I park then turn to him. “You need to snap out of it. I know that scene was bad but damn it, you’re taking it too damn personal.”
“I love you and now I’m afraid of what that can do to me.” He looks out the window. “I don’t like the weight of that.”
“So, shutting yourself off and maybe losing me is a thing you find yourself thinking about doing? You’re going to let thirty minutes of awful take away a whole future of love, companionship, and your own family?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Take me to a liquor store and a hotel to let me drink this off my mind.”
With no idea of how to handle this, I put my seatbelt back on and find the nearest liquor store. Driving up at the drive-thru window I get him a fifth of Jack Daniels and head over to the nicest hotel I can find in the little town we pulled off the highway into.
With no hotels in the town, I find the nicest motel and go inside to get us a room. I feel as if Jason has turned into a zombie. Maybe this is how zombies are really created.
With the little keycard in hand, I go back to find Jason sucking on the whiskey bottle and he seems to be a little more relaxed. Which I will take as a good sign.
“I got us a king bed, and she said there’s a jet tub in the room. Maybe a nice hot bath in a bubbling tub will help you.”
Parking in front of the room, I turn the car off and pop the trunk. Jason walks toward the door and waits while I grab both of our suitcases.
This is so unlike him.
I take our things and open the door. He walks inside and falls onto the bed with a loud huff.
After making sure I locked the car, I sit on the chair next to a tiny table and look around the room. It’s okay but not near what we’re used to.
Jason’s eyes are closed as he’s laid out crossways on the orange bedspread.
“It’s crazy how these motels use the ugliest colors and fabrics to decorate,” I say.
“They don’t want you to steal it. They use this ugly shit on purpose,” he slurs.
Great! Drunk already.
I guess I should be thankful. Maybe he’ll go to sleep and wake up the real Jason again. This man isn’t him at all.
It occurs to me that I have never been through one tragedy with him. He may react like this to bad things anytime they happen.
Once I hear him making little snores, I get his phone and find his mother’s phone number. Maybe she’ll have some idea for me.
I feel a little odd about calling her and talking about him behind his back but I’ve never seen him like this and frankly, it’s freaking me out.
“Hey, Jason,” his mother says as she answers the phone.
“No, Mrs. Brennan. It’s me, Brittany.”
“Oh, hi, Dear. Are you guys on your way?”
“There was an accident. We weren’t in it but we stopped as it happened right in front of us. People were killed and Jason saw too much, I think. He’s not taking it well at all. He had me bring him to a motel room and after rapidly downing some liquor, he’s asleep on the bed.”
“Lord have mercy!” she says. “He’s so soft-hearted.”
“That’s what I wanted to know. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s shutting down. Saying he doesn’t want to love anyone and things like that.”
“Hmm. This reminds me of when he was young and his grandpa died. He and my dad were very close. Too close I think as I saw a change happen in him when my daddy died. Jason turned into a different kid after that. He was fifteen then.”
I sit back and think about what Jason had told me about getting into girls when he was fifteen and never finding any who caught his attention enough to make them his girlfriend. He was twenty-one when he set his sights on me. I was his first real girlfriend although he never could remain faithful.
“Do you think something as tragic as seeing dead people could change him again?” I ask as my stomach tightens.
“God, please don’t let that happen! He’s been so happy since he found you again, Brittany. He’s never sounded better in his life. He’s told me about his plans for your future. If this has derailed him, that would be awful.”
My heart sinks. “Do you have any ideas of what I should do to help him not fall into some kind of depression?”
“He may make it hard, but you should try very hard not to leave him alone. I’m sure that’s what he’s asking you to do, isn’t it?” she asks.
“It is.” I look at him as he’s sleeping at four o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon. “I’ll do what I can. I’ll make sure he or I call you tomorrow to let you know if we’re coming or not.”
“Okay, Darling. Bye now.”
I end the call and bite my lip as I strip away my clothes and go to Jason and start pulling his shoes off. Maybe lying naked with him, skin to skin will help him to see that feeling things like love aren’t bad things.
I hope so, anyway.
Chapter 8
JASON
It’s been a long time since the darkness took me over. I guess it was only a matter of time before it came for me again. Once, when I was a young teen, it took me away for about half that year.
That first time, it was my Pawpaw’s death that started it. I went black for an entire year when I hurt Brittany so badly she went away and never talked to me again. I wonder how she’ll take this.
No one knew about the darkness taking me over when Britt left. I left too and didn’t come back home until it had passed. It always passes. Maybe it won’t last that long this time. If it does, I wonder how long it will take Britt to be done with me.
I know it would be for good this time. I know she would never forgive me another chance if I mess this one up.
I lie here and feel her skin touching mine. She undressed me and pulled me around until we were together under the ugly orange blanket on the king-size bed. She’s wrapped around me and usually that would have me feeling excited and hot for her.
My body is as numb as my brain right now. Only little thoughts creep in now and then. Then those thoughts are quickly squished. I don’t want to think or feel anything.
Life is too hard. Too grim. Too painful.
Her hand moves over my arm, caressing and stroking as she murmurs, “I love you, Jason. Everything is going to be alright, Baby.”
I wish I could just stop this. I wish I could flip the switch that’s been flipped inside of my head. If I knew how then I would do it in an instant. I don’t want to lose myself again.
I remember hardly anything from that year after Britt left me. I stayed drunk or high and even when I was sober, I wasn’t in my right mind. The darkness always loomed over me. Covering me like a dark and heavy blanket.
“Just sleep, it will all be better when you wake up,” she whispers to me.
I know it won’t. I know this doesn’t just go away. It lingers, ebbing and flowing but never leaving me entirely. Not until it takes me to the brink, then it goes away. It has in the past, anyway.
Her lips touch my cheek as her hands flow over my back in gentle waves. This should bring me comfort, but it brings me nothing. I feel nothing.
I can’t imagine Brittany putting up with this for long.
I know I’m going to lose her now that she knows I can sink so deep so quickly.
Her touch is a thing I should be holding onto. I should me making a place in my memory for those times when I miss her.
A humming sound comes from her and I find myself sinking into sleep.
I wonder if she’ll be here when I wake up…
BRITTANY
Morning light drifts through the orange curtains of the motel room. Jason slept the entire night without moving a muscle. It almost as if he’s paralyzed.
I have no idea how seeing what we both saw affected him so differently than it did me.
I held him all night and still am holding him as he makes little snoring noises. Maybe he’ll wake up and be fine this morning. He has to be fine. He’s a very strong man. This makes no sense to me.
; “Let me go,” he growls at me as his body tenses and he wakes up very quickly.
“Okay,” I say as I let him go. “How did you sleep, Pumpkin?”
He rolls away from me and off the bed without answering me.
Pulling the blanket over my head I fight not to cry. I have no idea how to handle this.
The water in the bathroom starts up and I think he might be taking a bath. Maybe that will help clear his head.
The whiskey bottle is on the floor so I get up to see how much of it, he drank. It’s half empty and I take it and put it behind the television, out of sight.
The sound of the water running has me needing to pee really badly so I go into the bathroom and find the shower curtain pulled shut. “Are you okay, Baby?”
He grunts so I know he’s alive, anyway. After I use the restroom, I go to my bag and get the toothpaste and toothbrushes. Going back inside, I say, “I’m putting your toothbrush on the sink. What would you like to go get for breakfast?”
“I’m not hungry,” he says with a gruff tone I’ve never heard before.
“Well, you have to eat. Isn’t that what you always tell me, Baby?” I ease the curtain back a hair and find him lying in the clear water. “That’s a jet tub. You want to me turn on the jets for you?”
“No. Leave me alone. Bring me the bottle.” He doesn’t bother to look at me.
“Oh, you drank the whole thing yesterday. It’ll be noon before the liquor stores open,” I tell him and watch his eyes cut to me.
They go very narrow as he hisses, “Then get me some God damned beer then. Fuck, are you completely useless?”
My body tenses up. “Jason, you can’t talk to me like that.”
His lips form a tight line. “You have no idea what’s going on inside of me right now. I can’t explain it. I just need alcohol to quiet it or I’m going to run.”
“To where?” I ask as my heart pounds in my chest.
“Anywhere, as long as it’s away from you.” He closes his eyes and I pull the shower curtain back into place and leave the bathroom as tears fill my eyes.
I didn’t do a thing wrong. How come he wants away from me?
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I cry but do it very quietly. I can’t let him see me being weak. Whatever this is, he really needs me to be strong or I’ll lose him.
Putting on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, I put a pair of sandals on and grab my purse and the keys and leave the motel room to get him some beer. I don’t think it’s the right thing to do at all but I have no idea what I should do for him.
Getting into the car, I get a terrible feeling about leaving him alone in the bathtub. I get right back out and go back into the motel room. Back into the bathroom I go and say, “If you want beer, you have to come with me. I’m not leaving you here alone, Jason.”
“Just go. I don’t want to go anywhere. God only knows what might happen out there. I can’t take anything right now. Just go.”
I pull the curtain back and see his eyes are red. “Have you been crying?”
“Don’t Brittany.” He closes his eyes. “Just go.”
I have no idea if this is the right way to handle things or not but I just go with my gut. “Get the fuck out of the tub and get dressed. I’m not leaving you here. Hurry up. I’m hungry! Fuck, Jason!”
I slam out of the bathroom and pull something for him to wear out of the suitcase. Remarkably, I hear the water draining from the bathtub. At least he’s getting out of the tub.
Coming out with a towel wrapped around his waist he’s wearing a frown and muttering to himself, “Why can’t she just leave me alone?”
Pointing to the bed, I say, “Put those on and I’m not leaving you alone because I fucking love your ass.”
He huffs and puts on his clothes, never giving me a second look. I wait patiently by the door until he’s done then he moves toward the door. “I’m driving,” he says as he holds his hand out for the keys.
“The fuck you are,” I let him know and go out the door in front of him and straight to the driver’s side.
He looks as if he might try to rush me for the keys, but he changes his mind and gets in on the passenger side. “Look, you need to leave me alone for a while, a week or so.”
With a laugh, I say, “I’m not doing that. As a matter of fact, I’m not taking you to get any beer or anything like that either.”
I pull out of the parking lot as he looks at me with a glare. I’ve seldom seen him look at me that way and it’s more than a bit unnerving. “You damn well better,” he growls at me.
“You damn well better shut up,” I say as I head toward the other side of the small town. I looked on the internet and found the nearest hospital. “Jason, you may have a slight imbalance in your system. Your mother told me about you changing when your grandfather died.”
He slams his fist on the dashboard. “You called my mother? Why the fuck would you do that?”
“Only because I love you and I want to help you. Has there been anything else that made you so depressed and despondent?”
He sits still for a while, looking out the window. The morning is gorgeous. The sunshine is sparkling off the dewy grass and trees. It’s like the air is glistening and the smell is fresh. I can’t really see how anyone could be grouchy, angry, or depressed in these kinds of surroundings.
“When you left. When I hurt you. I went dark then too.”
“How come your mother didn’t tell me about that time?” I ask as I pull onto the street that is supposed to lead me to the hospital.
“She didn’t know. I left town. I left town for a year.” His finger taps his leg and he looks at me. “I just need alcohol and time. Some weed wouldn’t hurt either.”
“Well, I’m not letting you self-medicate, Sweetheart.”
His eyes narrow at me. “I don’t need you to let me do anything. I don’t need you at all.”
The urge to pull over and boot his ass out is hard to overcome but I manage. There is something a little wrong with him and he needs help.
I think about how an animal is hurt and fights you like crazy when you try to help it. It has no idea what you’re doing. No idea you only mean to help it.
Jason has no idea I only mean to help him a much better way than drinking and getting high will. That way is the wrong way, in my opinion. Since I’m the only one in this man’s corner right now, it will be my way.
He looks like he might try to bolt as I turn into the hospital and drive up to the emergency department. “No, Brittany. I’m not going in there.”
“Yes, you are. If they don’t think they can help you, then we’ll go your route. But you’re going to give medical professionals a chance to see if they can help you.” I stop the car and reach for his hand. “I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“What if they put me in a nut house?” he asks with a little fear in his expression.
I’m actually glad to see an emotion on his face. It’s been void of any unless it’s been anger. Maybe the darkness, as he’s calling it, is beginning to see that I’m stronger than it will ever be.
I’m not about to lose this man to anything, another woman, or some mental problems.
“Come on, Baby. This won’t hurt a bit. I’ll be right by your side the entire time. I’m not going to let anything hurt you.”
He nods and we get out of the car. I notice him look toward an open field on the far side of the small hospital. He’s most likely contemplating running. He looks back at me as I take his hand and lead him through the emergency room doors that slide open for us.
My fingers are crossed and my hopes are high.
Chapter 9
JASON
I feel like the weakest man on Earth. Brittany was a witness to the same things I was, and she didn’t fall apart in the least. She was strong for that little girl and now here she is being strong for me.
I’m a failure and she will see that in me now and forever. How can she count on a man who falls so deep into a black hole
and so quickly?
After filling out all the papers, she hands the clipboard to the receptionist and looks back at me. With a pat on my leg, she says, “Everything will be fine, Baby.”
The urge to tell her to stop calling me baby rises up inside of me but I hold my tongue and my volatile temper. I’m furious at her for bringing me here. I can’t believe she would do this to me.
“You two go through those doors on the left there and a nurse will be waiting right there for you,” the older woman says. She looks at me with a little smile. “Seeing horrible things affect us in many ways, Mr. Brennan. Getting help to cope is a smart thing to do.”
I make a huffing sound and get up to follow Britt to the doors that are going to trap me behind them for however long these doctors think I’ll need to be trapped here.
It occurs to me that Brittany has no idea of how my mind works when I get like this. She has no idea of how much time it takes for me to get past things. I have no idea if she’ll feel I’m worth waiting for.
A young nurse meets us just as we walk through the doors and she smiles at me. “Mr. Brennan, follow me, please.” She walks to a small room and turns to me as she gestures to a chair. “Please take this seat and let me get your vitals.”
Brittany stands next to me, her hand on my shoulder in an effort to help me accept the fact I am here and not under my own control any longer. It’s not working at all. “I don’t think I should be here.”
The nurse smiles as she pushes my T-shirt sleeve up and puts a blood pressure cuff on my bicep. “Oh? And why is that?”
“It’s my head that’s fucked up. There’s nothing physically wrong with me.” I watch her pump up the cuff and let the air out slowly while she holds a stethoscope to the crook of my arm.
She makes a little frown and walks away to get the automatic cuff. “Seems to me your blood pressure is a bit on the low side. Let’s just get an accurate reading here, Mr. Brennan.”
The sterile smelling nurse hooks me all up and hits a button and the new cuff inflates as numbers start blinking on the screen. It makes a buzzing sound, and she looks back at me. “Still think there’s nothing physically wrong, Mr. Brennan?”
The Shameless Billionaire Series: Billionaire Romance Box Set (An Alpha-Male, Billionaire, Bad Boy, Bad Girl, Romance) Page 17