by Jim Benton
Acknowledgments
1. Franny’s House
2. Ouchy Couchy
3. Let’s Get This Party Started
4. Some People Wouldn’t Know a Good Idea If It Crammed a Carrot Down Their Throats
5. Pleasing All of the People All of the Time. Simple Enough
6. Everybody Is Running for the Office
7. The Little Sew and Sew
8. Making a Strange Bedfellow
9. The Self-Made Fran
10. From the Pink House to the White One
11. ICU, ICU, and ICU2
12. I Know Where You Stand. Here’s Where I Lie.
13. The Thing That Would Be King
14. Quick, What Can Set You Free?
15. Just Not Cut Out for Politics
Dedicated to Pete Hart
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Editors: Kevin Lewis and Julia Maguire
Designer: Tom Daly
Art Directors: Laurent Linn and Lizzy Bromley
Production Editor: Katrina Groover
Managing Editor: Dorothy Gribbin
Production Manager: Chava Wolin
CHAPTER ONE
FRANNY’S HOUSE
The Stein family lived in the pretty pink house with lovely purple shutters down at the end of Daffodil Street. Everything about the house was bright and cheery. Everything, that is, except the upstairs bedroom with the tiny round window.
Behind this window was Franny’s room, which was also her laboratory—her Mad Scientist Laboratory.
Franny wasn’t your average mad scientist. Franny wasn’t planning to take over the universe, or galaxy, or even the world.
Franny thought that maybe she should want to take over the world, being a mad scientist and everything, but it seemed wrong to her somehow.
It was tempting, of course. If she were in charge, she knew she could use her genius to do all sorts of great things that people wouldn’t let her do now.
Like, if she added a pinch of kangaroo DNA to human cells, we wouldn’t need cars anymore.
And if she made everybody’s whole kitchen a microwave oven, they could just set the table, press a button, and everything would cook all at once.
Or she could go ahead with her plan to just squirt the sunscreen directly on the sun itself, so we wouldn’t have to wipe it on ourselves all the time.
And if she ever decided to take over the world, she knew nobody would be able to keep her from doing it.
She could have used her Chimpofier to turn everybody into monkeys that she could easily control with a few bananas.
Or she could have simply used her Steiny Heiny Ray to make everybody’s butts so big they couldn’t get out of their chairs to stop her.
And it would have been easy as pie to just turn everybody into a pie, which often made Franny wonder what she was thinking when she invented a machine that could turn people into pie.
She supposed it was probably something she had made for her lab assistant, Igor. She was always making things like that for him.
Igor was a great lab assistant. Of course, he wasn’t a pure Lab. He was also part poodle, part Chihuahua, part beagle, part spaniel, part shepherd, and possibly part some kind of weasly thing that probably wasn’t even a dog.
Whatever Igor was, he really liked pie, and whatever kind of mad scientist Franny was, she wasn’t the type that would take over the world. Not by force. That would be wrong.
CHAPTER TWO
OUCHY COUCHY
Franny was getting ready for school, and Igor was nowhere to be found.
Franny didn’t really need Igor’s help to get ready, but it was a good idea to keep track of what he was up to.
She peeked around the corner and saw him watching his favorite show, Miss Wizzywozzle’s Story Time.
“Igor!” she yelled. “Just what do you think you’re doing? You know I hate this show. And I think you’ll be happier if you hate it too!”
Franny grabbed the remote and pointed it at the TV.
Igor flew through the air and grabbed Franny’s arms, wrestling desperately to keep her from pointing the device at the TV.
“Let go!” she yelled, and as they grappled for control, Franny pressed a button on the remote.
A hot red beam shot from the device and blew a huge smoking hole in the couch, and right through the wall behind it. For a moment, the two of them stared silently at the smoldering sofa.
“That wasn’t the TV remote was it?” she asked quietly.
Igor shook his head.
“I shouldn’t leave things like this lying around.”
“My couch!” Mom yelled as she ran into the room. “My favorite couch! That couch went with everything. Do you know how hard it is to find a couch that goes with everything?”
She looked angrily at Franny and Igor.
“Who did this?”
Franny’s brilliant mind had already formulated a flawless explanation that would prove it was all Igor’s fault.
Igor knew he would probably get blamed for this and he just closed his eyes and prayed.
Franny’s mom stood quietly, staring at Franny. Franny began to open her mouth to pin the whole thing on Igor, but when she looked into her mom’s wide, honest eyes, she couldn’t do it. She knew what her mom wanted.
“It’s all my fault, Mom,” Franny admitted.
“Thank you for telling the truth, Franny. That’s what I wanted. You’ll still have to figure out a way to replace this couch, but since you told me the truth, I won’t punish you.”
Franny’s mom plucked the blaster from Franny’s hand.
“And let’s not leave things like this lying around, okay?”
Franny nodded.
“Now, get your stuff and go to school.”
CHAPTER THREE
LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED
Miss Shelly was Franny’s favorite teacher of all time.
Franny’s earlier teachers hadn’t really understood her, and it’s difficult to learn from somebody that runs screaming from the classroom every time you walk in.
But Miss Shelly was almost never afraid of Franny, and usually had something interesting to teach.
Franny paid close attention as Miss Shelly began writing that day’s lesson on the blackboard.
For a moment, Franny was so thrilled that she almost shouted. It looked like Miss Shelly was writing “electricity.”
Along with chemistry, nuclear power, and brain removal, electric power was one of Franny’s favorite subjects.
But as Miss Shelly finished writing, Franny could see that she had written “election,” which, when compared to electricity, sounded pretty darned boring.
“An election is when people vote for a person who will represent them, and organize them, and if necessary, lead them,” Miss Shelly explained. “We’ll be electing a president of the class.”
Franny perked up a little.
“Can this president tell everybody what to do and punish them if they disobey?” Franny asked, while she quickly sketched out a few ideas for a dungeon she could build at the school for just that purpose.
“Well, maybe not punish. But the president can help determine some of the rules in the class, and the president is a person that people usually look up to, and I suppose that the president does tell people what to do,” said Miss Shelly.
Franny smiled. Maybe this wasn’t so boring.
“So I want you all to decide who you want to be president of the class,” Miss Shelly continued. “People who want to be elected are called candidates. If you want to be a candidate for president, you’ll need to tell us all why. The class will be sharing these ideas all week long. May the best man win.”
Franny smiled to herself. It was more like may the best Fran win.
; CHAPTER FOUR
SOME PEOPLE WOULDN’T KNOW A GOOD IDEA IF IT CRAMMED A CARROT DOWN THEIR THROATS
Franny loved the idea of being president. It was kind of like taking over, but if people voted for you, they were giving you control. You weren’t really taking anything.
The next day Franny came to school with some posters illustrating the improvements she was going to make.
Her ideas were so brilliant that she was sure as soon as the kids heard them, they would elect her president on the spot.
As Franny was explaining how wonderful exploding chalk would be, she began to realize that the kids were not electing her on the spot.
They weren’t applauding. They weren’t even smiling. And that one kid who hadn’t wet his pants for a long time was squirming, as if he might do it again.
Franny was amazed that when Percy started talking about new playground equipment, three of the kids cheered. And when Alexandra talked about less homework, five of the kids applauded.
It was as if Percy and Alexandra knew exactly what to say to get the group excited.
If Franny was going to win this election, she knew that she’d have to give this class what it wanted.
This was going to take more than a few brilliant posters.
CHAPTER FIVE
PLEASING ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME. SIMPLE ENOUGH.
Franny started preparing to assemble things her classmates liked.
“The girls like kittens,” she said. “And the boys seem to enjoy soccer.”
“Everybody likes candy,” she said, and Igor ran and got two big bags of chocolate bars.
“And I think they like clowns. They like clowns, don’t they?” she asked Igor. Igor shrugged his shoulders.
Franny began tossing everything into her Atomic Combiner. (Most mad scientists have one, you know.)
“And puppies, and crayons, and balloons, and cake,” she commanded. Igor handed her one after the other.
Franny began to grin. “And now we atomically combine them, and all that’s left is to present it to the class.”
Franny pressed the button and the air was filled with the unmistakable aroma of kitten molecules fusing with clown atoms.
CHAPTER SIX
EVERYBODY IS RUNNING FOR THE OFFICE
Franny stood up in front of the class.
“As you know, I’m running for the office of president, and now I’d like to present Part Two of my campaign,” she announced.
She pulled the tarp off the big hulking clown-thing that Igor was holding on a leash.
“Elect me and this can be yours!”
It was mostly a clown, but parts of its face looked like a kitten. It had soccer balls for eyes, and cake was leaking out of its ears.
“Behold your future!” Franny yelled triumphantly, although nobody could hear her over the sound of the children’s shrieks and the wet choking hacks of the clown-thing coughing up a puppy.
Franny’s classmates ran for the office, to get the principal.
Igor led the horrible creation out of the classroom, pausing only for a moment to eat some ear-cake.
“Sorry, Miss Shelly,” Franny said. “But I combined everything they like. I don’t understand.”
“Maybe you should try to think of the class as they see themselves: as individual people, and not just as a group,” said Miss Shelly. “You have to know where each voter stands on the issues.”
Franny wiped some goo off the coughed-up puppy.
“So you’re saying I have to be the exact candidate that every single one of them wants me to be? I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Maybe not, Franny, but if you’re going to get elected, it will be because each person sees you as the best person for him or her.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
THE LITTLE SEW AND SEW
Franny walked into her lab. Igor took one look at her and brought her Snookyfangs, her stuffed bat. Franny smiled a bit. Igor always knew what she wanted even before she asked. Dogs are like that, she thought.
She sat down on her chair, but jumped right back up with a squeal when she realized she had sat on her chameleon.
“I didn’t even see him there! Amazing how he can change to look like whatever he needs to,” she said to herself. She sat back down to cuddle up to Snookyfangs and have a think.
Her parrot interrupted the quiet with a perfect imitation of Franny’s squeal.
Franny didn’t like to be mocked, but it was hard not to admire how quickly this bird could make any sort of sound it wanted.
“Quite a talent,” Franny said.
Suddenly Franny sprang to her feet, sending Snookyfangs flying.
“That’s it!” she howled, and Igor ran for cover. A howling mad scientist can be a very bad thing.
“Sensing what people want, looking any way you need to, sounding like whatever you want to. The answers are here. They’re all right here in the lab!”
Franny started activating various machines, her fantastic mad-scientist brain racing ahead to the next step, and the one after that.
“Igor! Fetch me my sewing machine!”
CHAPTER EIGHT
MAKING A STRANGE BEDFELLOW
Franny took DNA samples from Igor, the parrot, and the chameleon, and she tossed them into her new improved Atomic Combiner.
These animals had the special abilities to sense feelings, mimic, and change appearance, and Franny wanted those abilities.
Her creation would have to be convincing, so she threw in a little sample from a cobra, for its ability to hypnotize its prey, and a specimen from a spider, for its ability to lure things into its web.
She gave her creation nerves of steel, so it wouldn’t get nervous when it spoke in front of people. She added a handful of spicy peppers, to give her creation a fire in its belly.
“A fire in the belly means that it will really want to win,” she explained to Igor.
Franny added a dash of python and a scrap of a carpet.
“The python should give it a strong grasp of the issues,” she said with a grin, “and the carpet will make it an expert on where people stand.”
Franny threw a few switches, and the electricity began to crackle. She pushed a big lever, and the iron rollers turned, uncoiling a strange, floppy piece of fabric onto the floor.
It looked like a big gray bed sheet, but it was warm and soft, like skin. When Franny touched it, it wiggled and twitched.
“I think it likes to be tickled,” Franny said, and she dragged the bed sheet over to her sewing machine.
Igor held a pincushion for Franny and watched her cut and sew for hours.
With each stitch, it looked like Franny might be assembling one of her typical monsters, except that this thing had no guts, no spine, and only a very tiny brain.
Finally, it was complete.
“Igor, wait until you get a load of this,” she said.
And then Igor got a load of it.
It wasn’t really a monster. It was sort of a costume, or maybe it was more like a skin, or a hide.
Franny began slipping it on.
As she stepped into it, she seemed a bit taller right away. And her arms seemed longer.
She pulled up the hood, and stood in front of Igor, modeling her strange baggy suit.
“What do you think?” she said, her voice muffled inside the skin.
Before Igor could respond, the skin began to change shape.
Sensing that Igor found it scary and disgusting, the skin quickly took on the appearance of Miss Wizzywozzle, the host of Igor’s favorite TV show.
Igor didn’t know what to think. Part of him knew this was Franny, but part of him wanted to believe that Miss Wizzywozzle had come to the house to visit.
“It works!” Franny shouted, although the voice came out sounding just like Miss Wizzywozzle’s.
“It can sense exactly what somebody is thinking and feeling, and it becomes whatever they want it to be. It’s the perfect candidate.
“I’ve
created THE FRANDIDATE!”
CHAPTER NINE
THE SELF-MADE FRAN
Franny walked into the classroom confidently. She was wearing the Frandidate skin, and since the Frandidate was sensing only what Franny wanted it to be, it looked a lot like Franny, although maybe a little taller, and a little less mad-scientist-y.
Before class started, Franny decided to go around the room and talk to kids one by one. She started with Mary.
The Frandidate immediately sensed that Mary was a little afraid of Franny, and it transformed itself into a bunny wearing a dress. It could tell that Mary liked penguins, too, and so a penguin pattern suddenly emerged on the Frandidate’s dress.
Franny listened from inside as the Frandidate sensed other things that were important to Mary.
Franny shared some sort of strange connection with the skin, and she could tell exactly what Mary wanted to hear.
“Vote for Franny, and there will be more time devoted to dolls every day,” Franny said through the Frandidate’s mouth.