by J. L. Perry
My heart suddenly drops when I remember the baby. I quickly put my hand on my stomach. When I can’t feel it, I start to panic. It is like I am in some kind of bad nightmare, and I just want to wake up. I want to scream, but my body is paralysed with fear.
Confusion sweeps through me when I look up at Logan and see that he is smiling. Yes, smiling! He leans over and wipes the tears from my face. When he says there is somebody dying to meet me, my confusion only deepens. I have no idea what he is talking about.
I watch him walk back towards the bed, holding something in his arms. He looks so gorgeous. The smile on his face has my heart racing.
When he places our baby on my bed, my heart instantly melts. She is beautiful. Saying I am confused that I have given birth and have no recollection of it is an understatement, but I am relieved that she is alive. For a few short minutes, I thought that maybe I had lost the baby. I am overwhelmed with love as I look down at her beautiful little face.
As soon as I look up at Logan, the tears start to fall again. He is looking down at me and smiling. I notice he has tears in his eyes, as well. He looks so happy and proud. Even though I am still confused as hell, I am happy, too. I love him so much. I love them both with my whole heart.
This is not how I had envisioned the birth of our baby, but she is here and I am thankful. I still need to figure out what happened, though. Not knowing is a horrible and scary feeling.
My mind is racing as I try to process everything. I have no idea how I got here or what sort of accident I’ve been in. The pain that I’m feeling lets me know that it’s pretty serious and that I’ve done some serious damage to myself.
I try to ask Logan what happened, but all he says is that we can talk about it later. That worries me because I need to know. I am so confused. There is something he isn’t telling me. I can feel it. Whenever Logan avoids talking about things with me, I know it is his way of trying to protect me from something. I quickly wiggle my feet to make sure I can still feel them. Surprisingly, they are the one part of my body that doesn’t hurt.
Okay, so I’m not paralysed.
The doctor and nurse come back into the room before I get a chance to press him further. I am thankful for the pain meds and the water because my throat is killing me. It feels like I have swallowed razor blades. When the doctor says that he might move me out of ICU tomorrow, it confirmed that my injuries must be serious. I had spent a lot of time in the ICU when my mum was dying, so I knew that you don’t go into Intensive Care unless it is life threatening.
When the doctor and nurse leave, Logan comes closer to the bed. He is still holding our daughter, and it suits him. He looks so relaxed with her. I know he will be a good father. He does look really tired, though, and that worries me.
I want to ask him some more questions, but the door opens and my father walks into the room. He looks at me and smiles.
“Hi, Dad,” I say with a smile.
“Oh, sweetheart. I have been so worried about you.” He leans down and kisses my cheek, tears in his eyes.
I immediately look between him and Logan. “Would somebody please tell me what happened?” I plead. Logan looks at my father and shakes his head. What the fuck is going on? Why won’t anybody tell me what happened?
“Please tell me,” I beg. “Why are you keeping secrets from me?”
Logan passes the baby to my father and comes to sit down beside me, reaching for my hand. “We are not keeping secrets from you, baby,” he says. “You were in a car accident and your injuries were serious, that’s all. When you are rested and feeling better, I promise I will tell you everything.”
He pulls my hand up to his mouth and kisses it. “I love you,” he adds stroking my face. “You just need to rest and recover and then we can talk, okay?”
I want to talk now. I need to know what they aren’t telling me. Before I get a chance to say anything else, our daughter starts to cry. Logan looks at his watch. “It’s time for her to eat,” he says. Even though I am angry with him, it makes me smile. Logan is such a natural at this. He takes our daughter out of my father’s hands, before asking him if he will go and get her bottle from the nurse.
“Why can’t I breastfeed her?” I ask in confusion.
He looks at me again, concern on his face. He takes a deep breath before stepping closer. “Brooke, you have been in a coma for the past ten days,” he says with a sigh. “She has been bottle fed since she was born.” He put his head down. “I am sorry, baby.”
“I see,” is all I say.
I am shocked, but his comment just makes me worry more. I watch him as he tries to settle the baby. He is extremely good with her, but I suppose he’s had plenty of practice. Seeing him like this melts my heart. I can only imagine how the last ten days have been for him. With me being in a coma and having to look after a baby for the first time in his life, it must have been hard for him. I’m so proud of him.
Even though my mind is still spinning from what Logan just told me, I have to smile as I watch him with her.
“You are really good with her,” I say.
“Well, she’s got your placid nature so she’s easy to care for.” My father comes back in with the bottle and passes it to Logan.
“Do you want to feed your daughter?” Logan asks. I smile and nod. It upsets me to think that I’ve missed out on her first days of life. I need to bond with her because I am her mother and she doesn’t even know me.
Logan sits down on the side of the bed, gently placing her in my arms. “Do you think you can manage to hold the bottle with your left hand?” I am certainly going to try. I want to feed my daughter more than anything.
My heart just melts as I watch her. Her sweet little face and the way her chubby cheeks move as she sucks on the bottle… My eyes start to fill with tears again, as I look down at her.
“Are you alright, baby?” Logan asks.
I look up at him and smile. “They are just happy tears,” I reply. “I just love her so much.” He is still sitting on the bed watching us, a huge smile on his face.
“I’m so in love with her, too. Actually, I am in love with both of my girls,” he says with a smile.
I smile back at him. “We love you, too.”
It doesn’t take her long to finish the bottle. Our daughter is such a little piggy, and sucked on that bottle like it was her last. While she was drinking, she fell back to sleep.
“I need to burp her,” Logan says, gently taking her out of my arms. I’m not ready to let her go yet. He must have been able to tell because he immediately says, “I will give her back to you. I promise. He makes me smile because I know that he is going to fuss over her, just like he does with me all the time.
Once Logan burps her, he leans down and gently kisses her before he hands her back to me. I can tell how much he loves her by the way he is looking at her. I smile at him, as he puts her back in my arms.
“What are you smiling at?” he asks with a smirk.
“You are so sweet with her,” I reply. He gives me an adorable smile, which makes my heart melt.
As I look down at her, Logan asks me again about a name. “We can’t just keep calling her angel,” he says.
“But I like that name. It suits her. It’s what we have been calling her all along anyway.”
“Is that what you want to call her then?” he asks. I nod. It wasn’t one of the names we had picked for our daughter, but it was what we called her the whole time I was pregnant. Considering the ordeal we have both been through, it is kind of fitting.
“How about we call her Angel Maree after your mother?” he asks.
I feel my eyes fill with tears again. I am so emotional. Naming her after my mother is perfect. But it kind of makes me sad, too, because it just reminds me that she is no longer with us. She would have made a fantastic grandmother.
“That would be perfect,” I whisper as he comes over and plants a soft kiss on my mouth. I look over at my father, who also has tears in his eyes. He doesn’t commen
t on the name, but I know he likes it.
Logan picks up the water from beside my bed and brings it to my lips. “Are you thirsty?”
“Yes, and hungry, too.”
After he gives me a drink, he says, “Okay. I’ll go and ask the nurse if you can have something to eat.”
After he leaves, my father sits down beside me. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?” he asks, grabbing hold of my hand.
“Okay, I guess,” I reply. “I am a little sore and a bit overwhelmed by everything.”
“That’s understandable. You have been through a lot.” As he’s talking, I am looking down at Angel. She is just so beautiful that I can’t take my eyes off her.
“She looks just like you,” he says. “I am glad I will be around to love her and watch her grow up. I missed all that with you.”
I reach my hand over and put it on his. “I am glad she is going to be surrounded by so much love,” I reply. I’d grown up with only my mother to love me so I’m glad my daughter is going to have a father, mother, grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin to love her.
“I love you, sweetheart,” he says with tears in his eyes.
“I love you, too, dad,” I reply. He gives me a huge smile. It is nice to finally have him in my life. It is amazing how close we have become. In some ways, it feels like we’ve always been father and daughter.
****
Logan
I walk out to ask the nurse if Brooke can have something to eat. She looks thin, and I desperately want to get some food into her. My parents and Michelle are waiting outside her room. My mother brought some soup she had made.
I tell her I will have to talk with the nurse to see if she is allowed to eat yet. Michelle asks if can go in and see Brooke really quick.
“Of course,” I say, “but don’t mention anything about Chris. I haven’t told her about his death yet. I’m waiting until she gets a bit stronger before I say anything.” She nods and kisses my cheek, then goes into the room.
My mum is looking at me. I know that look. She obviously isn’t happy that I am keeping this from her, but I am doing what I think is best.
The nurse says that Brooke is allowed to eat the soup. My uncle comes out of the room as I walk back in. Michelle and Brooke are talking happily, which makes me smile. Things are finally starting to feel normal again.
I sit on the side of the bed to feed Brooke. “I can feed myself,” she says.
“I know you can, but I want to do it.” She rolls her eyes at me. I never thought I would be happy to see her doing that, but I am. My old Brooke is back, and it is such a relief.
She lets me feed her and smiles at me the whole time. I think she loves the way I look after her, but she will never admit it.
****
Brooke
It is good to see Michelle. She tells me that she has been looking after the studio for me, and I am grateful for that. She also explains that they postponed the concert until I am better. I am glad because I don’t want to miss it.
Logan insists on feeding me, which is sweet. Sometimes I love the way he fusses over me. It makes me feel special. The soup, chicken and vegetable, is delicious. Logan tells me that his mum made it especially for me. It reminds me of the soup that my mum made for me whenever I was sick.
After visiting with everybody all day, I am exhausted. Even though it was great to see everyone, I am glad when they all leave because I have been struggling to keep my eyes open. You think after being in a coma for ten days, I wouldn’t be tired, but I am.
****
I slept well last night. In the morning, the nurse removes my IV and informs me that the doctor is moving me out of Intensive Care and into a normal room. She also says that once I am moved, I can get up and shower. I am looking forward to that. I am still in a lot of pain, but the medication is helping.
The doctor comes in to check me over before they move me. He gives me the okay. Logan has organised for me to be put into a private room so he and Angel can stay with me. I really want him to take Angel home, but he insists that he won’t do that until I can come with them.
The doctor says I will have to stay in the hospital for a few more days, then Logan is going to organise for a nurse to come to the penthouse to care for me when he isn’t there. He tells me that he hasn’t been into the office since I’ve been in the hospital, so I know he needs to get back to work.
I visit with Logan’s parents before they move me. They are so relieved to see that I am awake and doing better. It is nice to have so many people who care about me.
Once we are in the new room, Logan helps the nurse get me out of the bed. He wants to lift me, but he can’t with my broken ribs. I still feel very weak, but it is good to be up and out of bed. Apparently, when I was in the coma, I had physio therapy on my legs to help my muscles and my circulation. Logan and the nurse had to help me walk because I am too weak to walk on my own yet.
Once we get into the bathroom, the nurse asks Logan to leave. “No. She is my wife and I want to stay.” The nurse rolls her eyes at him and I have to laugh, which hurts tremendously.
Logan helps the nurse remove my hospital gown and the bandages around my ribs. Then they sit me on a chair. She asks Logan if he can get the plastic bag off the end of the bed to put over my plaster so it doesn’t get wet.
Once he walks out of the bathroom, the nurse whispers, “Does he always fuss over you like this?” I smile and nod. “You are lucky he cares so much about you, I suppose.”
“I am very lucky. He is a wonderful husband.”
“He is not too bad on the eyes, either,” she says with a wink, and we both laugh. I have to grab my side again.
“How much longer am I going to be sore?”
“Probably for a few more weeks. I can get the doctor to increase your pain medication if you would like.”
“No, that’s okay. It just really hurts if I laugh or move around too much.”
I look over towards the door and Logan is standing there, watching me. He has such a sad and haunted look on his face. I watch as his eyes roam over my body before returning back up to my face again. The sadness I see makes my heart break.
****
Logan
I stand in the doorway of the bathroom and look at Brooke. When I helped the nurse undress her, I didn’t notice just how bruised her body is. Her left side is covered in the most horrific bruises. It has been over ten days since the accident, and they are still really bad. It is killing me to see her like this.
I’d seen the bruises on the side of her face and arm, but that was it. Brooke’s shoulder, collarbone, chest, and all down the left side of her torso is black-and-blue. Plus, she has the bandages around her middle for the broken ribs.
Brooke looks over at me, and I can see the worry on her beautiful face. I feel the tears rise to my eyes, but I try hard to hold them in. I don’t want her to see me upset, plus I don’t want her to worry. She asks me if I am alright. I nod and smile as I walk into the bathroom and hand the nurse the plastic bag for Brooke’s arm. I don’t say anything because I am scared my voice will crack if I do.
Once I hand the bag to the nurse, I help her put it on Brooke’s arm. She is looking up at me with her big brown eyes. I lean down and kiss her forehead. It is hard to see her like this. She has been through so much and she doesn’t deserve this.
I ask the nurse to let me know when she is finished washing Brooke because I’ll come back in and help her get dressed. She is too weak to stand on her own so one of us will need to hold her up while the other one dresses her.
“I will go and get some clothes ready,” I whisper, leaving the room. I don’t look back at Brooke, but I can feel her eyes on me. I am trying to keep it together, but I know that looking at her again will probably break me.
I leave the bathroom and sit down on the side of her bed. I put my head in my hands, as a few tears escape. Seeing those marks on her body just reminds me how lucky she is to still be alive.
It also makes
me think of Chris. I don’t know how I am going to break the news to her. I know she isn’t going to take it well. Unfortunately, I’m finding that the longer I keep it from her, the harder it is to bring it up.
I haven’t had a chance to go back and see Chris’ mum since the funeral. My parents tell me that they have been to see her a few times, though, which I am happy about. The idea of nobody visiting her upsets me. When Chris was alive, he went to visit her every day.
The nurse calls me back into the bathroom when they are done. I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes, then grab Brooke’s clothes. When Michelle had gone to the penthouse to pick up some clothes for Angel, she picked up some for Brooke.
When I walk into the bathroom, I can feel Brooke’s eyes on me again. It is hard trying not to look at her, but I am afraid that if I do, I will get upset again. Once she is dressed, she brushes her teeth and I run a brush through her hair. Brooke asks the nurse if we can have some privacy for a minute. She looks at us both before saying she needs to change the sheets on the bed anyway.
Once she leaves us alone, Brooke asks, “What’s wrong?” I put my arms around her and hold her gently against me. It feels so good to have her in my arms again.
“Talk to me, Logan,” she pleads. “I know there is something you’re not telling me.”
“It is hard for me to see all those bruises on your body,” I reply. Well, that’s not really a lie because that’s what originally upset me. I want to say something about Chris, but I can’t…not yet.
She puts her right hand up and strokes my face. “I love you,” she says, “and I love how much you care about me.” I look down at her beautiful face and I feel the tears rise to my eyes again.
“Oh, babe,” she says, standing on her tiptoes to kiss me. It feels so good to have her lips on mine again because it has been so long. I missed having this connection with her.
“I was so scared I was going to lose you,” I whisper, resting my head on top of hers. “I couldn’t live without you, baby. You are part of me now and I felt lost without you.” I pull back to look at her. “I love you so much.” She kisses me again.