by Jewel Daniel
It was a month since Kwabena had signed the divorce papers. Tamara had never felt more alone. The house felt big and empty. Her footsteps on the ceramic floor of the kitchen echoed cavernously. Her bed was cold and unwelcoming. Her den was lifeless and empty. She missed Kwabena and the void he filled in her life. It seemed his six-foot-four frame filled the house while he was there. His deep baritone filled the space. His laughter brought warmth and sunshine and made her house a home. Now that he was gone, it was just empty space. She was depressed. Yet she trudged on. She had her job and her classes. Her mother, Aunt Leticia, Darlene and Ebony all wanted to know what happened between Kwabena and her. Her answer was always the same: "He got his green card and I got my money." Simple.
But there was nothing simple about Tamara's life. Her period was late-six weeks late. She had always had irregular periods, but had never missed one for so long. With trembling hands she held up the digital pregnancy test.
"Oh God, no," she cried. "This can't be."
She closed her eyes and screamed silently. She knew exactly when it happened. It was that day in the pool in August. Everything had been spontaneous. They had always been careful about birth control. But that eve ping in the swimming pool they had let their passions guide them.
She looked at the test and stared hopelessly at the floor. For the first time in her life she felt lost and out of control. She had no idea what to do.
Kwabena sat at the bar in Chili's drinking tequila. He had carefully chosen this bar, because he did not want to run into any of his friends. He didn't feel very social tonight-hadn't felt social for the past month. It had been the worst month of his life. He missed Tamara so much. He tried to fill the void with work. It made for a very productive career, but a very achy heart. He tried so hard to get her out of his mind, but he couldn't. He thought of her night and day. He wondered how she was doing. He called a few times, but she never picked up the phone or returned his messages.
A woman came and sat next to him on the bar stool. "Hey, handsome," she said seductively. Kwabena looked at her. She was easy on the eyes, but he had no interest-and he sure didn't even feel like talking.
He nodded distractedly and looked away.
She didn't get the hint. She continued, talking and flirting. He wished she would just shut up and leave. Instead she invited him to some club she was attending later.
"I'm married," he said just to get her to leave him alone. It was not quite true, but it wasn't a lie either. His divorce to Tamara wasn't final. For some reason the papers were never filed. Yet Tamara refused to speak to him or have anything to do with him.
The lady was undeterred. "I don't see a wedding ring. Plus," she swirled her drink with her finger, licking it seductively, "your wife doesn't have to know."
Kwabena sighed, silently wishing her away. Just then he heard a child's voice. "Hi, Uncle Ben."
He looked down and there was Devon standing by his stool. Saved by the kid. "Hello, big man." Kwabena smiled, scooping him up in a giant bear hug. From the corner of his eye he could see the woman slither off her stool, drink in hand, and move to the other side of the bar. He breathed a sigh of relief.
"Why don't you live with Auntie Tammy anymore?"
He smiled. "You ask too many questions. Where are your parents?"
Jordan and the whole brood joined him. They greeted each other stiffly.
"How are you doing?" Kwabena asked Jordan.
"Everything's fine." Jordan looked at him uncomfortably for a while. Since Tamara had told him what happened, he had lost respect for Kwabena.
"How's Tammy doing?"
Becky looked at Jordan. She knew he was angry at Kwabena. When they returned from Jamaica, a very distraught and broken Tamara had told Jordan and Becky about the affair and the divorce. It left Jordan so irate, Becky had to remind him that every coin had two sides. Becky said, "I'll take the kids to the car. Why don't you two catchup on old times?"
As soon as Becky left, Jordan responded coldly, "She's doing fine."
"Be honest with me, Jordan. How is she really doing? Does she need anything?"
"If you're so concerned about her well-being, why don't you call her and ask her how she's doing?"
"I've tried. She never returns my calls."
"And justifiably so."
"What did she tell you?"
"Exactly what happened."
"Jordan, maybe I deserve what happened, but I still at least should be given a chance to explain things to her."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Talk to her for me."
"If you are asking me to be a mediator between you and Tammy, don't expect me to be impartial. Tammy and I grew up together. When I came to this country scrawny and ugly, the butt of every discriminatory joke, Tammy became my friend when no one else would. She is a sister to me. If I have to choose sides, I'll be sitting ringside as Tammy's manager, if not in the ring fighting right beside her."
Kwabena looked at him. "I understand and I'm not asking you to mediate anything. I just want to talk to her."
"What for? To hurt her again? For a highly intelligent man, you are the biggest ass I've ever met. How could you trade in what you had with Tammy for a piece of tail? When you are married, you have to learn to keep your pants zipped. Regardless of how attractive Adeola may be or what history you had together, you had no right sleeping with her while married to Tammy."
"You don't understand."
"What's there to understand?
"Adeola and I have had a very complex relationshipone where fidelity on either side was not often a top priority. Things didn't work out between us. My career wasn't taking off fast enough, I didn't have the kind of status she wanted, so she left. That was three years ago. A year later she moved to Washington, D.C. and we started dating noncommitally. Yes, it continued for a short time after the green card marriage, but, Jordan, once Tammy and I decided to pursue a relationship, I ended it with Adeola. Anything that happened between me and Adeola happened before Tammy and I became intimate."
Jordan studied him for a long time. He appeared to be telling the truth. He'd never known Kwabena to be a liar, but Kwabena was not an open book. As Tamara described him, he was honest, not open. Jordan shook his head. "I could speak to her, but don't expect miracles. You hurt her really badly."
Kwabena nodded. "I know, man, and I wish I didn't."
Jordan shook Kwabena's hand. "Peace," he said and left.
"Tammy!" Jordan called, entering the foyer. He had rung her doorbell multiple times but got no answer, so he'd used his key. He knew she was home because her Lexus was parked in the driveway.
He was concerned. He knew Tamara was depressed and hoped she didn't do something stupid to harm herself. He rushed up the stairs two at a time to the master bedroom. As he opened the door, he saw Tamara sitting on the edge of the bed, staring in shock at three pregnancy test sticks.
"Tammy," he called softly, "are you ok?" He sat on the edge of the bed beside her.
She nodded forlornly. "I'm pregnant," she whispered, sobbing.
"Are you sure?"
"All these sticks can't be wrong," she said.
"Well, you certainly have it covered," he teased, holding her comfortingly. He let her cry on his shoulder, handing her a tissue to dry her eyes when she regained control of herself.
"I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can even handle a baby alone."
"Tammy, you don't have to have this baby alone. I'm sure Ben will help you take care of it... Ben is the father, right?"
Tamara gave him a dirty look. He smiled sheepishly. "Just checking. Some people do crazy things when they're hurt."
"I can't tell Ben. What would I do? Walk up to him and say, `Hey, honey I divorced you, but now I'm having your baby'?"
Jordan laughed. Even in pain Tamara had a sense of humor. "I saw Kwabena today. Tammy, he still loves you, and he wants you back."
"He cheated on me. He and Adeola belong together. We only had a busi
ness deal that went bad when I fell in love with him. Jordan, he used me when he didn't have to."
"Tammy, Kwabena didn't use you. Adeola lied to you." He explained Ben's story.
Tamara looked away. "Jordan, I can't tell Ben about this baby. Promise me you won't tell him please." "Why? He has a right to know if he's going to be a father."
"You don't understand. If I tell him, he will want to do what is right. He will come back for the sake of the baby. We will have another marriage of convenience. Jordan, I don't want to be married because of a green card or money or a baby. They are all the wrong reasons. I want to be married because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Please, Jordan, promise me you won't tell him."
Jordan sighed. Even though he thought she was being idiotic, he understood her logic. "Look, Tammy, I think you're making a huge mistake. You and Kwabena belong together. He deserves to know about his kid. But I will respect your wishes and I won't tell him. However, I'll harass you until you do."
Tamara smiled. She knew she could count on Jordan.
Leyoca looked at her daughter fussing about the kitchen. She had gained a few pounds since she'd last seen her, but Tamara was still much smaller than a year ago. She looked good physically: glowing skin tone, thicker hair. But her eyes were sad. Leyoca shook her head. She wanted her daughter to be happy, not pretend to be having a ball preparing a huge Thanksgiving dinner for a few people. Leyoca had invited her daughter to San Diego for Thanksgiving this year. It would have been only the two of them, since Carl was in West Africa shooting a documentary. But Tamara had resisted, insisting that Leyoca come to Maryland for Thanksgiving.
This year was nothing like last year. The weather was unseasonably warm and the guests were few. Only Leticia, Ebony, her boyfriend and the kids, Darlene and Chris, Leyoca and Tamara were there for Thanksgiving. Jordan and his brood were off visiting Becky's family in North Carolina.
It was a nice dinner, with all American food, except fried plantains, which Tamara's unborn baby craved. Besides Jordan, she'd told no one she was pregnant. Compared to last Thanksgiving with the snow storm and the blackout and dramatic turn of events, this year was uneventful. Everyone reminisced fondly about last year's Thanksgiving. For Tamara it was a painful reminder of what she would forever miss.
The only life-changing event that evening occurred just as dessert was served. Chris got up, looked fondly at Darlene and then addressed the family.
"Last Thanksgiving, I had a little accident," he said, smiling fondly. "I literally bumped into Darlene and lost my heart. Since then I have grown to love Darlene with all my heart. It was the best thing that ever happened to me."
Tamara smiled, remembering the huge mess in her kitchen. Darlene looked at him with starry eyes.
Christopher looked at Darlene tenderly. "Darlene, you've shown me what it's like to be loved and I can't imagine what life would be like without you. You are the star that I wish upon at night. You are the voice of love in my heart. You are the whisper of the breeze in the trees. You are the silver moon glistening on the ocean. You are the words to the song that I sing. You are everything to me."
A lone tear slid down Darlene's cheek as Chris moved from the table, took her hand and got down on one knee. He continued speaking in a soft, melodious tone. "Darlene, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. With your family's blessing, Darlene, will you marry me?"
Darlene smiled through tears, holding her hand over her heart. In an almost inaudible voice filled with emotion, Darlene whispered, "Yes, Chris, oh yes!"
Tamara felt tears well up in her eyes. She wasn't certain whether they were tears of joy or sorrow. She was happy for them, but she couldn't deny the ache in her heart or the yearning for Kwabena to be there at this moment. It was a moment she felt they should have shared together.
After everyone left, Tamara retired to her room, but could not sleep. She heard her mother next door packing for her flight the next day. Quietly she slipped through the French doors and out onto the balcony. She looked at the darkened woods beyond her backyard and the myriad stars twinkling silently in the sky. Tears came to her eyes. How many nights had she and Kwabena sat in those same papasan chairs and talked, or just silently held each other while listening to the night creatures.
She sipped some herbal tea left over from Kwabena's batch so many months ago. She ached for him. Scenes of last year's Thanksgiving flitted through her mind. She remembered how they sat with his arms around her by the fireplace while his parents told Anansi stories. She remembered when he walked out of the bathroom, and she'd seen him naked for the first time and had been thankful that the dimness of the candlelight hid her embarrassed blushing. She remembered how he touched her hair and braided it; his hands were so soft and gentle. She smiled as she recalled how she dressed up in her sexy nightgown for him only to find him asleep. It was going to be a hard year.
"You miss him, don't you?"
Tamara looked up and saw her mother standing in the doorway. She wore a terry robe over flannel pajamas, and very comfy slippers. Her mother stepped out onto the balcony. "The holidays and anniversaries are always the hardest," she continued.
Tamara smiled and sipped on her tea. "No use crying over spilled milk, right?"
"Not when you can do something about it. Do you still love him?"
Tammy nodded in response.
"Go to him. Tell him how you feel."
"I can't go back, Mommy. We had a deal and it's over."
"I'm not buying that. What you had was a real marriage. And I know Ben still loves you and wants you. You're just not giving him the chance."
"And how would you know that?"
"I had dinner with him last night," Leyoca answered, measuring her words carefully.
She knew Tamara hated when she meddled in her life, but she felt Tamara wasn't telling her the truth about the divorce, so she had Kwabena pick her up at the airport and they went to dinner. Leyoca, as usual, wasted no time in getting to the point. She'd asked him what happened between him and Tamara. He had given the same answer about the business-deal nonsense, which she told him was crap. That's when he admitted he screwed up. Leyoca always knew, once a man admitted he screwed up it involved another woman. "Is it the lady in the white bathing suit from the barbecue?" she'd asked, remembering the feeling she'd gotten after seeing his reaction to her. He nodded yes. Then he explained their history and the reason Tamara kicked him out. She finally asked him if he still loved her daughter. He looked her in the eyes and said, "I never stopped loving Tammy. I don't think I know how."
Tamara looked up at her mother, who leaned against the banister. "Did he tell you he cheated on me?"
"Tamara, the two of you weren't involved at the time, even if you were legally married. I'd hardly call that cheating."
Tamara sucked in her breath. "I know. But that's not the whole story. They didn't end their relationship after we became intimate, Mommy. She told me that their relationship never ended."
"Tamara, have you considered for one moment that this girl was lying to you, manipulating you so that you would drive him right into her open arms?"
Tamara looked over at the woods. It was as if the weight of the earth crushed her. She had thrown away her marriage because she didn't trust Kwabena enough. She sighed deeply, letting the crisp air sting her nostrils. "It's too late now. I didn't believe him when he tried to explain it to me. I just didn't trust him anymore. You know what sucks big time, Mommy? I'm pregnant. I'm alone and pregnant."
"Is it Kwabena's?"
Tamara shot her mother a dirty look. Like Jordan, Leyoca backtracked immediately. "Tammy, people do irrational things when they feel hurt and betrayedlike jumping in bed with another man."
"Well, I didn't, nor did I have the desire to. Mommy, I'm so scared."
Her mother went over and hugged her. "It's going to be alright. Does Kwabena know?"
Tamara shook her head.
"You have to tell him. You ha
ve to make him a part of the baby's life."
"Mommy, I can't tell him. I can't. I'll just raise my baby alone."
"Tammy, don't be irrational. Being a single parent is the most difficult thing for a person. I'm not thinking just about for you, but for the baby."
"Granny did it, you did it, Auntie Let did it, Jordan's mother did it, Ebony is doing it."
"Tammy, we did it because we had no choice in the matter. Momma was a single mother because Pa died when we were little. Leticia did it because Darlene and Ebony's father landed in prison. As for Ebony, if single motherhood was her choice, she wouldn't have La'Mont in court so often for child support."
"What about you Mommy? What's your story?"
Leyoca looked away. A pained expression came over her face. She swallowed hard and spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. "I was not a single mom by choice. During our teens, Let and I were as different as night and day. She was vivacious, promiscuous and full of life. I was strictly academic-best in my class, on the debating team, you name it. In regards to sex, I took the moral high ground: no sex before marriage. I even led a group that used that as our mantra-celibate by choice. But then I met Charles. He was not some little schoolboy. He was a college man-a senior at Georgetown University, a member of the debating society. He had light skin with straight hair, as close as one could come to being white without being white. He came from a family with enough money to send him to Georgetown University. I fell for him hook, line and sinker. When Momma met him and told me he was too mature for me, I got angry with her. I was in love. Then I invited him to my junior prom. I was so excited. I had my handsome, though short, college man. After the prom he took me back to his fraternity for a party. Everything was going well until he took me up to his bedroom. He wanted me to have sex with him. At first I said no, but when he was finished telling me how much he loved me, how much this act would complete us and make us one, I was willing to do anything he asked. So I willingly tossed aside my convictions and I made love to him. A month later when I discovered I was pregnant, I told him, certain he would marry me and we'd live happily ever after. He gave me some money and told me to get rid of it. He didn't want anything to do with me or a baby. That's when I discovered he was engaged to a woman who, in his words `could help him get along in life.' 11