by J. L. Perry
While I am sitting there drowning my sorrows, the doctor comes back down. He has been with Brooke for over a half-hour. “How is she?” I ask.
“I barely got two words out of her. She is definitely suffering from some kind of depression. It could stem from the accident, Chris’ death, or could even be postpartum depression.”
“She was fine until she found out about Chris’ death,” I say. “Then she just fell apart.”
“I’m sorry I asked you to leave the room. I thought she might open up if no one else was present.” He hands me a prescription for some sleeping tablets, just in case Brooke has trouble sleeping. He also gives me a phone number for a psychologist.
“I think some counselling would do her a world of good,” he says, “but, unfortunately, it will only benefit her if she wants the help; otherwise, there is no use even taking that route.
“Now, her physical injuries are healing well. How’s your daughter doing?” I smile and tell him all about her. At least I have one positive thing to talk about. The doctor explains that I need to bring her to his office soon for her six week immunisation. I thank him for coming on such short notice, and I tell him that I will call his secretary to make an appointment for Angel. As he is heading towards the elevator, he asks me to bring Brooke, as well.
“I’ll try,” I say with a sigh.
Once the doctor leaves, I down my drink. I want to go up to see Brooke, but I won’t be able to stand it if she rejects me again. Instead, I call my mother. I want her to bring Angel home because I am missing my little girl and I need something to keep my mind off Brooke. Besides, having Angel here might cheer her up, too.
When my mum drops Angel off, she asks if she can see Brooke. I explain that she isn’t up to seeing anyone. I don’t go into detail because that will only make her worry. She asks me to call her if I need anything.
I take Angel up to the bedroom, but Brooke is asleep. I don’t want to wake her, so I decide to bathe and change Angel, then I give her a bottle. After I burp her, I kiss her sweet little face, then place her in her crib. She looks so tiny. This is her first night in the nursery. I wish Brooke was awake to share this with me.
As I stand next to the crib watching my little girl sleep, I remember when I had surprised Brooke with the nursery, and the time we had shopped to buy all the baby things. It had all been so different then. We had both talked about bringing the baby home. We were so excited. I never would have thought it would turn out like this. Everything is such a mess right now.
I turn on the mobile above the crib before turning on the baby monitor. I grab the other monitor and head in to take a shower.
Once I am done, I put on my pyjama bottoms and climb into bed beside Brooke. She is all the way over on her side of the bed with her back to me. I presume she doesn’t want me to cuddle her, so I don’t even try.
After waking sometime during the night, I discover that Brooke isn’t in bed. I quickly get up and go looking for her.
When I walk past the nursery, the door is open. I go in and find her sitting on the rocking chair, Angle in her arms. She doesn’t look up at me, so I just stand there and watch. Thankfully, she isn’t shutting Angel out. I will be lying if I say it doesn’t hurt, though. I am missing my wife so fucking much and desperately need her back. My heart, my body, and my soul are aching for her love.
****
Brooke has been home from the hospital for nearly two weeks now and nothing has changed. She stays in bed most of the day and hardly eats anything when she comes down for her meals. My beautiful vibrant wife is gone, and I don’t know how to get her back.
Sometimes, though, it makes me angry and I just want to hit something. The frustration and hopelessness I feel is consuming me.
Brooke still sleeps most of the day, and sits up most of the night holding Angel. Jill tells me that she heard her scream a few times during the day. When she went up to the bedroom to check on her, she found her sitting up in bed with her head in her hands. Jill presumed she was having nightmares but, unfortunately, she wouldn’t open up to her, either.
I wonder if that is why she sits up most of the night. Maybe she is worried she will dream again. Or maybe she is just trying to avoid me. Either way, it is hard. I desperately want to be there to comfort her, but she is avoiding that at all costs. It is taking its toll on both of us. I am finding it hard to concentrate at work, and I’m not sleeping well without her. I am so worried about her…about us.
There is nothing I haven’t done to try and reach her. Everything has failed and she still won’t talk to me. Actually, she has completely shut herself off from everyone…even, in some ways, Angel. She isn’t neglecting her or anything, but I can see this emptiness in her eyes when she is holding her. It breaks my heart.
It is like she is totally broken inside. She hasn’t even gone back to the dance studio since she’s gotten out of the hospital, which says a lot. She used to love being there. Dancing is everything to her.
I’ve tried to talk to her about getting counselling, but she totally dismisses it. We haven’t made love or even kissed since she’s been home. She won’t even lie in my arms as we sleep. As soon as I get into bed, she just rolls over or, even worse, gets up. I desperately want to hold her again, but she obviously needs more time. Fuck, it is hard, though. I feel like I am losing a bit more of her each day.
When she is ready, I will be here waiting for her. That is certain. She is my life. My love for her is still as strong as ever. We are just lost at the moment. I just hope it will be back to normal soon because with every passing day, I can feel us drifting further apart.
I’d stayed home with her for the first few days after she had left the hospital, but she wouldn’t come anywhere near me. In the end, I decide to go back to work. It is too hard to stay home and watch her sink deeper. My sister, mother, and her father have all tried to talk to her, but she is shutting them out, too. They are so worried about her.
A few days after Brooke got out of the hospital, I bought a new car for us. We need something bigger now that we have Angel. I kept my sports car because I still need something to drive to work. Hiring another driver is not an option. I am going to drive myself around from now on. Chris is irreplaceable, and it feels wrong to even consider it.
I bought a black Mercedes GL-class 4WD because it is the safest car on the market. I also ordered a custom-painted yellow one for Brooke. She will need something bigger than her Mini now that she has to cart Angel around. Yellow is her favourite colour and it also matches her studio. Once the car is ready, I will organise to have the graphics painted on, like the Mini, if that is what she wants.
My father cleared out the smashed up limousine. He tells me it is pretty bad. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with that. There are some of Chris’ personal things in there, which I will give to his mother. He also retrieved Brooke’s mobile phone that was on the floor in the back of the car. The screen is smashed, so I’m having it fixed. I bought her a new one when she was in the hospital, but she can keep this one as a spare.
My life just feels like it is falling to pieces. I woke up on the lounge this morning with a monster hangover. I have no recollection of how I even got there. I remember walking down to a small pub about a block away from my building after work yesterday.
I’d been in no rush to get home because seeing Brooke in her present state was tearing me apart. I remember knocking back drink after drink, but I don’t remember much after that. There had been a few women who had approached me earlier in the night, but I politely turned down their advances. As desperate as I was for some female company, there was only one person I wanted that from…my wife.
I get up from the lounge and make my way to the kitchen. I feel like shit and my mouth tastes like arse. Jill is making breakfast and doesn’t look too happy with me. When I say good morning to her, she ignores me. That is a first. Something is up with her, but I have no fucking clue what.
“John wants you to call him,” she snaps wi
thout even looking in my direction. “I suggest you go and do it somewhere private.”
I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and make my way to my office. I can’t remember the last time I had a hangover. I sit down at my desk and pull my phone out of my pocket. My uncle answers almost immediately.
“How are you feeling this morning?” he asks in a clipped tone. What is with everyone’s attitude today? “Do you remember anything about last night?”
“I remember going to the pub and having a few drinks, but not much after that,” I reply.
“Well, Jill called me last night after 9:00 p.m. when you hadn’t arrived home from work. You see, she wanted to go home, but didn’t want to leave Angel alone with Brooke, considering how withdrawn she has become. So I called you to see if you were okay, and you sounded extremely drunk. I asked you where you were and then came down to get you.
“When I arrived, you had some bimbo on your lap and another one rubbing her tits up and down your arm! You were pretty out of it, so I won’t hold it against you. However, if you disrespect my daughter like that again, I won’t be so easy on you.”
Fuck!
I can’t believe I would do something like that to Brooke, no matter how bad things are between us right now. I feel like a piece of shit.
What I’d done last night was totally irresponsible. I should have never let myself get that drunk. As I left the office yesterday, I remember that I was really missing my wife and Chris. My only intension had been to drown my sorrows a bit. Not get so shitfaced that I could have unintentionally destroyed my marriage and my family.
“Thank you,” I whisper, as shame and guilt consume me. I think about what could’ve happened if he hadn’t come looking for me. “I honestly can’t remember any of it. I really appreciate you coming down before I ended up doing something I would’ve regretted for the rest of my life. I love Brooke with all my heart. I would never consciously do anything like that to her, no matter how strained things are between us. I hope you know that. She is my life, and the only woman I want.”
“I know that, kiddo,” he says with a sigh. “That’s why I am going to forget what I saw last night, and I hope you do the same. I doubt whether you would have been in a position to do anything anyway. You could barely walk. By the way, you owe me a new pair of leather shoes because you vomited all over mine.” I run my fingers through my hair. How could I let myself get so drunk? I am so ashamed and humiliated. I haven’t done anything this stupid since I was a teenager.
When I get off the phone, I walk into the kitchen to apologise to Jill, then head up to the bedroom. I desperately need to brush my teeth and take a shower. I notice Brooke sitting in the nursery, rocking Angel. I don’t go in there, though, because I can’t face her after what my uncle had just told me.
Her back is to me. For once I am thankful that I can’t see her beautiful face. I feel a lump rise to my throat when I think about what I nearly did last night. The thought of ever being with anyone other than Brooke makes me feel sick.
For the rest of the day, I try to avoid her because I am worried she will see the guilt that is clearly written all over my face. I still can’t believe how close I came to making the biggest mistake of my life.
****
Today is my mother’s birthday so when I get home from work, I go to the bedroom and ask Brooke if she wants to go to her house with me. Michelle and I always go to her house on her birthday for dinner.
Brooke shakes her head at me. I am stupid to think she’d actually say yes. As much as I feel for her, this is getting really fucking old. I sit on the edge of the bed and run my fingers through my hair.
“Please stop shutting me out. I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” I say sadly. “I know you are going through a tough time, but I can help you if you just let me in. I miss you so much.” I put my head in my hands and sigh. She won’t even look at me. I am becoming desperate. I don’t know what to do and I feel helpless. I sit there for a while waiting for her to answer me, but she says nothing.
Surprise…surprise.
“Well, I’m going, and I’m taking Angel with me,” I snap. I am starting to get really pissed off with her. “If you change your mind, you know where to find us.” I hate the thought of going without her, but I want to see my mother. I don’t want to upset her on her birthday by not showing up. I know she will be upset that Brooke isn’t with me, but there isn’t much I can do about it. At least Angel and I will be there to celebrate with her. That will cheer her up.
I get up and walk towards the door. I need to keep it together. Losing my temper with her isn’t going to help us at all. Part of me just wants to shake the shit out of her and tell her to snap the fuck out of it.
My actions the other night prove how desperate I am getting. But the other part of me knows she is hurting, too. As I go to walk out of the room, I take a deep breath before turning around to face her. “You can shut me out all you want, Brooke, but I will never give up on us,” I say with a sigh. Then I leave the room.
I walk downstairs and take Angel from Jill. She’d packed a bag with bottles and nappies for me to take. Jill has been a godsend through this whole thing.
“Brooke’s not going with you?” she asks. I can hear the disappointment in her voice. I just shake my head. “Give her some time, honey. She will come around. The poor thing has been through a lot.” I know she is right, but I just want my wife back. The shell of the woman she’s become is not the person I married.
My stomach is in knots on the way to my mother’s. My heart feels heavy and I have a lump in my throat. I am losing her. I can feel it. She is slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I’ve tried everything to get her to open up, but nothing has worked. I even called the psychologist a few days ago. She came to the house to talk to Brooke, but she just shut down and wouldn’t say anything.
My mum is glad to see us, but says she is sad that Brooke hadn’t come. She loves her and I can tell she is hurting for all of us. Michelle, Craig, and Lara are at the house, as well. Lara just loves her baby cousin. Michelle is really concerned for Brooke, too. She tells me that she is going to call over to the house tomorrow and try to talk to her again.
Michelle has been busy at the dance studio since the accident. She’s been there every single day. She wants everything to be perfect when Brooke is ready to get back to work. Everyone has pulled together. The teachers, students, and parents… They all love Brooke. Hopefully, the day will come when she will return. As the days turn into weeks, though, I have my doubts.
After we’ve eaten, Michelle’s phone rings. When she answers it, I can see the concern on her face. I hear her say, “That’s okay. Don’t send anyone over. We will look into it.” When she ends the call, she turns to me. “That was the security company. The internal alarm at the studio has been tripped.” I ask my mum to watch Angel while Michelle, Craig, and I head over there to check it out.
When we arrive at the studio, the first thing we notice is Brooke’s car parked out front. Michelle and I both just look at each other in shock. I quickly get out of the car and make my way over to the door.
As I am unlocking it, I can hear loud music from inside. Michelle and I walk into the waiting room. I make my way over to the monitor and turn it on.
We both look at each other again. Brooke is inside, dancing like her life depends on it. I start to walk to the door, but Michelle grabs my arm. “Don’t,” she says. “She needs this. Let her get it out of her system.” Brooke is dancing with her cast still on her arm and I know her ribs haven’t completely healed yet. It concerns me.
Michelle and I stand there, watching her on the monitor. She is dancing with everything she has. Even though I am worried about her, it is so good to see. She isn’t smiling as she dances, but she is at least out of bed and doing what she loves. That is a huge step, and gives me the first bit of hope I’ve had since she left the hospital.
When the song finishes, she picks up t
he remote for the sound system, putting the same song on again. When the song ends for the second time, she stands there for a minute with her hands on her knees, head down. Then she collapses to the floor, putting her head in her hands and starting to sob. Straight away, I head for the door. This time, Michelle doesn’t try to stop me.
“She needs you,” she says. “Don’t worry about Angel. I’ll make sure she’s looked after tonight.” She turns and heads out the front door, locking it as she leaves.
I open the door to the studio and make my way towards her, picking her up and cradling her in my arms. Brooke doesn’t look up at me or say anything, but she puts her arms around my neck and her head on my chest as she continues to cry. Tears are good. At least she is showing some emotion again.
“I’ve got you, baby,” I whisper, as I walk out of the studio and up the stairs to her private room. After laying her on the bed, I pull off her dancing shoes before slipping out of my own shoes. I climb into the bed beside her before reaching over and pulling her into my arms. Wrapping her arms around me, she cries until she falls asleep. It feels so good to hold her again. So fucking good! I’ve missed her so much. In my heart, I know that this is the start of her recovery.
I slept better last night than I have in over a month. When I wake in the morning, Brooke is still in my arms, her head resting on my chest. It immediately brings a smile to my face. I look at my watch. It is after 9:00 a.m. Brooke is still asleep, so I lean my head down and kiss her forehead. I don’t want to wake her. I will lay here all fucking day with her if that is what she wants. It is nice to just hold her again.
****
Brooke
When I wake up, I’m not sure where I am at first. After looking around, it becomes apparent that I am in my room at the studio, Logan’s arms wrapped tightly around me. God, it feels good being held by him again. I have missed being in his arms. Even though it is all my doing that things are bad between us, I’ve missed him terribly. I still feel responsible for Chris’ death, and am not sure if I will ever get past it.