by Solet, Trina
"There is a mat and a bench in there too, just pull them out. Use what you need whenever you want," Zack told him.
"Even when you're in there working?" Mark teased him some more.
"Especially then." Zack teased back and stared at him as if to say "If you dare" But then Zack thought maybe he shouldn't have. And he definitely shouldn't think too much about Mark sweating, straining or otherwise exerting his beautiful body. And he definitely shouldn’t think of Mark exercising in the nude.
It wasn’t easy for Zack not to mentally undress Mark. He was hard to resist especially when Zack saw him using the little, hand-held vacuum to get the cat hair off the spot on the couch where PJ liked to perch. At times like those, it took all of Zack’s willpower not to blurt out, "I love you". When Mark went under the cushions and vacuumed up the crumbs. Zack was almost in tears and on his knees, ready to propose.
Later, Zack was sitting on that same spot with Al and PJ, both of them sleepy in his lap. Absently running his fingers through Al’s hair, Zack looked up and saw Mark giving him a warm look. He did that sometimes when he caught him being sweet to Al. It embarrassed Zack a little, but clearly Mark appreciated that side of him.
He made Zack feel more secure, more like they were a household at full capacity. He worried less about Al since Mark came into their lives. Though Mark usually took Al's side against him, Zack still felt like he had an ally.
It had always worried him that he was a single parent with no living parents or siblings to fall back on. Though Mark was young, there was something steady and reassuring about him. It surprised Zack, but it also made him happy. Even if it wouldn’t last, for now he had someone to lean on.
***
Zack remembered talking to Kelly about how Al would have only him. She had been sure that Zack wouldn't be a single dad for long, that he would find a guy to share his life. Jokingly, Zack had asked her, "Aren't you worried about Al having a gay dad?"
"No. That's perfect actually. That way I'll always be his one and only mom," Kelly had answered.
At that moment, it hit them both that soon Al would really only have Zack. Kelly would be gone, and Zack would have to tell her son all about her so Al would know her and remember her. The enormity of it struck him as it would again and again in those days, and for weeks, and over the years. Zack didn't know yet the beauty of what he was gaining. He only saw the loss and the responsibility, and a need and a role he could never fulfill. How could he be a parent, a father? But Kelly had faith in him. She had supported Zack ever since she was a kid, in her own way.
Kelly had laughed at him when she found out he was gay. This was when Zack was in high school, and he had a crush on Joe Wyman. Kelly had caught Zack kissing his year book picture, the one where Joe posed with his first place running trophy held over his head. She had sneaked up on him, and seeing what he was doing she had actually pointed and laughed. Zack could have strangled her. She even said she would tell everyone. Then she amended it.
"Not this Joe guy. He's a jock. He might kill you."
"Who then?" Zack challenged her.
She thought about it. It looked like she was going down a list of names and crossing them off.
"Not Mom or Dad. Or anyone at my school. Or anyone at your school. Or any of my friends," she said making her threat pretty much worthless.
"Who does that leave? Random people on the street?" Zack asked her.
"Yes."
But of course she didn't tell anyone. As little sisters go, she wasn't completely horrible. Unless Zack remembered the words "What a spaz" said in his direction many, many times. And he remembered Kelly telling him unequivocally, "You will never, ever, ever be cool." She had pronounced his sentence, and it was right on the money.
At that time, Zack couldn't imagine that in a few years he would lose her and then gain a son.
As Zack became a father so abruptly, he couldn't help worrying about some other father showing up to take Al away from him. Kelly reassured him about that.
"Al’s father is just a guy I spent one night with. He couldn't find me or Al any more than I could find him. He was just a guy who let me sleep in this old car he stole. I had a setback right then. I got kicked out of this place where I was crashing. I was still hanging on to this job that barely kept me fed, but I was on the street for the night. That’s when I met him. He was nice. He shared his burger and fries with me and a joint or two. And believe me I needed the joint, the food, and him. As nights in stolen cars go, that was a good one. He talked non stop, so watch out, this little dude might turn out to be a chatterbox." She tickled Al under the chin and he giggled.
"Are you sure Pillsbury Dough Boy isn't his father?" Zack asked seeing how he giggled and otherwise resembled him as all babies do.
"Let's check." Kelly tickled his tummy, and he giggled again.
"Open and shut case."
Chapter 8
The term was over and summer classes hadn't started yet. Mark had more time than he would once he started going to classes again and Al got out of kindergarten. Sari called him to invite him to lunch to celebrate her summer job and his new job too. Like a lot of Mark's friends, she was going to college full time the rest of the year. As Sari munched on appetizers, her usual choice instead of a meal from any menu, Mark thought about what Zack would say about the fried mozzarella sticks she was dipping in sauce. Of course Zack wouldn't agree with Mark's choice of a mountain of sweet potato fries either.
Mark had just told Sari that he liked both Zack and Al and that neither one of them was difficult so far.
"You got lucky then," she said and wiped some grease off her lip. Mark couldn't believe that she didn't weigh a million pounds. She was actually in great shape. In fact, she had a shape a lot of guys found irresistible. She was curvy but still slim, dark and sultry. Unfortunately, she only wanted guys who were too smart for their own good and didn't know what the hell to do with her. Her nerd fetish really worked against her. She went after guys who had hardly any experience, and then she was surprised that she had to train them. Of course, Zack was a little bit of a nerd. But Mark would bet anything that he would know exactly what to do. Seeing that his thoughts had strayed, Mark forced himself to focus on what Sari was saying.
"It's unbelievable that you are helping someone raise a kid." She shook her head as she said this.
"I did it before. For three years," he reminded her.
"I know. It was even more unbelievable then."
"It's a job like any other job," Mark lied.
Though she didn't call him on the lie, Sari did contradict him.
"It's nothing like any normal job."
"Well, it works for me. For now," he had to add. It was strange to become so involved with a family and then it's all over. Of course, that was the story of his life. Why should he be surprised? But Mia and her family leaving for Spain was nothing like what happened with his own family. Mia had made sure he had some place to go, and she promised to keep in touch.
"Maybe you just like being part of a family," Sari threw in.
"Don't psychoanalyze me," Mark told her. "And I'm not part of the family. I'm the hired help."
"Yeah right. Mia practically adopted you."
"Mia was great. But it's not going to be like that this time," Mark said.
"I bet it isn't," Sari said with a wiggle of her eyebrows.
Mark looked at her in surprise. He had told her nothing about Zack being attractive or his own feelings, which were now barely under control. How did she see through him like that? As he finished up his sweet potato fries, Mark worried. If he was that transparent, maybe Zack could tell how much he wanted him. The question was what would he do about it.
Zack stayed at work later than usual, taking advantage of Mark’s availability. Since Mark hadn’t started his summer classes yet, he could pick up Al from Little Rainbow. When Zack got home only an hour later than usual, he was greeted by an awful smell. He went into the kitchen to find the source.
"Oh, God, what did you burn?" Though he asked, Zack recognized the smell of burned cheese.
"Lasagna. I'm sorry. I set it to broil by mistake. I'm really sorry," Mark said though he was still busy dealing with the disaster.
"Don't worry about it. Just make that smell go away," Zack told him.
"I'll open the windows. Sorry," Mark said sounding flustered.
"I’ll open the ones in the living room so we can have a nice draft," Zack told him.
Al was running through the living room waving a magazine in the air, looked like maybe Popular Science. He was holding his nose while yelling "stinky".
"I see you're doing your part," Zack said to him.
Zack got cleaned up and changed then made his announcement to Mark and Al.
"Ok. Let's get out of here. I'll close the windows. You get Al to put on his shoes. We're eating out."
Al was cheering as Mark led him to get his shoes on. To make sure he knew he was included, Zack said to Mark, "That means you too."
"Oh, no. I..." Mark started to protest.
"You have to make sure Al eats his veggies," Zack told him.
"You said I had evenings off," Mark reminded him like he hadn’t already picked up Al and made dinner, or tried to, on his supposed evening off. Zack reminded himself to make sure to pay him extra for that. But for now, he just wanted to make him feel better.
"Then you have to come with us as a punishment for stinking up the house," Zack told him. Knowing that Mark felt bad for ruining dinner, Zack pushed harder than he would have otherwise.
"Really? Dinner out is a punishment?" Mark said. He had a wry look on his face, like he always did when Zack was spouting some kind of nonsense.
"My reasons don’t have to be convincing. I'll just sic Al on you," Zack threatened. But instead of carrying out his threat, he pleaded with Mark. "Come on. Otherwise I'll be stuck talking to this one the whole time." Zack indicated Al with a quick gesture which Al missed while tying his shoes. But he heard what he said, and he had to know who Zack was talking about.
"Who? Who's 'this one'?" Al asked.
"No one. You don't know him," Zack told him.
If Mark was honest, he had to admit that he wanted to impress Zack with his cooking. That’s why he felt so bad that his dinner was a failure. And Zack was being so nice about it. Once again Mark was reminded that though Zack might complain about the little things that went wrong, he only cared that Mark took good care of Al.
"That's what you get for trying to cook evil food," Zack claimed during the drive to the restaurant.
"Lasagna?"
"Cheese and dough topped with more cheese."
"There is also a sauce."
"That's trapped under a mountain of cheese. Cook us a nice healthy soup or something," Zack suggested.
"Soup." Al made a face.
"I can never get minestrone right. Have a crack at it," Zack requested.
Mark gave him a put upon look.
"You don't have to," Zack relented right away.
"I'll see what I can do," Mark said grudgingly. He liked the idea of cooking something that Zack would love not just approve of. But he didn't like that he wanted to please Zack so badly and in a way that had nothing to do with doing his job well.
They had dinner at a noisy, family restaurant that served good beer according to Zack. Zack made sure Al saw him give his car keys to Mark and explained why. It seemed too early for that lesson, but better too early than too late. That’s how Zack explained his reasoning when Mark teased him about it.
There were a number of families and couples in the restaurant. Mark wondered what the three of them looked like to all those other people. He could too easily see himself, Al, and Zack as a family. When he and Zack talked to each other, Al would look at them and try to follow their conversation. If they ignored him for too long, he would squirm. Zack was telling Mark about how the company where he and Mia worked got started and how he got involved. All of a sudden, Mark had a feeling that this might be like being on a first date with Zack. Good thing Al was interrupting them with questions to remind Mark that he and Zack weren’t on a date. Plus, if Zack did take him out on a date, it would be to a nicer place than this.
As he drove them back home, Mark felt a warm glow inside him. It was a nice night. When Mark commented on it as they got out of the car, Zack suggested they take a walk around the neighborhood before going inside. As they walked, Al sometimes held their hands sometimes circled around them or stopped to investigate something he saw. Zack kept telling him not to touch things and to keep his voice down as they went by people’s houses. They passed a few people walking their dogs. Of course this was Al’s cue to ask to have a dog of his own. Zack tried to tell him that a dog would eat PJ. Mark looked at him with disbelief. The strategy didn’t work. Al didn’t believe it. Zack grit his teeth so he wouldn’t curse, and Mark laughed at him. Mark wondered if they could make the walk part of their routine, but he didn’t dare mention it. He liked spending time with Zack and Al so much. It told him that he was getting pulled in too fast.
After a prolonged struggle, Al had gone to sleep a few hours before. The house was quiet. Mark was looking at photos that were hanging on the wall in the hallway, and Zack was looking at him. Everything told him that there was going to be trouble, from the way Zack couldn’t stop staring at Mark to the way Mark looked back at him when he turned, and especially the way they smiled at each other stupidly and for no reason. To put an end to it, Zack went closer and told Mark about the last picture he had been looking at.
"That’s Kelly and me when our parents got married. She’s only a little older than Al in that picture," Zack told him. In the picture, Zack was wearing a suit, and Kelly was in a frilly, yellow dress.
"The resemblance is so clear," Mark said.
Zack saw it even more. The resemblance went beyond their looks. Al had Kelly's serious, dark eyes and her intensity and directness. And he didn’t smile as much as Zack would have liked. He got that from her too.
"What you see around the house are almost all the pictures I have of Kelly," Zack said. He had never counted them. He didn’t have the heart to. There were even fewer pictures of her with Al, only a handful. Most of the pictures of her were from when she was a kid. They were the ones Zack had kept after his father died. The ones of Al and Kelly were given to him by Kelly herself.
Zack remembered how she had gathered up all the pictures she had in one small, manila envelope. As she handed them to him, Kelly hesitated.
"What good is a dead mom?" she asked.
Zack took the pictures from her hand.
"You're not a dead mom. You're the one and only mom," he told her.
As he looked at the pictures, she said, "I wish I had better pictures to give you."
"I'll look for others so he can see what a cute and obnoxious little kid you were," Zack promised her. He had some of them but not enough.
"Find the one of me in the cat costume," she told him.
Zack remembered that picture. She had cat ears and a tail and painted on whiskers and nose. She looked adorable. That wasn't one of the pictures he had though.
"I will."
Zack had promised her then, but later he didn't dare follow through. Now he told Mark about it.
"I know Kelly’s mom had a lot of pictures. I don't know what happened to them. Maybe some of her relatives have them now. But I couldn't risk getting in touch with them. I don't really think any court would take Al away from me. But even now, I can't help being afraid. I just couldn't risk it over some pictures. And Kelly wouldn't want me to. She wanted to guarantee Al's safety more than anything," Zack explained.
"Then you don't have anything to feel guilty about," Mark said bluntly.
Zack looked at him. He thought about why the pictures of Kelly were so important to him.
"I want to bring her back for Al. I want to keep her alive," he said.
Mark didn't say anything. There was nothing he could say to so
mething like that. Mark just grabbed both his hands, squeezed them quickly and let go.
"When she ran away, I know I didn't try hard enough to find her." Zack hung his head. He didn’t want to look at Kelly as a little kid right there on the wall next to him. She looked cute, but she wasn’t smiling. Zack was holding her hand. In her other hand she had a small bouquet of white flowers.
"What more were you supposed to do?" Mark asked.
"I could have quit school and gone to look for her," Zack said. He had thought about it and never done it.
"Did you even know where to start looking?" Mark wanted to know.
"No," Zack had to admit.
"What are the chances that you could have found her when you didn't even know where to start looking for her?"
"Would you stop being rational." Zack looked at Mark as he said this. He didn’t know what he wanted from him, but he kept talking to him anyway. "When she called me, I didn't push hard enough for her to tell me where she was or to accept my help."
"Would that work on her?" Mark asked, being rational again.
"Probably not. She was stubborn."
"I think you feel guilty because you have Al, and you don't think you deserve him," Mark said.
"I don't deserve him," Zack agreed.
"If you hated being a father, you wouldn't have this problem. Wait till he's a teenager, then you won't feel like you cheated and got a prize for it," Mark predicted.
For a minute, Zack only stared at him.
"Why did you have to say that? I'm in denial about this whole Al becoming a teenager thing." Zack shook his head. "Now you have no one to blame but yourself. I am never letting you leave. I am not dealing with a teenage Al without backup. You are staying with us forever. I will hear no objections or arguments."
Mark gave Zack one of those looks he reserved just for him.
"Sure thing, boss," he said.
"Cut it out."
"Yes, sir."
Now they were staring at each other again and smiling, standing close in a dimly lit hallway. It was quiet and close to their bedrooms. Zack felt like his whole body pulsed, ready to climb into bed with Mark. As if he knew how close Zack was to giving into his feelings, Mark cleared his throat, said he was going to get some water, and walked away. Zack stood there for a minute not sure if he wanted to blame him or be grateful to him.