MA07 MYTH Inc Link

by Robert Asprin

  “I can’t make up my mind between a golf course and an amusement park,” I said. “That can wait for a while until we see how the rest of this works out.”

  Right about then, I noticed Vic babes had his cheaters off and was studyin’ me. Now, I’m used to bein’ stared at, but there was somethin’ kinda unsettlin’ about his expression that was outside the norm, if ya know what I mean. I waited for him ta speak his mind, but after a while the silence started gettin’ to me.

  “What’re you lookin’ at me that way for, Young and bloodthirsty? Did I grow another head sudden-like when I wasn’t lookin’?”

  Instead of answerin’ right away, he just kept starin’ until I was thinkin’ a bustin’ him one just ta break the suspense.

  “You know, Massha,” he said finally, “for a so-called apprentice, you’re pretty savvy. With the way you dress and talk it’s easy to overlook, but there’s quite a mind lurking behind all that mascara, isn’t there?”

  Now if there’s one thing I have trouble handlin’ it’s praise ... maybe ‘cause I don’t hear that much of it. To keep my embarrassment from bein’ too noticeable, I did what I always do and ducked behind a laugh.

  “Don’t let the wrappin’ fool ya, Fangs. Remember, I used ta be an independent before I signed on with Skeeve’s gang. Magician for the city-state of Ta-hoe and then Vey-gus over on Jahk, that was me.”

  “Really? I didn’t know that.”

  Just goes to show how rattled I was. I couldn’t even remember how little Vic knew about our operation and the people in it.

  “That was when I first ran into the Boy Wonder. He was in trouble then, too ... in fact, Skeeve seems to have a knack for trouble. Remind me sometime to tell you about the spot he was in when I did join up.”

  “Why not now?” he said, leanin’ back in his chair. “I’m not going anywhere, and there’s no time like the present for learning more about one’s business associates.”

  As you’ve probably noticed, I was eager to get off the spot, and talkin’ about Skeeve seemed to be just the ticket I was lookin’ for.

  “Well, at the time his big green mentor had taken off for Perv, see ... some kinda family problem. Anyway, the king puts the touch on Skeeve to stand in for him, supposedly so’s his royalness could take a bit of a vacation ... say, for a day or so. What the Man neglected to mention to our colleague was that his bride-to-be, a certain Queen Hemlock, was due ta show up expectin’ ta tie the knot with whoever was warmin’ the throne just then.”

  “Queen Hemlock?”

  “Let me tell you, she was a real sweetheart. Probably would have ended up on the gallows at an early age if she hadn’t been the daughter of a king. As it was, she ended up runnin’ the richest kingdom in that dimension and was out to merge with the best military force around ... which turned out to be the kingdom that Skeeve was babysittin’.”

  Vic frowned.

  “If she was already in a position to buy anything she wanted, what did she need an army for?”

  “For those doodads that weren’t for sale. You see, we all have our little dreams. Hers was to rule the world. That was Queen Hemlock for you. The morals of a mink in heat and the humble aspirations of Genghis Khan.”

  “And the two of you stopped her?”

  “To be truthful with you, Skeeve did. All I did was round up the king so we could put him back on the throne where he was supposed to be. Skeeve set ‘em up with a pair of wedding rings that never come off which also link their lives. That meant if Queenie wanted to off Kingie and clear the path for a little world-conquering, she’d be slitting her own throat at the same time.”

  “Where’d he find those? I never heard of such a thing.”

  I gave him a chuckle and a wink.

  “Neither has anyone else. What they got was some junk jewelry from a street vendor here at the Bazaar along with a fancy story concocted by one Skeeve the Great. What I’m sayin’ is that he sold ‘em a line of hooey, but it was enough to cool Hemlocks jets. Smooth move, wasn’t it?”

  Instead of joinin’ in with my laughter, the vampire thought for a few moments, then shook his head.

  “I don’t get it,” he said. “Now, don’t mistake me ... I think Skeeve’s a swell guy and all that. It’s just that from all I can find out, he doesn’t use all that much magik, and what he does use is pretty weak stuff. So how has he built up an organization of top-flight talent around him like you and the others?”

  “I’ll tell ya, Vic, there’s magik and there’s magik Skeeve has ... how can I explain it? He may not be strong in the bibbity-bobbity-boo department, and he hasn’t got the woman sense of a Quasimodo, but he’s got enough heart for three normal folks.”

  I punched him lightly on the arm.

  “Remember when I said he has a knack for gettin’ into trouble? Well, the truth is that more often than not he’s bailin’ someone else out who really deserves to get what’s comin’ to ‘em. In that Hemlock caper I was just tellin’ you about, he could have headed for the horizon once he figured out that he’d been had ... but that would have left a whole kingdom without a leader, so he stuck it out. When I met him, he was workin’ at gettin’ Tananda loose after she got pinched tryin’ ta steal a birthday present for Aahz. Heck, as I recall, the first time we crossed paths with you we were settin’ up a jailbreak for his old mentor. That’s Skeeve, if ya see what I mean. He’s always getting’ in over his head tryin’ ta do what he thinks is right, and a body gets the feelin’ ... I don’t know, that if you stand beside him he just might be able to pull it off. Even if it don’t work out, you feel you’ve been doin’ somethin’ good with your life instead of just hangin’ in there for the old number one. Am I makin’ any sense at all?”

  “More than you know,” Vic said. “If I’m understanding you properly, he sets a high personal standard, and consequently draws people to him who are impressed by the sincerity of his actions ... who in turn try to match the proportionate output they perceive in him. It’s an interesting theory. I’ll have to think about it.”

  I couldn’t help but notice that once old Fangs got wrapped up in somethin’, he started soundin’ more like a college prof than a night-lovin’ partygoer. It made me little curious, but since I don’t like people tryin’ to peek at more of me than I’m willin’ to show, I decided to let it go.

  “Speakin’ a theories,” I said, “we got one that isn’t goin’ to work itself out without a lotta pushin’ from us.”

  The vampire stretched his arms and yawned.

  “All right. I’ll take care of the disco and the architect if you can start checking into the casino and the shops. Okay?”

  I had to admit I was a little taken aback by his enthusiasm.

  “You mean right now? It’s pretty late.”

  He showed me his fangs in a little grin.

  “For you, maybe. Us night people are just starting to wake up, which means it’s just the right time for me to start scouting around for a band and bar staff. Since were on different missions anyway, though, I’ve got no problem if you want to catch a few Z’s before you do your rounds. What say we meet here same time tomorrow for an update?”

  * * *

  NOW, FOLKS, I may strut a bit and loud-talk even more, but I’ll also be the first to admit that little Massha doesn’t know every thin’. One of the many things I know next ta nothin’ about is how ta run a casino. Considerin’ this, it was easy ta see I was goin’ ta require the services of an expert ... in casinos, that is.

  It took me a while to locate him, but I finally ran my mark to ground. He was slouched at a back table in a dingy bar, and from the look of him things hadn’t been goin’ real good. I was glad ta see that... not that I wished him ill, mind you; it just made my sales pitch a little easier.

  “Hiya, Geek,” I said, easin’ up to his table. “Mind if I join ya?” He blinked his eyes a couple times tryin’ ta f
ocus ‘em before he realized that the person talkin’ to him really was that big.

  “Well, well, well. If it isn’t one of the M.Y.T.H. Inc. hotshots. What brings you to this neck of the woods, Massha? Slumming?”

  I pulled up a chair so’s I could sit close to him. I mean, he hadn’t said no, and that’s about as close to an invitation as I usually get.

  “I know you’re busy, Geek, so I’ll give it to ya straight. Were cookin’ up a little deal and I’d like you to be a part of it. Interested?”

  “Well, whaddaya know. After making me sell my club and putting me out on the street, The Great Skeeve has a deal for me. Isn’t that just ducky!”

  Now I may not know casinos, but I know drunk when I see it. Seein’ as how it was just sunset, which for the Geek is like early morning, he was in pretty bad shape. The trouble was, I needed him sober. Normally I’d a taken him off someplace and let him sleep it off, but I was in a hurry. This called for drastic action.

  Glancin’ around the place to be sure there were no witnesses, I leaned forward, wrapped my arms around his neck, and gave him the biggest, juiciest kiss I knew. One of the other things I know more than a little about is kissin’, and this particular sample lasted a fairly long time. When I felt him startin’ ta struggle for air, I let go and leaned back.

  “Wha ... Who ... Massha!” he said, gaspin’ like a fish out of water. “What happened?”

  I batted my eyelashes at him.

  “I don’t think I catch your drift, Big Red.”

  The Geek just sat there blinkin’ for a few seconds, one hand on the top of his head like he was afraid it was goin’ ta come off.

  “I ... I don’t know,” he managed at last. “I’ve been drunk for ... what day is it? Never mind! ... For a long time. Now all of a sudden I’m wide awake and stone cold sober. What happened? How long have you been here?”

  I smiled ta myself and mentally accepted a pat on the back. My record was still intact. I’ve been told more times than you can count that nothin’ sobers a body up as completely or as fast as a little hug and a kiss from Massha.

  “Just long enough to catch the curtain goin’ up,” I said. “Now that were all present and accounted for, though, I want ya ta listen close to a little proposition.”

  The Geek used ta be one of the biggest bookies at the Bazaar. At one point, he had his own club, called the Even Odds. Of course, that was before Skeeve caught him usin’ marked cards and suggested strongly that he sell us his club. I wasn’t sure how the Prez would react to my cuttin’ the Geek in on this new project, but he was the only one I could think of who had the necessary knowledge to set up a casino and was currently unemployed.

  “I don’t know, Massha,” he said after I had explained the situation. “I mean, it sounds good ... but a casino’s a big operation. I’m not exactly rolling in investment capital right now.”

  “So start small and build. Look, Geek, the house is going ta be providin’ the space and decor rent free. All you have ta do is set up security and round up some dealers to work the tables.”

  “Did you say ‘rent free’?”

  It occurred ta me that maybe r shouldn’t have sobered him up quite so much. Now he was back ta thinkin’ like a Deveel bookie.

  “Well ... practically. The way I figure it, the house will take a piece of the action, which means you’ll only have ta pay rent if you lose money.”

  “That’s no problem,” the Geek said with a smile. “With the dealers I’m thinking of, there’s no way we’ll end up in the red.”

  Somehow, I didn’t like the sound of that.

  “I hope it goes without sayin’ that we expect you ta run a clean operation, Geek,” I warned. “I don’t think The Great Skeeve would like ta be part of settin’ up a crooked casino. Content yourself with the normal winnings the odds throw the house. Okay?”

  “Massha! You wound me! Have I ever run anything but a clean game?”

  I gave him a hard stare, and he had the decency to flush slightly.

  “Only once that I know of,” I said, “and if I recall correctly it was Skeeve who caught you at it that time. If I were you, I’d keep my nose clean ... unless you want ta wake up some morning on a scratchy lily pad.”

  The Geek sat up a little straighter and lost his smug grin.

  “Can he really do that?”

  “It was just a figure of speech, but I think you catch my meanin’. Just remember, the only times you’ve lost money on your crew is when you got suckered into bettin’ against us.”

  “That’s true,” the Deveel said with a thoughtful nod. “Speaking of Skeeve, are you sure there won’t be a problem there? The last time] saw him we weren’t on the best of terms.”

  “You worry about the casino and leave Skeeve ta me,” I smiled confidently, hopin’ I knew what I was talkin’ about. “Anyway, Skeeve’s not one ta hold a grudge. If memory serves me correctly, Aahz was all set ta tear your throat out that last meeting, and it was Skeeve who came up with the suggestion that let you off the hook with your skin intact.”

  “True enough,” the Geek nodded. “The Kid’s got class”

  “Right. Oh! Say, speakin’ a class, you might try to run down the Sen-Sen Ante Kid and offer him a permanent table of his own.”

  The Deveel cocked his head at me.

  “No problem, but do you mind my asking why?”

  “Well, the last time he was in the vicinity for that match-up with Skeeve, I got stuck baby-sitting that character assassin you fobbed off on us. That means I’m the only one on our team who didn’t get a chance ta meet him ... and, from what I hear, he’s my kinda guy. Besides, he might appreciate settlin’ down instead of hoppin’ from game to game all the time. Aren’t any of us gettin’ any younger, ya know.”

  “Ain’t that the truth,” the Geek said with a grimace. “Say, that might not be such a bad idea. Having the best Dragon Poker player at the Bazaar as a permanent player at the casino would be a pretty good draw.”

  We talked a while more, but it was all detail stuff. The Geek was on board, and the casino was startin’ ta take shape.

  * * *

  CASINOS MAY NOT be my forte, but nobody knows retail stores like yours truly. Bunny may be aces when it comes ta findin’ class outfits at decent prices, and Tananda sure knows her weapons, but when it comes ta straight-at-ya, no-holds-barred shoppin’, they both take a back seat ta Massha.

  I had noticed this place long before the assignment came up, but it stuck in my mind so I thought I’d check it out. There were big “Going Out Of Business” and “Everything Must Go” sale signs all over the window, but they had been there for over a year, so I didn’t pay em much heed.

  For a storefront shop, the place was a disaster. Their stock could only be described as “stuff”... and that’s bein’ generous. There were T-shirts and ash trays and little dolls all mixed in with medications and magazines in no particular order. The shelves were crammed with a small selection of the cheap end of everything. They didn’t have as many clothing items as a clothing store, as many hardware items as a hardware store ... I could go on, but you get the point. If you wanted selection or quality in anything, you’d have ta go somewhere else. In short, it was just the sort of place I was lookin’ for.

  “Can I help you, lady?”

  The proprietor was perched behind the counter on a stool readin’ a newspaper. He didn’t get up when he talked ta me, so I decided ta shake him up a little.

  “Well, yes. I was thinkin’ a buyin’ a lot of... stuff. Can you give me some better prices if I buy in volume?”

  That brought him out from behind the counter with a pad and pencil which had materialized out of thin air.

  “Why, sure, lady. Always ready to deal. What was it you were thinking of?”

  I took my time and looked around the place again. “Actually, I was wonderin’ if you could qu
ote me a price on everything in the store.”

  “Everything? Did you say everything?”

  “Everything ... including your sweet adorable self.”

  “I don’t understand, lady. Are you saying you want to buy my store?”

  “Not the store, just what’s in it. I’m thinkin’ this place could do better in a new location. Truthfully now, how has business been going for you lately?”

  The owner tossed his pad and pencil back onto the counter.

  “Honestly? Not so hot. My main supplier for this junk just raised his prices ... something about a new union in his factory. I either gotta raise my prices, which won’t help, since this stuff is hard enough to move as it is, or go out of business, which I’ve seriously been considering.”

  I thought it would be best not to comment on the union he’d mentioned.

  “You don’t think a new location would help?”

  “New location ... big deal! This is the Bazaar at Deva, lady. One row of shops is like any other for pedestrian traffic. On anyone of those rows you can find better stuff than I got to sell.”

  This was turnin’ out ta be even better than I had hoped.

  “Just suppose,” I said, “just suppose the new location was in a hotel, and suppose that hotel had a casino and disco. That would give you a captive clientele, since nobody wants ta leave the building and wander around to find somethin’ they can buy right where they are.”

  “A hotel and casino, eh? I dunno, though. Junk is still junk.”

  “Not if you had an exclusive to print the name of the place on every thin’ you sell. Junk with a name on it is souvenirs, and folks expect ta pay more for them. Right?”

  The proprietor was startin’ ta get excited.

  “That’s right! You got a place like this, lady? How much ya asking for rent?”

  “Minimal, with a piece of the action goin’ ta the house. How does that sound?”

  “How much floor space do you have available? If I can expand, I can get a volume discount from my supplier and still raise my prices. Say, do you have a printer lined up yet?”