Pia,
You’re right, I should just tell her how I feel. However, something is holding me back. I look at her and I want to be the man she deserves, and I don’t know if I’m there yet. By dating other women, I am slowly finding out what I want and how I should treat a woman. I know it probably doesn’t make much sense, but I think it’s helping.
Jack
I respond to Jack’s e-mail, asking him how he thinks it’s fair to date other women and get their hopes up, even though he knows he’s not actually interested. I’m frustrated because even though I’m starting to view him as a friend, I can’t help but feel disgust for the way he’s treating his hopeful dates.
After I send my message, I sit and wait for Dale to come back to the table. I keep glancing in the direction of the bathrooms, but I have yet to see any sign of him. After thirty minutes, I begin to worry. Finally, I get up and walkto the bathroom, worrying that he may actually be sick. After peeking into the men’s bathroom, I see that he isn’t inside. I look around the dining area, bar, and patio, wondering if he could have stepped outside to make a call. I quickly pull out my phone and call him to no avail; I leave a short message and ask him to call me back.
I walk back to my table, thoroughly confused. I take my seat again, trying to decide if I should be worried, angry, or both. I try texting him in a futile attempt to find out where he’s gone.
After a few minutes, our waitress returns and asks me if I’d be interested in dessert. I decline, asking her if she’s seen my date anywhere. She gives me a puzzled look.
“He left, ma’am.”
“He what?” I ask. I shake my head and politely ask her to repeat herself.
“Your date left an hour ago, ma’am. Would you like to see a dessert menu, or would you just like the check for the evening?”
I am furious. Dale had purposely ordered as many plates of expensive food as possible, planning to leave and dump the check on me from the very beginning.
“Just the check, please,” I say, trying my best to maintain a straight face by concealing my growing rage.
Chapter 19
I am sitting in a salon with Skyler, watching as she tries out different hairstyles for the wedding. I’m here to give my opinion, and I am excited to help her choose a style to wear on her special day. She and I are gossiping about my most recent dates as the hairdresser twirls her hair into a bun. After hearing my story about Dale, they both start laughing hysterically.
The hairdresser asks me, “How do you keep meeting all of these fools?”
Skyler quickly answers, “She meets them all on Chat Love.” I give her a glare, angry at her for blowing my cover. She just rolls her eyes. “Get over it, Lu. It’s just a dating site. It’s not like it’s a cult or something.”
The hairdresser adds, “Don’t feel bad; I use it too, honey, and I have met some fine men that way.”
I mumble, “Why is it always easier for you gay men?”
He giggles and starts attaching little crystals to Skyler’s hair. “Sweetie, I don’t know who told you that it’s easier if you’re gay, but if I can find a decent man through Chat Love, then you should definitely be able to. I mean, just look at you; you’re gorgeous! Maybe you’re being too picky, or maybe your heart already belongs to someone else.” I feel my face flush and I notice Skyler giving me a knowing look. The hairdresser continues, oblivious. “Or maybe you’re just a lesbian and you don’t know it yet.” He giggles.
I chuckle. “I don’t think that’s it. I even went out with a lesbian once, and I’m still single.” He and Skyler both look at me, surprised, as I explain the story of my night out with Casey.
After laughing at the ridiculous story, the hairdresser reminds me, “You never know; sometimes love shows up in the strangest places.” He winks and continues to toy with Skyler’s hair.
A few minutes later, Skyler’s hair is complete. She turns to face me with a smile, asking for my opinion. I bite my lip and try to choose my words carefully. The stylist has scattered tiny crystals throughout her hair, and it almost makes Skyler look like a teenager going to the prom. I’m not sure how to explain this to her without hurting her feelings, so I just tilt my head, trying to form a sentence that won’t get me into trouble.
She immediately notices my hesitation and begs for honesty. Nervously fiddling with my own hair, I finally confess to her my true feelings regarding the style. I quickly add, “But it’s your wedding, and I think that you should do whatever you want. It doesn’t matter what I think.”
She takes another long look in the mirror and nods her head in agreement. As she sits back down in the chair, she politely asks the stylist to remove the crystals and leave the bun. Once he does, her hair looks gorgeous and sophisticated, matching both her style and personality perfectly.
Skyler and I are sharing lunch at a café nearby, making the most of our outing. As she repeats to the waitress that she’ll be footing the bill, I ask her again to please let me pay for my own meal.
“You don’t have to take me to lunch; I can pay for my food.” I say
She shakes her head stubbornly. “Will you just shut up already? This is my way of thanking you for tagging along today. Trust me; you’ve already earned it from listening to me talk about the wedding.”
I laugh. “Well, you aren’t nearly as bad as my sister was. She was a true bridezilla.”
“I’ll bet she was.” Skyler agrees, laughing. “How is her pregnancy going?”
“The same,” I say, thinking about my sister’s personality. Gabriella is a true diva. When she started dating Tony in high school, she made it known that she wouldn’t accept anything less than the royal treatment. Of course, Tony had hung on her every word, making sure to jump at her slightest call. When they’d gotten engaged, she had made sure that she’d gotten the exact ring that she’d wanted. She had even made Tony return his original choice in order to exchange it for her ideal ring. I’d hated every step of their marriage process, and my sister had only made it worse by frequently calling me at all hours of the evening to discuss things such as color schemes, seating charts, and floral arrangements. Even after the wedding, things hadn’t changed much. When they’d first purchased their home, I was their go-to painter and assistant, and I had helped them without complaining. Now, however, I’m having a difficult time keeping my complaints to myself, as her pregnancy hormones have turned her into a lunatic.
The frequent calls to ask my opinion are something that I can handle, but what really annoy me most are my sister’s jabs. She constantly makes a point to rub every new baby development in my face, only because she knows that it bothers me. New crib? Let’s call Lucia and tell her all about it! Sonogram? Let’s brag about how quickly the baby is growing! Although I’m happy for her, my sister is very quickly getting on my last nerve, and I fear that spending any more time with her will make me explode.
Wanting to avoid unnecessary gossip, I tell Skyler that my sister is doing well and I’m grateful when the waiter brings us a basket of bread. I had forgotten to eat breakfast, and I am starving. Last night I had paid the excessively large bill for dinner and gone straight home, placing what was left of the expensive food in the fridge. I’d noticed that Autumn was still out, and I’d purposely stayed in this morning to try figure out where she’d spent the night. For some reason, my roommate is hiding her mystery man from me, and I have no idea why. Wanting to think about something else, I pull out my phone and begin scanning through my recent Chat Love e-mails. I spot a new message from Jack and I open it, interested to see what he thought of my latest reply.
Pia,
I know that it seems as though I’m being selfish and you’re right—I am. However, I make a point to be straightforward with all the women I date, and so far they’re all pretty willing to help me. Not too long ago, I was in a relationship with a woman whom I adored. She had my heart and my soul, and I was broken when the relationship suddenly ended. I felt a pain that I’d never known before, and it chan
ged me. For weeks I sat in my apartment, doing nothing but eating and watching television; I would only leave to go to work and to walk my dog. Eventually I realized that I was going to have to leave my home country, if I ever wanted any hope of getting over her. Everything there reminded me of her, and I just couldn’t escape the memories. So I left, and I closed myself off when I arrived here in the States, afraid of getting hurt again.
My biggest worry is that I’ll be hurt again, because I know that the woman I work with has the potential to hurt me in the same way that my ex did. I’m just not sure if I would be able to handle it if she did, and so I guess I’m looking for an easy way out. Falling for one of the women I meet online would protect me from any heartache that could be caused by the woman at work, and I’m not sure if that isn’t what’s best for me.
I hope you don’t think poorly of me. In fact, I hope that we can be friends, because I’ve already learned so much from your advice. Thanks, and I hope we can speak more soon.
Jack
I respond with sympathy, making sure to remind Jack that I don’t think poorly of him. In fact, I’m starting to respect him more with each message because of his honesty. I agree to keep in touch, excited about the prospect of gaining a new friend. I tell him about my recent date with Dale, and I make sure to include as many details as possible in an attempt to make him laugh and cheer him up. I’m laughing myself as I finish typing the story, even though I’d still really like to kick Dale in the balls. I suddenly realize that I’ve been so engrossed in my own thoughts that I’ve been completely ignoring Skyler for the past fifteen minutes.
“Lucia?” I hear Skyler say impatiently. “Will you put your phone down and look at me for just one minute?” she asks. I apologize and put my phone back in my bag, giving her my full attention. She looks down and twists her engagement ring around her finger, fiddling nervously.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, sensing her discomfort.
“Jackson asked if he’d be allowed to bring a date to my wedding,” she says quickly, looking down at her hands to avoid making eye contact.
I feel my heart pounding in my ears as I fight a wave of frustrated tears. Jackson would bring another woman; it’s just his style. He probably has an entire pocketbook filled with the names and numbers of ladies dying to leap into his bed. I feel so stupid.
After lunch with Skyler, I return home and lock myself in my room. I notice that Jack is logged on to Chat Love’s instant messenger, and I send him a friendly hello. After exchanging pleasantries, we begin talking about other things, and eventually end up spending hours just discussing our childhoods, favorite memories, and hopes for the future. Jack reminds me so much of Jackson, and I wonder if it has something to do with why I feel so drawn to him. I feel as though I’m slowly losing Jackson, and the thought makes me sad. For a moment I consider asking Jack to come to Skyler’s wedding as my date, but I decide against it when I remind myself that I haven’t actually met him in person yet. I’m hoping that I meet someone presentable in the upcoming week, because I definitely don’t want to go alone to a wedding when I know that Jackson will be bringing a date.
This week’s schedule includes four dates with four new men: Spencer, Carl, Mick, and Mike. I decide that until I meet them in person, I’ll simply refer to them as Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
My Wednesday date with Spencer starts off pleasantly but quickly takes a turn for the worse when I notice that he frequently leaves to go to the restroom. I’m trying to figure out why when he suddenly returns to our table after what must be his fifth bathroom break. I immediately notice that his nose is coated with a thin layer of white powder. This time, I am the one to excuse myself from the table, but I have no intention to return. If there’s one thing I don’t tolerate, it’s drug addiction.
I spend the following evening out with Carl, a recently divorced man who works in construction. I quickly conclude that Carl is in need of a therapist more than a date, as he begins ranting about his awful ex-wife. Carl has a tough exterior, with a shaved head and the body of a power-lifter, but it only serves to mask an extremely sensitive personality. To say the least, watching a grown man cry into his pasta isn’t exactly my idea of an enjoyable evening.
The next night features a short-lived excursion with Mick, whom I barely get to know because he can’t be bothered to put his phone down long enough to actually have a conversation. Chat Love continues to disappoint, despite my best attempts at being optimistic.
Although I’m no longer looking forward to the date, I still go out on Saturday to meet the last of this week’s collection: Mike, a handsome pediatrician. Thankfully, I find out that he is also a perfect gentleman. Mike is an Italian man with looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, and, like me, he’s looking to get married and have children in the near future. I’m pleasantly surprised to discover that we have many things in common, and I slowly begin to realize that he is quite a catch. Every time he touches my hand, I feel a tingle of excitement, and I can already tell that he’d make a perfect date for Skyler’s wedding. I decide to wait to ask him, planning to casually bring it up on our next date.
Several days later, I am at work, happily chatting with Skyler about my date with Mike. He and I are planning to go out again tonight, and we’ve been talking on the phone frequently since our first date. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Jackson eavesdropping on my conversation with Sky, and I make no attempt to conceal my excitement regarding Mike. Of course, Jackson spends the rest of the day behaving rudely, and seeing his obvious jealousy gives me a small amount of satisfaction.
Although I’ve been preoccupied with Mike, I’ve still been making a point to exchange messages with Jack each day. I open my inbox to find a new message waiting for me, and I begin reading.
Pia,
This woman at work is driving me crazy. Just when I start to think that I might be getting over her, I hear her talk about another man and I feel nothing but jealousy. I want so badly to just kiss her and tell her how I feel, but frankly I’m scared shitless. When did I become such a pussy? Because that is what I am—a pussy. Pia, she is driving me insane, but luckily I have your e-mails to help keep me grounded.
You’ve quickly become a person whom I look forward to talking to, every day. Every time my phone buzzes to tell me that I have a new e-mail, I secretly hope that it is from you. I’m slowly coming to realize that I’m developing honest, pure feelings for you. This morning, thinking of you helped to bring me comfort when I was upset by my coworker’s discussion about another man, and I would like to feel that same kind of comfort more often.
I know that I am not the ideal man for you, but I want you to know that I’m feeling something real for you. Even though we’ve never even met, I feel like a man trying to court a lady with words in a letter like the old days, and I look forward to your every response.
I hope that this message doesn’t scare you, but I wanted you to know that you’ve been on my mind lately. I can’t help but imagine what your voice sounds like, and what it might feel like to embrace you.
Pia, I’m not quite ready to meet you yet, but I would definitely like to in the future. Would that be all right with you? Please be honest with me; don’t spare my feelings.
Sincerely,
Your Jack
Shit. After I finish reading, I am torn. As luck would have it, I only find what I’m looking for once I’ve already found it with someone else. Even though Jack has had a special place in my heart, I’ve only ever considered him to be a friend, and I now have to consider the possibility of something more. But I also have to consider Mike, because he appears to be a perfect match for me, and I’ve actually met him in person. I’m more conflicted than I’ve ever been, and the entire situation is only muddled further by my mixed feelings for Jackson.
I quickly reply to Jack, rambling on about how I’m not scared, and about how I’ve actually had similar thoughts about him. Maybe he is my one, and this is just how things are meant to begin. We
are both in the same predicament, after all: scared, yearning for someone else, and spurned by the one person we want. Isn’t this how lovers are supposed to meet, with different things aligning until they finally match up?
So Jack and I make plans to schedule an actual date sometime in the near future. Because of the new development, my upcoming date with Mike is practically ruined, as I’m now having a difficult time focusing on anything besides Jack.
A few hours later, I am sitting at a table with Mike, halfheartedly listening as he talks about one of his patients from work. His story about the little girl with a crush on her doctor would make any other woman melt, but I can’t keep my mind from wandering to thoughts about Jack. Every time I manage to rein my thoughts back in, a new idea just pops into my head and distracts me again. It’s nearly impossible to focus on what Mike is saying, and I’m sure he thinks that I’m being terribly rude.
Mike asks a question and I am momentarily shaken from my thoughts. I politely ask him to repeat himself.
“I was just asking if you know what you want to order.”
“Oh, yes, I do. I’m sorry; I have a lot on my mind,” I reply, trying my best to appear sincere.
He grabs my hand and rubs the inside of my wrist gently.
“It’s fine; is everything OK? I know we don’t know each other very well, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, if you need to. Did something upset you at work today?”
I close my eyes, enjoying Mike’s soothing touch. I open them and make eye contact, noticing the look of genuine concern on his face. I put my hand on top of his and smile.
“Everything is fine; I just had a stressful day at the office, that’s all. I wish that I could spend my days surrounded by adorable children,” I add. “I bet your job is fun.”
Chat Love Page 19