by Harms,C. A.
“I wouldn’t say we dated. More like she followed me around my entire senior year like a lost puppy and then showed up to some big party one of my teammates had after we all graduated.” He cleared his throat before continuing. Only this time when he spoke he sounded much clearer than before.
“Let’s just say she got drunk and went a little wild. I fucked her a couple times, but hell, I wasn’t the only one.” I cringed at the image of Lexi beneath Matt. “So date her—no, just nailed her. She’s a little whore, Kole. If I were you I wouldn’t get wrapped up in that.”
I hated hearing him talk about her like that. There was more to the story; I could almost feel it. The girl he was describing didn’t sound anything like the Lexi I knew all those years ago or the version I knew now.
“But hey, if you’re just looking for a quick lay, she’d be your girl,” he added, once again laughing.
It was time to call this shit over.
“Nah, she just came to a few parties here at the fraternity and one of the guys was asking about her. I thought I would ask you since you went to the same school.”
He laughed lightly.
“Well, tell your friend she likes it rough.” I flexed my jaw in irritation as I fought the urge to tell him to shut the fuck up.
“I gotta go, but we’ll talk again.” I knew I was lying and I’m sure he did too. I could count on one hand how many times I’d talked to him in the last two years. The only reason I had his number was because my aunt insisted he and I should be closer. So to shut her up, the last time I visited I added his number to my phone while she watched to make sure I had it right.
Something was off about the whole thing. The phone call did nothing more than heighten my pissed off, aggravated state.
Something happened to make Lexi so distant and so angry. Even though I tried to imagine it was something simple and small, I knew I was only lying to myself.
This was bigger than anything I had ever faced. This was darker.
Chapter 17
Lexi
“I don’t want anymore,” I said as I pushed away the beer held close to my face.
I was already so drunk. I knew if I drank anymore I would be sick. I could feel the rolling of my stomach and the room was already spinning.
“Come on, just one more,” a guy whispered next to my ear.
I only shook my head, before leaning against the wall next to me.
I had come to this bar hoping to distance myself from the earlier hell. I wanted to forget that my best friend had shared my secrets behind my back. I wanted to ignore the fact that Kole probably pitied me by now.
It was all just one fucked up mess I wanted to ignore for a while.
It didn’t take long.
Flanagan’s just happened to be a place where half of fraternity row frequented. I met a few friends, if that is what you wanted to call guys offering to buy you all the drinks you wanted. They thought they could get lucky.
But they had another think coming, because tonight I would be sleeping alone. Where? I had no idea yet. But one fact was for sure, I would not be waking up tomorrow regretting the night before.
I just wanted to forget for a little while.
This helped.
“Let’s get out of here.” This time the whisper was followed by the brush of lips along the side of my neck.
I shied away, only I couldn’t go far because the wall to my side was stopping me.
Using my hand, I attempted to push the guy away. His deep chuckle reminded me of Matt and the way he laughed when he knew he had over-powered me.
The room spun, my head felt hazy and suddenly I stumbled and was unable to catch myself.
I heard the sound of someone yelling and suddenly I was wrapped in a strong set of arms just before it all faded out.
Chapter 18
Kole
I was fuming, still an hour later.
I was ready to rip the fuck out of Zack Hannigan. The moment I entered the bar and found that sorry piece of shit up in Lexi’s space, my anger went through the roof.
Hadn’t he learned his lesson when Radley punched him the last time?
I was pacing my room when there was a light tap on the door. Within seconds it came open slowly and on the other side stood Rad and Megan, both with concern etching their faces.
“She’s asleep,” I told them. “She’s staying in my room.” It wasn’t up for debate and neither of them argued.
“Someone better get Zack another place to stay tonight, too, because I’m seconds away from dragging him out on the front lawn and beating his fucking ass.”
I ran my hands through my hair in frustration and Radley laughed.
“I don’t look for him to come home tonight,” Radley said. “We’ll see ya in the morning.” He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed before stepping back and leading Megan out of the room. She had already closed the distance between us and wrapped her arms around my neck in a hug.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
I knew she was thanking me for finding Lexi but her thanks weren’t necessary. I had no intention of stopping until I did.
As they exited the room and shut the door behind them, I looked over toward my bed. I could barely see the top of Lexi’s head peeking out from beneath the covers. She was curled up in a ball on her side, her back facing me.
She was out like a light and didn’t stir when I lowered myself to the bed beside her. I could faintly hear her snoring and it made me smile.
Just lying there in the darkness feeling her back pressed up against my arm was comforting. I knew she was safe. The demons within her had not gone; I wasn’t sure they would ever fade, but if she would just open up to me maybe I could help.
I let my mind wander back to my earlier phone conversation and that uneasy feeling returned.
I wasn’t a dumbass; I knew things weren’t right. I had a sick feeling in my gut. With the way Lexi had withdrawn, mixed with Matt’s attitude about the night they shared, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that things didn’t play out as he said.
I wanted the story from her. I wanted to hear from Lexi about their night together.
But the problem was convincing her that even though Matt and I were related, I was on her side. I found the desire to protect her overwhelming. She wasn’t my girl, hell, I didn’t know if she would even consider us friends, but none of that mattered.
I wanted that sweet happy Lexi from all those years ago to return. She was in there somewhere; I knew she was.
Chapter 19
Lexi
I woke up feeling like my tongue was three sizes too big. My mouth was dry and my head felt heavy.
It was all too familiar.
The warmness of a masculine body pressed to my side made me hate my life and what it had become even more. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, not anymore. I left that girl behind when I chose to come to North Carolina and start fresh.
Random hookups after a heavy night of drinking were a thing of my past.
But that past was now lying beside me reminding me that I may always be that girl.
The one who cringed at the idea of physical intimacy and could only tolerate the touch of a man when she was so drunk that it all felt hazy.
It was sick.
It was sad and it was my life.
When I slowly began to crawl out of the bed I caught a glimpse of the guy’s face and froze.
It was Kole.
Out of all the times I had gone home in a drunken stupor with someone and woke up blank, this would have been the one time I wished I’d remembered it all.
I could see myself trusting him.
And that scared the hell out of me. It terrified me, really.
The next few steps I took were entirely too familiar. Sneak out of the bed, find my clothes—only I was still wearing them. And then…wait, I still had on my pants and my bra, everything but my shoes. They were across the room near the door.
Tip-toeing across t
he room I bent to grab my shoes and was startled by Kole’s scruffy voice. “You don’t have to sneak off.”
I kept my back to him as I released the breath I had been holding.
“I wasn’t trying to sneak. I was just leaving.” He didn’t say anything, but I could hear the movement of the sheets as he untangled them from his body.
And then he was there, behind me. I could feel his presence.
“Nothing happened between us, Lexi.” He spoke in a hushed whisper. “You just slept here. I found you at the bar last night and didn’t want anything bad to happen to you. So I brought you here.”
I hated the thought of him seeing me last night. I knew I had to have looked ridiculous considering I was so obliviated that I remembered nothing.
I was embarrassed.
“You had me a little worried last night,” he confessed.
I couldn’t take the ache inside me that his words caused.
“You shouldn’t worry about me, Kole. I don’t need you to. I don’t really need anyone to.” It was better this way. I couldn’t be anyone’s anything right now.
I walked toward the door as he came up quickly behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind.
I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen but in that moment I felt safe. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt that kind of comfort. So for just a moment I allowed myself to accept it.
“It’s okay to let people in, Lexi. You can trust me.” He held me for a few seconds and I heard him breathe in deep as he buried his nose in my hair. Just holding me close, he rocked from side to side and I closed my eyes, relaxing back against him.
“Just talk to me, tell me what happened and let me help you.” I was instantly reminded of the relationship between him and the heartless bastard who made me the way I was.
I pulled away from Kole trying to get free, and he reluctantly released me.
Kole was a good guy, I could feel it. But that fact didn’t change anything. I was better off on my own. That way no one held the power to destroy me.
I had found I couldn’t even trust my best friend. And I refused to be delusional enough to believe that Kole couldn’t and wouldn’t hurt me too. Maybe not the same way his cousin did, but the possibility was there.
I stepped toward the door and reached out to twist the handle.
“Please, Lexi.” His words sounded more like a plea.
Pulling open the door, I looked back over my shoulder and gave him just a glimpse of the person I was and why.
“I made the mistake almost six months ago of trusting the wrong person. I thought he liked me, and in turn, he only used that as a way to hurt me. Matt took things from me that no matter what I say or do, I can never get them back. I won’t ever make that same mistake twice.” I turned quickly and left.
***
After a heated conversation between Megan and me that same afternoon, she distanced herself from our dorm. I was thankful she took it upon herself to stay with Radley.
I had nothing to say to her, not now.
I won’t lie and say I didn’t miss her, because I did. But I wasn’t yet ready to forgive her. I was hurt that she had so easily betrayed my trust. I never thought I would have to fear that when it came to Megan.
I began to act distanced, broody and angry. It was a performance I had perfected.
I avoided all contact with Radley, Megan, and even Kole because I needed no one. Or at least I had convinced myself I didn’t.
Whenever I was forced to be in the same room with Megan, it always turned into a fight. I would say things reflecting my anger toward her and in the end, she would just storm out and retreat back to Radley’s.
For a short time after, I allowed myself to feel bad about the distance between us, but it was always short-lived. I would remember her betrayal, and somehow in my warped and damaged mind I convinced myself my actions were okay and that she was the one who was wrong.
Of course, each wrong turn I took only brought me closer to rock bottom.
Chapter 20
I’d allowed myself to fall back into that ugly stage of depression. That “I need no one, want nothing and can do it all on my own” stage. The “no one can be trusted, everyone is out to hurt me in some way, I am better off alone” state.
I was there.
And I was fine with that. It was a place I thought I would be okay with.
But depression was funny like that.
The demon on my shoulder, the hatred in my heart, was overtaking my life. And I was powerless to stop it.
I came home after another long day of class, avoidance, and being angry at the world to find Radley, Megan and Kole sitting in my dorm room waiting for me.
I froze in the open doorway of my room as I looked around at them slowly. They remained quiet as if weighing out my mood. I chose to ignore their questioning stares until the moment I noticed some pamphlets next to Kole on the bed.
The words depression, guilt, and blame practically jumped out at me.
I reached out and picked one of them up, instantly offended by their tactic.
“What the fuck are these?” I held up the pamphlet in my hand as I looked around the room eyeing each one of them.
“I brought them,” Radley announced. “I just thought maybe…” He stopped abruptly when I tossed the booklet to the bed.
“You thought what, Radley?” I said angrily. “You thought you could just show up here with a few pamphlets on how I should heal and not blame myself, and things would just be okay?”
“No, but if you would just let us help you.” Radley stood from the bed and took a step in my direction.
I was exhausted. I was tired of being the poor girl who was stupid and trusted the wrong guy. I was so sick of those around me offering to fix me.
I couldn’t be fixed. And their efforts and pure ignorance of the matter only angered me more.
“Do you have any idea what it feels like to be held down against your will and to have someone grope your body even though you do everything within your power to fight them?” At this point all hope of going back to a calm state was lost. “You can’t scream. You can’t yell for help because they have their hand covering your mouth so tightly that even the attempt causes you to bite the insides of your lips.”
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until a tear dropped from my chin.
“Do you have any idea what it feels like to have that same person rape you more than once? After they have just stripped you of your innocence, they flip you over, shove your face into a pillow, and push your legs apart only to force themselves on you again. Do you know, Radley?”
Megan was sobbing as she sat on the bed staring up at Radley and me. Kole also appeared sickened by my words as his eyes glistened with unshed tears.
“You all show up here with some plan to intervene, but none of you truly know the hate inside me.”
Kole now stood and the last thing I wanted was for him to attempt to comfort me. I couldn’t take it.
“I know you all want to fix me, but you can’t fix me. No one can. I’ll never forgive myself for the things I did.” It was true. If only Radley and Kole knew the full truth, they wouldn’t be so determined to offer me help.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” It was Kole who spoke this time.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I assured him. He looked back at me sympathetically and I hated that look.
“You’re so sure of that, but let me enlighten you just how wrong you are.” Megan hollered out for me to stop but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Because I was so tired of living like this.
I just wanted it all to go away.
I wanted to breathe again without feeling like my chest was on fire.
“I was so unbelievably stupid,” I whispered. “I willingly followed Matt to that cabin on the night of Will’s party. I went upstairs with him because I was that dumbass little virgin who thought the guy with an amazing future actually liked me. But it was all some
sick game.” I took in a shuddering breath.
“When he was done with me he told me no one would believe that he raped me. He could have had anyone and I was dumb enough to believe him. Everyone saw how into him I was. Everyone witnessed the way I followed him around. So I left the party without saying a word and went home to take a shower.”
I looked up and found all three of them staring back at me. “I hid out, and I never reported it. I just went home and tried to forget, but then five weeks later…”
Megan crawled from the bed in a hurry and moved around Radley to get closer to me. “You don’t have to say anything more.”
“Yes I do because it’s never gonna go away.” I had two men hell bent on fixing me—the poor girl who was falling apart at the seams.
“Five weeks later I found out I was pregnant.” I said the words without looking away from Megan, and I didn’t miss the intake of breath that filled the silence after I spoke. I had no idea if it was Radley or Kole, hell maybe it was both of them, but I never let it stop me from continuing.
“I couldn’t tell my mom, because she had already hit rock bottom herself after my father left her. I couldn’t count on her and I knew that. So in my warped, crazy mind I thought if I ignored it, I’d never have to face it.” I took a step backward and sat down in the chair at my desk, twisting my hands nervously. “I never went to the doctor, I never said a word to anyone. Until the morning I found myself on the bathroom floor screaming in pain.” The tears fell heavy as the events of that day ran through my mind, still feeling as if it was only yesterday. “My mom took me to the emergency room, after she yelled at me for ten minutes for interrupting her evening plans.”
“Lex,” Kole whispered hoarsely, but I refused to look up.
“I had a miscarriage, and as I lay there in that hospital bed, tuning out the harsh words my mother spoke to me, I just felt sad because I lost my baby. It was such a mixture of so many different feelings, and each one just took me deeper and deeper into depression.”