by Matt Rogers
Chapter 26: Melting A Frosty Exterior
The Journey (Lawlessness)
The camels were taking a break at a watering hole while the mercenaries listened to the Midgling’s explanation.
“… and then she gave us the amulets…”
The information was surprising because they’d never heard its kind before.
“… uh-huh, she gave us both one but Wort lost his so now I’m the only one who can understand…”
They’d done a double-take when the Midgling first stated he could talk to the camels and asked for a verification.
“What are they saying now?”
“Well, Humpy says Mr. Brutus should go on a diet.”
The mercenaries weren’t convinced they were dealing with a rational being so asked for proof.
“Um, okay, Spitty says there’s an oasis about one hour from here. Do you want to go there?”
The mercenaries discussed and came to the same conclusion; unless the Midglings were somehow previous Lawlessness desert-dwellers there was no way they could know the location of an oasis an hour away. They allowed the camels to lead and, sure enough, an hour later they arrived at a secluded section of desert hidden among rocks camouflaged the same color as the land surrounding it. They let the camels drink and were listening as one Midgling told their story.
“… and then the Elfin blew up their other house so the Piglets moved in with the Care-Bear…”
As Stu recounted their journey Wort wandered around the secluded spot. It was a slight depression, nothing much to look at and virtually unrecognizable within the surrounding landscape. It was hidden because the ground had become a little more uneven as they traveled. The flatness became a bit more elevated, insignificant sand granules became small pebbles and eventually even boulders. Everything was still tan, still uniform but the topography began to shake itself up which allowed the underground spring, the one travelling beneath the dry and barren plain to finally emerge where a fissure formed.
“Hi, Humpy, how’s the water?”
Wort asked the question because he was a polite individual. He could no longer talk with the animals without Mother Nature’s amulet but, since he gleaned animals could indeed converse, he felt it rude not to ask their opinion even if he could not understand the reply.
The camel did not stop drinking, did not lift its mouth from the clear pond it was slurping. Instead, it merely focused in on the Midgling with its right eye and blinked.
“That good, huh?”
Another blink.
Wort was a courteous being, all Midglings were, because it was necessary where they came from. Cave dwelling did not come natural to the little ones, they were ever trying to expand, always experimenting with differing ways to open up their expanse, enlarge their environs for they enjoyed the gift of open air, free space and the waft of a gentle breeze. They lived in the ground because others lived above. They weren’t happy about it but were also pragmatists; if living outside meant becoming meals to Trolls then they rather preferred living inside and remaining alive. Living inside meant confining themselves. Confinement brought with it closeness. Closeness brought a feeling of smothering. And smothering could only be countered with courtesy.
“Hi, Spitty, enjoying the water?”
Spitty was not exactly the most cordial of camels so didn’t even give the Midgling a blink.
“Okay, I’ll take that as a yes.”
Wort was wandering the area with open-eyed wonder for he loved exploration. All exploration. Even the kind which got him and his friend expelled from Middlesome. It wasn’t their fault, they were curious creatures after all.
It happened, as it always did with Midglings; when they had some free time and were ascertaining whether a particularly dark cavern was worth looking into.
“I don’t know, Wort?”
“Come on, Stu! What could possibly happen?”
Stu, as with all their kind, contained a vast and expansive imagination so he could’ve easily come up with an answer to a most illogical question but was thwarted by one quirk, one slight twist of fate, Nature had decided to instill in one of her littlest creatures; the inability to access terrifying outcomes unless in a state of shock. It was their defense mechanism. Nature knew they had no chance against any they came across so she bypassed obvious solutions and relied upon one which had served other defensively-challenged animals in her care; she gave them the ability to play dead. She tried to teach them the art but ran into a small problem.
“Okay, little ones, play dead.”
They did.
“Erk!”
“Oh! Oh the humanity!”
“Momma? Momma, is that you?”
Midglings were, unfortunately, the most dramatic beings in the realm. They couldn’t quite grasp the idea of dropping to the ground without saying a few parting words so she decided they needed a hand.
“I am removing all thoughts of fear until you encounter it.”
“Huh? What does that mean? How is that going to…?”
“Boo!”
Flop.
She couldn’t remove fear itself, the feeling was ingrained, but she could alter their ways of thinking so they only had the general idea, not the thoughts associated with it.
“They say we shouldn’t go in there.”
“Yeah, I heard there were snakes and scorpions and other scary things.”
“Uh-huh, uh-huh, but you know what?”
“What?”
“How bad could they be?”
“Good point! How bad could they be?”
So they would become curious, encounter what they inherently knew to be dangerous and faint on the spot.
“Hiss!”
Flop.
“Grrr!”
Flop.
“Roar!”
Flop.
The mechanism worked well for one simple reason; almost all creatures avoided eating already dead ones because they instinctively knew death didn’t come about randomly. If they came across a creature which was obviously deceased but showed no signs of trauma they would leave it alone for they knew something must be wrong with it. So Midglings survived by playing the role of diseased carcasses whenever they encountered a beast capable of devouring them. Oh, they knew lions and tigers would eagerly gobble them on sight but what they couldn’t do, what Mother Nature removed for their survival, was to imagine the rendering of flesh and tearing of limbs until they were actually in the presence of the predator.
“Is that a leopard?”
“Uh-huh, I believe it is.”
“I heard they’re dangerous.”
“Uh-huh, me too. But I wonder…?”
“Growl!”
Flop.
So when Wort and Stu entered the darkest cavern in their part of the caves they were only following through on what Mother Nature designed them to do.
“Wow! It’s really cold in here.”
“Uh-huh, uh-huh, kind of spooky.”
They moved further, always poking and prodding to see if they could encounter what they could not imagine. They were almost ready to turn around and go home when something caught their eye.
“Hey, is that a light?”
“I believe it is.”
So they went to investigate and what they found mystified them.
“Is she alive?”
“It looks like she is.”
She was the prettiest women they’d ever seen with black hair, red lips and snow-white skin. She was laying on a slab of stone with her eyes shut and hands clasped. She was illuminated by light shining through a crack in the cavern’s ceiling. The illumination revealed another odd thing; she was entrapped in a block of ice.
“Hello!”
“Hey! Wake up in there!”
She appeared at ease. No deformities could be seen and they got the impression she was actually alive.
“What do we do?”
The question was a good one because they were Midglings and she a fully grown Human
suspended in frozen water.
“I know! Let’s tell the Humans in town. They’ll probably know what to do” Stu exclaimed.
The town was called Detindale because it was located at the base of Mount Det. The Mountain of Det was the border between two empires; Mother Mayeye’s realm and Father Time’s.
“Good idea!”
So the two Midglings left the beautiful woman asleep on her slab and went to town. They were greeted as their kind always were.
“Get them!”
Flop.
Midglings had a rather troubling reputation because of Mother Nature’s gift. Since they couldn’t actually picture consequences to their actions they were, at times, a bit subject in their choices. Since they were curious by nature they tended to pick things up. Shiny things. Things other people viewed as belongings. Things Midglings found utterly fascinating.
“Ooh! Look at that!”
“Wow! What do you think it is?”
“I think it’s a necklace of some kind.”
“Why do you think it’s laying under this mattress?”
“I don’t know? Let’s take it home and ask the others.”
They were rather annoying creatures to the Humans who inhabited Detindale because, while they most definitely did remove belongings, they did not do so with evil intent.
“Wake up, Midglings.”
They opened their eyes and found themselves in a cage. It was built specifically for Midgling control because they were actually quite adept at escaping confinement. The man speaking to them was the local sheriff. His name was Prince. He was neither large nor small, muscular nor skinny, handsome nor ugly and was an amazingly ineffective law enforcement officer. He held the job for one reason and one reason only; he was incredibly polite.
“Oh! Hello, Mr. Prince.”
“Hi, Mr. Prince.”
He looked upon them with eyes filled of two emotions; kindness and irritation. The Midglings reputation as thieves was somewhat misleading because while what they did, the actual removal of property was without doubt, the reasoning behind the behavior left all law-abiding citizens in a quandary. What does one do with a thief who didn’t steal for personal gain? Midglings had no concept of personal property because they were born communal. Everything a Midgling owned was also the property of other Midglings. They didn’t have the ability to discern personal belongings so were actually innocent of thievery from an intent point of view.
“Hello, Stu. Hello, Wort.”
Sheriff Prince had the distinct pleasure of being the most incompetent officer because of two reasons; location and the criminal element itself. Midglings resided in the mountain which gave the town its identity. They were both a joy as neighbors and incredibly troublesome guests. They held no animosity toward any creatures which was where the troublesome aspect took on a new meaning for it was the utmost in cruelty to incarcerate a creature which had no idea it had done wrong. It was why Sheriff Prince was constantly under siege by his own citizens.
“Sheriff!”
“Yes, Mrs. Jones?”
“Those Midglings stole my earrings.”
“I’ll look right into it.”
He was a frequent visitor to Middlesome and had befriended all, Stu and Wort included, which was why he had such a difficult time performing his job.
“Sheriff!”
“Yes, Mr. Smith?”
“Some Midgling took my gold piece.”
“I’ll look right into it.”
If it weren’t for his engaging personality Sheriff Prince would’ve been fired for incompetence within his first week of employment. It wasn’t so much his inability to solve a crime as his inability to stop it in the first place.
“Okay, you two, turn your pant pockets inside out and let’s see what you’ve got.”
The routine was always the same. When a Midgling was spotted inside town-limits the citizens would shout, the little ones would faint, the Sheriff would lock them in the cage till they awoke and everyone would be shocked two tiny creatures with dispositions so fair could possibly have taken so many items.
“Isn’t that my eyepiece?”
“Hey, that’s my quill pen!”
“Is that…? Is that all my silverware?”
Midglings could’ve been the most successful burglars in the entire realm because they held two aspects which gave them a decided advantage; they couldn’t conceive the consequences of getting caught and were so small they escaped the notice of virtually everyone until after they stole their goods.
“My mirror!”
“My hammer!”
“My comb!”
In the beginning the citizens of Detindale thought of removing their problem altogether. A vote had been held on whether to relocate their tiny brethren someplace else but when the time came for the tally it never went anywhere for a very simple reason; Midglings were so adorable, so innocent of intent if not the actual crime, nobody could bring themselves to evict a creature which would last all of one minute in the hazardous lands outside the mountain. So they learned to adapt.
“Is that everything?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Are you sure?”
“Um… okay, maybe I’ve got something in my back pocket.”
The Sheriff would routinely head into the mountain and retrieve items his citizens didn’t even know were missing. Once a month he’d place everything on display and the townsfolk would gasp at the amount of materials the cute little miscreants had managed to swindle away.
“My plow? How could they steal my plow?”
The reason the townsfolk could tolerate the Midglings’ criminality was due to what they did with the stolen goods; nothing. Midglings didn’t take for personal gain, they took for curiosity’s sake. Once obtained the item no longer held their curiosity so they dumped everything in a pile and went about looking for other things to satisfy their needs. Essentially they were a storage facility. A facility where stolen belongings could be found without any need for an investigation because the creatures doing the theft had no idea it was wrong and thus never hid the goods.
“Okay, you two, I’m going to take these things from you because I believe they actually belong to Mrs. Butterfield.”
They looked at him with stunned eyes.
“Those are Mrs. Butterfields?”
“Yes, I believe these spectacles are hers. Thank you for finding them and I’ll make sure she knows it was you who did it.”
The Sheriff had given up explaining the concept of thievery to the Midglings because they really were incapable of understanding the idea. Therefore, he thanked them for their help in returning lost items and watched as they beamed with civic pride. The fact they were the cause of the lost items was never fully understood by their kind because, when it came to shiny baubles, they had the attention span of gnats. They would see something which caught their eye, place it in one of their pockets and completely forget they’d took the thing. There were times when everyone in attendance, the Midglings included, would wait with rapt wonder at what the contents of their pockets revealed.
“Okay, you two, you are free to go.”
He watched as the two he knew so well, the two who were quite possibly the most prolific burglars in a species bred with thievery in their blood, turned their pockets outside in, squared their shoulders, sucked in their bellies and bowed in his presence.
“Please stop doing that.”
He knew they wouldn’t. Midglings were so courteous they couldn’t contain the gesture. Anyone who showed them the slightness sign of kindness would immediately get inundated with bows of gratitude.
“Mr. Prince?”
“Yes, Stu?”
“We found something you might want to see.”
He listened as they explained what they’d encountered in the cave.
“There’s a woman frozen in ice?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Yep, a real pretty one too.”
He knew Midglings were incapable of lyi
ng so gathered his traveling gear and set off with the two leading the way. They entered the mountain, moved ever deeper inside, felt the chill settle into their bones and finally came across the beauty. He could’ve sworn she was sleeping. He wasn’t an expert on death but felt pretty confident the woman was alive. He took out a torch and lit the flame. He held it near the ice and watched as it began to melt. Both Stu and Wort sat by, waiting to see if the woman would rise after the block melted. She didn’t.
“Oh no! She’s not breathing!”
They again sat by as the Sheriff did something they found a little odd.
“Is he kissing her?”
“It does seem a bit early for smooching.”
They watched as their friend, the nice law enforcement officer, kept doing the strangest form of kissing they’d ever seen.
“Since when do Humans blow air into the other Humans’ mouths?”
“I don’t know? Maybe it’s a new dating ritual.”
He was, of course, reviving the woman and just when it appeared all was lost, all his blowing for naught, she suddenly gasped and took in great quantities of air.
“Yay!”
“Good job, Mr. Prince!”
She sat up with a bewildered look in her eye.
“Where am I?”
They explained she was in a cave and had been encased in a block of ice.
“I cannot believe she did this!”
They listened as she explained the situation. She been born with great beauty and entered into pageants from as far back as she could remember. She never lost. Another became jealous.
“And you think she put a sleeping spell on you?”
“I know she did! Oh, I am so mad I could rip her head off!”
As she became more animated a question was pondered.
“But why would she put you down here?”
Her answer sent a shockwave through the Midglings.
“Probably because this is where those lecherous Dwarven reside.”
It turned out beauty pageants held the interests of the midget men under the mountain. Dwarven were the hard-working, metal-smelting iron workers who made a healthy living plying their wares to the warring races aboveground. They were larger than Midglings, outweighed them by quite a lot, wore beards, carried weapons and held the unfortunate title of least desirable Human-like species on the planet. They were short and squatty without the benefit of cuteness. They were gruff of exterior, dirty from forging and rather unpleasant to the nostrils. Sadly, for the pageant contestants, they were also ignorant of their own looks. They arrived at every contest and continually made inappropriate advances on all the ladies involved.
“Dwarven?” Wort asked worriedly.
“Yes! And I’ll bet you a million gold pieces I know the exact seven who are responsible!”
She went on to explain the truth about beauty pageants; they were ripe for rigging.
“All you need to do is bribe two of the judges. It’s a subjective contest so no one can appeal their decisions.”
The wealth of the Dwarven was the problem. They were masters of the business community and hoarded their profits like the misers they were. They were known to be tightwads and shrewd negotiators. Their only shortcoming? Beauty.
“But why would they help her?”
“Because they’d get the best of both worlds. She’d rain praise on them and say things like ‘You’re so handsome’ or ‘I love the way your beard glistens in the moonlight’ while at the same time they could come down here and ogle me while I was unaware. I really can’t believe she would stoop so low. I mean, where’s the competitiveness, where’s the idea of fair play, where’s the…?”
As the beauty was imploring Sheriff Prince with unanswerable pageantry questions both Midglings were somewhat otherwise occupied.
“Stu?”
“Yes, Wort, I heard her.”
“Well, what do we do about it?”
“I’m thinking we don’t say a word and maybe nobody will find out.”
The problem they were having was the unique relationship which had developed between the beings who shared space inside and under the mountain. There were three who called it home; the Midglings, Dwarven and Elvin. All resided at differing levels and kept their distance from the others. They did it for different reasons but the results were the same; each species reigned supreme where they reigned the most. The Elvin held the upper levels, the Midglings the middle and the Dwarven the lowest most. It was the relationships between Elvin and Dwarven which caused the separation. The Elvin were the most dangerous, followed by the Dwarven and finally the Midglings. The Midglings existed for one reason; they were the buffer. The Elvin and Dwarven were both war-like races who would battle each other upon sight. The Midglings disallowed the sight because they were numerous, virtually impossible to see in the underground caverns and held a viewpoint which became troublesome if one were attempting to invade another’s area; they were insatiably curious.
“Hi there, Dwarven, where you going with that battle axe?”
“Hey, Elvin, what’s up with the dagger? Going frog hunting?”
Whenever the Dwarven or Elven arranged a raiding party they would meet resistance from a group of Midglings who had no idea what a raiding party was. They would pepper questions with such velocity and abundance the party would turn around knowing their element of surprise had been breached by beings unable to ponder surprise since the had not the imagination to do so.
“I think we’re in trouble here, Stu.”
“I know, Wort, but what can we do about it?”
The trouble was location. They were in an area of the caverns where Midgling and Dwarven interests mixed. The general rule of thumb was don’t interfere in the other’s business. If the Midglings had a pile of loot they inadvertently acquired from the top-dwellers the Dwarven would leave it alone because they looked upon thievery as beneath their kind. They were the producers of things which were valued, not pilferers of them. If they wanted a particular piece of jewelry they would make it. The Midglings left the Dwarven things alone for a different reason. It was already in their sight. They didn’t take things for the sake of doing so, they took them because they were curious what they were.
“Do you think she’d agree to get frozen again?”
Stu looked and quickly surmised the obvious.
“She doesn’t really give off the submission to freezing vibe.”
So they left the cavern with some trepidation and hoped for the best.
“Stu? Wort?”
“Yes?”
“The Midgling Council would like a word.”
They were brought forward to answer for their deeds.
“Did you unfreeze a Dwarven captive?”
“Um… no.”
The Midgling Council was made of their brightest so were ready with a follow up.
“Were you present when the Dwarven captive was unfrozen.”
“Um… describe present.”
They were found guilty of rendering aid to top-side peoples when they freed the lowest-most people’s acquisition. Since they had no comprehension of penalty they advised some vacation time.
“We believe you should visit the top-side until the Dwarven forget about the un-freezing thing.”
Since they were curious creatures they readily agreed and set out to meet the world with Midgling wonderment. The first place they visited was Detindale where they again were greeted accordingly.
“Get them!”
Flop.
They awoke not in a cage but on the couch in the Sheriff’s office. He was in polite conversation with the beauty who was previously frozen.
“Oh, good, they’re awake.”
The two sat up and were immediately thanked for what they’d done.
“Thank you for bringing Prince to my rescue.”
“Thank you for bringing Beauty into my life.”
They were happy for the two because they appeared to be in love. When they announced they w
ere getting married they became even happier. The Midglings, though, were still made of curiosity so were unable to stop one line of questioning.
“Um, Ms. Beauty?”
“Yes, Stu?”
“Well, I’m just a little curious. You see, I can understand why Mr. Prince is infatuated with you. You know, because of your prettiness and all but why are you marrying him?”
She looked at him with gorgeous eyes and responded kindly.
“Because he’s got one trait I find most appealing.”
Stu was still curious and since she didn’t really answer his question he questioned again.
“What trait?”
“He’s charming.”
He looked over at the Sheriff and was having a hard time putting the pieces to the puzzle together.
“Mr. Prince? Charming?”
She again smiled at him and he could definitely see why she was undefeated in beauty pageant contests. She then explained her reasoning.
“Yes, you see, when we beauty queen contestants have been at it a while we tend to build up a tough exterior. It’s probably because people are judging us not on things we accomplished but merely on beauty which we had nothing to do with. So anyway, after time we all become somewhat aloof toward others, so much so we are usually viewed through a tinted lens and called names behind our back. In my case I was called the Ice Queen.”
“That’s not very nice.”
“No, it’s not, and it hurt my feelings when I first heard it but after a while I actually began to resemble what they were calling me. I would yell at others and order stupid things I had no right to demand and so on. Well, to make a long story somewhat less long I realized Prince was able to do physically what no other had been able to do metaphorically.”
“Huh?”
“It means… okay, I don’t actually know what it means but I heard it somewhere and I think it sounds good in that sentence structure. Anyway, to finally end my point, the reason I fell for Prince was because he melted my frozen exterior.”
Stu accepted her explanation, he and Wort wished them all the best, they went to explore the outside world, were imprisoned by a witch with the desire for a house made of sugary products, rescued by Mother Nature, put to work performing domestic service, enlisted to save Castle Nirvana, broached a truce between a Care-Bear, Piglets and Elfins when they learned they had magic amulets which allowed them to speak with the animals, were delivered through the treetops where Wort lost his amulet, accosted by Trolls on camels, saved by mercenaries on foot and finally sat around an oases reciting everything for their heroes.
“… and that’s why I know the way to the Lazy River.”
Wort rejoined them after discovering there was nothing to discover in a place made of sand.
“Sergeant.”
“Yes, Deadaim?”
“I suggest we begin moving. The Elvin will still be following us.”
So they packed up their gear, Stu listened to camels grunt and they headed out to find the Lazy River on their journey to save Mother Nature’s realm from the forces of evil.