by Claire Adams
"I'm sorry about tonight," she said.
"What?"
"You were obviously expecting someone different. I'm sorry Tiffany did this."
"You can't apologize for that. I was just about to leave when I saw you."
"What about now?"
"What about now?"
"Do you still want to leave?" She could have dropped an anvil on my head and it would have been more subtle.
"I want to buy you dinner," I said.
She sighed softly and ran her hands through her hair, leaning her elbows on the table. I was losing her. She was thinking about that door and walking out of it. When the server appeared again to take our orders, she picked her menu up, fumbling to skim through it fast enough to place an order while the guy was still waiting.
"You guys ready to order?" he asked. She apologized, looking at me desperately.
"I'll have the cannelloni," I said. "And, she'll have the baked gnocchi." She looked up from the menu, surprised. The man asked her whether that was what she wanted, and she nodded her head, thanking him.
"You ordered for me," she said once he had left the table.
"I know what you like."
"How do you know what I like hasn't changed?" she challenged.
"One of the first times we went out together, it was for Italian. When you were ordering you got mad that the menu said stuffed ravioli because ravioli's already meant to be stuffed. You ordered the gnocchi and got the same thing both times we went back to that place."
"You were talking shit about that couple sitting next to us," she said, remembering. "You said you thought the woman was his mistress because of how he kept watching the door and nervously checking the time."
"Then you wanted to act cute and pretend you were too full for dessert," I said. She cracked a smile, looking down at her plate shyly.
"I was nervous. I didn't want to be that girl. I was still trying to make you think I was a delicate flower," she said. I laughed.
"How long did that last?"
"I wanted to make sure I had locked you down before you found out I could eat an entire pint of ice cream myself," she said grinning. Her whole body language was calm and she was making jokes as she relaxed. This date wasn't going to be unbearable.
Our food came pretty fast, but that didn't slow us down. Once we had gotten the ball rolling, it was like it had never stopped in the first place. There weren't a lot of people I could feel so free and comfortable around. I had missed this feeling. Being with Ron again. All our beats and rhythms synced up perfectly. She didn't say no to dessert this time.
It was almost like no time had passed, at all. It was like we had never broken up and this was just another date night for us, not some weird scheme that my sister had hatched to get us to spend time together.
I asked her where she had parked, and we started walking slowly towards her car. We were both silent. It was a little breezy, and I had to stop myself from putting an arm around her in case she was cold. She still drove the same car, that red sedan that used to give her hell back in the day, with no functioning seatbelts in the backseat.
"I had fun tonight," I said to her.
"Yeah. I did, too."
"I think we should do it again." She stopped and turned to look at me.
"That can't happen," she said blankly.
"What? Why not?"
"Tonight was a special case. Tiffany bamboozled us. This wasn't a date."
"What the hell was it if it wasn't a date?"
"Dinner," she said shrugging her shoulders, "between old acquaintances." I laughed at that. All the years of history we had and she thought that made us acquaintances?
"Do you really think anyone in there with us tonight would believe that we hardly know each other?" I asked sarcastically.
"A lot can change in a year, Roman."
"You don't just stop being yourself. It doesn't work that way."
"You haven't been here, Roman. You wouldn't know."
"I know you."
"No, you don't. If you did, you wouldn't have done what you did. You would have talked to me so we could figure something out together," she said. Her face was drawn with anger. That cool, relaxed vibe we had had going through dinner was dead.
"I knew what would have happened if I did, that's why I didn't. I was deployed. I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want it to be your problem, too."
"Yeah, Tiffany told me. You were deployed, not dead. Why didn't you think I could deal with that? Why didn't you at least fucking talk to me before cutting me loose and making sure I didn't try and come back?"
"You wanted me to make you wait for me when there was no guarantee I was even coming back?"
"It wasn't a good enough reason to dump me. You made me think you hated me. That I was this thing holding you back. That fucked me up, Roman." I shook my head.
"I couldn't do it to you. You'd be getting nothing when I was gone. I was protecting you."
"That's bullshit. You were wrong, Roman. You didn't protect me from anything. You hurt me. You destroyed almost three years together and for what? Nothing." I didn’t stop her as she walked to her car without another word and got inside, fuming mad. This was the last step she got to before she would cry from frustration. I hadn't meant to make her upset, but I'd be a liar if I said it didn't get to me that she was so mad about what had happened.
That meant she still cared. That meant it wasn't just me – the feeling was mutual. I'd also be a liar if I said I didn't find it cute when she got mad. More than a few of our fights had ended in hot, angry sex, and I wasn't sorry for taking it there. I hadn’t seen passion like that in her for a year and it took me back. I couldn’t help smiling.
Damn. I had missed the shit out of that girl.
Chapter Ten
Veronica
I held the necklace above my face, lying on my back. The crystal swung back and forth. The little light in the room warmed the pink and reflected off its edges. The gold chain shone, concentrating and reflecting little rays of light.
I would have worn it the night before, but I didn't think the pink would be good with the dress. No, that wasn't it, not the whole reason. I also didn't feel right wearing this thing that my ex gave me to see another man. I sighed and put it back on my nightstand. Tiff had gotten me good, both of us.
The worst part was that he looked so great. And that he was still so funny, and handsome, and I still felt warm and happy around him. I could still see the guy who I had been crazy in love with in him after all this time and after what he did. I threw my covers off and went to the bathroom, washing my face and brushing my teeth. I had gone to sleep thinking about dinner and going to bed hadn't hit the reset button in my brain last night.
It was like this past year hadn't even happened. The more I thought about it, the more I went round in circles.
It had been a shock seeing him. I had been nervous and honestly, had had half a mind not to go back to the table after going into the ladies' room. I hadn't called Tiffany when I had been in there. I had wanted to – I had almost done it, too – but then I thought about what was happening and how it was the thing I had longed for so much when he was gone: just for him to come back and for everything to be normal.
He had broken my heart, and after feeling sad and hurt, I had been angry at him. But then a month had passed, then two, then six. I had gotten my shit together and rallied. I couldn't turn my love for him off as easily as he seemed to have been able to, but I had gotten on with my life.
I’d thought I was over him, and now that I had seen him and spent time with him again, gotten to get back a piece of what had been an incredible relationship, I was all over the place again. When it had happened, I had thought that I never wanted to see him again. Now I had and it didn't feel that simple anymore.
I heard my phone ringing and got back into my room too late to pick it up. It was Sean. He called again right away, but I silenced the phone and let it keep ringing. He had wanted me to call him after
the date, but I wasn't really in the mood to deal with him and his bullshit right now. What the hell did he want, anyway? He shouldn't have cared since he had basically pushed me to do it in the first place. Did that mean I could blame seeing Roman again on him?
I went to the kitchen and made coffee. There was a knock on the door, and I hesitated before going to answer it because of the person who had ended up on the other side of it last time I had had a visitor this early. Would he really show up here after I ignored his phone calls? If Sean was anything, it was lazy, and I was counting on that, unlocking my door and swinging it open.
"Thank God it's you," I sighed, leaning against the door.
"Good morning to you, too," Tiffany said, shooting me a crooked smile. She walked in, her heels clacking against the floor. "Guess someone had fun last night."
"I gotta hand it to you," I said, "I was a little worried about who it was going to end up being waiting for me at that restaurant."
"You're welcome," she said smugly.
"I didn't say it was a good surprise," I said, shutting the door behind her.
"What? What happened last night?"
"What happened was you tricked me into going on a date with the guy who dumped me. With my ex! Tiffany, what the hell?"
"We were right on that couch when you told me that you missed what you and Roman had and have been trying to get it back," she said, pointing at my couch.
"I didn't say that I wanted to get back together with him, I said I just wanted what we had. We were talking about Sean, anyway. I didn't even know Roman was back in town."
"Well, now you do. Nothing's standing in your way."
"No, Tiff," I said shaking my head. "That ship has sailed. He ended it, and it's been over for a year. I'm not going back."
"Why not? Was it a bad date? Was he rude? Did you fight?"
"No," I said, truthfully.
"Then, I don't get it. Why don’t you want to reconnect?"
"It’s called a breakup for a reason," I told her.
"He only did it because he thought what he was doing was right. It wasn't the right decision to make, but he was thinking of you when he did."
"That doesn't change that he did it, Tiff. He devastated me when he dumped me. He made a decision for me, instead of talking to me about it first. He didn't even respect me enough to treat me like his decision was going to affect me, too," I said. Tiffany sighed, looking defeated.
"He asked me whether you were happy the first night that he got back. He wanted to know how you were. He said he still cared about you, despite what happened."
"And, I do, too," I admitted, "but that isn't enough to change what he decided to do. He still left, and I can't pretend it wasn't the worst thing he could have done to me."
"I'm sorry. I thought I was... It doesn't matter what I thought I was doing, it was still wrong."
"I get it. You're not the only one who's thought about the two of us getting back together," I said sadly.
"Then why don't you give it a shot?"
"Because it's more complicated than that. He left knowing what it would do to me, and he did it anyway. He hurt me on purpose – I don't know that I can let that go." She sighed again, coming forward to hug me.
"I understand. I won't get in the way," she said, letting me go.
"I know you were just trying to help. I just don't think this one can be fixed." She looked a little sad about it. I knew how she felt about the relationship her brother and I had had, but he had changed something when he did what he did. He let me know that we weren't in it together. He could make decisions about things that would affect us both, and he would rather get rid of me than talk to me about stuff.
That was the real problem. That was the thing that would have gotten in between us sooner or later, even if we had stayed together. I suddenly felt resentful. Not towards Tiff, but towards Roman for coming back. For what he said last night about it being a date and trying to defend himself when I called him out. I had been doing great; why did he have to come back and confuse the hell out of me now?
That old feeling came back. I wanted him gone again. You know what? No, he could stay, I wanted out.
She hung out for a while, and we ended up going out to eat. When I got back to the apartment, I went online and signed up for summer courses. If I could graduate early, I would; then I'd get out of here. I'd never even look back.
Chapter Eleven
Roman
I didn't know what Tiff had against this place; it was growing on me. I was out on the patio, having coffee. The yard wasn't big, but if I wanted to put, I don't know, a dog out there, I could. I wasn't going to. It was just good having this much space to play with if I wanted. Last time I'd lived in a place with a yard was when I was still at home. I was still getting used to not having anyone need me to do anything. I wasn't sure about all this free time, what to do with it.
I had hit the gym earlier, but I didn't have anything else lined up for today. This was something I hadn't been anticipating. I felt a little restless, hoping this wouldn't last. But on the other hand, I felt like I should do something with my time off before I got started with football again or worse, had to go back overseas.
If things were different, it would have been obvious who I would be spending my free time with – but they weren't. I went back inside and drained my cup before washing it out. What was Don doing these days, I thought suddenly.
It had been a long time...had to be close to two years now. What was the use in being back if I couldn't catch up with the people I had left behind? I thought. Honestly, though, besides Ron, he was the person I was closest to who wasn't in my family. He didn't always have advice – not the good kind – but he always listened and sometimes that was all you needed.
I headed out half an hour later. Don lived on his parents' ranch on the edge of town, less than a half hour drive, but it seemed a lot further than it was but that was because properties were bigger. There was more space between neighbors. Fewer cars, narrower roads, fewer people. The seclusion would probably drive me crazy. It was pretty impressive though; almost six acres of rolling prairie. There was a drive before I got to his parents’ farmhouse where I parked. I finally saw him in one of the fields, not far from the house.
He had his shirt off. He was standing behind the tractor, which sounded like it was running. He was lugging these big bales of hay onto the cart attached to the back of the tractor, and it looked like hard work. I didn't know how heavy the average hay bale was, but last I checked, Don didn't go to the gym, and this was why. He didn't have to. He glanced my way, rubbing his arm across his forehead, then looked again.
"Roman?" He ripped his gloves off his hands. "Rome? Is that you?" he asked, as I came up to him.
"Don't let me stop you," I said.
"Are you kidding? Get the fuck over here," he said, grinning. He hugged me, slapping my back. His hair had been long the last time I saw him, but it was buzzed short now, shorter than mine, and I was the one who had been in the military.
"When the hell did you get back?"
"Last weekend. Watch out,” I said, as the tractor started moving.
"Why the hell did it take you so long to tell me you were back?"
"I was busy. Looks like you were, too."
"Shit," he said, watching the tractor pull away from us. "Whatever, he'll be back. How have you been?"
"Can't complain. I didn't know you were still working here."
"Yeah, it's-"
"Don! Donovan!"
The tractor had stopped. Stomping towards us was Mr. Crewe, Don's dad. Don was pretty intimidating to look at, tall and built, but his dad was like a weathered, angrier, older version of him. The physical labor on the ranch had kept him strong and in shape, and he was taller than Don's 6'4. In all the years Don and I had been friends, since high school, he was almost never not screaming.
"Don, what the fuck are you doing? You're back here so you can load the hay. How the fuck do you think it's gonna get t
o the barn?" he demanded.
"I got it, Dad," Don replied. "You started moving before I was done." I shut up and let them go at it, something I used to do often. It was like it was the only way they knew how to relate to each other. It was just the two of them, had been since Don was fifteen, and I had known him for a year at the time. Don's dad was yelling at him about wasting the gas the tractor ran on when he finally noticed they weren't alone. He frowned deep, lines pulling down the sides of his mouth.
"Who are you?" he asked, but then squinted. "Roman?"
"It's good to see you again, Mr. Crewe," I said. He straightened up, putting his hands on his hips.
"What are you doing here? Don told me you went overseas. Army, right?" he asked, awkwardly formal.
"Got back not too long ago. I just wanted to catch up with Don. See how he's doing."
"You two do that," he said tightly. "Don, ten minutes. You have work to do," he barked at his son before walking away.
"Fuck," I said.
"You get used to it. This is him on level one."
"I just forgot how intense he could be. Guess I chose a shitty time to drop by."
"Naw, it's not your fault. You've been gone all this time, anyway. Seeing the world and shit," he said, grinning.
"It wasn't a vacation, Don," I laughed.
"You look like you managed to keep yourself safe. Unless you got a robot leg under those pants."
"Wouldn't you like to know," I joked. "Gotta buy me a drink first, man." He laughed.
"Seriously. Nothing happened over there?"
"Nothing permanent. But something might happen to you if you don't go back and help your dad."
"Yeah," he sighed. "Listen, how about we go out for drinks tonight. It's been way too long." I agreed. I was close with my family, but Don and I, after high school had ended and we weren't being forced to see each other every day, just did. He had been an athlete, too, and both of us had lost our moms, so we had had that in common but after all these years, our differences didn't matter that much anymore. I let him get back to his work, telling him to just text me when he could meet me.