by Addison Jane
“I want to make her happy,” I told him, finally feeling my gut settle, and rolling so I was sitting on my ass. “I want to be the best like you and her.”
He chuckled and shook his head, taking a swig of his water. There was sweat at his hairline, and it made me feel good that this time around I’d actually pushed him.
“We aren’t the best. There will always be some asshole who’s bigger and better and who has more control,” he explained, and I listened intently. “It isn’t always about how strong or fast you are. You gotta use other shit, Kace. You need to use your head. You need to be smart.”
“I’m smart,” I objected.
“You are, but the lessons you’re going to learn aren’t always going to be in this room or on these mats.” His face was serious then, his eyes narrowed and deadly. “The lessons you will learn will be out there…” he pointed out the window, “… out in the real world. You’ll learn who to trust. You’ll learn who matters. You’ll learn that not everyone is like us. That there are people out there who would do anything to bring you down.”
“But if I have a team in The Agency, they’ll have my back.”
He shook his head. “Like I said, Kace, you’ll learn who to trust. Trust isn’t a given because we’re on the same team. Everyone is out for themselves and in the end, they’ll put their lives before yours.”
I was stunned as I stared at my father while contemplating his words, letting them sink in and flow through me.
“They have to earn that shit, and so do you. They aren’t going to follow you blindly. You have to show them what you can offer. You have to show them that you have their back, that there’s nothing you wouldn’t do.”
His words empowered me, sending a new wave of strength through my body.
I wanted to prove my worth, prove I was the same man as my father. People looked up to him, they listened to him, they trusted him with their lives. He’d earned that.
And so would I.
I blocked out my aching muscles and pushed to my feet, widening my stance until I felt solid, unmovable, invincible.
“Again,” I demanded.
My father’s lip turned up into a smirk. He tossed his water away, climbing to full height and mirroring my stance. “That’s my boy.”
“Kace! Can you reach the pasta, please!” Lily’s call snaps me out of my haze.
My stomach is already in my throat as I see the image of my dad in my head and hear his voice. He was my fucking hero, he was my idol. While my mom pushed me to be a stronger man, my dad pushed me to be a better man.
I miss him so fucking much that I feel like someone ripped away a part of my soul.
I’m going to make this right.
I’m going to make sure that she feels the same pain for taking him from me, and then I’m going to take Lily, give her the life she deserves and I’m going to be the man my dad wanted me to be.
Fuck Camilla.
She is going down.
Last night I hardly slept, knowing that today is going to be the day my funeral is held, and the fact that we’re attending is really eating at me. Being in pain, both physically and emotionally, is draining. I’m tired, I’m so fucking tired, and being there to support Kace in what he’s going through is what I’m here for. But having your own funeral thrown into the works, well, that’s thrown me. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to hold it together for Kace. He’s struggling with everything as much as I am. However, knowing my family thinks I died in a flaming car wreck, slowly and painfully—I can’t even contemplate their pain.
Taking a deep breath as far in as possible, I sit in the living room nervously waiting for our ride. I watch as Kace paces the room, he’s focused, really focused. I’ve felt the change in him. It reminds me of when we went to see Mark Lunthendale when the shadows started taking him over. What Kace doesn’t realize is that I can feel myself slipping into the darkness now too. His mind is so focused on making things right, he doesn’t see me fading.
Knowing that I’m going to my funeral and seeing my loved ones today isn’t helping with the dark pull. Not being able to touch them and talk to them, not being able to tell them I’m all right, is going to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. Just standing looking from afar down on them grieving for me and knowing that with one simple word, with one simple gesture to let them know I’m alive, it would ease their pain. But that one simple gesture would also put them in harm’s way, and as much as I want to ease their pain I can’t put them in any kind of danger.
I won’t.
The muted hum of a car pulling down the drive alerts us both. Kace rushes to the window and looks out, the tension in his muscles release, which instantly causes me to relax. It must be Luca arriving to pick us up. My relaxed state doesn’t linger for long as I tense up remembering why he’s here.
This whole thing seems absurd to me.
I hate that I have to go.
I wish I could stay here, but Kace can’t keep his eye on me here and he needs his whole team with him. I understand—I don’t like it but I understand.
Footsteps on the porch echo through the cabin, and I stand up as Kace turns. “You ready to go?”
I simply nod because I don’t want to lie and saying yes would be a lie. I’m not ready. How can anyone be ready to watch something like this?
Luca steps into the doorway as Kace opens the door and he grins cheekily. “Wow! Kace man, you look like someone’s died.”
Kace groans. “Luca don’t be a dick. This isn’t the kind of day for joking around.”
Luca glances past Kace at me, his smirk falters and he winces. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”
Kace jolts back like he’s a little surprised by Luca’s words. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
Luca puffs out a big burst of air from his mouth and gestures his head toward me. “Because Lily is obviously not dealing with this, Kace,” Luca replies.
Well, that’s a shock I genuinely thought I was hiding my feelings well. I quickly avert my eyes looking down to the ground trying to hide my face.
“Lily, come here,” Kace’s deep tenor demands, rumbling through the cabin making my insides quiver even more than they already are. Not from fear of the tone but from the appreciation of how sexy he sounds when he’s being forceful. My eyes stay down on the floor as I walk over to him. I don’t want him to know I’m not fine.
“I’m fine,” I lie.
“You’re pale as a fucking ghost,” Luca replies.
“What’s going on? Lily talk to me,” Kace says reaching out for my hand and taking it in his. His thumb grazes up and down the back of my hand tenderly, and it soothes my quivering insides but only slightly.
Swallowing hard, I look up at him. “I haven’t seen my parents for months. This is nothing short of torture because I know they’ll be devastated. When you’re dead you don’t have to watch your family cry at your funeral.” His face falls and his body slumps. “But on the other hand I need to see them, and you need to find out what’s going on and what you need to know to fix this for us.”
“This is for us,” he replies.
Is this for us?
Or is this just him seeking his revenge to make him feel better?
I don’t know and that scares me even more.
Luca looks unconvinced too as he winces and clears his throat. “Okay, let’s go!” Luca waves his hand through the air in a ‘follow me’ action and heads out the door.
Kace looks at me raising his eyebrow and I smile at him and nod. He tightens his grip in my hand and walks us to the SUV. It’s decked out in completely illegal tinted windows I’m sure, and looks more like something you’d see the president arriving at a funeral in, not a pair of dead people. But I’m not complaining. I don’t want to be seen, so this suits me just fine. The car ride is going to take just over an hour and it’s tense as we slide inside the car. The tension continues the entire journey and the closer I get the more I feel like I wanna puke.
&n
bsp; We pull up into some cleared forest land surrounding the cemetery. I know it well from when I was a kid, and I used to come and visit my grandparents’ graves. My brother and I used to play hide and seek in the trees, while my mom and dad cleaned the area around the gravestones and laid the fresh flowers. We step out of the SUV and Kace is half carrying me half helping me walk through the lush greenery and trees on the edge of the hill to see the view of the procession.
Seeing all the people here hits me like a ton of bricks. The air leaves my lungs as I gaze upon my family and friends all standing around, holding tissues and grieving for my loss—a senseless life ended too soon. It’s all a lie. It’s all a sham and I want to run out and yell, scream at the top of my lungs that I’m here, that I’m alive, that their tears are in vain. My chest aches for them and every muscle squeezes in agony watching as they fall apart over me. My eyes well with hot salty water burning my eyes as I gasp trying to get air that just isn’t coming. I’m trying so hard to not show my emotions in front of Kace. I’m trying so hard to keep it together as I fight against my inner demons to stay afloat.
To stay in the light.
My body trembles as Kace holds me to him, obviously sensing my anguish but he seems distracted. Even though his arms are around me and he’s holding me, he feels like he’s somewhere else. I’m trying not to lose it and he’s trying not to break apart from me and run down into the crowd to find his mom. His mind is absent. I know he has a job to do. I know why we’re here, but right now I can’t focus on the bigger picture. That might be selfish of me. I can’t be the strong one right now, not while all my loved ones are here and I’m hurting them in the worst possible way.
Even my boss Steven is here. I had no idea. I thought he hated me, completely. Maybe he’s just paying his respects out of courtesy? I see him walk up to my parents and brother and standing with them is Molly. My stomach flips watching them all together and I let out a small sob as my hand flies to my mouth.
Luca rubs my shoulder in the nicest gesture he’s ever passed over me and sighs. “I gotta go. The wicked witch of the west has flown in on her broom. Watch out for evil flying monkeys,” Luca quips at me apparently trying to get me to smile. It works, kinda. I half-smile as Kace rolls his eyes and Luca winks at me. “I’ll send someone up soon. Kace… keep your cool,” Luca warns and Kace simply nods as Luca walks off in the opposite direction and then down the hill.
My eyes wander back to my family and Molly. Taking a deep breath as I watch them all weep, my chest hurts and I shake my head as tears well in my eyes for their pain.
I hate it.
I hate that I can’t take away their hurt.
My bottom lip trembles and Kace wraps his arm around my waist in a show of support. He seems more with me now.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” he whispers. His lips graze the edge of my ear as he gently kisses it, sending a shiver down my spine.
My hand comes up to wipe away the hot tears burning my cheek. “It’s not your fault.”
He scoffs. “Lily, this is all my fault. If you hadn’t met me you wouldn’t be… well quite frankly, dead right now, for the lack of better words.”
Looking right into his deep blue eyes, I turn to face him. “Kace, if I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t be so alive right now.”
He smiles and shakes his head slightly. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Probably not,” I tease.
He chuckles, pulling me to him then leans in pressing his lips to my forehead tenderly.
I pull back and sigh. “I’m sorry your mom is making this so big.”
He winces and shakes his head with a sigh. “I’m sorry you got dragged into it all, I just hope we can find out what she’s up to. She’s got her hands in something here today, I just can’t for the life of me figure out what.”
“Well, Luca is smart, arrogant, cocky, annoyingly self-absorbed… kinda hot—”
“What?”
“Sorry, joking… kinda. But what I’m saying is he will figure it out. His bad habits, although really annoying make for one kick-ass Operative.”
He raises his eyebrow and smirks. “Mmm… I like it when you use my language.”
“What? Operative?”
He smirks again and nods.
I chuckle and lean into him more. “Operative,” I say again slowly and he grins pulling me to him with a small groan.
“Black Ops,” I say, and he grinds his hips into me making me grin.
“Damn, Lily… thank you. I should be the one distracting you and yet here you are trying to make me feel better… I really don’t deserve you.” He leans in resting his forehead against mine and gazes into my eyes lovingly.
I smile at him and sigh. “I just want you to know I’m on your side. Always.”
He nods against me slowly. “This isn’t permanent, Lily. I’m going to find out what Camilla is up to today, and we’re going to make this right. We’re going to get you back with your family and back to the life you knew. Or as damn close as we can.”
Swallowing hard, I nod. “I know you will, I trust you.” Leaning forward I press my lips to his. That all too familiar tingle shoots straight through my very soul.
Being with Kace is not easy, but loving him is. There’s no denying my feelings, every molecule in my body reacts to him, every time. It’s a chemical reaction and kissing him now feels like the first time. I love this feeling, and this is why even though I feel like I’m drowning in darkness, even though I feel like I’m losing myself, I still feel alive. Kace reminds me that even in the darkness there’s still life. He is my life. He is my breath. And while he’s with me I will fight.
Kace kisses me softly. It’s not a full of passion kiss, it’s more a gentle tender kiss letting me know he’s here for me just as I am for him. Even though his mind is on the job at hand and even though I know he’s distracted, he’s still making a little time for me. Which is why I love him. I pull back and smile as he grins at me with a wink.
“I’m still sorry you’re here… going through this.”
“I know.”
“If I felt safe leaving you at the cabin I would ha—”
“Kace… I know! As much as I hate being here, as much as I dislike seeing them all upset like this, at least I get to see them. I hope after today we’ll know when I’ll be able to see them again, but who knows how long it will be. So at least I get to have this, even if it’s them looking miserable.”
He shakes his head with a huff, but then his eyes casually glance over my shoulder and they harden—his glance goes to a full stare. I turn in his grip to follow his line of sight to see Luca standing next to a black car that’s pulled up on the side of the road. Luca opens the rear door and out steps Camilla with a couple of goons either side of her. My body tenses, and even though I’m not looking at Kace I know he’s tense too. Luca and Camilla begin to talk to each other, and I can just hear muffled sounds coming from Kace’s earpiece while he listens intently, but I can’t make out anything that’s being said.
Camilla pushes past Luca and heads straight toward my parents. Every muscle in my body tenses as I grimace and shake my head. “What’s she doing?” I ask probably too loudly for people who are trying to be inconspicuous.
“Shh… she’s going to offer her condolences,” Kace murmurs softly as we watch her convening with my parents, her face morose like she’s actually somber and upset about our ‘deaths.’
My breathing increases as my heart races dramatically in my chest. Gnawing on my bottom lip as I tap my foot on the lush grass endlessly, I become impatient. “I don’t like this Kace,” I say my tone sounding more pissed off than I meant.
“It’s okay, Lily, just let it play out.”
Camilla leans in embracing my mom and I scoff breaking away from Kace ready to storm down the hill and smack some sense into Camilla myself for touching my family, when Kace’s strong grip wraps around my waist holding me back to him. As he holds onto me I pant heavily while watching Camilla walk to Liam
, my darling brother Liam, but he pushes her away as she leans in. She stumbles back slightly with a look of shock written all over her face as I grin and chuckle slightly.
“Yeah Liam, you can always tell a thorn from a rose.”
“I like your brother already,” Kace says, and I turn half-smiling, then swing back to watch Camilla walk off making the rounds, attempting small talk with my friends and family. Her face seems entirely genuine, she’s perfect at her craft, the ultimate definition of a pathological liar.
I can’t tell if my parents believe her act and I want to scream at them to get away from her. I wriggle from side to side getting antsy and wanting more than anything to run down the hill through the lush forestry we’re hiding in to get to them. But Kace wraps his arms around my waist holding me to him tightly, obviously sensing my frustration.
Camilla finally walks away from my parents, shaking hands and nodding to other family members and friends. As she moves away my mom turns back to the casket that’s meant to be holding my dead body, and I wonder for a second if they can feel that my spirit is not there. It’s hard to imagine that they believe that I’m gone.
Camilla looks at the two goons by her side and motions a hand signal to two tall blond men off to the side close to where we are, but at the bottom of the hill. Camilla and the goons start walking toward them as a sound comes through Kace’s earpiece again, but I can’t make it out as Kace stiffens and turns me to look at him. “Lily, who are the two blond men?”
Furrowing my brows I focus in on them and shake my head slightly. “They look familiar somehow. Not like I’ve seen them before, but as if they look like someone I know or something, but I’m not sure who they are?”
Camilla shakes their hands and is focusing all her attention on the two. The guys are off to the side away from everyone else, so they’re obviously not close to our family. I’m not really sure why they’re here, especially when I have no clue who they are.
“I need to get closer. Lily… stay here! Don’t move. Don’t say anything or bring any attention. I’ll be just over there, I can see you the whole time,” Kace says starting to stealthily head off through the trees toward the men and Camilla.