by Bill Bernico
“What else can I do?” Shelley said. “I don’t want anything to happen to Artie.”
“Where and when are you supposed to make the exchange?” I said.
“Noon today in Griffith Park,” Shelley said. “They told me to come alone and to bring the cocaine.”
“Well, that’s out of the question,” I said. “You can’t go there along. We’re coming along with you. That’s a big park. Where specifically in the park were they going to meet you?”
“The observatory parking lot,” Shelley said. “Right in the middle. They’ll be in a red Chevy cargo van.”
“Clever,” Bud said. “They can see quite a distance in all directions from there.”
“Look,” I said to Shelley, “It’s only eleven. We’ve still got an hour to come up with a plan and I think I may know a way we can pull this off. How much cocaine is Artie supposed to have?”
“Three keys,” she said.
“Perfect,” I said. “Let’s get moving.”
“Where?” Bud said.
“Trust me on this one,” I said. “I’ll fill you both in on the plan in just a few minutes. Let’s just get out of here for now.” I drove a few blocks, pulled into the parking lot of a supermarket and killed the engine. “Just wait right here. I’ll be back in a flash.
I hurried inside the market and quickly found the confectioner’s aisle. There on the bottom shelf was exactly what I needed—a five pound bag of powdered sugar. I found a box with a roll of white plastic bags inside and grabbed that as well. In the household items section of the store I found a roll of duct tape. I took the three items to the checkout and carried my purchases back to the van. Once inside the van again I laid the plan out for Bud and Shelley.
“Don’t ask questions yet,” I said. “Just start filling three of these plastic bags with the powdered sugar and tape them up with this.” I pulled the roll of duct tape from my grocery bag.
“You don’t think they’re going to test it before they make the switch?” Bud said.
“I’m sure they will,” I said. “This is just to buy us a little time, you know. A little diversion is all we need to get the upper hand here. While their hands are busy looking over the goods, we can pull our pieces and turn the tables on them.”
“This will never work,” Bud said. “I’ve been in on a few stings and that’s not how they go down. One of them will probably keep us covered while the other one tests the stash. You won’t have a chance to get the drop on them. You might even get us killed.”
“Then it looks like we’ll have to go to plan B,” I said.
“What’s plan B?” Shelley said.
“That’s where either Bud or I deliver the stuff alone,” I said, “while the other comes up from behind.”
“You’d better dump plan A,” Bud said. “We’ll have a better chance if we split up and they don’t know there are two of us.” He turned to Shelley. “Where are you going to be while this is happening?”
Shelley smiled a sheepish grin. “Actually,” she said, “they’ll be expecting me to deliver the goods. They may expect me to bring my own protection, but I have to hand them the cocaine personally if I want to get Artie back in one piece.”
“Oh, great,” I said. “That’s just one more fly in this ointment. You know, there’s a chance they may just decide to kill us all, Artie included, and take the stuff from us.”
“What choice do we have?” Shelley said.
We were all silent for a few seconds before Bud spoke. “Chances are they don’t want trouble any more than we do. I say we go for it.”
We had three key-sized bags filled and taped in a couple of minutes. I set the three bags inside the grocery bag, rolled the top over and licked my fingers. “Well, then,” I said, “let’s go.”
I drove north toward Griffith Park. It was just a few minutes before noon when I pulled into the parking lot. In the center of the lot I saw a red cargo van that could have been a Chevy. I couldn’t tell from where I was. There were no other cars near it. I pulled into the space right next to their van and killed the engine. Shelley got out of the side door, holding onto the grocery bag as carefully as if it held real cocaine. Bud slid out of his seat and followed her to the back of the Chevy van. I slid out my side and drew my .38, keeping it trained on the front of the van. There was no one sitting in either front seat.
Shelley banged on the back doors and they opened slowly. Bud had his own .38 trained on the van and when the back doors opened all the way, Shelley could see her boyfriend, Artie, sitting behind the driver’s seat, his hands and ankles bound with tape. Behind the passenger seat sat another man, perhaps twenty, with his gun trained on Artie. He looked out at Shelley and barked, “You bring the stuff?”
Shelley held the bag up for him to see. “You better not have hurt Artie,” she said.
“I wouldn’t worry about Artie,” the gunman said. “I’d worry about the guy behind your friend with the gun there.”
A second gunman pressed the muzzle of his gun against Bud’s neck. “Lay your piece down in the van,” he told Bud, “and do it slow and careful.”
I tiptoed around to the back of the van and snuck up behind the second gunman. “Now you do the same,” I said, and cocked my gun.
“Well done, sir,” the gunman inside the van said. “But you seem to have forgotten about my gun.” He pointed it in Shelley’s face. “Now you lay your gun down in the van.”
I hesitated and then laid my .38 on the carpeted floor of the van.
“That’s much better,” the man inside the van said. “Now climb inside here and sit down.”
There were six of us inside the back of the van now and it was feeling a bit crowded.
“Grab his gun, Jake,” he said.
Jake picked his piece up again and then stuck my .38 in his waistband. He tossed Bud’s gun to the first man. “Here you go, Ace. Put that away.”
Ace threw it on the front seat and trained his automatic on Artie again. Jake looked at Ace. “Keep ‘em covered while I check the goods.”
Ace kept his gun trained on us while Jake pulled one of the wrapped bags from the grocery bag. He reached into his pocket and produced a folding knife. He opened the knife, stuck the tip into the plastic and pulled out a small amount of white powder. Jake stuck his pinky finger into the powder and then touched it to his lips.
“What is this?” he said. “Some kind of joke?” Jake threw the sliced bag on the floor and picked up his automatic again. He aimed it at Shelley’s face and pulled the trigger before I could voice my objections.
The stream of water splashed Shelley in the face and it ran down her cheeks and onto her lap. She broke out in laughter and then looked at Ace, who promptly stuck his automatic in my face and did the same. His gun filled my face with water as well. Then he turned his gun toward himself and aimed at his mouth. He squeezed the trigger again and drank what came out.
Bud and I looked at each other with disbelief and then turned to Shelley. “What the hell is going on here?” I said.
Jake smiled and pointed to two small cameras mounted to the ceiling of the van. “You, sir are going to be an Internet star before the day is out.
“You mean this whole thing was a gag from the start?” Bud said. “Didn’t you realize that it could have just as easily gone the other way and we might have killed you?”
“But you didn’t,” Ace said and then turned to Shelley. “Good job, babe.”
“You were in on this, too?” I said to Shelley. “Why?”
She gestured with her hand toward Ace. “U.C.L.A. Film School,” she said. “This is the project that’s going to get us our A’s in class. Let me introduce the rest of the cast. Playing the part of the mad killer, Ace, is none other than Randy Sikes.”
Randy took a shallow bow and spread his hands. “What can I say,” he said.
Shelley gestured toward Jake. “And in the roll of Jake, may I introduce Larry Jensen.”
Larry smiled, closed his eyes and dr
opped his chin to his chest. He looked at Shelley. “And starring as Shelley, the damsel in distress, is the incomparable Dorothy Gains.”
Shelley wiped the water from her face and looked at me. “Sorry, Mr. Cooper,” she said. “But I’ll gladly pay your usual rates. You were both fantastic in your roles.”
I pointed to Artie. “What about poor Artie there?” I said. “Is he really Artie?”
Jake stuck his knife blade under the tape and cut him free of his restraints. Artie rubbed his wrists and then stretched his legs. “Oh, my name’s really Art,” he said. “And all three of these film students will most certainly get an A for their project.”
“How do you know that?” Bud said.
“Because I’m their film school teacher,” he said. “I thought it was pretty clever of these kids rigged those cameras inside the van. If you’ll look outside on the light posts, you’ll see several other cameras that caught the outside action. They’re so small you’d never even notice them.”
“I know about tiny cameras,” I said, recollecting the times I’d had to use mine for surveillance.
“Now wait just a damned minute here,” Bud said.
Art looked at Bud and said, “You must be the retired cop. And I’ll bet you’re trying to figure out if these kids broke any laws. Think hard. No one was really kidnapped. None of them carried a real weapon, no real cocaine exchanged hands and no one was hurt. So, what laws have been broken in their quest for a passing grade?”
Bud looked at Ace/Randy. “Give me my gun back,” he said, no trace of humor in his voice.
Ace/Randy reached into his waistband and pulled Bud’s .38 out, handing it over butt first. He stretched his body out to reach onto the front seat and retrieved my gun as well. He handed it back to me. “Sorry,” he said.
Shelley reached into her purse and withdrew two one hundred dollar bills and handed them to me. “Thank you, Mr. Cooper,” she said. “It was worth every cent just to see the looks on both your faces.”
I turned to Bud. “Let’s get out of here,” I said. “I’ve had enough fun for one day.”
Before we left the van, Shelley said, “Mr. Burke.”
Bud turned just as Shelley pulled the little handgun from her purse and pointed it his face. “Couldn’t let you leave without letting you have the same fun Mr. Cooper had.” He squeezed the trigger and splashed Bud’s face with water.
Bud made an attempt to lunge at Shelley but I pulled him back. “Let it go, Bud,” I said. We both walked back to my van and go back inside. I opened the glove box and pulled several tissues from a box inside and handed them to Bud. “Wipe your face, Mr. Burke.” I drove out of the lot and back to the office.
It was almost a silent ride back into Hollywood. I could tell Bud was stewing and didn’t press him. He must have calmed down by the time we got back into the office because his face had softened considerably. “Stupid kids,” he mumbled. “What if either of us had shot one of them?”
“I know,” I said. “It was a dumb thing to do, but in the end it was an easy day’s pay. It’s all part of the P.I. game. Hey, look at the bright side; you still have your lawn vandal case to look forward to this Saturday.”
“That’s supposed to cheer me up?” Bud said.
“You never know,” I told him. “You could get lucky and catch the kid on the bike in the act.”
Elliott,” Bud said. “Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice coming out of retirement for this.”
“Oh, come on, Bud,” I said. “This was an unusual day. They’re not all like this.” Then I remembered Eric and snapped my fingers. “I almost forgot to check with Eric about coming out to the house. I’d better call him right now before I forget.”
“You do that,” Bud said. “I’m going down to the corner to get something for this queasy stomach. He left the office and I took a seat behind my desk. By the time Bud returned I’d set a date and time for Eric and Leslie to stop by the house and see Olivia.
Bud walked back into the office carrying a bottle of pink liquid. His lips had a pinkish hue to them and there was some pink residue in the corners of his mouth.
“Feel better?” I said.
Bud patted his stomach. “A little,” he said.
“Well,” I said. “You’ll be happy to know that Eric and Leslie can make it over to my house tonight at six-thirty. Are you and Emily coming?”
Bud nodded. “Wouldn’t miss it,” he said. “In the meanwhile, what are we supposed to do with the rest of this screwed-up day?”
“Just take it easy,” I said. “It’s not like we can make cold calls to dig up clients. We’re not used car salesmen.”
“Great,” Bud said and stretched out on the leather sofa against the wall. “You be sure and let me know if anyone storms in here with squirt guns, looking to hold the place up.” He sat up again. “And that reminds me, did you save the receipt for the powdered sugar, baggies and tape? You didn’t collect the cost of that from Shelley.”
“Forget it,” I said. “I still have ninety-seven of the baggies left as well as 95% of the duct tape. The sugar they can have. I never use it. Besides, we just collected two hundred dollars for a couple hours work. Beats minimum wage.”
Bud lay back down again and kicked his shoes off while I called Gloria to give her a heads-up about tonight.
Not much happened the rest of the day and we both called it a day early, leaving the office together at quarter to five. “I guess I’ll see you and Emily at six-thirty then,” I said before we parted ways in the parking lot.
The doorbell rang at six-thirty on the dot. I opened the door to Bud and Emily Burke. “Come on in,” I said. “Let me take your coats.” We all walked into the living room where Gloria was busy making last minute adjustments to the pillows on the sofa. She turned when we entered the room.
“Gloria,” I said, laying a hand on Emily’s shoulder. “This is Emily Burke, Bud’s wife.”
“Welcome to our home,” Gloria said. “I’m so glad to meet you.”
I turned one palm upward and presented Bud like he was a prize on a game show. “Well, Gloria,” I said. “Does this measure up to your mental picture? Say hello to Bud.”
Gloria blushed a little and smiled, holding out a hand to Bud. “Don’t mind him,” Gloria said. “I just told him that I’d only heard your voice up until now and was trying to imagine what you looked like.”
“Did I pass muster?” Bud said.
Gloria stepped back and looked Bud up and down. “I was expecting Ernest Borgnine and look who shows up—James Caan.”
“Is that the Godfather James Caan or the Misery James Caan?” Bud said.
“Godfather, of course,” Gloria said. “So you’re the guy sitting at my desk.”
“I swear I haven’t carved my initials in it,” Bud said, laughing. “It’s good to finally meet you, too.”
The doorbell rang again and I turned to answer it. Eric and Leslie waited on the stoop, holding hands. “Come in, come in,” I said, holding the door wide. I took their coats and led them into the living room where Gloria was talking with the Burke’s.
“Gloria,” I said. “You already know Eric, but I don’t believe you’ve met Leslie yet.”
The two women hugged each other and then Gloria stepped back to get a better look at the woman who had won Eric’s heart.
“I’ve heard so much about you, Leslie,” Gloria said. “It so nice to finally meet you.” She gestured toward Eric. “That’s quite a catch.”
“Thank you,” Eric said.
Gloria slapped his shoulder. “I was talking to Leslie,” she said.
Leslie smiles and petted Eric’s arm. “I understand you have a new addition to the family,” she told Gloria. “Can I see her?”
“Wait here,” Gloria said, “I’ll bring her and Matt out to meet you all.” She went into the bedroom and emerged holding Matt’s hand and carrying Olivia. Matt was dressed in his Sunday slacks and short-sleeved blue shirt with the button-down collar.
Olivia was wearing her frilly white dress and white shoes.
Leslie and Emily both cooed at once, their arms outstretched. “She’s adorable,” Leslie said. “Can I hold her?”
Gloria passed Olivia over to Leslie. Emily looked down at Matt and laid her hand on his head. “And you’re getting to be a big boy, aren’t you?” she said. “I think you’ve grown another foot since I last saw you.”
Matt looked down at his shoes. “No I haven’t,” he said. “See? I still have just two.”
Emily laughed and smoothed Matt’s hair back with her hand. She turned toward Leslie and held her arms out. “Let me hold her, would you?” she said.
Leslie passed Olivia over to Emily, who hugged the baby to her chest and sniffed her head. “Ooh,” she said, “she still has that new baby smell.”
Even I had to laugh at that one. I turned to Eric. “Maybe you’d like to hold her, too,” I said and then winked at Leslie.
“Gees,” Eric said, “Between you and Leslie, I swear you’re trying to domesticate me.”
“And what’s wrong with that?” Leslie said, leaning into Eric’s shoulder.
Eric remained silent and shifted awkwardly on his feet.
Gloria turned to Leslie. “So tell me, Leslie,” she said. “What is it you do for a living?”
“I’m a paralegal,” Leslie said. “I work in the offices of Crowell and Banks over on Sunset. We’re in the Traxlor Building on the top two floors.”
“Any opinions about Eric being a cop?” Gloria said.
“I’d love him if he was a street sweeper,” Leslie said. “I think I’ve finally found my soul mate.”
Gloria turned to Eric. “And you, Mr. Anderson,” she said. “Does that hold true for you as well?”
Eric wrapped his arm around Leslie’s shoulder and pulled her close. “I was beginning to wonder if there even was a lid for this kettle,” he said.
I left the group, went into the kitchen and returned a minute later with a tray full of drinks. “Let me see if I remember,” I said, stopping in front of Bud. “You like whiskey and sour.” I handed him a glass and he sipped.
“Perfect,” Mr. Cooper,” he said.