by J. L. Perry
I just shake my head. “I can’t,” I whisper.
“Please, Brooke,” he pleads. “You are so thin and I am worried about you.” I roll my eyes at him, and I can tell he is trying to hold back his smirk.
Seriously, when isn’t he worrying about me?
I remove the lid off my food, screwing up my face. Hospital food is the worst. “Would you like me to go and buy you something else?” he asks. I just shake my head. I really don’t want to eat, but I am going to try. I don’t want Logan to worry any more than he already is.
****
Logan
I sit there and watch her. She is still refusing to look at me, and I know she is shutting me out. It is killing me. I watch her as she pushes the food around on her plate. “Please eat something,” I plead.
She finally looks over at me. “I can’t,” she whispers.
I move my chair closer to her, then take the fork out of her hand. I put a small amount of mashed potato on it. “Open up,” I say with a smile. She rolls her eyes at me again, but I can tell she is holding back a smile. I manage to get a small amount into her before she pushes the fork away.
“I’ve had enough,” she says. I want to push for her to eat some more, but I don’t. I move the table away from her so I can hold her hand.
“Please talk to me, Brooke,” I beg. She looks at me, her eyes welling up with tears again.
“Oh, baby,” I say, pulling her hand up to my mouth and kissing it. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you straight away. You are still recovering from the accident, and you don’t need any extra stress.”
She pulls her hand out of mine and wipes her eyes. “I want to be alone,” she whispers.
“I am not leaving you alone and upset.”
“Please,” she begs. “I need some time to think and grieve.”
“Why can’t we do that together?”
“Please, Logan. I just need some time by myself.”
“I am not going to let you push me away, Brooke,” I reply sternly.
“I’m not,” she whispers.
“I love you, baby. It would kill me to walk away from you knowing you are upset.”
She just stares at me for a few minutes. “I love you, too.”
I stand up and sit on the side of the bed. “Do you really think being on your own is a good idea?” I ask. Personally, I think it is a terrible idea. I want to be here for her.
“I really don’t know,” she replies. “But it’s what I want.”
“If that’s what you really want…” I reluctantly say.
She grabs hold of my hand and squeezes it. “Thank you.”
I reach over and brush my lips against hers, then pull back to look at her. She gives me a small smile, so I lean in and kiss her again. This time, she puts her hand up to the side of my face and kisses me back. “Are you sure you want me to leave?”
“Yes,” she whispers.
I know it is going to kill me to walk away and leave her. I lean in and kiss her one last time before I get up off the bed. I sigh. “I will be back first thing in the morning then.”
“Okay.”
I get her mobile phone out of the drawer next to her bed, and put it where she can reach it. Michelle couldn’t find Brooke’s old phone at the penthouse, so I bought her a new one.
“Promise me that you’ll call me during the night if you need anything or if you just want to talk,” I say, and she nods. “I want to hear you say it, Brooke,” I demand as I raise one of my eyebrows at her.
“I promise,” she replies with a sigh.
I walk over to the bassinet where Angel is sleeping. God, I really don’t want to go. “Are you sure you are going to be okay, baby?” I ask again. I am concerned about leaving her alone. Why can’t we grieve together? We are always there to support each other. Walking away from her now just feels so wrong, but it’s what she wants and I have to respect that, whether I want to or not. I don’t want to upset her more by staying when she obviously wants to be alone.
“Don’t worry about me,” she replies. This time, I roll my eyes, and she gives me another small smile.
“Do you want to kiss Angel goodbye?” I ask and she nods. I gently pick her up and walk back over to Brooke, sitting down on the bed. She leans over and gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.
“Mummy loves you, baby girl.”
I feel a lump rise in my throat. “We both love, you, too,” I say, running my hand down the side of her face. Her eyes fill up with tears again.
“I know.”
I lean over and brush my lips on hers again. “Try and get some sleep, baby.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m really tired so I’ll probably sleep the whole time.”
“You know it’s going to fucking kill me to walk away from you when you are like this,” I say. She just nods. As I walk towards the door pushing Angel’s bassinet, I turn and blow her a kiss. She gives me a small smile before I leave the room.
I walk over to the nurse’s desk to let them know that I am leaving and that Brooke is upset. The nurse assures me that she will check on her throughout the night. I give her one of my business cards before I leave. “Please call me if you think I should come back,” I plead. She tells me she will.
I walk outside before I realise that I don’t have a car. My first thought is to call Chris. My heart drops when I realise I can never call him again. I planned on buying a family car before Angel was born, but with everything that was going on, it had slipped my mind. I call my mum to see if she can pick me up. I know her car has the baby seat.
She arrives at the hospital about fifteen minutes later. “Why are you leaving?” she asks.
“She found out about Chris and wants some time to herself.”
“I bet she is angry that you kept it from her,” she adds. I just shrug.
I already feel like shit and don’t want or need a lecture from my mum. I have my reasons for not telling her. In my heart, I know not telling her was the right thing to do, and I’m not going to let anyone tell me otherwise.
She helps me strap Angel into her seat. This is her first time in a car…or out of the hospital, for that matter.
“Did you plan on going home?” my mum asks.
“Yes,” I mumble.
“Well, that is out of the question,” she replies. “You are both coming home with me. You need a good night sleep in a proper bed, and I will take care of Angel for you.”
I explain that we will need to stop by a pharmacy to pick up some baby formula and nappies. She asks me if I know what type of formula the hospital is giving her. I pull a piece of paper out of my pocket and hand it to her.
After stopping to get what we need, we head back to my mum’s. She sends me to my old room to shower, while she makes me something to eat.
I rest my head against the tiles in the shower and let the hot water fall over my body. I am totally exhausted, but I know sleep won’t come easy tonight. Knowing Brooke is alone and upset is almost too much to bear. I should have just stood my ground and refused to leave.
When I get out of the shower, I make my way back downstairs. My mother and father are in the kitchen, fussing over Angel. When my mum sees me come into the room, she passes Angel to my father and grabs my dinner out of the oven.
I watch my father talk sweetly to Angel. I’ve never seen this side of him before. I don’t think he even acted this way with Lara when she was little. It is nice to see, but it is freaking me out a bit.
My mum passes me my food and I sit down to eat. I’m not very hungry, but she has gone to a lot of trouble to cook for me, so I eat it anyway. While I am eating, I look at my mobile phone to make sure Brooke hasn’t tried to contact me. There are no messages or missed calls.
I decide to text her, just in case she is still awake.
Hey, baby. I just want to make sure you are okay. I’m worried about you, and missing you terribly. I wish I was still there with you. I love you. Call me if you want to talk…please. x
&nbs
p; Once I finish my dinner, I put my plate in the sink. My mum asks me if I want more food, but I tell her no. She is heating up Angel’s bottle, and asks if I minded if she feeds her. I know they have missed out on seeing her.
I actually want to do it because I need that closeness with her, but don’t want to disappoint my mum. When I am with my daughter, it makes me feel connected to Brooke. Maybe it is because when Brooke was in a coma, Angel was my only connection to her.
My dad is still holding her. He looks up at me and notices me watching him so he stands up and passes her to me. I give him a small smile, then kiss Angel’s sweet little face. God, I love her so much. I just hold her close to me while my mum waits for her bottle to warm up.
Once it is ready, she comes over and takes her out of my arms. My father asks me to join him in his study. It is rare that he asks me join him in there. It was his private sanctuary when we were growing up. I’d only gone in there a few times when I was younger, and it was usually when I was in trouble for something.
He asks me to take a seat on one of the leather chairs, then walks over to the small wooden table in the corner and pours us both a scotch. I can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable being in here with him. Growing up, I wanted to be close to him more than anything, but he was like a stranger to me. I suppose I should be grateful that he is making some kind of effort now. He passes me my drink and sits on the other leather chair behind his desk.
“How are you holding up, son?” he asks. I just shrug. It feels weird talking to him about my feelings. “You know your mother and I are here for you if you ever need to talk.” I don’t know what to say to that. I still can’t believe how much he has changed over the last few months.
Don’t get me wrong. I like the new him. It is just coming thirty-four years too late for me. I would have killed for him to say those words to me when I was growing up.
We just chat for a while, mainly about work. That is the only thing with which we have really ever connected. He pours us another drink, then sits back down.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” he says, as he opens one of the drawers of his desk. He pulls out a page from the newspaper and passes it to me. It is the article about the accident that he told me about.
My hands start to shake when I look at it. I feel sick when I look at the large photo of the scene. The limousine is totalled, and there are emergency people around the car. It must have been taken not long after the accident. I’m not ready to see it yet or read the article so I fold it and put it in my pocket. My father is watching me, but he doesn’t say anything.
“The insurance company has been calling me,” I whisper. “They want me to come and get any personal effects out of the vehicle. I am not ready to face that yet, so I have been putting them off.”
“Why don’t you give me the details and I’ll take care of it for you?” I am grateful that he’s offered. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to face that.
After finishing off my drink, I tell him that I am going to check on Angel before I go to bed.
“Goodnight, son.”
“Goodnight,” I reply, then leave the study. I don’t remember him ever saying that to me before, even when I was a boy. Wonders will never cease.
When I get back into the kitchen, my mother has already finished feeding Angel. She is asleep in her arms and my mum is smiling down at her. When I walk in, she looks up at me. “Why don’t you try and get some rest, honey?” she whispers. “I’m going to put Angel in the room with us tonight so I can get up and feed her during the night.”
“I don’t mind getting up with her,” I reply.
“Please, Logan. Let me do this for you. I am worried about you. I don’t think you’ve had a full night’s sleep since the accident.” She is right, I haven’t. I know I won’t sleep well tonight anyway, but I just nod. I thank and kiss her before leaning down to kiss Angel.
“Wake me if you need me,” I say as I leave the kitchen.
“I will,” she replies, but I know she won’t.
When I get up to my bedroom, I strip off my clothes. I put my wallet and watch on the bedside table before checking my phone again. There is nothing from Brooke. I am hoping she is asleep and that is the only reason she hasn’t texted me back.
After I brush my teeth, I climb into bed and lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling. I am wondering how Brooke is doing. I want to call her, but I don’t want to risk waking her. I don’t know how long I lay there before eventually falling asleep.
CHAP
TER TEN
Brooke
That night, I cry myself to sleep. The thought of Chris actually being gone is unbearable. Logan wanted to stay with me, but I need some time alone to process what he had told me. Plus, I want to cry. I mean, really cry. Cry my heart out, without having to worry about freaking Logan out. He is already worried about me, so imagine how he would react if I break down in front of him.
That’s what worries me more than anything because if I let my guard down and open the flood gates, I am scared that I won’t be able to stop. I’ve been trying to keep my emotions in check all day. My head is also aching from trying to remember what had happened before the accident, but I can’t remember anything. As I fall into a deep sleep, I start to dream.
I am sitting on the lounge at the penthouse and rubbing my belly. Even though I am feeling so fat, all I can think about is Boysenberry ice cream. I called Logan earlier and asked him to pick me up some on the way home, but that is still two hours away.
It is such a lovely day so I get up from the lounge and walk out onto the balcony. I have been missing my running because I haven’t been able to do it for two months. I am too big and Logan is worried that I will fall and get hurt. He is so protective of me. It is sweet, but is a bit much sometimes.
I really need the ice cream so since it is such a nice day, I decide to walk down to the shops and buy some. I will be back before Logan gets home, so there is nothing to worry about. After grabbing some money out of my purse, I put it and my phone in my pocket. Then I make my way to the elevator.
I haven’t been walking long when I notice Chris pull up beside me. He rolls down his window. “Mrs. Cavanagh, what are you doing?”
“Going to get some ice cream.”
“Please get in the car and let me drive you. Mr. Cavanagh will kill me if he finds out I let you walk so far in your condition.” He is right. Logan will be pissed, but I want to walk.
“I won’t tell him if you don’t,” I reply with a smirk on my face. I start to walk again as he continues to drive slowly beside me.
“Please,” he begs. “It’s too far for you to walk.” I smile wider.
“I love my job, Mrs. Cavanagh, and I would hate to lose it,” he pleads. There is no way Logan will fire him, but I know he will be angry at him. I sigh and stop walking.
“Thank you, Mrs. Cavanagh,” he says with a sigh, removing his seatbelt. He starts to get out of the car to open my door.
“I can open my own door, Chris,” I say, as I make my way to the car. “And, please, call me Brooke.”
Once I am in the back seat, I put my seatbelt on. He smiles at me in the revision mirror, and I smile back. I lean forward and put my hand on his shoulder. “Logan would never fire you, Chris. He loves you—we both do. You are part of our family.”
“Thank you, Mrs…Brooke,” he replies. “I am very fond of you both, as well. I love working for you and Mr. Cavanagh.” I smile at him, sitting back in my seat.
I know Chris doesn’t have any family besides his mother, and she is elderly and not doing very well. Logan had given him two weeks off last month so he could spend some time with her. Logan also explained that Chris’ father had passed away about five years ago. Apparently, he had died suddenly from a massive heart attack.
“How is your mother doing, Chris?” I ask.
“She is doing okay,” he replies with a shrug. “She is frail, though, and I worry about her. It was really hard to put her in the nursin
g home. For over seventy years, Mum lived in the house that my father built for her. But she now has dementia and is no longer able to live on her own. I was with her whenever I wasn’t working but, unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Sometimes she forgot to eat or take her medication, and there was also the risk of her wondering off.”
I lean forward and put my hand on his shoulder. “You’re a good man, Chris,” I say. “Your mother is lucky to have a son who loves her so much.”
We arrive at the store and I walk inside. I buy two tubs of ice cream, just in case one isn’t enough. Chris turns the car around and is waiting for me at the curb when I come out. I climb into the backseat. “Thanks for driving me, Chris,” I say as I fasten my seatbelt.
“Anytime, Brooke,” he replies as he exits the car park. “Next time you get a craving, let me know and I will take you, or even go for you.”
“You are so sweet, Chris,” I say. “That’s why I love you so much.” He smiles at me in the revision mirror. “If there is anything I can ever do for you or your mother, please don’t hesitate to ask.”
“I really appreciate that.”
Neither of us notice that another car has run a red light and is coming straight for us. By the time he turns back around, it is too late.
“Oh shit! Hold on, Brooke!”
I turn to look out the window. Instinctively, I put my hands over my stomach. The other car hits us with so much force, smashing into the driver’s side, that I think our car is going to flip. The noise from the impact is deafening. I feel the left side of my body slam against the inside of the car. There is no time to scream…
I wake suddenly, my body covered in sweat. I quickly sit up as pain radiates down my left side. I put my hands over my face and start to sob. It was all my fault! I was the reason Chris was killed!
The more I think about the accident, the more I cry. I’ve never cried this hard in my life, not even when my mum passed. I am suddenly finding it hard to breathe. I need fresh air. I feel claustrophobic.
Ignoring my pain, I get out of bed and head towards the door. My legs are still weak and I only make it a few steps from my bed before collapsing to the floor. I don’t even have enough strength to get up, so I just curl into a ball and weep.