An hour passed and no one moved.
I couldn’t cry anymore. My tear ducts were dry. They were dry and cracked riverbeds, shriveling up without the grace of rain. My chest hurt from heaving so much. The salt was a permanent taste on my lips.
“Are you ready to go?” Ash whispered.
No. I would never be ready. “Yes.”
Family members gave their condolences and cried with me. I made small talk with him, trying to act like we weren’t carrying the same pain. I shared stories of my grandmother, talking about her strength and endurance. She was the most amazing woman I’d ever known. No one would ever compare.
Ash lingered in the background, giving me space when I needed it then joining me when I suddenly felt alone. He seemed to understand my needs better than I did. He was the rock I needed, one of the few things keeping me going.
By the end of the night, I was done talking. I didn’t want to socialize and pretend I was okay. I just wanted to crawl under my sheets and sleep so I wouldn’t think about my grandmother anymore.
I was tired of thinking.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Ash
When she was in pain, I was in pain.
Watching her grieve, curling into a ball while she cried her eyes out, was the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. I just wanted to make the pain go away. I just wanted her to smile again. She was a wonderful person and didn’t deserve this.
I didn’t have high expectations for this surgery, but I understood her grandmother’s decision. Either way, the odds weren’t good, and she made the best decision under the circumstances. When I told her to reconsider it, I was thinking of my heart and Alaska. I just didn’t want her to get hurt.
But she did.
Alaska was quiet for the week following the funeral. She didn’t move very often, and she hardly ate. I took as much time off of school as I could but I had to go back. But as soon as I was done with class, I came home to her. She was usually in bed, in mine or hers. I would take my textbook and notes and study in bed while she clung to me.
Anytime I tried to get her out of the house, it backfired. She would pull the covers over her head and try to disappear. When I made dinner, she would take a few bites then push it away. She didn’t want to do anything, even shower, so I had to carry her and wash her. I didn’t mind doing the work. I just wish she wasn’t so miserable.
By the second week, she finally came around. She was still depressed, but she was better. She lost so much weight in such a short amount of time that it scared me. But she refused to eat.
“I’m going home.” She pulled her clothes on and walked to the door.
What? “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“I just want to be alone.” She grabbed her purse and walked out.
Was I missing something? I chased after her and followed her into her living room. “Did I do something?”
She didn’t look at me. “I just want to be alone right now…”
“Why?” I blurted.
“I just do, Ash. Please leave.” Her voice was cold.
Whoa…what gave her such a mood swing? I stayed beside her and took care of her every day. I hardly spoke and I stayed by her side, silently supporting her. I suffered in my coursework because I put her first. What could I have possibly done wrong? “Okay…”
She walked into her bedroom and shut the door, dismissing me.
Hopefully, she was just in a weird mood. I went back to my apartment and tried to think of something else.
The next day, I stopped by before class and brought her breakfast. I used my key to get inside and put everything on the kitchen table. Then I walked to her bedroom door and knocked. “Darling?”
“What?” Her voice was weak.
“Can I come in?”
“What do you want?”
What kind of question is that? “I brought you breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You should eat.”
“Just go, Ash.”
I held my tongue, bottling my frustration. She wasn’t treating me the way I deserved. But I had to keep in mind she was totally distraught with grief. “I have to get to class.”
No response.
“Darling, I love you.”
Again, no response.
I sighed then left.
She was distant for the next few days. She avoided me and stayed in her room. Every time I brought her food, she didn’t eat it. I wasn’t sure why she was pushing me away. What did I do?
Unable to baby her a second longer, I went to her apartment then knocked on her bedroom door. “Alaska?”
“What?” Her voice was quiet
“I want to talk.”
“I’m tired.”
I burst into her door, unable to be patient.
She was lying on her side in the dark.
“That’s too bad.” I sat at the edge of the bed. “Why are you being distant with me?”
She didn’t look at me. She hugged a pillow to her chest.
“I know you’re going through a hard time right now. I’m sensitive to that. I really am. But why won’t you let me in? Why are you pushing me away? I just want to be there for you. I’m not asking for a lot.”
She took a deep breath while she lay still. “Did you tell her to have the surgery?”
That was the last thing I expected her to ask. “What?”
“Did you tell my grandmother to have that surgery? You were her doctor, weren’t you?”
“I can’t discuss her healthcare with you.”
“So, that’s a yes. You told her.” Her voice became harsh, dark.
“Alaska, it’s more complicated than it seems. She didn’t have a lot of choices.”
“So you agreed with her?” She stared me down, angry.
“I wouldn’t say that…I understood her decision.”
“So she’s dead because of you.”
Whoa… My immediate response was to snap and make her feel as small as she was making me. But I held it back, knowing she was in a very dark place. “No. I tried to dissuade her from the surgery but she made a good argument. If she didn’t do it, she was going to sit in a hospital bed until the clot moved to her lungs. At least this way she had a greater chance.”
The tears bubbled under her eyes. “Get out, Ash.”
“Excuse me?” Now I couldn’t stay calm.
“Every time I look at you, I think about what you did.”
“I didn’t do anything. How dare you hold this against me? That decision was hers and hers alone. I couldn’t deny she made the only decision she could. When have I not put you first? You think I wanted her to die? I actually give a shit about my patients. If they lose, I lose.”
She turned over and pulled her blanket over her head. “Just go. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
Is this a joke? “You can’t be serious.”
“I am.” She didn’t stir. The silence stretched.
Unable to contain my rage, I slammed her door then stormed out.
My patience could only last for so long. I knew she was looking for someone to blame for her grief, but this was just ridiculous. I needed to be the bigger man and fight for her, forgiving her for what she said before she apologized. But I couldn’t do it. I was pissed.
I drowned myself in school, trying not to think about her. After she had some space, she would see reason and come back to me. I would just have to wait.
Two weeks later, she still didn’t reach out to me. I kept an eye on her apartment, but she never came and went. The anxiety was killing me. Was she okay? Did she need anything?
Unable to hold out, I walked to her door. I didn’t use her spare key to open it and I knocked instead. When she didn’t answer, I knocked again. “Answer the damn door, Alaska. I got all day.”
She finally opened it, looking thinner than she ever had. She didn’t say a word, just staring at me.
“How are you?”
“I’ve been better…”
I
refrained from holding her despite the effort. I stared at her, hoping she would say what I wanted to hear. “Are you hungry? I can get you something.”
“No, I’m fine.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Are you…feeling better?” My meaning was clear.
“I don’t know your meaning.”
Was she playing dumb? “We aren’t broken up, Alaska. I hope some space would make you feel better. Please tell me it has.”
She shook her head. “How can I be with you after what you did?”
I wanted to strangle her. “Okay, I’m not going to baby you anymore. I’m sorry you lost your grandmother. But remember, I lost someone too. I spent months with her and she made me into a better man and doctor. I miss her every day and I wish she were still here. But I can’t change what happened. Instead of blaming me, you need to accept that this couldn’t play out in any other way. Frankly, you’re being a brat. If you think ending this relationship is going to get rid of me, you’re in for a surprise. I’m not going anywhere. You can deal with it.”
The fire burned in her eyes. It was the only emotion I’d seen in a while. “If you hadn’t allowed this to happen, she would still be here.”
“For how long?” I snapped. “For a month? A year? You want her to sit in a hospital bed all day every day, letting her be bored out of her mind? How would you feel? She was practically a caged animal. If she knew you were acting that way, she wouldn’t put up with it.” I headed back to my apartment and slammed the door. If she were someone else, I wouldn’t put up with this bullshit.
But I loved her. So I would.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Alaska
I couldn’t shake the feeling I had. I felt like Ash was responsible. Maybe I was just pushing him away because I didn’t know how else to handle my grief. Maybe I was just crazy. But I felt nothing.
My grandmother’s words came back to me.
Marry Ash.
She wanted me to be with him, clearly. But how could I when he let her go through with this? He could have told me what was going on. I could have changed it. I could have stopped my grandmother from going through with the worst decision of her life.
A knock on my door shattered my thoughts. It was probably Ash again, wanting to talk about our relationship. He wouldn’t give up. He came by every day and yelled at me, telling me we weren’t over until he said we were over.
I looked through the peephole and spotted my sister.
“Hey,” I said as I opened the door. “What a surprise.”
“Hey.” Her voice was somber.
I let her come inside. “You doing okay?”
“Not really.” She plopped down on the couch. “The money was put into my account but I don’t think I’ll ever use it.”
“Neither will I.” I sat beside her.
“She and grandpa worked their whole lives for that money. It feels wrong to take it.”
“Yeah…but I know she wanted us to have it. She wouldn’t have given it to us if she felt otherwise.”
“It still feels weird to have it. I might just take the interest from it but not touch the actual money.”
“Yeah…”
She fidgeted with her hands. “At least you have Ash. He’s wonderful to you.”
“Actually, I broke up with him…well, he says we’re still together but we aren’t.”
Payton raised an eyebrow. “What? When?”
“A few weeks ago.”
“Why the hell would you do that?”
“I kept thinking about what you said…Ash knew what she was going to do and he never said a thing to me.”
She gave me the same look she used to give me when we were kids. “Are you stupid? He’s bound by law to keep her privacy. You expect him to break his oath for you?”
“Honestly, yes.”
She rolled her eyes. “I have no idea why this guy is so into you. You’re an annoying brat.”
“I can’t stop thinking about how different things would have been if I changed her mind.”
“I miss grandma just as much as you do, but breaking up with Ash isn’t going to change anything. Now it’s in the past. Leave it there. And Nana loved Ash. She wanted you to marry him.”
“I don’t know…”
“Seriously, get your shit together before he’s gone. He’s patient because he loves you but he isn’t perfect. He’ll move on eventually. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
Ash pounded on my door. “Open this damn door.” He was getting angrier with every passing day. Now he practically broke my door every time he visited. The desperation was in his voice. “I said open it.”
I got the door open. “You’re about to break it down.”
The crazed look was in his eye. “You think I give a shit? Then you can stay with me where you belong.”
“Ash—”
“Shut the hell up.”
I flinched at the anger in his voice.
“I’m sick of putting up with your bullshit. I love you and you love me. I’m tired of you pushing me away. Stop being selfish. You aren’t the only one suffering. I need you. I’ve been there for you but now you need to be there for me.”
I crossed my arms over my chest.
“I can’t keep letting you string me along like this. I’m tired of being trampled on over and over.” He reached behind his neck and unclasped a necklace then he grabbed my hand and shoved it into my palm. “I can’t keep this anymore. If you really think I didn’t do my best to take care of your grandmother then I have no right to wear it.” He stormed off then headed back to his apartment.
I opened my palm and saw the rose gold necklace in my palm. It was tarnished and old. Chilean script was across the surface, and the Chilean mountains were in the background. I felt it in my hands, suddenly feeling how heavy it was. It was all my grandfather had when he came to this country. Despite how hard things got, he never pawned it. And after he died, my grandmother never took it off.
Except when she gave it to Ash.
I felt the tears in my eyes. The gesture was paramount. My grandmother didn’t even give this to me or my sister. The only person she felt deserved it was Ash, the man I just threw away.
I came to his door and knocked, knowing he wouldn’t answer it. I didn’t deserve his patience or his devotion. I dragged him through the mud so many times. How he was still here was beyond me.
He opened the door, still looking pissed. “Yeah?”
“I…I’m sorry.”
“You’re going to have to do better than that.”
I stared at the necklace then handed it to him. “This is yours….”
He pushed is back. “No. I’m honored she gave it to me but you should keep it. I can’t carry that weight anymore.”
I felt the tears pour down my face. “I’m sorry. I take back everything I said. My Nana wouldn’t have given this to you if she didn’t love you…as much as me and Payton. She wants me to be with you.”
“But do you want to be with me?”
“Yes. A thousand times, yes. I shouldn’t have blamed you for what happened.”
“There wasn’t any other choice. I’m sorry it turned out the way it did, but that was the only way.”
“I know…I know.”
He stared at me for a long time. “Alaska, you know how much I love you. I wouldn’t have put up with all this bullshit for anyone else. But I can’t keep doing this. You’re either with me or you aren’t. You’ve broken my heart so many times and it can’t handle another crack. If you really can’t do this, then I accept that. I’m going to let you go. But if you want to be with me, things will have to be different. We are a team. We are forever. Breaking up is not an option.”
“I understand.”
“Do you really?”
I nodded. “Yes. I love you.” The tears fell.
He studied my face for a long time, finding the sincerity in my eyes. “Okay.”
I put the necklace around his neck then c
lasped it. “I want you to have this.”
He didn’t take it off. “You do?”
I nodded. “Because you’re my family too.”
His hands moved to my waist and he pulled me to his chest. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too. I’m so sorry.”
He grabbed my neck then kissed my forehead. “Forget about it. I’m glad to have you back.”
I squeezed him to my chest and sighed. Ash was the guardian angel I never expected to find. He was there for me no matter what, even if I didn’t deserve it. I may have lost my grandmother, and my parents may have never wanted me, but he made up for all of that. He was always there for me and I knew he would always be there for me.
Jace broke my heart and ripped me apart, but he put back together all the pieces. He took care of my grandmother and did the best he could. He changed for me, becoming the man I needed. And he changed me, making me stronger. He knew when to push me and went to hold back. He was the perfect man for me, the missing piece of my soul. I never wanted to be without him. He was the one.
And I was the one to him.
The Next Installment of the Forehead Kisses Series
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Payton and Sage
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