by J Grayland
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
“You know what the hardest part to read was?” I asked, looking at him as he slowly shook his head. “She was the one who decided not to pay the ransom, and she was so happy that she didn’t have to think about me again, she fucked up my life and gave me to that fucking rapist to torture for almost three years, Nate. And do you know how much it would have cost her for me to have had a normal life, instead of one that included me being tortured, starved, raped and beaten half to death? $10,000. That’s all she had to pay. Ten lousy fucking thousand dollars, Nate. Why would someone do that to a child?”
“Because she was evil, Casey, and that’s why both she and your father got their justice in the end.”
“Yeah, well I hope she fucking died in pain,” I said, standing up and dropping the diary onto the flames. I watched in silence as the leather smoldered and curled under the intense heat until the pages inside caught aflame. “Now, you can burn in hell, you fucking bitch,” I spat, wrapping my arms tightly around my middle.
“You’re free of her, baby. You have been for a long time. You’re strong, and you have a new family now, one that loves you more than words will ever be able to express.”
“But am I, Nate? Am I free of her? Because it feels like no matter what I do, I will always be tied by my wrists to her and what happened. I thought I had found freedom, but once again, she’s made everything twisted again,” I said. Looking up at him, the tears that I had managed to keep contained by my anger burst free, and I could feel their wetness running down my cheeks, but before I could say anything else, he had me enclosed in his strong arms.
“That’s it, baby. Let it all go,” Nate whispered at my temple.
And with his words, I did. I cried hard with shuddering sobs like I’d never cried before because in reality, I never had. I cried for the unwanted child, I cried for the abused child, and I cried for the forgotten child. My heart broke for all of those lost years that I could never get back, and when I thought I had finished, the pain resurfaced again and again, reigniting the torrent of emotion that I had kept locked inside for all of those years. Always blaming myself for being worthless, broken, and unworthy of anything, always searching for something that was missing. After reading her diary, I finally realized that it wasn’t me that was worthless and broken. It was them. My parents. They were the ones unworthy of ever having a child.
My hands fisted tightly at the front of Nate’s shirt and my cheek pressed against his chest. My endless tears had soaked the front of his shirt, and the whole time I had been falling apart, he was there to hold me together.
I could feel the strength in his arms and in his low words of comfort as he spoke them against my temple. This man had once again given me the freedom to cut the bindings of my past and free myself at last. Exhausted and emotionally drained, I felt myself starting to crumble, but before I could slide away from his body, he hooked an arm around the back of my knees and scooped me up into his arms, walking back up the beach and into the house.
Chapter Forty-three
Nate
Watching my girl fall apart sent a spear of pain right through my heart. As hard as it was to feel the pain shuddering through her body as she sobbed in my arms, I think that it had been a long time coming, and it might have been just what she needed. I held her tight as she cried. I needed her to feel me. I wanted her to know that I was right here with her, so I gently stroked her soft hair and planted soft kisses at her temple and over her wet cheeks, attempting to soothe her pain as much as I could. But how could I soothe away a pain that had been ingrained in her for her whole life? I felt so fucking hopeless. I wished her parents were still alive just so I could kill the motherfuckers myself. I was lost as to how I could take away this pain from her, so I did the only thing I could. I picked her up into my arms and carried her up the beach and into the house. She was still clinging to my shirt with ferocity when I gently placed her feet back on the ground in the bathroom and turned on the water to fill the bathtub. Sliding my fingers over hers, I brushed away the tension in them and gently undressed her. With her head bowed and silent, I lifted her into the bath and bathed her, washing away not only the sand from her body and the smoke from her hair, but hopefully, some of her pain.
Once she was wrapped in a towel, I pulled one of my t-shirts over her head and guided her in between the sheets, laying down next to her before taking her back into my arms. No words were needed at that moment. Everything was said with just touch. I stroked her hair tenderly until I felt her body relax and her breathing took on a deep, slow rhythm, telling me that she had fallen into a deep sleep. I slowly extricated my arms from around her and left her to sleep, quietly closing the bedroom door behind me. Heading into the kitchen, I grabbed a cold bottle of beer from the refrigerator, flipped the cap, and took a long pull from the bottle. The chill of the amber fluid cooled my anger toward what Casey had been through. Taking my beer with me, I picked up my phone, went outside, sat on the back deck, and dialed Lynda’s phone number.
She picked up on the third ring with an anxious, “Nate?”
“Yeah, are you busy?”
“I am never too busy for you. Is everything alright? How’s Casey?”
“Yeah, she’s fast asleep at the moment. I’m pretty sure she’s going to feel like crap in the morning.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Let’s just say it hasn’t been a great night,” I said, sighing into the phone.
“Why, what happened?” Lynda asked.
“It seems she has been reading a diary that belonged to her mother, and she got the answers to most of her questions.”
“A diary?”
“Yeah. When we were in Sydney, it turned up in a box that was left at her childhood home, along with some old photos. She threw everything else away, but obviously, she kept the diary.”
“Ah, Jesus, Nate. Was it bad?”
“I’m guessing it was with the small pieces of information that came out tonight. I mean I guessed that her parents were pieces of shit, but it appears her mother was pretty much a monster.” I heard Lynda draw in a sharp gasp.
“And it looks like she gave Casey a raw narrative on how much she didn’t want a baby in her life, right up until she decided to basically give her 14-year-old daughter to her rapist.”
“What?” Lynda gasped.
“Yeah, I know. It sounds pretty fucked up, but that’s what it boils down to. Her mother was abusive and neglectful, and when her daughter was kidnapped, she made the decision not to pay the ransom,” I said through gritted teeth.
“God, that’s terrible, Nate. How can a mother do that to a child? Poor Casey. She’s been through so much. It doesn’t seem fair that one person should have to endure so much pain in their life.”
“I know.”
“So, how are you doing?” Lynda asked with concern.
“Yeah, well, that’s why I called you.”
“Ah, I see. So you needed a sounding board, huh?” she said.
“Something like that. I just want to take it all for her, you know?”
“I know, but you can’t. And maybe, although it was a painful experience, it might have actually been what she needed, Nate. Maybe it’s come full circle for her now, and she just needs to do some healing.”
“I really hope so.”
“You just keep doing what you’re good at.”
“What’s that?”
“Loving her. That’s all you have to do right now. Just let her know how much she’s loved and needed by you and by us, and just be patient.”
“See, I knew there was a reason I wanted to talk to you,” I said, smiling into the phone.
“What can I say, I am just an awesome sister-in-law,” Lynda chuckled.
“You certainly are that. Thanks, Lynda.”
“Anytime,” she said before we said goodnight, a
nd I polished off the rest of my beer.
The sound that woke me the next morning was far from a pleasant one. I opened my eyes to an empty space next to me and the sound of heaving and groaning coming from the bathroom. I got up and went in to the sight of Casey hugging the toilet bowl as her body heaved out empty the contents of her stomach. Moving to her, I gathered her hair in my hand and moved it away from the target zone until she had nothing else left to come out. She sat back onto the bathroom floor, leaning her head against the wall. Wetting a cloth, I wiped her face down.
“Feel better?” I asked her.
“Oh, my God. Remind me never to drink scotch again,” she groaned before taking the wet cloth from me and scrubbing at her face.
Helping her to her feet, she tentatively moved to the sink where she rinsed out her mouth, brushed her teeth, and pulled her long, loose hair into a messy looking bun on the top of her head. When she turned around to look at me, she looked completely washed out from the night before.
“Thank you,” she said, placing her palm against my cheek.
“For what?”
“For being here and putting up with my shit,” she said and rolled her eyes. Pulling her into my arms, I kissed the top of her head.
“Don’t sweat it, baby. Come on, let’s go get some breakfast,” I said, leading her out and down to the kitchen. I sat her at the table and placed a glass of water and two Tylenol in front of her. “Take those, and I’ll cook you up an omelet,” I said, heading back into the kitchen.
“I’m not sure I can handle eggs at the moment,” she said as she downed the Tylenol.
“Tough, that’s what you’re getting. You need to put something back into that empty stomach,” I said, pointing a finger at her.
“Aren’t you going to be late for work?” she asked.
“Nice try, sweetheart, but I’m taking the day off.”
“Please don’t, Nate. I’ll be fine,” she half groaned.
“I know you’ll be fine because I’ll be here to take care of you,” I said as I flipped the omelet onto a plate with some toast and put it down in front of her.
Chapter Forty-four
Casey
Looking up at Nate, I tried to give him my best doe-eyed look of mercy, but all he said was, “Eat,” and pointed down at the fluffy, yellow omelet on the plate. I expected to gag on the first mouthful, but I was surprised when it went down with a tasty swallow, and before I knew it, my plate was empty. Nate sat back into his chair and took a sip from his coffee cup.
“Feel better?” he asked over the top of the cup.
“Surprisingly, yes,” I said, smiling.
“So, I was thinking that we would relax and take it easy today. Maybe go for a walk down the shoreline, then come back and talk,” he said, with one eyebrow raised.
“Talk? Do we have to?” I said.
“Yep.”
“Okay,” I said, dragging the word out slowly and looking at him through narrowed eyes.
“Well, I was thinking that this is something that we really need to talk about, get it all out and…fuck. I don’t know, try and make some sense of it all. Remember, no secrets, and we promised to talk about things.” Nate said, rubbing a hand through his hair.
“I’m pretty sure you know all of my secrets. Not much more to tell. Well, I hope there isn’t anyway.”
Standing up, Nate picked up both plates and placed them in the sink, then came back to the table. “Come on, let’s take that walk.”
Sighing in defeat, I stood and went into the bedroom to change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, then joined Nate and Chance, who were standing on the beach at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for me. As soon as my feet hit the sand, Nate took my hand and threaded our fingers together as we walked past the remnants of last night’s fire, down to the water’s edge, and along the shore. Nothing was said while we walked. We just enjoyed the warm sun, the clear, blue sky, and the fresh smell of the clean ocean air as the breeze whipped around us. It was nice and calming, and that, along with breakfast, made me feel so much better.
When our walk was over, Nate stayed true to his word, and we sat on the couch. I turned to face him with my legs crossed under me.
“So, what do you want to know?” I asked him.
“Well, you could start with the diary.”
“I brought it with me, intent on reading it, although I did go back and forth with that decision for a while. I suppose in the end, it was just too tempting. Look, I know it sounds stupid, but I thought by reading it, I might get a different picture of my parents. I mean, they always treated me like I was invisible, and I don’t know, I thought maybe I would find a reason or something. Not that there is ever a good reason to treat another human being, let alone a child, like they did.”
“No, there isn’t,” Nate said stiffly.
“I guess I thought that maybe she had some kind of mental issue going on, or that her relationship with my father was abusive or something. I don’t know, just something,” I said, exasperated.
“So what did you find?”
Taking a deep breath, I gave Nate the short version of what was in the diary, I didn’t want to go too much into detail because just with the words I had spoken, his body language went through several different stages of tension. Not to mention his facial expressions. Tight lips, furrowed brows, and his eyes were like windows filled with raging anger that I knew he was keeping a tight rein on until I finished telling him what made me go down onto the beach last night and build a fire.
Shrugging, I said. “I found out was that my mother was exactly what I always thought she was. A selfish, self-absorbed, evil bitch. I also realized that I didn’t do anything. It wasn’t my fault, it was theirs,” I said, looking up into Nate’s eyes, which were now filled with sympathy and understanding.
“You see, I’ve always thought that it was my fault. That I had done something to cause them not to want me, but I hadn’t.” Nate reached out and stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers.
“Baby, how could you have done anything wrong? The only thing you did was be born to a couple of abusive parents, who had no right to do what they did.” As he spoke, I felt the tension in his body start to appear, and I placed my hand on top of his as he stroked my face.
“Nate, please don’t be angry about something that you had no control over.”
“I’m trying hard not to, babe,” he said as he continued to stroke my cheek tenderly.
“I’m sorry about last night. I needed a bit of liquid courage to finish reading it, and then all I could think about was getting rid of it for good. I suppose I thought it was only fitting that the spawn of the devil needed to burn in hell,” I said, looking down at my hands that were now rubbing against each other.
“Hey, look at me,” Nate demanded, placing a finger under my chin and tilting my face up to his.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Reaching out both arms, he pulled me onto his lap and close into his body. We sat like that for a few moments in silence, until I whispered into his chest, “I told you I was broken.” His body stiffened at my words.
“No, baby, you’re far from being broken. You are the strongest person I have ever met in my life. I mean, how many people can go through what you went through and survive? Think about it. You have fought your whole life, starting from the womb, for fuck’s sake. And still, after everything you endured, you picked yourself up and put yourself through medical school. Hell, you even took a contract to work overseas under conditions that some soldiers wouldn’t work in. All your parents ever did for you was donate some biological material, but everything you are and everything you have become is down to you. You did it, no one else. So listen to me when I tell you you’re not broken. You are perfect, and better still, I’m the lucky bastard that gets to keep you.” Slowly, I traced a finger over the lines of muscle under his t-shi
rt.
“So, does that mean you don’t want to trade me in then?” I said, looking up at him sheepishly.
“Not yet,” he chuckled. “Although, I might think about it if you keep hiding things from me. If there’s something on your mind, you need to talk to me, okay? You need to learn to share the load.”
“I will, I promise. I just want it all to go away. I’m tired of it hanging around my neck like an anchor, and honestly, I really didn’t think reading the diary was going to devastate me as much as it did.”
“Yeah, well, I think that was a long time coming. I have a feeling you needed to cry it all out for once instead of putting on the tough act and keeping it all inside,” he said, touching my nose with the tip of his finger.
“It’s not an act, you asshole,” I laughed, giving him a light slap against his chest.
“Whatever,” he sighed before continuing. “Just remember, we are your family now, and this is the time for you to have control and steer your happiness in the direction that I tell you to.” I stared at him, wide-eyed, with my mouth gaping open until he couldn’t keep the laughter in any longer. “Just kidding, babe,” he said as he pulled me further up his body and planted his mouth on mine with a searing kiss. “I love you, babe,” he said against my lips.
“And I love you,” I said, kissing him back.
Over the next couple of weeks, life settled down more and more every day. Nate was right. Since that night on the beach when I sobbed out my pain, I felt so much lighter in my body, mind, and soul. I felt as though I had purged myself of a lifetime of tears that I had never shed before. Nate and I spent almost that whole day relaxing and talking about anything and everything until he was satisfied that my diary burning decision was the best thing I could have done. For me, it was a symbolic end to my past and a new beginning with Nate.
I started working at the free clinic two days a week, and I was enjoying it immensely. I loved being part of a team again, and on the days that it wasn’t so busy, we had a lot of fun, joking around and gossiping. For the first time in my life, I actually felt more like a normal woman than I ever had. Lunches with Lynda, shopping expeditions with Carmel almost every Monday morning to some obscure market she would find for us to hang out at, and babysitting Emily once a week made me feel whole again. And the best part of my life was spending time with Nate, who I had convinced into taking Chance into work with him on the days that I worked at the clinic. Yeah, he bitched at first, but he still bought Chance his own bed to sleep on in the corner of his office. On Sundays, Nate and I would go out for a drive. Well, I drove, and he white-knuckled himself to the seat. Not sure why, considering it was his idea in the first place. He said it was time I learned to drive American-style, and it would give me more freedom and the independence to get around whenever I needed instead of having to be chauffeured around everywhere. I had to admit, I was a little shocked that he was also learning to chill out and not worry so much about me. Well, just a little bit anyway. I did like his alpha protectiveness, especially in the bedroom. Life was good, at last.