by Anna Lewis
She didn’t let him go, could not bear the thought as she breathed heavily, deeply, rocking with him, lost in the embrace.
As their afterglow burned through them, Julia sank back onto the couch. James moved, so that she rested on top of him, instead of the other way around. She was grateful. He was a strong man and she was so much smaller than he was. She sighed, resting her head on his broad chest.
He was so handsome, felt so good. Dreamy thoughts swirled around her head, finding rest in her heart. The afterglow washed over her and James was grinning, an easy smile, “Good?”
She laughed, blushing deeply, “Perfect.”
He sighed in satisfaction and shut his eyes. They rested like this for a little while. Julia resting in James’s arms, head on his chest, taking her time to focus on nothing but the present moment. No extra worries, no burdens that were weighing her down and leaving her sick.
Just this.
After what seemed like the longest time, James shifted. He reached for Julia’s dress as she sat up to. He was a gentleman, and he helped her back into her dress, making sure she was comfortable on the couch before he even considered putting his pants back on. He slid them on and did up his shirt, mostly. He smiled apologetically, “In case Penny is up.” Then he realized what he said and corrected himself. “I don’t mind her seeing this…” He leaned in, lips meeting hers again in a searing kiss, “Just…kids shouldn’t see their dad’s getting up to…mischief.” He smirked.
Then he took her in his arms, holding her again, like she was special, far more special than she truly was. With a smile, he carried her through the long hallways until they came to her bedroom. He nudged the door open and carried her to her bed, laying her down gently. “I’ve got an early start tomorrow…” he murmured, a soft smile on his face, “but I’m never far.”
He kissed her again as he tucked her into the softness of the blankets and the sheets, making sure that she was warm. Then and only then did he leave the room, flicking off the light as he went.
And Julia was left to bask in the glow of a night she had barely dared to dream of. Her heart twisted, excitement, happiness, and a growing sense of dread. Had she done the right thing? Was she anything more than a cheap fling with a live-in servant?
She hoped everything would be all right. Shutting her eyes, Julia dreamed of better days and fell into a peaceful sleep.
***
The next morning Julia almost overslept. Even though the alarm was ringing, she was lost in a perfect dream land of time with James, of her career, of everything good in the world. When she finally did wake, she realized that she had hit the snooze button at least once. Scrambling to her feet, Julia threw on some clothes and raced to get her morning started.
She woke up Penny and made breakfast. She checked that Penny was getting ready, she made sure she had all her books, and she walked her to the bus, just like she did every morning. She didn’t see James as she went about her routine of getting ready, and she remembered vaguely him saying that he needed to have a bit of an early start today.
It was only when Penny was out of the house that she allowed herself a moment to think, to really consider what had happened last night. She grabbed herself a cup of tea and made her way to her bathroom. She drew a large bubble bath, a luxury, and shed her clothing.
The light was streaming through the windows, a warm, comfortable glow that lit the whole room. She smiled as her skin touched the warm water and she slipped slowly into it. It was warm and delicious. The bubbles tickled her skin and she felt amazing. It relaxed her aching muscles and made her sigh with relief and enjoyment.
This was one of the perks to this job, one of the many perks—being able to take a bubble bath in the middle of the day. It was relaxing and gorgeous and she adored it. As she leaned back in the water, her hair twisted into an easy bun, she contemplated last night.
A blush burnt her cheeks. It had been magnificent. She could not kid herself about that, so it was useless to even try. It was amazing and he knew just how to make her body hum and sing and feel so good. The intimacy was amazing.
The way he had held her afterwards had been even better. The way he had taken her to bed, reassured her that he’d never be far. It made her heart flutter and her stomach tighten with nerves. She was relieved that he had been such a great dad about the whole thing too, concerned that his daughter might notice them in a state of undress.
And yet he had kissed her, and told her he was not ashamed of that. It made warmth tingle through her. What did it all mean? Was he interested in her as more than a nanny? Or was it just sex?
She sighed and shut her eyes. She wasn’t sure, but the dread that had started in her last night was beginning to grow. Sleeping with an employer was not a good move. People would think she was scamming to improve her situation, to get more money, or something equally terrible.
In fact, if she let this continue, and then it ended, James might not give her a recommendation, and then she could be out on the streets with no one to turn to. She couldn’t let that happen. With a swallow, Julia realized that she knew what she needed to do. She didn’t want to do it. She wanted to grab every single piece of happiness that life threw her way, and hold onto it, never, ever let it go, never let it stop, never let anyone take it away.
But she had to let this go. She had to let this go or her whole life might end in ruins, even worse than it already was. She could not make any more mistakes. She could not sully her name any more. She needed to eat and this was a great job.
She couldn’t blow it because she was falling in love with her employer. Her caring, sexy employer. She bit her lip. She couldn’t allow this to happen.
With a sadness in her heart, echoed only by determination, Julia started to wash herself, getting rid of the evidence of the night before, even though she wanted to cling to it, cling to James. Fear was fluttering through her—she didn’t want Penny to have any more heartache. She couldn’t let James fall for her and have his heart broken, and she couldn’t dare continue to do this with her employer. It just wouldn’t happen.
It couldn’t…but it still broke her heart. When she got out of the bath, she tried to boost her mood by using lotions and perfumes and putting on a comfortable, but pretty dress. It didn’t help much, and Julia went to do some laundry instead.
The next week seemed to pass in a flash. Julia was more than happy to lose herself in her work. Distancing herself was easy when she was doing it because of her chores. It was easier to avoid the dinner table because she desperately needed to mend Penny’s shirt for tomorrow. It was comfortable not to stay up late anymore, because she was getting up early to set up more complex breakfasts than were strictly needed. She did her job and she did it well, better than ever in fact.
It was only logical that that would demand more time and more energy from her, wasn’t it?
At first, James seemed confused, but he appeared to understand. He was polite and kept trying to talk to her. Julia was never rude, but she tried with all her might to keep things professional. She watched as James turned from confused, to hurt. She saw less and less of him as the days went on and he spent more time with Penny than with Julia.
It broke her heart. She wanted to call out and tell him that she cared for him, so very much, but that she couldn’t be fired for poor conduct again, not again, or she would lose it all and never get another job. She needed this job, and she didn’t want to hurt him.
It tore her apart and her days, once sunny, seemed to darken and turn grey. The haze that had claimed her, sad and unrelenting, since her first review, came back with a vengeance to make sure Julia knew she had done wrong.
But she hadn’t done anything wrong at the college, and this had to be the right choice. What else could she do? What else should she do? Confusion lingered across her mind, causing her to feel sick, feel unsure of her choices.
While worry and concern plagued her, Julia was staying afloat, at the very least. There was still hope that somethi
ng good would come of her review, and she had faith that she found find her way again, in both her career, and in her personal life.
Maybe she hadn’t hurt James too badly. Maybe there was hope that, if she got her job back, things could work out between them. Maybe. She didn’t dare to hope.
Hope never got her anywhere anyway. She found this out quite starkly a few days later, when she received an update about her review case. It caused her heart to plummet. The review process was not finished and the appeal was still in progress, but the update that Julia held in her hand was not good news. Her hands trembled as she read through it over and over again.
She realized that, no one at the college was truly on her side. No one had her back, or would try to help her stay on her feet. If she had any friends, any chance, it was with the appeal committee and she prayed that they were more honorable than the bastards who were handling the first review of her case.
The following morning, after Penny had been dropped off at the bus stop, Julia decided to head out into town. She needed to clear her head and Penny’s birthday was coming up soon. She wanted to get her a book and she decided that this was a better way to spend her time, instead of moping around the house trying to avoid James, and lamenting the choices that had gotten her to this point.
She caught her own bus, in no mood to drive, and decided to search through a few little boutique bookstores, instead of the huge ones that lined the road. She wanted something unique, something special for a special little girl. No matter how dark the days got, Penny was great at lifting her mood. Even though it was just work, she had really come to care for her over the last few weeks.
She wanted to get her something she would really like, so she searched hard on every shelf, searched for the perfect book. Penny was an advanced reader, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t love the same things as most girls her age. She loved reading about adventures, fairy tales and happily ever after. She wondered about getting her a compilation, but she seemed to like longer books. After a bit of debating it with herself, she picked out a book that looked just right and tucked it under her arm.
As she walked past the Charles Dicken’s classics, she found her heart catching in her throat, squeezing in her chest, and leaving her feeling dizzy. Memories of that night flooded her and she smiled, feeling a bitter sweet pang in her chest. She cared for him, she truly did. She wished that things didn’t have to be this way, with social constraints closing in on her like they always did.
But she would be fine. She had always assured herself that she didn’t need anything, didn’t need anyone, and certainly didn’t need a relationship. Why did things have to be any different now? Why did she have to worry about what she would do about this man who had fallen into her life and who wasn’t going to be leaving any time soon (considering that she was living in his house and not the other way around)?
Yet the passages of text that he had read to her swirled around her head, overcoming her senses and making her sigh with longing. Still, one passage stayed in her mind more than the others, insisting that she hear it, think about it, ponder the words.
“External heat and cold had little influence on Scrooge. No warmth could warm, nor wintry weather chill him. No wind that blew was bitterer than he, no falling snow was more intent upon its purpose, no pelting rain less open to entreaty. Foul weather didn’t know where to have him. The heaviest rain, and snow, and hail, and sleet, could boast of the advantage over him in only one respect. They often ‘came down’ handsomely, and Scrooge never did.”
No, she wasn’t like that. She was only doing what she had to. She didn’t mean to hurt anybody. She hurried to the counter and paid for the book, getting it wrapped while she was there, in a pretty simple pink print. Penny tried to act tough, and Julia didn’t blame her, but she still loved the softer things and Julia was determined to help give them to her.
As she stepped out onto the sidewalk, sheltered by the little outcrop of the eaves, her phone began to ring. Fishing it out of her pocket as she stared at the rain that was pelting down, unforgiving and harsh, she held it up to her ear, “Julia speaking?”
“Julia.” It was James. His voice had a harsh quality to it, rough and choked and Julia realized with a start that he was upset. Desperately upset.
“James, what’s wrong?” All thought of wrong and right fled from her mind, the thoughts of the review, what people might think, her career. She didn’t care. James was in some sort of trouble.
“It’s Penny.” Julia’s stomach dropped, twisting into the dirt, “Penny?” Her voice was hushed, fear building in her chest.
“She’s been rushed to hospital. I just got a call from the school.” She could hear the worry bleeding from his voice and she couldn’t blame him, not even in the slightest. “They said she had a bad fall. She was asking for both of us.”
Julia felt her heart clench so tight that she couldn’t breathe. Penny, a girl she had come to care about so dearly, was hurt, who knows how badly, and needed her, wanted her. “I’ll be right there. Which hospital?”
James rattled off the details.
“Thank you.” He still sounded distressed when he turned off the phone, and Julia raced for the street, hailing a cab. She tumbled into it, giving the driver the address. In her hands, she clutched the book, all wrapped up, and prayed that it was nothing serious. People worried quickly with kids. Maybe it was nothing.
She shut her eyes and she prayed. Suddenly nothing, absolutely nothing, seemed more important than being there for James, being there for Penny. She would not let them down. She would be there, at their sides and they would get through this.
It was going to be okay. Julia’s heart was pounding as she tried to believe her own reassurances, which sounded terribly empty and flat even to her own ears. They sounded like nothing much at all, but she had to believe, had to be there. There was no choice, in her mind.
She paid the driver when he pulled up at the hospital and jumped out, racing to the front doors, where the emergency room was situated. She hurried inside, only to be met with chaos, so many people were waiting for treatment. Feeling out of place, but no less determined, she hurried to the front desk.
A frazzled looking nurse took her in, and Julia spoke before she could. “Penny Monroe. She was admitted here?”
The nurse hurriedly tapped a few buttons on the keys, “Relation to her?”
Julia’s mouth dried up, and she didn’t know how the heck she was meant to answer that one and still be admitted.
“Caregiver.” A smooth voice answered from behind her. She turned to see James standing, looking calm, unlike the panic she had heard in his voice on the phone. “James Monroe. I am her father and Julia is authorized to see her. Now.” His tone was bold, but the nurse didn’t seem to care to argue.
“This way,” she muttered, too busy to deal with them. She showed them through the door, gesturing down the small ER ward. “She’s through there.” Then she disappeared. James barely spared her a glance, racing down the hall as quickly as he could walk. She heard his voice catch and murmured words that she could not hear. She hurried after him, wanting nothing more than to be at Penny’s side with him.
When she did, she wished she hadn’t. Penny was so pale and she didn’t look lucid in the slightest. The IV line strapped to her arm hinted at drugs that were making her so sleepy, but it didn’t make Julia feel any better. Her arm was supported, bandaged, and seen to, but Julia could tell that the fall had broken it badly. The bleeding had been bad, and the bruising on her arm suggested that the bone had pushed through the skin. Julia wanted to throw up, feeling dizzy at the thought of Penny being so terribly hurt.
“Hey, sweetheart,” her voice was soft and light as she smiled sadly. “We’re here for you… The doctors are going to make it all better.”
Penny managed to nod, and Julia noticed that she was falling further into a sleepy state. She was probably going in for surgery. James looked pale as he smoothed the hair off her forehead.
“Julia and I will be right here when you wake up,” his voice was gentler than she had ever heard it. “We’ll be right here and it will be okay.”
Penny didn’t manage to nod this time, her head lolling against the pillows as she drifted into a medicated sleep. Julia moved out of the way as the doctors came around to grab her bed, beginning to wheel her away. James looked like he wanted to say something, to stop them, and, on impulse, Julia grabbed his hand and held it tightly.
He looked startled, eyes pained with worry as he stared after his little girl, but he squeezed her hand back, and didn’t move.
“She’s going to be okay,” Julia whispered, even as the words felt empty, even to herself. “It’s not a head or neck injury…she’ll be okay.”
“I know…” he huffed, still looking distressed. Julia couldn’t blame him. So she just sat with him and held his hand while they waited. It seemed like hours of just sitting, just staring, just worrying, and wondering, and not knowing.
The waiting was torture. Julia prayed that Penny would be okay.
***
The rest of the day seemed to pass in a blur of waiting. Waiting and hoping. When Penny was finally released from surgery with a cast on her arm, the doctors talked to James about care, checkups, and other important information. He was nodding, taking it all in, but his eyes kept straying to his daughter, lying asleep on the bed.
She still looked pale, but her arm looked so much better, wrapped up and at the correct angle. It still made Julia feel sick to think of the pain she must have gone through. Her heart thudded in her chest as the realization hit her—she cared for Penny so much that it hurt, and if something had happened to her, she didn’t know what she would have possibly been able to do, how she would have been able to cope with a loss that would have felt crippling.