Off to War

by Deborah Ellis

  My brothers just take each day as it comes. They don’t really understand what Dad’s doing. They just think he’s in an army tank in the sand somewhere.

  I get through the hard times by spending time with my horse. Horses take my mind off things. Their personalities are funny. My horse stays in a barn up a couple of roads from here.

  We’ll always need an army. There’s always going to be something that happens and people are always going to fight. One of the jobs of the army is to deal with people who rebel against things, and people will always rebel.

  Eric — I’m not five anymore. Daddy kills bad guys. I want to do what he does when I get bigger, or maybe be a medic. I could still kill bad guys in my spare time.

  We miss Daddy when he goes away. He goes away for a long time, then he comes back for a little while, then he goes away again. When he’s here we play video games together, and he takes us places. I want him to get home.

  Cole — I’m in grade one. I’ve got army gloves, an army hat, army pants and a brand-new machine gun. I like the army because they get to ride tanks. I saw tanks in the museum on base, but they didn’t let me climb on them because you have to be big for that.

  Daddy is an important soldier. He’s away now on training and is coming back in a lot of sleeps. He fires guns, does pushups and jumping jacks. Lots of hard work.

  I’m going to be a soldier when I grow up because they have guns and I like shooting bad guys. The hard part would be dying. Flying a jet and smashing it would be hard, too. I don’t know how to fly a jet yet. They’d have to teach me.

  Afghanistan is on the other side of the world. They have guns there, and tanks, and even Jeeps. Daddy’s job is to shoot the bad guys. Bad guys don’t have to stay bad guys. They could change and become good guys and then Daddy wouldn’t have to shoot them.

  If an Afghan boy came to visit me, we could play together with my blocks and guns.

  When Daddy’s home we play with cars and he naps every day. He watches out the door for me when I go to my friend’s house to make sure I get there safe. He tells me I have to look both ways when I cross the street so I won’t get run over by a car.

  Mikyla, 12, and Marina, 7

  Canadian forces arrived in Afghanistan in 2002 to take part in Operation Enduring Freedom, the name given to the US-led invasion in response to the events of September 11, 2001. Canadians are currently committed to staying in Afghanistan until at least 2011. In addition to direct fighting against the Taliban and other Afghans who oppose outsiders occupying their country, Canadian soldiers are involved in reconstruction projects — building roads, schools and clinics, training police, removing land mines and distributing humanitarian aid.

  Mikyla and Marina are sisters who live on the base at Petawawa. Their father is a supply tech who recently returned from a tour in Afghanistan.

  Mikyla — Our dad’s been in the military as long as I’ve known him. I think he joined up because he liked tanks and things like that.

  He went to Afghanistan last August. I know that he really wanted to go, to see what it was like.

  I felt sad and disappointed and scared when he went overseas. There were a lot of people leaving on the same day. We took him to the airport, and there were a lot of people crying. There was an escalator at the airport, and I went down it after we’d said goodbye. I looked back and he was still waving at us. It was really sad, seeing him go.

  We dropped him off in the afternoon, then me and my mom went to East Side Mario’s. Then we went shopping. It was a good thing to do because we stopped crying and felt a little better. For a little while it took our minds off him leaving.

  I worried about him getting hit, or bombed, or shot. Dad almost got hit by a rocket. It went right past him, and he just ducked for cover. He was just on his break having a cup of coffee when it happened. I think he was on the base. The rocket came right into the base.

  He phoned us from Afghanistan. For me the phone calls were hard, and just hearing his voice was, like, strange. He would sound kind of shaky when he called. It was hard to know what to say.

  Marina — It wasn’t easy for me, either. Sometimes when he’d call, we would cry.

  Mikyla — He was gone over Christmas. It just didn’t feel right because it’s supposed to be a family thing. We went to my aunt’s house and tried to have a nice Christmas, but it wasn’t the same. There were no presents from Dad, and he wasn’t there.

  Marina — He didn’t miss our birthdays, though. He almost missed Mikyla’s, but got home two days before.

  Mikyla — I was really happy when he came home.

  Marina — That was a good day.

  Mikyla — We got all these gifts, like earrings, and a dress like Afghan girls wear. It’s green and has beads on it. It had pants with it.

  Marina — The pants are a little funny. They’re different from what we wear.

  Mikyla — Dad was different when he came back. He wouldn’t waste any food. Before, he would usually waste something of what he ate, but when he came back he never did that anymore, because he thought about the kids over there who are starving to death.

  He wasn’t as funny anymore, either. He was sad a lot.

  He never talks about it. He says he doesn’t like talking about it. I don’t want to ask him because it might bring bad memories to him.

  He did say that one time, he’d seen these kids on a dead horse, and they were playing on the dead horse like they’d play on a playground. It was a really sad and disgusting sight for him.

  Before he left for overseas, he was funny, and he would play around with us a lot. He’d joke around or play cards with us, and do all these things with us. He doesn’t play with us anymore now, not really. He spends most of his time on the computer, looking up photographs. Or watches TV.

  Marina — Or he plays video games.

  Mikyla — He took a whole bunch of pictures over there, so he’ll usually look at those. On TV, he’ll probably watch war things or war shows or war movies. He wasn’t so much into them before he left. So he’s different.

  I think the military is over there to try to make Afghanistan a better place, and bring peace.

  Marina — And save the little kids.

  Mikyla — We’re so free here in Canada and hardly anything goes wrong, and in Afghanistan kids are going hungry.

  Marina — There was a cat on the base in Afghanistan that really liked my dad. It was called Sophie, and she was kind of the base cat. She belonged to all the soldiers, but she really liked my dad, and our dad fell in love with her, too. Sophie had a cat boyfriend who had no ears because he was fighting all the time.

  Mikyla — Dad likes a lot of things about being in the military. He likes driving tanks and making friends.

  I’ve lived on lots of bases. I’ve lived in Edmonton, Halifax and New Brunswick. And here. I don’t want to join the military when I grow up because they might send me to Afghanistan, and I don’t want to go there.

  Marina — I think I’d like to be a sergeant, because sergeants are in charge. If I can’t be a sergeant then I’ll be a vet.

  Mikyla — I’d rather be a lawyer. I like solving problems.

  One of our father’s friends died right in front of him. It was one of his best friends. He died right in front of my dad, and Dad got so mad he just started shooting at the person who did it. I don’t know if the guy died or not. My dad never told me. When I look at him, I feel that he’s so brave to go over there.

  Mom had a lot of problems when Dad was gone. She was so stressed at times. She got grumpy sometimes, but she was really strong, too. Mom is so talented. She knits beautiful things and sells them at craft shows. Sometimes she likes being with the military, but she doesn’t like moving from place to place and losing her friends.

  My advice for other military kids is that it’s okay to cry or be sad. Find someone you can talk to. That will help.

  Chad, 17

  The stress soldiers experience doesn’t end when they leave the war
zone. Sometimes being back at home and away from military surroundings is when the stress begins to catch up to them. Family members can find themselves living with a very different person from the one they knew.

  This condition, sometimes called battle fatigue, post-traumatic stress disorder or operational stress injury, takes many forms. Some soldiers experience nightmares, depression, sensitivity to loud noises, and feelings of being out of place. Some experience the sensations of war in odd moments at home, triggered by a sound or a scent. Others find it difficult to be close to people in the same way they were before they went overseas.

  Being in a war zone — seeing and being with people who are suffering, being in a place where danger is all around — is bound to affect the people who go through it. Some parents, after spending months around children who are hungry and have no schooling, lose patience when their own children carry on like regular North American kids, wanting this and that and complaining about homework. Others return home changed in a positive way, more appreciative of their families and less likely to get angry at small things.

  Since there is no standard way that parents behave when they come home from war, it’s hard for kids to know what to expect.

  Chad’s father is with the Canadian military at CFB Trenton. He recently returned from a tour in Kandahar, Afghanistan.

  My father is serving with the military. He’s trying to make chief. There are 210 people under him directly. He maintains aircraft. He started out with the military police, then he moved into maintenance. I have an older brother who is twenty-three, and an older sister who is eighteen. My mother works as a dispatcher.

  My father just got back from Kandahar, where he was building roads and a police station. He’s been overseas a lot. He was in Africa a couple of times, and Dubai. He’s on alert status more than half the time, so he’s been away a lot. Kandahar was pretty dangerous. There was a lot of stuff going through the line, rockets and things, and he had a couple of bomb threats as well.

  That’s kind of been his life. There was one time he was in Rwanda, going down the street, and they had to stop and when he looked over there was a little kid who had an M16 to his head. He was in Rwanda just after the massacres. He saw all the bodies and the body parts strewn around. He’s still going through the treatment to get over what he saw. I was around eight at the time.

  After he got back from Rwanda there were certain sounds or smells that made him snap. Before, he was just nice and quiet and easy. I’m not quite sure which sounds or smells set him off, but my mom always talks about it.

  He was in Rwanda just once, for six or eight months. Like I said, he’s still in treatment for that, and the military keeps sending him overseas.

  As soon as my father got back from Kandahar, my parents decided to split. It was his decision, really. He told us that as soon as he set foot on the Canadian tarmac, he stopped knowing what he wanted, so they split. He got back on March 1, and as soon as he stepped off the plane and hit the landing strip, he decided he didn’t know what he wanted.

  My mother had no clue about any of this while he was away. None of us did. They emailed each other all the time, and everything seemed normal, but as soon as he got back and stepped on Canadian soil, he was just — he went blank, and he didn’t know what he wanted.

  That was a couple of months ago. I haven’t asked him for an explanation. We don’t talk about anything.

  My mother was so surprised. They’d been married for twenty-three years, and she had no idea this is what was coming. She said that when he got back from Afghanistan he was acting a lot different. He was trying to control stuff. It was weird, the things that were happening in the house. It was different from before. I didn’t notice so much because I just go to school and then to work, so I wasn’t home much.

  Dad was in Kandahar for six months.

  I emailed him there. We talked about how we were going to go fishing when he got back, maybe get a car and fix it up for the drag races. We were talking about how he was going to retire, but that’s not happening now. He’s staying in for a few more years. He wants to get his chief ranking.

  Before Kandahar, he was quiet, but he always wanted to do stuff with us. Now he’s always running around all over the place, trying to keep himself busy.

  He lives on the base with me. We moved my mom down to Kingston last Saturday and my dad and I live here on the base so I can finish high school here. We share a house, and we hang out, but we don’t talk.

  I’m used to waking up and having my mom here, so it’s different for me. Now it’s just him, and he’s not really here. I’m glad I can talk about this with my brother. He’s a police officer in Kingston.

  I wish I knew what happened to Dad in Kandahar. He won’t talk about it. I think he’s afraid he’ll end up scaring us because of what he went through. It makes me lonely, but I don’t worry about stuff he doesn’t want to talk about. I’ll let him come to me if he wants to, but I don’t think he’ll want to. His temper is short, but it’s always been short.

  I do know that there was an American civilian killed by a suicide bomber just a few yards away from my dad. That would change anybody.

  I’ve got lots of friends, not just kids from the base. Most of my friends live in the city, and we drive around, go to parties, whatever.

  Hopefully I’ll go into the police college and become a cop like my brother. I wouldn’t want to join the army because I wouldn’t want to be away from my family. I couldn’t do that.

  I think my relationship with my dad will still be steady. Hopefully we’ll still have our fishing trips, like old times. That would be good. Mom’s doing okay, although she’s still kind of in shock.

  I honestly don’t know what Canada is doing in Afghanistan. I just tried to keep my mom nice and cool when Dad was over there. Even though things are different now, as long as my dad is home safe, I’m happy.

  Edwin, 8, and Erika, 17

  There are currently five US military bases on Puerto Rico, a small island in the Caribbean not far from the Dominican Republic. Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States, and Puerto Ricans are considered to be full US citizens. There are more than 3,500 Puerto Ricans serving in the United States military.

  Edwin and Erika’s father is stationed at Fort Bragg, although they live off post in the city of Fayetteville, since there is not enough on-post housing for all the military families that want to live there. The family loves their Puerto Rican culture and have held on to it even while living on an army base in Germany and on other bases in the continental United States. Their father is currently serving in Afghanistan.

  Edwin — Daddy is in Afghanistan. It’s deserty there. He’s there working but I don’t know what he’s doing.

  I feel all alone when he’s gone, like I have no one to play with. He plays baseball with me, and football, and sometimes I help him fix stuff. When the lawnmower breaks, or the fence, I help him fix it.

  I have trouble sleeping when he’s away. I keep waking up and listening in case he came home in the night.

  He goes away a lot. He comes home for a little while, but then he goes away again.

  Erika — My dad’s away a lot, on training, in lots of places. He’s in Afghanistan now. He’ll be there for another year.

  He was supposed to be coming home on leave in October, but they’ve moved it back to December or maybe even February. One thing I know for sure is that we’ll be without him for Christmas. It will be our first Christmas ever without him. I don’t even want to celebrate. I don’t even want a Christmas tree.

  The reason is, it’s hard to have fun when at that same moment he might be in the middle of a battle. I could be laughing and singing and right at that moment, he could be getting shot or bombed, or maybe he’s hurt or scared. Why should I have fun when he’s not?

  I don’t tell him how I feel because I don’t want him to feel bad and start crying. Once he called when we were having dinner. Mom had cooked all this great Hispanic food and we were
stuffing our faces. Dad called and said all he’d had to eat that day was a hot dog. I worry that he’s going to starve to death. We send him Hispanic food that he can cook for himself over there. I hope they let him cook it. He has to eat!

  My dad’s been in the army for eleven years. I was only two when we moved from Puerto Rico. First we lived in Texas, in Fort Hood, where my brother was born. Then we moved to Germany for three years. I didn’t like it there. I remember only two places to eat out, pizza and Burger King, and I don’t like either of those kinds of food. I like rice.

  Germany was really hard for my mother. She didn’t know how to speak either English or German, only Spanish. My brother and I were sick all the time in Germany because we weren’t used to the cold. He got a lot of fevers, and I had salmonella and bronchitis. I remember a lot of ear pain. Maybe that’s why I don’t like Germany. Dad spoke English but he was always away on training. He’d be gone for weeks, and Mom was stuck on base with two sick children and no way to get help. So she taught herself English by watching the air force channel on TV. She said it was dull, but it was the only English channel we could get.

  We traveled around a bit, when we weren’t sick, to Italy and around Germany. That was fine. A lot of it was very beautiful, but I think I was too young to appreciate it properly.

  We were in Germany when September 11 happened. The whole base was locked down. Dad had to work for two straight days without a break.

  After Germany, we were sent to Oklahoma. Two weeks after we got there, our house was broken into and our stuff was stolen.

  So we haven’t had it easy. Mom got really sad sometimes. She said she missed Puerto Rico, she missed her old life, and her new life was too hard and lonely. She said there were times when she just wanted to jump out the window, but she’d never do that because she loves us too much. She doesn’t handle it well when Dad’s gone. I know she misses him, and she doesn’t like all the moving.