by Nikki Chase
I’ve forgiven the driver a long time ago. That’s why I didn’t ask the police for any details about him — or her. I didn’t even know if the driver was male or female. I didn’t care.
All I knew was, going after the driver wasn’t going to bring Scott back. He was never coming back. Ever.
Scott’s death sapped all the energy out of me. I barely had the strength to get up in the morning. Even if I wanted to, there was no fight left in me, no innate drive to seek punishment for the careless driver out of some misplaced sense of justice.
I just wanted to sleep. Sometimes, I dreamed about Scott. And sometimes, I woke up thinking Scott was sleeping soundly beside me, and I automatically reached my hand to his side of the bed.
The exact moment when I couldn’t find his warm body beside me and realized he was gone… That always felt like finding out about his death all over again, with fresh, physical pain tearing through my frail body, forcing the overworked ducts in my eyes to produce even more tears just when I thought they’d run dry.
In those first weeks, I lived for those moments when I could fool myself into thinking Scott was still around. They seemed worth the pain.
When the fog of grief had lifted up enough for me to look around me, I realized I had been living in la-la-land and ignoring all my responsibilities. I had become a burden to Alice.
So I decided to stop spinning fairy tales and live in the real world.
And then Cole happened. By deliberately keeping me in the dark about his role in the accident, he had single-handedly created the biggest lie of all in what I thought was my new life.
None of the career goals I’ve achieved since the accident are real. Not even my new boyfriend is real.
I haven’t built a new life for myself after the accident. Who am I kidding? It was Cole. Cole was the one who built a new life for me. On a foundation of lies and deception.
As my chest starts to burn, I narrow my eyes and fix my gaze at something familiar in the distance. Is that…?
Jet black business suit. A mess of dark brown hair. He’s walking with a slight slouch, but I’d recognize that tall figure anywhere.
What the fuck is Cole doing here?
I push myself up off the ground. I’m not running away today. Looking straight at him, I march across the cemetery, anger burning hot as coal in my rib cage.
Cole
“Emily. Thank God you’re here.”
“What are you doing here?” She's shaking as she approaches me, I realize with surprise. I've never seen her like this before, her face red with anger, her eyes ablaze, and her hands clenched into tight little fists. “How do you even know I’m here?”
“The phone I gave you. There’s a tracker on it. It must still be in your bag.” I stop on the grass a couple of feet before her and stumble all over my words.
There are so many things I need to tell her, but we don’t have much time. I managed to slip away from the office while two of my father’s new men went out to buy some food, but it won’t take them long to realize I’m missing.
“You put a tracker on me?” She looks like she’s about to erupt, like there’s red, hot anger boiling just beneath her skin, right on the cusp of spilling out into the world.
“It’s not like that,” I say in the calmest voice I can muster. Maybe if I keep my cool she’ll simmer down as well. “It’s an old phone that my family bought and they put trackers in all their phones. I never planned on putting a tracker specifically on your phone.”
“Why should I believe you?”
“I never meant to hurt you, Emily. Everything I’ve done, I’ve done it to help you. Please. At least believe me on that.” When she stays quiet, I decide I should probably find out exactly what Rick has told her. “Why do you feel like you shouldn’t believe me, baby?”
“Don’t call me baby. Not after everything you’ve done. How long did you think you were going to hide the fact that you were the driver of the car that hit us that night? You killed Scott and destroyed my whole life!”
“Please, hear me out. I never meant to do any of those things to you, believe me. I’m an asshole, yes, but I’m not a murderer. It was an accident.”
“Oh, was it an accident too that you hired me and then made me trust you, when you were hiding such a big lie from me?” Her voice is breaking. That’s even worse than the shouting. It makes me want to run to her and scoop her up in my arms. I wish I can stroke her hair and tell her everything’s going to be fine, tell her I’ll keep her safe and take care of everything.
But I have a feeling, if I take even one step closer, she’s going to bolt like a scared wild squirrel and I’m never going to see her again.
“It wasn’t an accident that I hired you. I saw that you were struggling to find work, so I gave you work. And I never planned to fall for you, but I did. I wanted to tell you everything, but I was waiting for the right time. And I see now that I was wrong to not tell you everything from the start. I’m so, so, so sorry.”
“How did you even know I was struggling to find work? Were you always spying on me? What else are you hiding from me?” She’s shouting at the top of her lungs now, and the handful of people in the cemetery are turning their heads to watch us.
“Can we please sit down somewhere and have a talk? I’ll tell you everything, I promise.”
“It’s too late for that now, Cole. We worked at the same office for months. You’ve had millions of opportunities to tell me!”
“You’re right. You’re absolutely right, Emily. I’ll tell you everything right here, right now.” At least if I’m the one talking, there will be no shouting to attract people’s attention. The way people are looking at us with worry on their faces, it’s only a matter of time until one nosy person comes along and “rescues” Emily from me.
“Fine. Tell me.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest. Under normal circumstances, I’d be staring at the way her stance pushes out her perky breasts, but this is no time to be distracted, although it’s incredible how good she looks with no make-up and an outfit she has clearly just thrown together.
“Okay. Firstly, I’m so sorry I didn’t talk to you as soon as you left the bar last night. My family...disapproves. And they’ve got people watching me so I don’t call you or come looking for you. You know about the tracker now. That’s the kind of thing that they do. They’re paranoid criminals.”
“Maybe they just know that it’s a bad idea for you to have anything to do with me. Maybe they have a point.” Emily’s tone is still angry, but at least she’s not shouting anymore now that she’s curious enough to listen.
“I was hoping to see you at the office this morning.” I admit she has a point. Emily probably would’ve been better off had I stayed away from her. But there’s no point talking about that right now. That’s all done and in the past. I need to focus on what to do from this point on. I need to get my whole story out or I’ll run out of time. And then I’ll never get another chance to beg for her forgiveness again.
“I’m not working there anymore. You’re crazy if you think I’m going back,” she says.
“Fair enough. It would’ve been easier for me to sneak out and find you if you were at the office. I’ve also been to Alice’s apartment, but you weren’t there. And then I remembered that you still had the phone I gave you. On the off chance that you still had it, I checked the tracker and found you here. I promise you, I never planned to put a tracker on you.” I look at Emily expectantly, hoping to see if that softens her heart a little bit.
“Go on,” she says, raising her eyebrows.
“On the night of the accident, if you remember, it was dark and raining. There was a storm. The winds were really strong. My phone was ringing, and I reached for it on the passenger seat to reject the call. I took my eyes off the road for a split second, and…” My voice trails off.
“...and you hit us.” Emily finishes my sentence. She presses her lips together and forces her eyes wide to stop the tears in her eyes
from falling, but I can see how much sadness she’s holding back.
“Yes. That’s when the accident happened.” I’ve practiced telling this story to Emily thousands of times before when I’ve been awake in the dark, tortured with guilt. But now that the time has come, I still can’t find the right words to say.
“Why did you remember seeing me in that bar? I’d only been there once before,” she says in a small, shaky voice.
“I, uh, I just thought you looked beautiful. I wanted to talk to you, but you disappeared before I had a chance to. We must’ve left the bar at about the same time.”
My phone starts ringing. Fuck. This is the worst time. I dig into my pocket and glance down just long enough to tap the red “Decline” button on my phone.
“Do you have somewhere else you’d rather be?” She asks with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
“Absolutely not.” I softly shake my head. “There’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be than wherever you are.”
“I have to ask. Did you do it on purpose?” She stares intensely at my face like she’s looking for answers.
“Fuck, Emily.” That hurts. “Of course not. I can see why you’d think that, because I saw you at the bar, but I didn’t chase your car if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“But you did follow me after the accident?”
“Yes, I did.” When I see sadness clouding her features, I quickly add, “But it was just to make sure you were doing fine.”
“I’d be doing fine already by now if it wasn’t for you.” Emily’s expression hardens.
The phone rings again, and I shut it off without even looking at it. That must be my father or one of his men. And I’m sure whoever it is won’t hesitate to put me in a world of pain if they find out where I am and what I’m doing.
But right now it seems more important that I don’t cause Emily more pain than she’s already in. I can handle whatever my father dishes out, but Emily… I have to do everything I can to make Emily safe and happy.
“Look, Emily. Can I please see you tomorrow? There’s something I need to show you. I have a plan.”
“I don’t need your plans, Cole. I don’t need you to take care of me.”
“I promise you, I can fix everything. Please,” I beg her.
“I told you, I’ve had enough of you trying to run my life. Why do you even do it? Do you get some sort of sick pleasure from destroying and then rebuilding my life?”
“No, Emily, I’m not trying to—”
"Stop it!" She shouts. "Everything! Just stop! Stop trying to control my life. I'm not your puppet for you to manipulate and toy with as you wish."
"Emily," I say, trying to calm her down. "I'm not try—"
"Shush!" She cuts me off. "Don't tell me what to think! Don't tell me what to do! Just... Just stop!"
"Will you please let me at least explain what I’m planning to do?" I ask, exasperated.
"No.” She looks straight at me, her eyes cold and indifferent. “I don’t care anymore about anything you have to say. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear any of it. You've had a lot of chances to explain. You've had years!" She takes in a deep breath, then exhales audibly. In a calmer voice, she continues, "Years, Cole."
"I know. I know I’ve done you wrong and I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But please, Emily. Let me make it up to you. I never meant to hide anything from you. I just wanted—“
"I said stop it, Cole. You want to explain. You never meant to do it. You just wanted something else — I don't even care anymore what it was. It's all about you, isn't it?"
I was almost ready to go on with my explanation, but my mouth falls open and remains that way for a few long seconds that feel like forever. Emily makes a good point. A point that many other people in my life have made before. Maybe there's a truth to it.
"I thought so," she says. "I'm not here to assuage your guilt, Cole. Stop treating me like I'm some hurt little bird you pick up to put back together. Maybe it hasn't occurred to you, but I'm a human being with my own wants, my own needs, my own aspirations. It’s not all about you.“ She pauses to catch her breath. "It's too late for explanations now, Cole. Stop thinking about yourself for once and let me live my life."
"Emily, please don't do this." I'm begging now and I know I sound desperate and pathetic, but I'm grasping at straws. I have to tell her something. Something real. Something that actually means something to her. Something that will make her listen to me and stay with me. "Emily. I love you."
"Then leave me alone," she says with finality.
She walks away, and I just stand there. I let her leave. It feels like a thousand arrows have just stabbed into my chest.
I’ve failed.
Emily
“Em?”
“Uh-huh,” I answer weakly from my bed. A thick blanket and a door separate the two of us and I have no idea if she can hear me.
“Em, are you in there?” Alice repeats.
“Yeah,” I say louder.
“Can I come in?”
“Okay.” I flip the blanket open and take a deep breath. It was getting pretty hot and stuffy in there anyway.
“Is everything okay?” Alice opens the door, letting the light from the living room spill into my bedroom. She leaves it open as she walks in and sits on my bed.
“No.” And just like that, the tears start falling again. Soon enough I’m sobbing in Alice’s arms. We used to do this a lot after Scott’s death. I didn’t think we’d have to do this again so soon, especially after I started putting the pieces of my life back together again. Heh. So much for my recovery.
“Did something happen with Cole?”
“Yeah.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Alice. Who’s Randy? How does he know Cole?” I thought I’d had enough of Cole’s excuses. I thought I already had all the answers. But as soon as I got home and had a chance to think, more questions cropped up in my brain.
I can’t possibly pick up the phone and ask Cole after the way we left things at the cemetery. But maybe Alice can help with the few remaining questions that I have.
“Em, I need to tell you something. Please keep in mind that I love you and I never thought things would turn out this way.”
I pull away to take a good look at her face. Why did she say that? She’s starting to sound like Cole.
Alice takes a deep breath, then says, “There is no Randy.”
“What are you talking about? You told me about Randy yourself, remember? When we had that dinner with Cole?”
This doesn’t make any sense. Alice would never lie to me. It must’ve slipped her mind.
“I remember, Em. Listen. As soon as you told me about going to the conference alone with Cole, I knew I’d made a mistake, but it was too late. You were so excited about it and it was a good opportunity for your career. I couldn’t just tell you not to go. But the thought that I could’ve stopped what happened between you and Cole has been keeping me awake every night.”
“I don’t understand.” I frown in confusion and sniffle. All the crying I’ve done all day has blocked my nose.
“I’m sorry, Em. I’ll start from the beginning.” Alice hands me the box of tissues from the nightstand and smiles apologetically. With my room in complete darkness, Alice’s face is cast in the shadows of the light coming in through the slit in the door.
“Marco didn’t tell me about a vacancy at Foster Hotels, and neither did Randy. Randy doesn’t even exist. Cole was the one who approached me about the job.”
“Cole…?” I prop myself up with my elbows and get up to a sitting position.
“Yes.” She takes another deep breath, as if steeling herself to tell the tale. “About a year after the accident, Cole came up to me and introduced himself. He said he was the driver in the other car. He said he knew you were looking for work and he wanted to help. I did wonder how he knew about it, but when I found out he was Robert Foster’s son it all became clear.”
&nb
sp; “Who is Robert Foster?” I blow my nose into the tissue and set it aside to join all the other tear-saturated, snot-soaked tissues on my bed.
“Ah, right. You don’t know who he is.” She looks up at the ceiling and pauses to think. “I first heard about him from one of the regulars at my restaurant. He’s a big deal. A really big deal, Em. We don’t hear much about him because he’s a private guy who prefers to stay in the shadows.”
“I’ve met him at the office a few times,” I say.
“He’s not literally always in the shadows.” For the first time since she entered my bedroom, Alice smiles. “Some say he’s into drugs and illegal gambling, but nobody really knows. He definitely has some shady stuff going on, although people say he’s cleaning up his business now that he has enough money to go legit.”
I nod along as Alice tells her story. It’s all starting to make sense now. The tracker, the men Cole said were guarding him, the strange animosity between the two of them.
“So you see how I didn’t think it was strange that Cole knew about your job search. His family is the kind of people who make it their business to know about stuff.”
“So you lied about Marco? And about Randy? Why?” I know Alice would never do anything to hurt me. I feel like I’m in an alternate reality where everything’s upside down.
“Well, you really needed a job, Em. And the job market sucked. And you had no qualifications for the kind of job that would lead to a decent career,” Alice says. “You have to admit it was an excellent opportunity for you. You’d already had everything taken from you. I didn’t see any point in you handicapping yourself career-wise for no good reason.”
“What do you mean for no good reason?” My chest starts to burn again with anger and confusion. Why does everybody in my life feel the need to make life-changing decisions for me?