Memories Are An Old Man's Toys

by Elayne Tulliani

  What if this sudden change in Billy’s demeanor and personality was because of some medical news he had received. Her mind immediately went to the thought that perhaps the scar was the result of surgery. What if he had a tumor or something removed and received the news that it was malignant? That would explain so much. She had known people in the past that had been diagnosed with cancer, and their entire outlook on life changed. The ones who were normally very outgoing and happy suddenly became withdrawn and depressed, and the ones who were usually withdrawn and depressed seemed to find a new love for life. The news of your mortality can do funny things to your psyche. Sherry was truly concerned for Billy. Such a drastic personality change must have been triggered by something equally as drastic.

  The tug-o-war that was playing in her head the whole ride home was intense. She’d had such an amazing day with Billy. Then there was the kiss; that had completely caught her off guard. As much as she wanted to kiss him, she never imagined that he would be the one to make the first move. The quick kiss the previous week was more of a peck that you give a friend but tonight’s kiss… that had passion behind it. She kept pressing her lips together almost as if that would hold the kiss on her lips longer. Sherry was obviously a beautiful woman and had enjoyed a few boyfriends in her life, but this felt so different to her. There was something about Billy that was so special, there always was. Her mind kept drifting back to the scar on his arm, but she pushed the thought out of her head. She refused to allow herself to think unpleasant thoughts. She was much too happy to spoil it with dark thoughts. Whatever it was she was sure he would share it with her in

  his own time.

  Sherry was so happy that she was riding on clouds and she was halfway home before she realized that she hadn’t reminded Billy that she was on vacation the following week. She would have to remember to mention it when she called to let him know she was home safely. She was still in shock that he had closed his shop down. She was sure that he would stay in business until the day he died. The only thing he ever seemed to focus on was work. She was genuinely happy for him though; she always felt that he deserved to enjoy his life and she was thrilled that he was blessed to do it now. When Sherry arrived home, she was amazed at how fast the commute seemed tonight. She had traveled those roads a million times, but tonight the trip seemed to be over in a heartbeat.

  She stopped to retrieve her mail and then walked into the house while sorting through it. It seemed that she always got so much junk mail and so little personal mail. She was surprised to find a letter from her sister. They spoke often but Lisa never wrote her letters, and she was immediately concerned about what prompted this. She was anxious to open the letter, but she knew that whatever it said may very well bring with it a complete change of moods. She knew if someone were hurt or had passed away she would have received a phone call, not a letter, so she decided to postpone opening it for a few minutes.

  She wanted to make sure she called Billy to let him know she was home safely and remind him that she was on vacation next week. When she called him, she laughed to herself about how quickly he answered the phone. He must have been sitting there waiting for it to ring. She was glad she had chosen to call him before diving into whatever Lisa had to say; otherwise, he would have been sitting there needlessly worrying.

  “Hi Billy, I just wanted to let you know I’m home now and to remind you that I’m on vacation next week.”

  “Do you really think you need to remind me, I’ve been counting the days? You get some rest now, and we will talk again during the week, thanks for calling.”

  “Alright you get some rest too, and I’ll see you next week,” with that Sherry hung up the phone.

  She blushed and smiled knowing that he was as excited to spend time together as she was.

  Sherry was a little irritated that she had to push away this feeling to deal with this letter from Lisa. She went to the kitchen and made a quick cup of tea and brought it into the living room with the letter.

  8

  THE WEIGHT OF SHAME

  She settled comfortably onto the couch and prepared herself for whatever drama was about to unfold. She began to open the letter and stopped for just a moment and drew in a deep breath then she finished ripping open the seal.

  Dearest Sherry,

  I am so sorry to be telling you this in a letter; I know it’s the cowardly way out. I just didn’t think this was the sort of thing to talk about over the phone and it never seems as though we have a chance to be alone when you visit. Let me start by saying that I love you so much and I know you have dedicated your life to making sure I was always safe and had the best opportunities in life. I know it hasn’t been an easy life for you and I am so sorry that you had to carry the burden of taking care of mama and me. As you know, I have been struggling in my relationship with Jimmy for a long time. While I will be the first to agree with you that I haven’t always made the best choices when it comes to men I think I may have also left some important information out as to why I have chosen to stay with Jimmy as long as I have.

  Over the past several years I have been seriously having a hard time with some personal issues and despite it appearing that Jimmy wasn’t supporting the girls and I financially he has been a rock for me in other areas. And there are actually very honorable reasons as to why I work, and he doesn’t. I think it is time for me to share this with you and again I apologize for doing this in a letter. You know I love to write and believe it or not I’m at a total loss for words right now. I’m not sure how to do this, so I am going to just blurt it out and hope that you understand. When we were younger, I know you went through some horrible things with mom’s ex-husband. I’m sorry that you had to go through that and I know you think it was a secret that none of us knew about but I want you to know that I know all about it. Sherry had to stop reading for a moment. “How was it possible that Lisa knew what happened to me? I’ve never told anyone about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother’s ex-husband.” Sherry was afraid to read any more but she knew she had too. She picked the letter back up and continued reading.

  Please don’t be mad at me for bringing this all back up for you. I am so sorry if this is causing you pain, but I need someone to talk to that will understand.

  Sherry froze in fear. Oh Dear God she thought, please don’t let her be getting ready to say what I think she is. I did everything I could to keep her safe. Sherry had to get up and walk around for a few minutes to absorb what she was feeling and try to get a handle on her thoughts. Sherry was never a woman who shed her tears easily. She had prided herself from the time she was a child at being able to keep her emotions in check and never give anyone the satisfaction of making her cry, but she was quickly losing this ability as she pushed through Lisa’s letter.

  I need to tell you that I went through the same thing with him. Please, Sherry, I need you to know that I realize you did everything you possibly could to keep me safe and I am so thankful to you for that. This is in no way your fault. I know you’re going to feel guilty and that is one of the reasons I have chosen to keep this to myself for this long. I never wanted to hurt you. You have been the only person in my life that always took care of me, and the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you. I have been trying so hard to deal with this alone, and I can’t do it anymore.

  Jimmy knows what happened, and he tries so hard to support and help me, but he doesn’t understand. I fight with him all the time because he gets so angry that I still help mama after she allowed this to happen. I believe she knew what was going on and she did nothing to stop it, but she is still my mother. Jimmy doesn’t understand that. I realize that you don’t have a good relationship with her, and I have never faulted you for that, but I’m different. I’m not as strong as you are and I can’t walk away from her. Don’t get me wrong; I completely understand that you have always taken care of her. I’m not trying to say you walked away from her; I know you pay for everything to take care of her. I just can’t separate, I
wish I could. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this now; it’s just that I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t share it with someone.

  I tried after graduating high school to talk to a counselor, but when they started talking about the fact that I was a minor when everything happened, I panicked. I was afraid they would start contacting the authorities, and I just stopped going. Other than Jimmy I have never talked to anyone about it again after that. Sherry please, please don’t be angry with me. I can imagine the pain you are feeling while you read this and it breaks my heart, but I felt like I needed to tell you. I am doing everything I can to hold myself together, but it is getting harder every minute, I just can’t keep up this charade.

  I know you spent your entire life looking after me and I know this is your time to focus on you. I am so very sorry to drag you into my pain and open old wounds for you but sis, I really need you now. I am hoping that maybe while you are on vacation, we can plan a day to get together, just you and me. Maybe we can get a hotel room for a night so that we can talk privately. If it is too painful for you or you don’t want to, I will understand. Please call me when you feel up to it so we can talk. I love you so much and again I am sorry for doing this in a letter, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words to you over the phone. I do hope you understand. I love you, and I won’t call in case you need some time, but I do hope I hear from you soon. Love Always Lisa

  As Sherry finished reading the letter, she let it just fall from her hands, and it sailed to the floor. Sherry’s world came crashing down around her. She hadn’t cried a tear in years, and now she couldn’t stop. “How was it possible that this had gone on and I didn’t know? I watched her constantly when we were growing up for this very reason. I spent every minute with her that I could. How did I not see the signs through all these years? I knew what to look for, yet I managed to miss it when it was right under the same roof.

  “All the pieces are starting to fall into place now. How Lisa handled her relationships. Why she chose the men, she did. Why she was so overprotective of her girls. It’s all starting to make sense now. And Jimmy; how is it that I misjudged him all this time.” She thought, “All I saw in him was that he didn’t financially support her. It never even occurred to me that he was the type of man to offer emotional support.” She was upset that it was so late because all she wanted to do was run to Lisa and hug her and tell her how sorry she was. She worried that since Lisa didn’t know that she was spending the day in Boston with Billy that she must be thinking that she got the letter early in the day and just didn’t call her. Sherry worried that Lisa would think she didn’t want to talk to her. Sherry was almost hyperventilating because she was crying inconsolably. She went into the kitchen and splashed water on her face and tried her hardest to give herself the same self-talk she did as a child and young woman. “Okay Sherry, pull yourself together. You aren’t going to solve this by falling apart.”

  Sherry went from a place of pain and guilt to a place of rage. She knew that Bob had died a few years back, but she wanted to dig that bastard up and beat the hell out of him for what he had done to her sister. She wanted to drive to her mother’s apartment and pull her out of bed and confront her once and for all. How could she call herself a mother and allow this to happen to both her daughters? She knew that realistically her mother might not have been able to prevent it with her but once she became aware of it she sure as hell could have put an end to it and that would have spared Lisa the same pain.

  All of her crying had given Sherry an extreme migraine. She went to the bathroom medicine cabinet and opened it to get some pain medication. When she closed the medicine cabinet, she was immediately confronted with her image in the mirror. “You failure,” she said out loud, talking to her reflection. “All your success in school and work doesn’t mean anything; you failed at the one thing you were supposed to do…keep her safe.”

  She walked into her bedroom and climbed under the covers. She didn’t even bother to remove her clothes; she was so deep in her thoughts and pain that she just laid there fully clothed, crying in her pillow until she fell asleep from pure exhaustion. When she awoke in the morning, she jumped from the bed and grabbed a pair of jeans and a sweater from the closet and quickly changed. She didn’t even take time to take a shower. She just pulled her hair up into a ponytail and grabbed her purse and car keys and headed out the door. She was headed straight for Lisa’s house and needed to get there as quickly as she possibly could. She needed Lisa to know that she hadn’t ignored the letter all day yesterday, but that she hadn’t received it until late last night.

  When she pulled into the parking lot at Lisa’s place she didn’t even bother to make sure she was in the parking spaces delegated to Lisa’s unit, she just pulled into the closest space. She took a moment to compose herself just in case there was anyone else at Lisa’s house. She didn’t want to make anyone else aware that anything was wrong. She knew all too well how important the persona of normalcy was, and she had no intention of breaching Lisa’s secret to anyone.

  She rang the doorbell and stood there waiting with a calm exterior while all along her insides felt as though someone had rearranged everything in her body. Her ability to hide her trauma was a lesson she learned at a very early age, and it was most definitely one she was calling upon now. When Lisa came to the door, Sherry calmly asked, “Is anyone else here?”

  When Lisa said no-one was home, Sherry grabbed her and hugged her, and they both began to cry.

  “Honey I am so very sorry, I did everything I knew how to do, I had no idea.”

  At that moment the only thing Lisa cared about was that her big sister was there to help her…again.

  They moved into the living room and sat closely together, facing one another. They held hands, and Sherry kept reaching up and brushing Lisa’s hair from her face and tears from her cheeks. They had always been extremely close, and neither one ever questioned the other’s love. Today they felt closer than ever. They now shared a secret and a pain that no one other than them would ever really understand. They may have chosen different paths in life, but both paths were deeply rooted in the same garden of dysfunction.

  As it turned out, Jimmy had driven down to Connecticut to visit his mother, and he had taken the girls with him. All three of the girls were home on college break and hadn’t seen their grandmother on Jimmy’s side in quite awhile so they had all left the previous morning and would not be home until that evening. This allowed Sherry and Lisa to talk uncensored, and talk they did, well into the early evening. They were finally free to share so many aspects of their lives with each other that previously they had always held private. They were both so worried about protecting the other from the hurt that lived within them that they didn’t even care that they were causing themselves more pain. As horrid as it was that they had both suffered this abuse the fact that they had finally opened up to one another cemented the bond that was already unshakable.

  Sherry was so angry at herself, “Lisa I feel so horrible about the way I’ve always perceived Jimmy. I had no idea

  what a support system he’d always been to you.”

  Lisa told her, “I’ve already told Jimmy that I was going to share this with you and he agreed that it would be healthy for me and my relationship with you.”

  Knowing that Jimmy was aware that Sherry now knew the “secret” she asked Lisa, “Would you be comfortable with me talking to Jimmy, mostly just to apologize for how I have treated him in the past?” Lisa fully supported the idea of Sherry and Jimmy talking, with the hope that it might help them become closer.

  They talked about their mother, and they agreed that she was fully aware of what was going on in their home. They each had their theories as to why she never intervened to protect either of them. Lisa thought that their mom was afraid of Bob.

  The entire time he lived with them he was a heavy drinker with a quick fuse, and both girls had seen the results on their mother’s face on more than one occasio
n. Sherry agreed that her mother was afraid of Bob. However, she had a different theory as to why she thought her mom never stepped up to the plate to protect them. In addition to the constant drinking that went on in their home by both Bob and their mom, Sherry knew that their mother also had very little income. Sherry never remembered a day in her life when their mother held a job. She lived on a very small government check that she got for her disability due to her history of substance abuse. Sherry thought that their mom was completely dependent on Bob to support the household.

  The fact was it wasn’t until Sherry was old enough to start taking on small jobs that her mom finally threw him out. Regardless of the way their mother justified her decision she didn’t do her job of protecting her girls. Now they were left to pick up the pieces, but at least now they would be able to help each other through the process. Since they were having a cleansing of the soul experience here, Sherry decided to confide in Lisa about recent visits with Billy. Lisa always liked Billy and couldn’t understand why he and her sister never dated. Sherry went on and on about how open he was now and how intelligent he was. She told her about how he kissed her goodbye and how it made her feel. Lisa was so happy to hear that Sherry finally had someone special in her life.

  Lisa had always felt so sad that her sister lived her life alone for the most part. She knew Sherry had dated a few men, but she never allowed herself to get serious with

  anyone.

  Lisa had a smile of content on her face when she said, “Sherry I don’t think I remember ever seeing you this happy.”

  “I feel like a schoolgirl, I mean the way I always imagined a school girl would feel when she found someone special,” Sherry replied.

  Sherry chose not to mention the tense moment when she noticed the scar on Billy’s arm. She felt that it would just look like she was trying to find some deep seeded reason why she shouldn’t just move forward and spend time with him. She decided she would keep that to herself at least until she found out what it really meant. She had a history of finding things wrong with the men she dated. She used that technique as sort of a shield to protect herself, and for whatever reason, she didn’t feel it was necessary to protect herself from Billy. The conversation between them flowed effortlessly from one topic to the next. Despite the deep love they shared they had never shared so openly with one another. They were both enjoying it, and it comforted Lisa because she felt that she had done the right thing by confiding in Sherry. The conversation dove pretty deep into some of the experiences they had both endured but out of respect I won’t go any further into the details I’ll just say they had found a way to pull something positive out of an otherwise traumatic situation.