Chat Love

by Justine Faeth

  Afterward, we just lie in my bed trying to catch our breath. Jackson’s head rests on my shoulder and he occasionally reaches up to kiss my cheek lightly. My fingers are toying with his hair as he lifts his head and looks at me. The city lights shine dimly through my window, illuminating his face. I move a piece of hair from his forehead and he grins. He turns his head to my night table and tenses. I sit up and see that he’s staring at my Chat Love picture, which is resting on the table. He sits up straight.

  “Who is that?” he asks, pointing at the photo.

  One look at his worried face and I’m instantly confused. I answer him slowly, “That’s me. Why?”

  He whips around to look at me. “That’s not you. That can’t be you; the girl in that photo has blonde hair.”

  “I know,” I say, still confused. “I had blonde hair when I was in college.”

  He quickly jumps out of bed and begins to put on his clothes. I sit up, covering my chest with the sheets.

  “Where are you going?” I ask. “You don’t have to leave, you know; you’re welcome to stay the night.” He ignores me and pulls his shirt down over his head. I move to the end of the bed to where he is sitting and tying his shoes. I wrap my arms around him from behind and press my cheek against his back.

  “Why don’t you just stay? I can make you feel good,” I say in an attempt to change his mind.

  He lets out a frustrated sigh and untangles himself from my grasp. He stands up and says, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I have to go.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I came here to help cheer you up after a rough night, and now it’s time for me to leave.

  A wave of anger hits me. “So you only with me out of pity?”

  He turns around quickly with wide eyes. “No, I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “You don’t want me to touch you? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

  He narrows his eyes at me. “Don’t be ridiculous, Lu.”

  My heart stops and I feel a new set of tears welling up. “It has something to do with the other woman, doesn’t it?”

  He looks down and stuffs his hands into his pockets. His posture says it all, and I don’t need a verbal answer.

  “Just go, Jackson.”

  He looks up at me with a hurt expression. “I’m sorry, I really am.”

  I shake my head and mutter, “I am too.”

  He turns to leave but stops in the doorway. “Wait,” he says, “why does your mother call you Lucia Pia?”

  I’m already upset, and his random question only serves to irritate me further. “Because Pia is my middle name,” I answer sharply. “Did meeting my family bother you? Is that why you’re leaving so suddenly?” I ask.

  He shakes his head and shifts his gaze back to the floor. “No, that’s not it. I just need to go.”

  I grab a pillow from the bed and throw it at him. “Fine, then just get out!”

  He turns without offering a second glance and leaves the room. I hear the front door open and close a few minutes later, and I know that he’ll probably never be coming through that door again. I wipe my tears and pick up my laptop, logging onto Chat Love. I quickly write a message to Jack, asking him if he wants to meet with me next week, and send it, my difficult decision finally made.

  Chapter 23

  My time at work the following week confirms that things are over with Jackson. He is unusually distant, and any exchange between us is painfully awkward. We spend the majority of our time avoiding one another, and a part of me is actually relieved because it prevents me from having to remember how much it hurts to lose someone. My work is no longer interrupted by impromptu phone calls or lunch dates with Jackson, and any reminders of the spark we once had—including the hickey left from our night together—have vanished.

  I have a date with Jack tonight and I am extremely nervous. I’ve already taken three antacid tablets in an attempt to calm my jittery stomach, and I’m planning on having a glass of wine before the date to help relax me a bit. A part of me feels awful for agreeing to see Jack when I’ve only recently stopped fooling around with Jackson. Still, I need to move on, and Jack is providing me with the perfect opportunity to do so.

  I am busy curling my hair in the bathroom when I hear Autumn enter the apartment. I listen to the sounds of her taking off her shoes and setting her bag on the floor. The floor creaks as she walks toward the bathroom, and her reflection appears in the mirror as she steps inside. Her hair is wet from a shower, her face is makeup free, and her clothes are wrinkled.

  “I’m assuming your date went well?” I ask teasingly.

  She runs her fingers through her damp hair and nods. “You could say that. We’re going to see each other again tonight.”

  I finish styling my hair and unplug the curling iron as I turn to face her.

  “So, if you like him so much, why are you keeping this man a secret?” She shrugs her shoulders and bites her bottom lip.

  “You look cute,” she says in an attempt to change the subject. “What time are you leaving?”

  I glance at the clock near the mirror. “If I want to make it on time, I need to leave in the next fifteen minutes. I still have no idea what I’m going to wear, though.”

  Autumn grabs my hand and leads me to our closet, immediately beginning to rummage through our clothing. After several minutes, she finally holds up a short, yellow dress and hands it to me.

  “This will look wonderful on you,” she says with a triumphant smile. “Put it on.” I reluctantly take the dress from her with a hesitant smile.

  “What’s the matter?” she asks me.

  “Nothing,” I reply quietly.

  “Then why do you look as though you’re on your way to be executed instead of getting ready to go out on a date?” She takes a step closer to me, “Do you not want to go out with Jack? You seemed so excited about the idea just a few nights ago.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I do, but what if Jack is ugly or rude? I’ve never actually met him in person, after all.”

  “I thought that you were trying to focus less on looks,” Autumn says, following me to my room with the dress still in her hand.

  “I am,” I reply.

  “Then what’s the problem?” she asks.

  “I can’t stop thinking about Jackson.”

  I sit on the edge of my bed and rest my head in my hands. Autumn sits next to me and rubs my back sympathetically.

  “I know it’s tough, but just try to remember that everything happens for a reason and works out in the end.”

  I throw my hands up in the air, “OK, who is this guy that you’ve been dating? Your attitude has completely changed and you’re back to being a hopeless romantic again.” She shakes her head, refusing to tell me. I stand up and point my finger at her. “You’re in love; I know it. You love this guy, whoever he is.”

  Autumn stands and says, “Don’t you try and turn this into a conversation about me. This is about you and your love life, not mine.” I put my hands on my hips and stare at her with a smile until she finally cracks. “Oh all right, I’m in love!” she says. “You’d really like him, too; he’s absolutely wonderful. I’ve finally found my Prince Charming.”

  “So then why can’t I meet him or at least know his name?” I ask.

  She laughs and sits back down. “I just don’t want to jinx anything, that’s all. Everything is going so well; I promise to tell you all about him as soon as I’m ready.” I nod my head and give her a small smile as I begin to put on my dress.

  I walk down the street in the direction of the restaurant, taking the opportunity to clear my head before meeting Jack. I want tonight to go well, and I can’t afford to have anything go wrong. It’s a gorgeous Saturday night and I smile as I make my way inside; Jack told me to look for the man with a yellow rose in his hand, and I begin to scan the crowd in search of my date.

  This is it, I think to myself as my eyes slowly adjust to the dim lighting. The restaurant is busy and I can smell the aroma of de
licious food cooking. I pause in the doorway, scanning the area in search of a yellow rose. I finally just make my way over to the bar, taking a seat and ordering a drink to help entertain me while I wait. I’m surprised when I spot Jackson sitting at the same bar. Sure enough, the one person I don’t want to see is here at the same restaurant; I’m hoping that he won’t cause a scene.

  Jackson lifts his head up and sees me. He rises and I walk to the seat nearest him, hoping to explain and calm him down before jealousy takes over. Instead of being upset, he just smiles and looks me up and down.

  “You look gorgeous!” he says.

  He offers me the seat next to him and I sit as he gets the bartender’s attention.

  “What do you want to drink?” he asks me.

  “A frozen strawberry margarita, please; thank you.” I hope that a frozen drink will cool me down a bit before my date arrives.

  “So are you expecting someone?” Jackson asks suspiciously.

  I nod. “Yeah, I’m supposed to be having dinner with someone. What about you; what are you doing here?”

  “I’m doing the same thing,” he replies with a smirk. I try to conceal my jealousy.

  The bartender places my drink in front of me and I take a large sip, hoping to numb my pain. I’m reaching for my purse so that I can pay him when I see Jackson hand him some cash instead. I mumble my thanks to him and continue drinking.

  As we sit in uncomfortable silence, I begin to worry that Jack may be standing me up.

  Jackson decides to strike up a conversation and asks, “How are your sister and the baby?”

  “They’re doing well,” I answer. “I visited them earlier this week. How’s Ginger?”

  He smiles. “She’s doing well, although I think she misses you.” Again, silence creeps in and I watch Jackson order himself another beer. Suddenly he says, “I quit smoking, you know.” I offer up a sincere smile along with my congratulations, surprised that he actually chose to quit. He changes the subject almost immediately. “So is this place any good?” he asks.

  “Yeah, they make the best Mexican food in the city,” I answer, busy looking around to see if Jack has arrived yet. I turn to face him. “Is your dinner party late too?”

  His face falls as he answers, “No, she’s actually already here.”

  “Where is she?” I ask, trying my best to catch a glimpse of her without appearing overly interested. As I look in his direction, I suddenly spot a yellow rose resting on the bar beside him. My eyes widen; there’s no way that Jackson could be Jack. “Who is the rose for?” I ask quietly.

  “You, Lucia Pia,” he answers. I feel dizzy. There’s no way this is happening. “Lucia, my heart stopped when I saw you walk in this evening.”

  A look of disbelief spreads across my face. “Wait, you knew that it was me?” I ask him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  His face falls. “I just figured it out last week.”

  I’m embarrassed and I can feel my face heating up. “And you didn’t think that it might be a good idea to tell me?”

  “Trust me, Lucia,I was just as shocked and surprised as you are when I figured it out.”

  I rise to my feet. “I can’t believe you lied to me!” I say, frustrated.

  He stands up as well. “I never lied to you, Lucia.”

  I grab my purse. “Yes, you did; you told me that your name was Jack,” I explain.

  His jaw clenches and I can see that he’s getting frustrated now as well. “You did the same thing; you told me that your name was Pia!”

  “Yes, but Pia is actually my middle name,” I argue.

  “OK, but what about your picture?” he asks. “You used a picture that looks nothing like you. I would’ve known that it was you sooner if you would have chosen a more recent photo!”

  I take a step away from him. “I see; you wanted to go out with a blonde.”

  He groans. “You know that I don’t give a rat’s ass what color your hair is. I was only trying to meet someone that would help me learn to love again, and I met you.”

  I feel tears threatening to fall and I look up at the ceiling in an attempt to will them away, “Jackson, you don’t understand what I’ve been going through lately. I was trying to choose between you and Jack when I’d developed feelings for both of you, and it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I just wasn’t expecting things to be like this,” I explain.

  He comes closer to me, “I know, and I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I thought you’d be happy, because I was relieved to find out that you were Pia.”

  My heart is happy but my mind continues to feel betrayed. My conflicting thoughts must be showing on my face because Jackson takes my hand and says in a low voice, “Lucia, don’t think.” He places my hand on his chest over his heart. “I’m ready to be yours.”

  The feel of his heart beating breaks my strength and my tears begin to fall. I shake my head, unable to breathe. “I’m sorry, but I can’t,” I say as I pull my hand back. I turn and run away; away from Jackson, away from heartbreak, and away from potential love.

  As I exit the restaurant and emerge into the cool city air, I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I hear the door open behind me and Jackson’s hands grab my shoulders, turning me around to face him.

  “Lucia, why are you running away? Why are you making this seem like it’s a bad thing? I want you,” he says emphatically.

  I shake my head. “But you wanted Pia first; you wanted someone else.”

  “I may have thought that, but all along it was really you that I wanted, Lucia.”

  I keep shaking my head. “No,” I say through my tears.

  Jackson grabs my face with his hands and holds it still. “Can you just shut your mouth for one minute?” he asks, leaning in to kiss me with passionate intensity. He pulls me in closer, and everything I’ve ever felt returns as electricity ignites our embrace. He pulls away and looks at me, his eyes sparkling.

  “Love, I didn’t think that I would ever meet anyone; I thought that I would be alone with Ginger forever, but you came into my life and nothing has been the same since. When I kiss you, my heart stops beating and I feel things that I’ve never felt before, not even when I was with Lisa. I know that you feel it too.”

  More tears fall from my eyes as he says all of the things I’ve always wanted to hear. I’ve wanted him for months, and he’s finally admitting that he wants me too. I know about his past, and I know how cold he can be with women, but somehow I know that he’s not going to be that way with me.

  I clear my throat, “I do, Jackson; I feel the same way. But I’m just not sure if I should be feeling those things for you.”

  He backs away from me. “Because of my past?”

  I nod. “I’m scared of having my heart broken again. I don’t know if I can trust you to take care of it.”

  He pleads, “Love, the last thing that I want to do is hurt you. Please, give me a chance. I know that I’m ready now.”

  “I need time to think about this,” I answer.

  His face falls and his shoulders slump as his eyes lose their brightness. “OK,” he says, “I’ll try to wait for you.”

  His words make me shiver, and I watch as he walks away, staring at the ground.

  I somehow make it to my apartment without falling apart, and then walk down the hall to Autumn’s room; I need my friend’s support right now. Not thinking to knock, I open the door to find Wayne and Autumn having sex. I scream, and the two of them freeze, turning to look at me.

  “I’m so sorry,” I blurt out, turning several shades of red. I shut the door and lean against the wall, more confused now than I’ve ever been.

  Soon after my uncomfortable mishap, I am crying in my bed. My hair is still wet from a shower, and I hear a light knock on the door as I sob into my pillow. Autumn slowly enters, wearing a purple robe and slippers.

  “I’m really sorry for interrupting you two earlier,” I say, not even mentioning the fact that it had been W
ayne she was sleeping with at the time.

  Autumn waves her hand in dismissal. “Everyone was going to find out eventually, anyway. I’m more concerned about you right now. What’s wrong?”

  “Jack and Jackson are the same person,” I say.

  Her eyes widen as she realizes what I mean. “Wow,” she says, shaking her head. “OK, I’m going to need to make us some drinks.”

  An hour later, Autumn, Wayne, Danni, and Ian are all seated in our living room. I’ve been polishing off one alcoholic drink after another, and I’m feeling pretty relaxed. After I’d told my story about finding out that Jackson was Jack my friends had all been speechless.

  Danni puts down her drink and says, “I’m sorry to distract from your situation, Lu, but I’m still surprised that Wayne is Autumn’s mystery lover.”

  Wayne grabs Autumn’s hand and says, “I’m not just some lover, Danni. We’re actually in a relationship, you know.”

  Autumn smiles at him and I narrow my eyes at them, jealous of their happiness.

  “So that means that everybody is paired off with somebody else,” Ian says with a grin, forgetting about me. Danni casts him a frown and he quickly corrects himself. “Well, everybody has at least found someone that they like.”

  I blurt out, “Everyone but me! You’ve all found someone on Chat Love, and I’m still left here alone, crying into a glass of wine. It’s not fair; I’m the one who wants to find love more than anybody else!”