by Laura Morgan
To top it all off I then went outside to get some fresh air and X was standing in the shadows. I didn’t even see him at first. I was so angry and hurt I stomped around and mumbled curses under my breath about my darling fiancé. When he stepped out from behind one of Dad’s cars, I froze and he just gave me that sickening grin. I knew what he was after without him even needing to say a word. When he pulled me over behind the club’s trucks I didn’t bother to beg or scream. I didn’t even try to fight back. I was too broken already and yet he still insisted in knocking me around a little before having his way with me.
When it was over, I cried so hard I puked up. It took forever for me to get myself together enough to go back inside and I didn’t say a word to anyone as I walked back into the house and up to my room. Everyone saw my reddening face but didn’t say a word to comfort me. It was as though I didn’t exist thanks to the faces that all turned away so that they didn’t have to get involved in mine and Tobin’s domestic. Just another old lady who’d needed teaching a lesson.
X watched me from the pool table, grinning when I lifted my eyes to his and he even winked. I want to kill him. One of these days I’m gonna take a knife to bed and shove it in his back while he folds up his clothes in their neat little fucking pile.
***
He’d done it again, the bastard. He’d taken Dita simply because he could and she was so broken by his previous violations that she couldn’t even bring herself to fight back. I wanted to kill him. Whoever he was. I wanted him dead and in pieces. I had to find out who he was, no matter what it took. I would avenge her. I would make him pay for what he’d done.
***
Sunday 11th September 2016,
I went to see L today and told him everything. We’re going to run away together, just the two of us, and I’m never going to look back. He’s getting some money together and a place for us to stay and then we are going to just disappear one night. I can’t wait to be free from all of this and will keep my head down and my mouth shut between now and when L gives me the go-ahead. He’s been so understanding and amazing. I’m beyond lucky to have someone in my life that believes me and loves me so much. I’m leaving this house. These awful people and their terrible ways. Or else I’ll die trying.
***
That last sentence ran through my head over and over again. Doubts were aching in my gut about her death, and I simply couldn’t force them away. I’d had no reason to doubt the cause of her death before, but now I was consumed by questions regarding the ‘hit and run’ that’d killed her. That’d torn her body to shreds so badly that she couldn’t be identified visually, only by her DNA. Could our dad really have found out about Dita’s plans and killed her? Was he capable of having his own daughter murdered and then staged an accident to explain it away? As far as I could tell, she and Tobin were well and truly done, and it scared me to know that he was capable of hitting her like he reportedly had. Would he have been angry enough to kill her if she tried to leave? I had to read on, I had to know for sure.
The next few entries were details of her plans to leave and how she was continuing playing the doting daughter and fiancée while waiting for her saviour to give her the call that indicated he was ready. The final document, written the morning of her death, gave me nothing but more questions. Ones that I knew now would never be truly answered.
***
Friday 14th October 2016,
It’s my birthday and I’m leaving today. L has everything ready and I’m going to sneak out while Dad and the guys are in church. I’m leaving my room exactly as it always is. I’m taking nothing with me except the clothes on my back and the contents of my handbag. I can’t risk anyone knowing that I’m gone until it’s already too late. If someone has found my laptop and is somehow reading this then you must understand my reasons why. Please keep my secrets, or use the truths you have read here to save yourself from the same fate as me.
Dahlia, if it is you then I’m truly sorry you had to find out this way. I want you to know that I love you and never wanted you to know these things. But please, run away. Run away as soon as you can and do not let Dad push you around or force you into a relationship with any of the guys. Don’t let him manipulate you like he did me. Be the strong and true woman I know you are beneath that quiet exterior.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better big sister, goodbye.
***
I couldn’t breathe. Sucking in breaths at a rate that was making my head spin, I read and re-read those last few sentences over and over again. I didn’t know how to feel or how to process her words. Dita had run off to be with the man she loved, and then she had died. It couldn’t be a coincidence, surely?
The motion detection cameras then suddenly flickered to life on the PC screen in front of me as I continued to sit and stare at Dita’s final words. I was meant to read her diary entries. It was as if she’d wanted me to know the truth about what she’d been through. But, how could she have known I would be the one to take her computer? Maybe she hadn’t, but perhaps in some way she had always hoped that she could tell me the truth yet didn’t know how. I wouldn’t have listened back then though, so blinded by my love for our father that I was in too deep to be able to see the facts with a clear head. But now, I saw it plainly. I saw the truth behind the lies I’d been fed my entire life and didn’t quite know how to make sense of it all. The million thoughts running through my head made me nauseous for the hundredth time since starting reading her diary.
I had no time to process any more of my emotions because as my eyes moved up towards the cameras, I saw that my dad and his men had just pulled up outside Dahlia’s and were walking inside. I quickly stashed the laptop in my bag and grabbed some paperwork I had set to one side in case anyone had come looking for me when I was hiding out with Dita’s diaries. After looking at the clock and realising that it was four-am, I face-planted the desk and pretended to have fallen asleep over them.
“Dahlia. Dahl,” Tobin’s voice whispered after he had unlocked the door and come inside to track me down. “She’s fast asleep at the desk. Must’ve been up late working on stuff,” I heard him say to someone and then I felt him lift me up off of the chair and into his arms.
“Tobin?” I groaned, blinking groggily and staring up at him. I was welcomed by a bright smile that made my heart both sing and break at the same time. Could I trust him? Could I trust any of them? I needed time to figure things out and knew that in the meantime I would have to act as normal as possible. Just like Dita, I’d play my part while processing my inner turmoil. I would utilize my quiet nature, using it to my advantage so no one would question my motives or reasoning for looking into the club’s affairs. For snooping at my father’s doings. No one could suspect that anything was awry and so I smiled back up at Tobin and buried my face in his shoulder, taking a deep sigh and enjoying the mixture of leather and petrol fumes coming from him.
Tobin carried me to our room and I watched him undress before heading into the bathroom. I couldn’t help myself from doing the same as Dita had when he’d returned from his run, and followed him in, stretching and yawning loudly for effect. I needed to test him. To re-enact the scene she had described so I’d know if he’d cheated on me like he had her. He didn’t jump or try to hide away from me, in fact he grabbed me close and kissed me so hard that I could taste the cigarette he must’ve smoked on his way into the house.
When he pulled off my jeans and bent me over the bath I went with it, sensing just how much he had missed me, and so I let all my fears and doubts about him melt away. He hadn’t ever hurt me and, judging by how rampant he was to both give and take pleasure from my body, he hadn’t strayed during his days away. I had to hope that he still was one of the good guys in all of this. I had to believe that I could trust Tobin and so I gave him everything I had to give. He had me willingly and in spite of my fears, and it felt good to let go of some of the tightness that’d been churning in my gut over the past few days.
When we
were exhausted, we showered together and then climbed into bed. As he held me tight he kissed me softly, stroking his hands up and down my face, back, and thighs. I fell asleep in his embrace and no matter my doubts about the club lingering over me, I felt good for the first time in days.
***
The next morning, Tobin and I were up and ready early, having decided that it would be a nice surprise to make a big breakfast to welcome back the guys who had come home in the middle of the night alongside him and my dad. He mixed up a huge tub of pancake batter while I chopped fruit, ladled syrup and chocolate sauce into bowls, and started the first of no doubt numerous pots of coffee. We chatted, laughed and worked together so effortlessly that I smiled genuinely in his company. I adored how good it felt. How natural it was to be happy with him. Part of me wanted to block out every treacherous thought that had consumed me for the better part of that week. To overlook all of it. I tried my best to push aside the thoughts tormenting me. To ignore the memories Dita had shown me via her story.
The world around me had gone on turning while I had shut it all out and had been completely consumed by Dita’s awful stories. There was a part of me that wanted to take it all back. To throw away her laptop and dismiss everything she had written as lies. While I knew that eventually I would have to deal with them, the part of me that wilted under pressure kicked in and I pushed it all aside. I was hoping to crawl back into my happy bubble and I guess it was working, because I was growing icier by the second. Shutting off and reverting back to my selfish ways. I was pulling out of my sadness and losing the desire for the truths I knew would hurt me to find. I was taking the easy route, but wasn’t strong enough to force myself back from that ledge.
I was weak, and knew that if I blew, I would ruin everything. So, I bottled it up and stored it so tightly within me that my chest ached, but I would endure it. I would keep my head held high and I would keep on going. Keep living, for her.
With the pancakes made and stacked high upon the table, Tobin pressed me against the kitchen counter and captured my mouth with his. Hands roamed and groans ensued, and it wasn’t long before he had gripped one of my thighs and pulled it upwards, evidently needing to have me wrapped around him. I let myself give in to his desire for me, relishing in his need. Yes, I was weak, I knew that already. I couldn’t give up on the idea that he and I were meant to be. I couldn’t forget how he had made me feel or the life he had promised me we could have together. There had to be a beacon of hope on the otherwise bleak horizon.
“Ha-hum,” came a voice from over Tobin’s shoulder and I knew without even looking that it was my dad. I blushed and retreated into myself even more, while Tobin grinned and turned around to greet him, unashamedly tucking his hard-on into his waistband before he went over to join him at the table.
I, on the other hand, was struggling to maintain my cool. I couldn’t look at him, so quickly poured my father a cup of coffee and walked over with my eyes on the floor. I then placed the mug down in front of him without a word.
In all honesty, I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. Seeing him again for the first time since reading Dita’s diaries made me feel strange. Distant from him in ways I couldn’t deny, but that terrified me. My head was swimming with questions I couldn’t ask and anger I had to try my hardest to force away. And so, I forced my gaze to meet his. To act like everything was normal.
My father slammed his hand down on the bench next to Tobin, making me jump, but then he laughed it off and nodded to the spot where his hand still laid, indicating for me to sit. Tobin shuffled along, his face sour, and I took a seat, albeit begrudgingly.
“Everything okay, Dad?” I asked, watching as he sipped his coffee and eyeballed Tobin with a thoughtful frown. I immediately panicked. Had he caught on to my uncharacteristically extra distant ways? Could he sense that something was up but that I wasn’t ready to talk about it? If he did, it seemed to me that he thought Tobin was what’d caused my upset and I couldn’t have that.
My father had to know things were perfect between us. I still couldn’t believe how much I wanted to live up to the role he’d forced me into, but I did. I couldn’t fight it and knew then how we wanted the same things—for Tobin and I to become something infallible and real. Something no one else could break apart or come between. A union that would never fall to pieces the way his and Dita’s relationship had, but I also wanted him to realise that I wouldn’t need punishing like she had should things break apart. I was the timid one, the shy one. I was doing as I was told and would continue doing so for as long as I had to. If I could learn to trust his word again, knowing we had my father’s approval meant the world to me, even after everything I’d learned.
“You two are getting along well. I think it’s time for you to take the next step,” he replied, fiddling with the corner of the table absentmindedly, picking at the uneven shards of wood at the edge of it. I waited for him to explain what he’d meant, hoping that surely he was not insinuating we get married or anything yet, but he kept me guessing for a few more seconds before finally finishing his train of thought. “I think you should go shopping for engagement rings.”
“What!” I cried in surprise.
“You heard me. It’s time you two made things more official,” my father said, watching me intently this time. I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. After just a few weeks of being left to do our own thing it seemed I’d become complacent. I’d forgotten that my father was still calling the shots and wasn’t against pushing us both around to get his way. Tobin hadn’t popped the question, nor had we felt the need to move things along faster, but it appeared my dad wanted more for us. More from us.
I didn’t say another word as Tobin slid closer into the gap beside me, boxing me in. He didn’t seem surprised at all by my dad’s demand and I knew then how this intervention had to have been planned by the pair of them.
Tobin then turned to face me on the long bench while my father leaned over and took my hand in his. I thought he was going to hold it, but no. He pressed down on the inside of my wrist, seemingly checking my pulse, and I watched him with a frown. Before I could ask what he was playing at, Tobin spoke up.
“You’re acting strange. What’s going on with you?” he asked, taking my chin in his hand and turning me to look at him. Dad dropped his head and focussed on my wrist and I knew without asking that he was reading me via my unspoken reactions. Garret Proctor was a man who knew many things and had various tricks up his sleeve when it came to reading people. No one had ever lied to him and gotten away with it, I’d grown up knowing that from day one.
I knew from Dita’s diaries that she had given too much away by shouting her mouth off and not containing her verbal diarrhoea, but my problem was the exact opposite. I internalised everything so he was getting a read on me in the only way he could—via my inner voice that was always unheard yet raging within—and I freaked out. I wanted to pull away, or to accuse them both of being unreasonable, but knew that would look worse.
I also had to wonder if perhaps they had been keeping a closer eye on me than I’d realised. Maybe watching me via a camera I hadn’t known was there while I sat staring at Dita’s laptop for hours on end and hiding it from everyone.
I should’ve been more careful. They had to have questions about how long I’d spent in the office rather than out in the house with the others. I should have taken my time with it and not bombarded my mind with her stories, but I had never in a million years thought that I would find something so awful as those diary entries on there. I tried to stay calm, to regulate my breathing and responses, which was when Tobin noted the change and tried his hardest to rile me.
Even he knew me too well. He could tell I was hiding something and I guessed he was under orders to make me talk whenever my father gave him the nod. I began to panic, shaking my head profusely.
“I’m not acting strange. You two are though,” I tried, doing my best to sound nonchalant, but he was having none of it.
; “You have the far-off look of someone hiding in their own skin, Dahlia. We don’t keep secrets in this club, and you know it,” my father answered, and I was suddenly terrified.
“Kiss me,” Tobin muttered before I could respond, turning my body towards him slightly, and I obliged. I cleared my head and let myself think only of him. Of our prearranged future and plans for the new clubhouse and for ourselves. I didn’t let myself believe in Dita’s tales of him hitting her and my father allowing her rape and forced submission to the club’s rule. I couldn’t let it get to me otherwise I knew I could potentially find myself exactly where she was. I shut all of it out as I kissed Tobin, trying my best to prove to him how I didn’t have any fear or hatred towards him, my father or the club, figuring if he believed me, so too would my father.
Tobin reached his hand down to my breast, cupping it while he kept my mouth on his and I felt the heat spark within me, along with a speed-up of my heartbeat, but that was surely to be expected? When his hand then trailed down between my legs and he slid it over the apex of my jeans, pressing into my core with his fingertips, I gasped against his mouth in shock.
“Why are you doing this?” I groaned, arching into his hand uncontrollably, even with my father sat silently beside us. My eyes darted over to him, finding his head still down and his breathing slow and steady. He was completely focussed on my heart rate rather than what was happening in the room, so Tobin took things one step further and began kissing my neck.