Dan is choking on his breakfast and Jess is gazing dreamily up at Jake, and licking butter off her fingers.
‘What? How?’ Bert is spluttering, and is looking for a way out.
‘We all will be,’ Jake chuckles. ‘They’re not going to let us loose with the real thing, are they?’ My hero is back. I do have to admit he is better than any real boyfriend I have ever had. Nobody has ever rescued me from a groper before. He pats Bert on the back again. ‘More’s the pity eh?’
‘Air rifles.’ Dan has recovered enough to say at least one word. He takes a gulp of coffee.
‘Don’t want the best man being shot, do we?’ Jake gives me a friendly squeeze.
What does he think I am? ‘I wouldn’t dream of…’ It’s no wonder he doesn’t want to kiss me again, or throw the cushion barricade away, if he thinks I’m capable of murder. Then I see where he’s looking, over my head towards the corner of the room. ‘Oh.’ Stella has her arms folded and she does not look happy. In fact I haven’t seen her look happy since they arrived. I thought pregnant women were supposed to bloom, be joyous, once the morning sickness stage was over? Quite honestly, it’s hard not to feel a teeny bit sorry for Liam, and very sorry for the babies. Maybe she is just fed up of waiting, maybe she will be joyous once she has the bundles in her arms.
Although now I think about it, she was never very happy when I paid for my petrol.
Jake now has his arm draped casually over my shoulder, and his voice is husky in my ear. ‘I’ve sorted Harry, so I think I’ve just got time to sort you before the day’s activities start, haven’t I?’
Bert splutters. ‘I’d better go and help Edna find the marmalade, please excuse me.’ And the poor man is off at high speed, looking very flustered.
Jess giggles. ‘You are naughty.’
Dan shakes his head. ‘Good on yer, mate.’ Suddenly taking an Australian turn. ‘Now will you all piss off and let me finish my bacon in peace?’
***
‘Are you sure it’s a good idea bringing Harry?’
Harry is now on a lead, but still looking very pleased with himself after his big breakfast. Laura would be horrified, which makes me secretly pleased. I must have a bad, until now largely undiscovered, jealous streak in me.
‘It isn’t a proper shoot, he’ll be fine. We can keep him on his lead.’ I feel quite smug that he has said ‘we’, it almost means we are in this together, he is our dog. As opposed to his and some other woman’s. Hopefully though, that does not mean I’m partly responsible if he does something bad.
As Jake had announced at breakfast, we’d all be shooting blanks. They won’t be letting me loose with a loaded shotgun. And I do think that Jake has a point. Liam is in much more danger from Stella than from me.
Anyway today is air rifle day, but tomorrow I might actually get the chance to shout ‘pull’ when we graduate to clay pigeons.
Although I might have pulled already. I’m not quite sure if Jake is a truly brilliant actor, or actually a little bit fond of me. He did say I was sexy…
Harry, it turns out, is not keen on shooting. Maybe he is a pacifist, or doesn’t approve of blood sports. Although I know for a fact he’s not vegetarian, and he’s more than capable of killing a leather shoe when it suits him.
At first he whines, then he starts to bark, and now we have progressed to howling. I did try holding his ears firmly under his chin to cut down on the noise, but he still wasn’t convinced. So, being the good girlfriend and caring partial dog-owner that I am, I decide to take him for a little walk. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I seem much more accomplished at hitting the space between the targets, than the actual targets themselves.
It’s nice away from all the noise though, with a companion who is an excellent listener and doesn’t butt in at all when I tell him all about my quest to rediscover my true vocation. Now that I have found the real me again, I am determined to decide what I should do with my life as soon as this week is over. I did mention to Jake some charity work, but I need a long term plan. I have an exciting stirring which started after I had spoken to Jake, a tiny germ of an idea involving accompanying people to exotic locations, rather than just sending them there on their own. I love exploring, whereas a lot of people are a bit scared of this, aren’t they? With my organisational skills I could take away the stress, and get to see the world whilst being paid.
‘There has to be more to life than a dead end job, doesn’t there?’ Harry looks up and blinks knowingly. ‘I can’t keep settling for second best and doing what other people want me to, can I?’ Harry gives a vigorous shake. He’s with me on that one, he has a policy of doing whatever he wants – unless Jake has quietly threatened him with castration if he doesn’t stop it. ‘I’ll be thirty soon, which is a third of my life gone.’ I have good genes, my parents show no signs of dying young, they’re just getting a bit eccentric. ‘I really don’t need a man in my life.’ Harry looks doubtful at that one, and gives a little whimper. ‘But if I do have a man it has to be somebody like Jake, doesn’t it?’ That gets a wag. ‘Somebody who makes me tingle and somebody who can make me laugh.’ I think back to that woman in the hairdresser’s who was talking about Hugh Grant. She had been right, though I hadn’t realised it at the time. I need somebody who can make me truly happy, who can make me giggle. Or I will just settle for a dog.
‘Sam, can we talk?’
My conversation with the dog is interrupted, and Harry flops down with a heavy sigh.
‘Oh, it’s you.’ Liam. The person I least want to have a chat with. In fairness to him, if he hadn’t acted quite so badly I might never have realised what a hash I was making of my life, so he has done me a favour. But I still don’t want to talk to him, because he didn’t do it for my benefit. He was being selfish.
‘I don’t seem to have seen you on your own all week so far.’ He scowls like a spoiled child. ‘It’s been impossible, that man won’t leave you alone.’
‘No, well, Jake’s very attentive.’ Harry sits on my feet at the sound of his master’s name, and looks up at me. Then looks at Liam and barks. He’s a way better judge of character than I am. ‘And he is my boyfriend.’ I feel I should be clear on that point.
‘I noticed.’ Liam is scuffing at the earth with his shoes, which isn’t the type of thing he normally does at all, because it tends to leave dirty marks. ‘You look happy.’
‘I am.’
‘You look good. Great. Really.’ This was exactly what I’d wanted Liam to say when we saw each other, and yet now he’s said it I realise I don’t really care that much. I’d like to return the compliment, but Liam doesn’t look great, and I don’t want to add to the lies.
‘Thanks.’
As he stands there, all awkward, and not like the old Liam at all, I realise that the way he looks is how I’d felt when we were together. He made me feel awkward, and not at all sure of myself. He took my sexiness away from me.
Being with Jake is what has made me look good, because he’s made me feel good. It’s not my weight, or my inability to achieve all the things I’d wanted to, none of that has really changed (although I am doing something about that). But something inside me has. I’ve rediscovered me. I have remembered how much fun things can be, I have remembered that wild, silly ideas can sometimes turn out to be good ones. I have remembered why I had my tattoo.
‘We had something, didn’t we Samantha, something good?’
He’s looking at me as though this really matters. ‘Well…’ I pause and try to work out what to say. ‘We had something nice, and safe, and comfortable.’ It’s the fairest I can do.
‘A nice home?’
‘A very nice home.’ And it was. It was what I thought I really wanted. With his and hers nice towels, his and hers sides of the nice sofa, his and hers roles in the relationship. As though we were ninety.
‘I’ve been such an idiot, I shouldn’t have messed it up, we could have been quite settled.’
Settled? What k
ind of a word is settled? Settled is what you do when you start thinking about a massive mortgage, plan Christmas in July and think about your imaginary kids’ education. I want to scream it at him, but instead I just smile in what I hope is a non-committal way, as opposed to a forgiving way. Because I haven’t forgiven.
‘I’m sorry, Sam. I’ve been so stupid. It was just her boiler had broken, and she was all on her own and asked me to have a look.’
‘Well, her boiler isn’t broken now, is it?’
He looks startled, which isn’t surprising I suppose.
‘Well no, I put a new washer in, and then the following week she had an issue with her gas, which can be quite dangerous.’
‘I bet it can.’ A gassy Stella isn’t something I want to dwell on.
‘It can be difficult for a woman on her own.’
That comment warrants a glare. ‘I bloody know it can, what do you think I was once you left me?’
‘But you’ve got friends, and family, people like you.’
I’m not sure if this is a compliment or not.
‘And once she told me she was pregnant, what could I do?’ He runs his hands through his hair, another very un-Liam like thing to do. Messy. ‘Oh God, Samantha, I’m not ready to be a dad, I’m not ready to … to leave you and our nice life.’
‘Shouldn’t you have thought of that before you cheated on me and got her pregnant?’
‘She said she was on the pill.’ His face is twisted like he might start crying, and I am struck by a sudden lightning bolt of understanding. A lot of Liam’s niceness is actually weakness. Why haven’t I realised before? I could be Stella. That could have been me. Well not actually me being her, but if I’d been mysteriously struck pregnant he’d probably have gone to pieces like he’s doing now. He looks like he hasn’t slept for a month, so what’s he going to look like when there’s a baby, sorry, babies, in the house?
‘Liam.’ If this had been two months ago I might have thrown myself into his arms, two weeks ago I might have tried to strangle him, but now I can’t be bothered to do anything. ‘Would you have freaked like this if I’d got preggers?’
He blinks uncomprehendingly. ‘But you wouldn’t, you haven’t. You’re not, are you?’ He looks even more freaked now. He takes a step backwards as though I might have something catching. Although if I have, it’s a bit late for him to worry about it.
‘You’ve always been the one for me, Samantha. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.’
A flash of colour catches my eye and stops me from saying anything rude. On the hill heading towards us with long, positive strides is Jake. My knight, not that I need one right now. I’ve got this.
He’s been watching us, I’m sure he has. He’s close enough to see properly now and for a moment he pauses, and he smiles and gives me a tiny thumbs up.
He’s letting me know he’s there for me, but knows I can handle it. He believes in me.
And then I know. If a man, any man, can make me feel that special, at that distance, when he’s just doing a job – then Liam has never been within a million miles of being ‘the one’ for me.
‘Liam.’ I suddenly get another lightning bolt, I seem to be on fire today. I also seem to be lacking in empathy for the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But he does deserve it. This is totally his own doing. ‘Did your parents never tell you that you shouldn’t dip your wick if you can’t face the consequences?’ Liam looks dumbfounded, this obviously wasn’t the response he was expecting.
‘Dip his wick?’ Jake slides to a halt beside us, his eyes are twinkling. I quite like his twinkly look, when he goes all crinkly-wrinkly round his eyes. I can tell he’s trying to keep a straight face. Apart from the eyes.
‘Mr Double-dip here—’ okay, I’m mixing metaphors, or facts, or whatever, but I’m on a roll ‘—was shagging us both, so he deserves whatever bed he’s made and has to lie in.’ After a few drinks I’ve been known to confuse even myself – this is good, by my standards. Particularly as I have not had a snifter of whisky today. But I know what I mean.
‘So you don’t want to get back together?’ There’s still the slightest whiff of hope in Liam’s tone, something that needs stamping on.
‘You have made your bed with Stella.’ I try to sound lofty, but from the twist to Jake’s mouth I think I might be failing. He’s still trying not to laugh. ‘And the twins.’
‘Oh God. Twins.’ Liam’s wail is not that of a man prepared for imminent fatherhood. ‘Two of them.’
I decide not to agree that twins normally means two. ‘And Stella.’
‘I thought you loved me.’
That does stop me dead for a while, and my jollity does a runner. ‘So did I Liam, but…’ I take a deep breath, knowing he can never be the one. ‘Now I know I don’t.’ I pause. ‘I’m sorry.’ And I am. Once upon a time we’d both thought we’d met our perfect partner. ‘And you can’t love me, can you? Or you wouldn’t have ever gone near her boiler, would you?’
Jake squeezes my hand. I hadn’t even realised we were holding hands, which is a bit worrying. Have I really got that used to having him around?
‘And anyway, I’ve got Jake now.’ I squeeze back, and shoot him a look. I came here, to Scotland, for Jess, but I realise now that although I might not have gained a boyfriend, I’ve gained a heck of a lot more. ‘I’ve moved on Liam, I think you need to as well, don’t you? Don’t forget to send me the christening piccies.’ But not the cacky birth ones though, oh no, no, please not those.
‘Sure.’ Liam nods and straightens up as though he’s completely accepted the situation. But that’s what he’s like. Logical. This is the most emotional I’ve seen him for ages, and it’s because he’s on the verge of panic about his new life. A life he doesn’t really have much control over. It’s not me he really wants, it’s security, safety, the same ‘knowing’ I’d thought I wanted. An escape route. ‘I’ll see you around then. I’d better get back to Stella.’
Something inside me deflates as he ambles away, up the hill. And it’s not something like hope, no last flickering embers of desire or anything poetic like that. I just feel worn out. I am shocked to realise I am trembling.
‘I thought things like this were supposed to be empowering, energising?’
Jake chuckles. ‘I think you’re getting confused with confessing your sins, or unburdening your soul.’
‘Oh.’ Though it is a bit like that, confessing to him and admitting to myself that I don’t love him, probably never have, and it has nothing to do with Stella and what he did. ‘I need a drink, a large drink.’
‘I’m sure I can arrange that m’lady.’
‘I’m so over him, he’s going to be a—’
‘Dad?’
‘I’d really rather have a puppy, like Harry.’ It’s at that moment that I realise in all the emotional hoo-ha I have forgotten about my responsibilities.
I am holding a lead with no dog.
All that is left at knee height, where the black fluffiness should be, is a frayed, chewed piece of tartan nylon.
‘Shit.’ I look blankly at Jake, who looks back, then back down at the lead as though miraculously Harry might reappear. He doesn’t. ‘Where’s he gone?’ I spin round, but it’s hopeless he could be anywhere. All around are mottled patches of dark and light, heather of different shades that is on the verge of flowering. ‘Oh God, I’m sorry, he was here when Liam came, I swear it. He gave him a funny look, and…’ Oh buggery bugger, he could be anywhere. The place is massive.
‘It’s okay, don’t panic.’ Jake puts his hands on my shoulders and looks reassuringly into my eyes. ‘He can’t have gone far.’
‘Except he does.’
‘What?’
‘Go far.’ He runs faster and further than any dog I’ve ever had. I can imagine him hurtling up the hillside, dodging the thistles, bouncing over the heather, into a distant part of the estate I’ve never been to.
‘He’s probably gone
after a squirrel, or rabbit, and just headed off with his nose down.’ Jake has got the faintest of frowns on his forehead, which from what I know of him so far means he is definitely worried. It’s his version of panic.
Oh hell, what have I done? He loves Harry, and Laura will be furious, or heartbroken, or both.
‘Oh no.’ I clasp my hands to my mouth. ‘He could be stuck down a hole, or up a tree.’
‘Tree?’ For a moment there’s the normal glimmer of a smile on Jake’s face. ‘He’s not a cat.’
Which reminds me of an article in one of Mum’s magazines. ‘There are big cats in Scotland aren’t there? Wild ones, they might get him.’ It was pretty graphic, with blurry pictures of prowling cats and torn bloody carcasses of sheep and deer. I grasp Jake’s arm. ‘I’ll organise a search party, I’ll get Jess. We need to find him quick before it gets dark.’ All the pictures were at night, Scottish cats hunt when it’s dark. Harry can’t be an evil cat’s late-night snack, he just can’t, I love him too much already.
‘Sam, calm down. He won’t get stalked by a cat. He might even have headed back for his dinner, you know what he’s like about food.’
‘We need binoculars.’ Why aren’t I one of those people that goes fully equipped on a ramble?
Jake shakes his head and hollers. I holler. Our hollering bounces off the emptiness and there is no sign of a little black dog, or anything. Not even a rabbit. The big cats have probably eaten them all.
‘Hang on! There, that’s him isn’t it?’
I spin round. ‘Where?’
Jake is pointing in the one direction I hadn’t looked. The loch. It takes a minute, but then I see what could be him. A dishevelled black blob. A soggy doggy balanced on what looks to be a log.
He’s okay, he’s alive, just a bit damp. Nothing that can’t be fixed with a quick blast from the hairdryer in our room.
‘Shit, he can’t swim.’
‘What do you mean, he can’t swim?’ I trot after Jake, who is heading for the bank of the loch. ‘All dogs can swim, that’s why it’s called doggy paddle.’ I’m panting, this man can move fast when he wants to. ‘Every dog I’ve ever known has been able to swim.’
The Wedding Date Page 19