of my demise would die down in my absence. My aunt lived a block away from Michigan State. I spent the entire summer in their library, reading every book I could find on psychology, just hoping for answers. There had to be a reason why I was completely fucked up in the head.”
“You’re not fucked up babe. Do you hear me?” He guided her face to look at him. “Don’t you dare think that. You’re perfect.”
“Says my mob boss lover. I’m not sure you’re the best judge of character,” she joked and he laughed along.
“Okay, maybe not. Keep going. Tell me more. What about your dad? How did he react to all this?”
“My dad. He was a Judge and has always had high political aspirations. His entire side of the family are all politicians of some sort, so it’s easy to understand where he got that from. My mom’s public persona of her and I only helped his career, and he rose the latter quickly. When my mom sent me to Michigan, my dad was up for a promotion. I think he wanted me gone just as much as she did. He didn’t get that promotion and for the longest time I felt like he blamed me. He never told me he did. It was always just a feeling I got. He’s the Chief Justice now though, so he he eventually did end up getting his promotion, it just took a couple years longer.”
“I kinda hate your parents right now.”
“They did their best. It’s not like they didn’t love me, and I never wanted for anything. I never thought like this back then either. It’s just easier to see it now looking back, you know?”
Brax nodded. “So the banker and helicopter engineer? Was that something you made up on the fly?”
“No. That’s Trevor’s parents. I don’t know why I told you they were mine. I guess I just wanted to pretend and to be totally honest, I didn’t want you to know that my dad puts men like you into prison everyday.”
“Understandable. I assumed as much. So what happened after you came back from Michigan?”
“After I moved back from Michigan, I finished high school and just sort of kept to myself. Trevor got a scholarship to USC so Sara and I decided to go with him. It wasn’t an Ivy League like my parents would have preferred, but I just wanted to get away and be with my friends. That’s where I met Keith. He was there on a scholarship too. Not like his parents couldn’t afford it. They’re pretty wealthy, but Keith wanted to play baseball and always had a thing for USC, so that’s where he went. When I met him he was an arrogant jock. Sara actually wanted him, which was fine by me, I wasn’t interested in dating. By that point I had a plan. I wanted to be a psychologist; get my doctorate and continue to figure things out along the way. He had different plans though, and a few months later I was in a serious, committed relationship. He was a man whore, I heard the rumors on campus, but he seemed different with me. Maybe because I was the first person to ever make him work for it. Soon after we started dating, he threw out his elbow at a game and had to have Tommy John surgery, and that was it for his career as a baseball player. His pitch was never the same again. He was majoring in pre-law and since I was an obsessive studier, that’s what he did too. He made it into law school, got a fancy job and waited for me to finish school before we got married. That’s when I became Annabel Nichols. We moved to Arizona because my dad offered me a job I couldn’t pass up as the psychologist on file for the court house. I loved the idea of getting to analyze people who were potentially like me. I thought it would give me answers.”
“If that’s your main job, why do you teach at the University?”
“It started out as me just being a guest lecturer, but then the Dean offered me a job, and I figured it would give me more credibility as a psychologist. It was also a way to get my mind off the baby. The one I lost.” She let out a deep breath before continuing and Brax reached for her hand, lacing their fingers and giving her the encouragement she needed to continue. “I never thought I wanted a baby. That definitely wasn’t in the plan, but one week I was sick with the flu and then two weeks after that I was pregnant. I realized later I was throwing up my birth control pills. I was terrified at first. I didn’t want to fuck up this child. I didn’t want it to have a mom like me, but there’s something about growing a life inside of you. You fall in love with it without even realizing. It also helped that everyone was ecstatic when they heard the news. Keith’s mom, who absolutely loathes me, flew in to town and shopped with me all day for anything and everything to fill the nursery. My dad announced his campaign to run for Governor and mentioned his soon to be grandfather status in one of his speeches. I think he did it to get more votes, a push toward his family values, but I could care less. Things were perfect. It was the happiest I could ever remember being. Then, one night I woke up to go to the bathroom and there was blood. Lots of it, and it wouldn’t stop. I was four months along, and since the baby was too big for a normal D and C, they had to dilate my cervix and basically force my body to give birth to my baby who according to the doctor passed away due to unforeseen circumstances.”
Brax’s hand squeezed hers tight in response. He was quiet, careful not to interrupt, but she knew from that squeeze he was affected like everyone else who heard the story.
“It was like I died that day too. I became a different person. I was depressed and angry at the world. I could see everyone judging me like I couldn’t do the one thing women were meant to do. I’d walk into a loud room and all of a sudden the talking would stop. I knew they were talking about me. Then there was Keith. I knew this was unfair, he lost a baby too, but I hated him most of all. He did this to me. If it wasn’t for him, I never would have gotten pregnant. I pushed him away, have been for the past year, and he keeps holding on. Still plays the perfect husband to a tee.”
Annie didn’t like talking about Keith to Brax, but she felt like she needed to. He had to understand they had a past spanning years. While her feelings for Brax were more intense than she felt in her whole life, they barely had a month of history together. She was married to Keith. She owed it to him to work things out, to stand by and support him like he always had for her, but then again, she owed it to herself to finally be happy, to find what she’s been searching for. “I don’t know what to do Brax. That’s my whole story. You know it all. Now do you see why I’m torn. Why I did what I did? Pushing you away. Lying. Leaving. I wanted you from the moment I saw you, but I knew I couldn’t have you. Then, the more you tried, the more I talked myself into believing it’s okay to escape my life and have one with you. Just for a week. Just to see what it was like. I didn’t realize I was going to fall for you. That you would fall for me. That what we had would blow up to something so unimaginably powerful that when I had to leave, it physically hurt.
It hurt to deceive you, to sneak away from you, to know or think I was never going to see you again. And when I came home I learned I was the biggest idiot getting involved with you. Thinking you were just someone I could pretend with. When I’m around you, you’re just Brax. No matter what you say or do I am so totally yours I can’t see past what’s in front of me. But when I left and you sent me that text, I honestly thought you were going to kill me. I no longer had your presence to blind me from who you really are.”
Brax heaved out a heavy sigh. “That text was a little dramatic. I didn’t want you to think I was going to kill you, although I really fucking wanted to. I sent it to scare you, so you’d know I was coming for you. It was actually more of a threat for Keith. He’s the one I want to kill. I can’t even fucking think about him. It makes me sick. Thinking of you at home with him, holding him, kissing him, in bed with him. Fuck!” he screamed out and sideswiped his wine glass sitting on the end table beside him. “I almost killed him. This fucking close,” he held up his thumb and forefinger. “But I couldn’t do it. I’m a fucking pussy. I love you and in the end I just couldn’t do it to you, and on a selfish level, I knew you’d never forgive me if I did. So I’m at an impasse. If I kill him, I lose you, and if I don’t kill him, I might lose you too.”
“You’re not going to lose me.” The words slipped from her mouth, saying them on instinct, not knowing if they were true.
“No?”
“No. I don’t know. Just give me time. Can you do that?”
“I can give you time. I understand he is your whole life, but I can’t handle the idea of you sleeping with him. I won’t share you like that. If you want to continue playing house, pretending everything is perfect, then fine. Do what you think you have to do. I’ll give you time for that, but I can only handle so much.”
“I’m not sleeping with him. I haven’t in a while, but he’s my husband. I’m not asking you to give me time so I can play house, I’m asking you to give me time to figure out my life. How am I supposed to figure things out with him if I can’t be with him? How long do you think that will go on for, huh? I’m supposed to just pretend like I don’t want him anymore and he’s going to be okay with that? Somehow I doubt that. So really what’s the point? How are you giving me time? I either do what you’re asking and my husband will eventually leave me, or I don’t do what you’re asking and I assume you’ll eventually break down and kill him. I don’t really have a choice here, do I?”
“I said I wasn’t going to kill him and I won’t. You have a choice. You’ll always have a choice, but I already know what the outcome will be and I don’t want you fucking him along the way until you figure it out.”
“Fucking him along the way? Jesus Brax.” She sat up and stood from the chair, no longer wishing to have the conversation.
“No,” he reached out to stop her, the tips of his fingers grazing her wrist as she quickly stepped away. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going? I’m not done talking to you yet.”
“We’re not talking Brax, we’re fighting. Like always,” she called over her shoulder as she walked back in the house.
Braxton gripped his head in frustration and groaned, the sound echoing in the distance. Why was she being so fucking difficult? Rolling off the chair he followed her inside, his footfalls loud upon the wooden decking. He opened the sliding glass door and slammed it shut behind him. Annie was bracing herself on the couch, standing at it’s back with her hands on the upper cushions. She didn’t look his way, just stared straight ahead at the black screen of the TV mounted above the fireplace.
“You’re wrong, you know that? We’re not fighting, I’m fighting.”
Braking out of her trance she looked toward him as he strode forward to meet her.
“I’m fighting for us, for you. Is that really so bad? I’m fighting harder for us than I ever have for anything else, but you never fight. Maybe if you did we wouldn’t be in this situation.”
“Maybe I’m not fighting because it’s not meant to be.”
“Don’t you dare fucking say that.”
“Why not? It’s true. I’m married Brax.” She held up her left hand for him to see the two carat diamond sparkling on her ring finger.
As much as he didn’t want it to, it sent a punch straight to his gut. “That ring means nothing,” he told himself more than her. “Millions of people have one just like it. Some have two or three. That ring is a worthless form of symbolism. It comes off as easily as it went on. But this Annie,” he stopped to pull his long sleeve shirt over his head and pointed to his arm. “This does mean something.”
Her hands went right to her mouth, smothering a gasp. If she thought he was playing back in New York she was now awakened to just how wrong she was. “Why?” she asked, her eyes glued to the brand still welted and shiny. “I never asked you to do that.”
“You didn’t have to. I did it because I love you and there’s nothing that will ever change that. This is forever. It can’t be removed. It can’t be taken off. I can’t go to the courthouse and file papers to make this all go away. Your pathetic piece of jewelry has nothing on this.”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she whispered and crouched down, her back braced against the couch as her arms wrapped around her calves.
Braxton sat down beside her. “This wasn’t how I planned to show you.”
“Oh really? What was your plan? I guess that explains why you were always wearing long sleeve shirts every time I saw you even though it’s a hundred and twenty degrees out.”
“I wore the shirts to protect it from the sun while it healed. It wasn’t to hide it from you. I was going to show you. I suspected you would see it tonight. I just thought it would be while I was making love to you, not while I was defending our relationship.”
“So I guess you expect me to get one now too?”
“No.”
She looked up at him in surprise.
“I expect you to get one when you make your choice.”
“Right. If I thought I had a choice before, I definitely don’t now. Just take me back to New York with you Brax. You win. There’s no point in trying anymore. I guess you were right. You did know what the outcome would be.”
“Don’t you dare fucking act like that. If you’re going to be weak and childish I’ll treat you that way. I’ll throw you back in my truck and take you to the nearest airport. I’m not above it if it means I get to have you, but I’d rather you went back with me because you want to.”
“Well I’ll never know will I? You fucking branded yourself. I can’t imagine any scenario where you let me stay here. You told me once if I ever left you, you would chain me in a warehouse where no one would ever find me. I didn’t believe you, not really, but now I’m not so sure. I don’t think I want to risk it.”
Braxton let his head fall back against the couch in frustration. She wasn’t a stupid girl, far from it, and she was right, in no world would he ever let her choose to stay there with her husband. It just wasn’t an option, but he didn’t want her to know that. If she felt forced, it would always be something she held against him, and that wasn’t an option either. This was a choice she had to make on her own, or at least think she was. “I know what I said before, but I really wish you’d start listening to me now, instead of just assuming things. I don’t want to force you into being with me. I want you with me because you want to be. Because you can’t imagine a world without me; without waking up next to me, kissing me, fucking me. I made you a promise once that I’d give you everything. I’ll keep that promise. Even if it means not being with you.” Braxton angled himself more toward her, folding their hands together. “Let’s make a deal. I have two months left here until I need to go back to New York. For the next two months, I want you to try. No more pushing me away. No more running. I want you to be with me. I understand you still need to live with him, but you won’t be with him. Not while you’re with me. After two months, if you’re not ready, if you choose him, I’ll leave you alone.
I’ll let you stay here.”
“You’d do that?”
“I’ll still be waiting for you every day until you change your mind, but I promise, it will be your choice. Do we have a deal?”
She paused, looking into his eyes, searching for some sort of deceit, but then agreed. “Yes. We have a deal.”
“Good. Come here.” He tucked a hand around her waist and scooted her closer, their bodies nuzzling together. “Thank you,” he whispered and placed a kiss on her forehead.
They continued to sit on the floor, resting against the back of the couch in silence. The ambiance outside may have been nicer, but this felt better. They were finally together, officially. No more lies between them. Just hope for the future. Well he had hope, he still wasn’t sure exactly how she felt, but she agreed to try, and that was all he needed.
Her aversion to the brand fizzling she traced her fingers over the raised welts, so soft it tickled. “When’d you get it done?” she asked. “When you were still in New York?”
“No. I got it the first night I came here.”
“Who did it?”
“A tattoo artist. He’s actually in the Guinness Book of World Records as The Most Advanced Body Modification Artist, and randomly, he lives in Phoenix. Figured I could trust him to do a good job. I gave him five grand and he made a house call.”
“Did it hurt?”
“Like a motherfucker.”
“I’m not ever getting it Brax. I can’t do that. It’s not me. I don’t do pain. Not that kind of pain. I don’t even have a tattoo.”
“You will babe. You’ll have to. It will keep you safe.” She shook her head, his reasoning not convincing her. “It won’t hurt, not like mine did. I didn’t use anything for the pain. I wanted to feel it.”
“Why?” she asked, shock lacing her voice.
“Because, I guess I was feeling a little self loathing at the time. I wanted to make a statement, wanted to do something that made me proud, something that would harden me. It was stupid really. The only thing I accomplished was screaming like a fucking baby and probably waking the neighbors.”
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