by Nikki Chase
I spent the weekdays working and having lunch with the girls from the office. During the nights and weekends, I hung out with Marco and Sally, his girlfriend. I don’t feel like a third wheel at all around them. And their friends have also given me a warm welcome.
They even took me to the tourist attractions that they must’ve visited hundreds of times before. I saw a bird’s eye view of the city from atop the Space Needle and checked out delicate, colorful artwork at the Chihuly Garden and Glass Exhibition. I’ve gotten addicted to the food at the Pike Place Market, especially the famous clam chowder and Beecher’s cheese — I don’t even mind waiting in the long lines.
I’m so glad Marco’s downtown apartment is within walking distance from the market. After enjoying all the conveniences living downtown, I’m definitely going to live in the area myself. I’ve checked out a few cozy studios and one-bedroom apartments, and they’re definitely affordable with my new salary.
Marco and Sally told me to hold out for a good one, though. They say I can stay with them for as long as I need.
I feel like I’m already a Seattleite now. I have local friends, I love the local food, and I’m even going to have my own place soon. Everything is finally falling into place for real.
But truth be told, I keep thinking about Cole. Not long after I arrived, I heard about Cole being here as well. It’s pretty big news among the people I work with and they were all surprised I didn’t know before they told me.
Apparently, Cole has been setting up meeting after meeting with big names in the industry, but nobody knows what he’s planning to do yet.
Since I found out he’s here, I haven’t been able to relax. I feel like I might run into him somewhere.
Like, I’d be checking out a new part of the city and I’d think about how much of a waste it was that I didn’t get to explore the city during the business trip. Then I’d think about the conference and how I was so focused on working and, to be honest, on Cole. And then he’d completely dominate my thoughts and I’d continuously look around to see if he’s around.
I’m not angry at him anymore. In fact, I’m a little embarrassed when I think about my outburst the last time we spoke. But I can’t decide how to react when I inevitably see him again.
As if he can hear my thoughts, Marco taps me on the shoulder with a big, excited grin on his face. “You’ll never guess who I just saw!”
Oh, I bet I can, actually.
“Who?” I feign ignorance. I haven’t told Marco or anyone else in Seattle about the history between Cole and me. It just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing to share with new friends or even an old childhood friend I’m only starting to reconnect with.
“Come here.” Marco grabs my wrist. As we zigzag our way through the crowd, he looks back over his shoulder and yells, “He didn’t even know you were here! He’s going to be so surprised to see you.”
I have no doubt he will.
My heart beats faster and faster until finally, just a few feet away, I see him. He’s looking around like he’s searching for something — or someone.
He looks as gorgeous as I remember. The dark messy hair that feels so soft when I run my fingers through it. The brown eyes that used to gaze deep into my soul. The blazer that shows off his broad shoulders. I get the inappropriate urge to slip my hand inside and feel his hard chest and abs through his shirt.
My legs get shakier the closer I get to him, and I curse myself for choosing to wear my new pumps with the four-inch heels. It’s not easy to balance myself when my legs go weak and I’m trying to match Marco’s excited pace.
“Here she is,” Marco declares to Cole when we’re close enough for him to hear it. “I can’t believe neither one of you knew you’re both here.”
Cole immediately turns around and looks right at me. His body language mirrors mine. His eyes are fixed on my face, like he’s studying me. But he stands still like a statue, afraid to step forward but unwilling to move away.
Obviously, we’re both nervous and unsure of what to do. This is probably going to be awkward.
“Hi, Cole,” I say.
“Hi, Emily.” His lips form a thin smile on his face, but his eyes look dull and sad, although I also detect a hint of tenderness in them. “Marco’s right. I literally just found out you work here.”
“Yeah. I kept emailing and calling her for ideas on how to run InstaLux. When my boss noticed how often I brought up Emily’s name, he asked if she’d be interested in working here.” Marco seems oblivious to the tense atmosphere between the two of us. He says, “Then I found out she wasn’t working for you anymore, and Harry just had to hire her. He immediately called her and made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.”
I smile at Marco’s bad Godfather joke. “Yeah. That’s exactly how it happened.”
“As you can see, Cole, your loss is our gain.” Marco grins with pride. He’s been telling the whole office about how he’s the one who discovered me every time I come up with a good idea. It’s flattering, really, that he thinks I’m such a good find. I’m almost used to it now, but him telling Cole all about it makes me blush again like it’s my first day here.
“I’m sure she’s going to do really well here.” Cole hasn’t taken his eyes off me. He’s looking at me like I’m one of the pieces of art hanging on the walls around us, taking in every detail with an admiring gaze.
“Believe me, she already is. Everybody loves her,” Marco says.
“He’s exaggerating.” I give Cole a small smile.
“Not at all,” Marco insists. He gets distracted by someone calling his name and says, “Hey, I have to go say hi to someone. You guys have fun catching up!”
My eyes widen as I watch Marco walk away. He’s leaving me alone with Cole? Damn, he’s so oblivious.
“So you moved here last week?” Cole asks.
“Yeah. And you?” I grab a tiny little tomato bruschetta from the hors d’oeuvre tray when a pretty server walks past. I’m too nervous to eat, but I need to do something with my hands.
“I’ve been here for almost two months. I had no idea you were moving.” He looks almost hurt that I never told him.
“It wasn’t exactly planned. I just felt like I needed a fresh start.” As soon as the words escape my lips, I realize my mistake. Cole winces. I quickly add, “And Marco was right. It was a really good offer and I needed a job.”
“You like it here?”
“I actually do. I had no idea you were here either until I got here. You’re creating quite a buzz. There are all kinds of speculations about why you’re here.” I have to calm down. Keep the conversation casual. I tend to talk too much when I’m nervous and I really don’t want to say the wrong thing. “How about you? You like it here?”
“It’s nice enough,” he says. He’s being careful. Could he be worried about revealing too much to the employee of a potential competitor company? Or is he just as skittish as I am?
“Yeah. It’s a nice city. I’m still not used to the weather, though. I can’t believe how much it rains here. It’s always so gloomy and cold. And I always forget to bring an umbrella. I’d walk out to go somewhere and only realize it when it’s too late to turn back. It feels super cold outside when my clothes are wet.” I take a bit of the tomato bruschetta to shut myself up. I’m being such a great conversationalist. Weather talk? How interesting!
“Where do you live?”
“Downtown.” I cover my mouth to hide any remaining bits of bruschetta and swallow quickly. I was expecting Cole to say more so I could have more time to eat, but he’s not giving me anything to go on. “I’m staying with Marco for now, but I’m looking for my own place.”
“You’re staying with Marco?” He clenches his jaw as something flashes in his eyes. Hurt? Anger? It goes away too quickly for me to identify.
“Yeah. He’s being really nice to me, even though I’m basically always in his space. His girlfriend doesn’t mind either. They tell me I can stay for as long as I want, but I feel
like I need to move out as soon as possible.”
“So it’s the three of you?” Cole visibly relaxes. Could he be jealous?
“Yeah. How about you? Where do you live now?”
“Same. Downtown. I figure it would be more convenient for me to get to meetings.”
“Em!” Marco yells. I turn toward him and see him pointing at someone beside him. “Come over here! You have to meet this guy!”
I nod and smile at Marco. A part of me is relieved I can escape from this awkward encounter but, at the same time, I still want to spend more time with Cole. I smile at him and say, “Looks like I’m needed elsewhere.”
“Yeah.” He pauses before he says, “Do you want to go somewhere after you’re done? For drinks? I know a good place.”
Cole
“Do you…” I pause and search her eyes for answers while I think of the best way to pose the question I’ve been meaning to ask ever since I walked out through the tall, wrought-iron gates of the Blackwood Cemetery.
Do you hate me?
She tilts her head, waiting for me to finish. But I can’t ask her that, not with those exact words. I’m too afraid she’d say yes.
I drag air into my lungs and steel myself. I can do this.
“Are you still angry at me?” I finally ask. My heart hammers in my chest while I wait for her answer.
“No, Cole.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m not angry at you anymore. I was, though. But you probably already know that.” She laughs softly.
She looks beautiful with the candlelight illuminating her face. Her red dress glows orange and I wonder if I really saw her in the parking lot, but it doesn’t matter. We have more important things to discuss now that I know for sure I’ve found her again.
“Yes, you were quite clear about that.” I return her smile. A little bit of my anxiety leaves along with a big exhalation. “You were right to be angry, though. I did a horrible thing.”
“I think…” She pauses and looks into the distance like she’s trying to find the right words. “I think I was as angry at myself as I was at you.”
“Angry at yourself?”
“Yeah. For the longest time, I was angry at myself. Alice told me it wasn’t my fault, but I always felt responsible for the accident myself.” She pulls the corners of her lips upward and looks across the table at me. Her blue eyes are glassy and glowing, reflecting the dance of the little candle flame. “I told Scott to drive faster. I had a bad headache. And then it happened. I blamed myself.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I quickly say. “If you want to blame anyone, blame me.”
“No, Cole.” She slowly shakes her head. She blinks away the tears that have gathered in her eyes. When she continues talking, her voice breaks. “If it was your fault, then it was my fault as well. But I’ve been thinking a lot about this. Alice was right. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Nobody wanted it to happen. Not me, not you, and not Scott.”
“You don’t think it was my fault?” I frown and realize she’s serious.
“No.” She shakes her head again. “No, Cole. It wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself for the accident. If you need my permission, I’m giving it to you right now. You can stop blaming yourself. I’m sure Scott would forgive you as well if he could.”
A lump in my throat stops me from saying anything. I swallow, but it won’t go away. I wouldn’t even know what to say anyway.
Ever since I woke up in the hospital after the accident, I haven’t stopped blaming myself. Not for one minute.
And now the victim of my crime is telling me I don’t have to carry this burden that has been weighing heavily on my shoulders?
“I was also angry at myself for letting myself fall for you. I felt like I was betraying Scott in a way. It doesn’t make sense, I know. But that’s how I felt. Even though I know he’d want me to continue living my life and not just get stuck in the past.”
“Wait a minute. You just said you fell for me.” I somehow manage to find my voice. This is too important to brush off.
“I did.” She smiles a little mysterious smile, like she’s amused at my bewilderment.
“Even though I lied to you?”
“Well, I fell for you before I realized you were lying to me. But yeah, I still felt the same way even after I found out the truth.” Emily’s index finger traces the lip of her glass of Diet Coke. I stare at it with intense jealousy. I want her finger on my skin again. Can I hope for that to happen again?
“And now?” I look deep into her blue eyes. Please, don’t let this be a lie. I deserve to be lied to after all the lies that I’ve told her. And I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted me to get a taste of my own medicine. But I hope to God that she’s telling the truth.
“Now?” She sighs and looks up at me. Her blonde locks shift over her shoulders and back. “I don’t know, Cole. It’s hard to say. I’ve been… I’ve gone through a few really intense months. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, but I also realize there are many things I still don’t know.”
“Like the way you feel about me,” I say.
“Yes. Like the way I feel about you.”
“I love you,” I blurt out. “That’s not a lie. That’s the truth. And I still do. I still love you.”
“I know. I know you have real feelings for me, even if you’ve lied about other things. The way you’re looking at me right now, you can’t fake that. Not even if you were a really good actor.” She returns my gaze and smiles.
“I’m so sorry, Emily. I’m sorry for everything I put you through.”
“I know that, too. You’re deeply remorseful. I can tell.”
“Can you…” I gather my courage and ask, “Can you forgive me? Can we start over? Please, Emily?”
“I don’t know if I can trust you.” She says the words softly, but it feels like she has just smashed her glass against the bar table between us and stabbed me in the chest with the shard. “I can’t stop wondering if you only feel that way because of your guilt, if you feel responsible for me because of the accident.”
“I’m not going to lie anymore, Emily. You know that, right? I’m only going to tell you the truth from now on. I promise you. And the truth is I started to fall for you before the accident, when I saw you at The Amber Room that night. Then I really got to know you. You’re smart, beautiful, and you have the kindest heart. I can’t help but fall in love with you. It’s not because of guilt. Guilt is there a lot of the time. But there is love, too. And it’s real.”
Emily cocks her head and stares straight at me without saying anything. After a long pause, she says, “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why are you here? In Seattle, I mean. What are you doing here?”
“It’s a long story, but I guess we have time. The short version is to get away from my father. I know I won’t ever be rid of him as long as I stay in San Francisco.”
“And the long version?”
I take a deep breath. “My father didn’t approve of me seeing you. He was furious when he found out I’d hired you. He was worried that somehow it would lead to everyone finding out about how he’d kept the police investigation quiet and stopped the news from reaching the media.”
“I know that,” she says.
“You do?”
“Yeah. Alice told me. And you didn’t know he did all those things until it was too late.”
“Yes. It was all a done deal when I woke up in the hospital,” I say. “So he threatened me. He said he’d take away Foster Hotels if I didn’t stay away from you.”
Emily draws a sharp breath. She stares at me with her big doe eyes.
“Well, my father found out about us. And he’s not the kind of man who makes empty threats.”
“So you lost Foster Hotels because of me?”
“No, Emily. I lost it because I didn’t do what he wanted me to do. It was going to happen sooner or later. He’s always tried to control me and I’ve always tried to defy his orde
rs. It was bound to happen.
“I’ve always wanted to get out from under his thumb, but there was a certain comfort in letting him be in charge of some parts of my life. To be honest, I knew it was going to be a lot harder for me to make it on my own. So I’ve always had this dilemma.
“And then you came along and made it unbearable for me to keep letting him run my life. Because I couldn’t let things stay the way they were and still have you in my life.”
“I didn’t know.” Emily puts her hands over her mouth. “So that’s why you left San Francisco?”
“Partly. There’s another reason. There was this girl there. She told me to leave her alone, so I decided to move here. I just didn’t think she was going to follow me all the way to Seattle,” I say, trying to break the tension.
It works. She smiles. If this place wasn’t so dark I’m sure I’d see color spread across her cheeks.
“But you worked so hard to build that company,” she says. Even after everything I’ve done to her, she still thinks about how things affect me. I swear if I ever manage to get her back, I’ll never let her go again. Not even if she tells me to.
“It doesn’t matter. Like I said, it was bound to happen. I can always do it all over again. I managed to take some money with me when I moved here, so I can start again. I can rebuild. I can redo everything I’ve done with Foster Hotels. I can earn back my success.
“But that’s not the way things are with you. It kills me that I lost you through my own foolishness.
“I’m sorry for being so selfish, Emily. I didn’t think about what you want. It didn’t occur to me to ask you. I didn’t even cross my mind that I should tell you the truth. I tried to fix your problems my way.
“I realize now that I was treating you like my father has always treated me. He thinks he knows exactly what I need and how to get it. He doesn’t consult me even when he’s supposedly doing things for my benefit.
“When you told me to leave you alone, I realized I’d been trying to fulfill your needs without consulting you. And that wasn’t going to make you happy. It’s just like how my father would never make me happy by doing whatever he thinks is right without ever asking me what I want.