by DAVIDSON, Carolyn. MALLERY, Susan. WILLIAMS, Bronwyn (in) Montana Mavericks
“That’s crazy. You know things. Loving a man and having children isn’t going to take away your knowledge.”
“I don’t always know what I’m doing.” She looked at him and some of the darkness left her eyes. “Sometimes I have to guess the right thing to do. I have a feeling inside, almost as if someone else is telling me what to do. What if that voice goes away?”
“It won’t.”
“You can’t be sure.”
He was damn sure, but she wasn’t about to listen. Just like she hadn’t listened all those years ago. Ruth was afraid. Whether she was afraid of him, or living in the white world, or of being married, he didn’t know. But her fear had kept her from marrying him back then and it was still keeping her from living the life she should.
“You need to be married,” he told her flatly. “You need a husband to take care of you and give you babies.”
“I can take care of myself.”
“Your life is proof of that, but so what? At the end of the day you go back to your house and there’s no one waiting for you. No one to worry about you or talk to you. No one who thinks you’re the most special person ever. All you’ve got is that ache in your gut that tells you there should be more.”
He wasn’t sure where the words had come from, and as soon as he spoke them, he wanted to call them back. He sounded like an idiot, or some shyster selling snake tonic.
Ruth’s eyes widened. “How do you know?”
Because he’d lived that private hell every day of his marriage to Marie. She’d made it clear she would never forgive him for loving someone else. He would admit to his part in destroying their marriage, but he’d always been willing to make things better. She hadn’t agreed. She’d set her course on punishing him every day that they were together and she’d been successful more often than not.
“I do get lonely,” she admitted, and crossed her arms over her chest. “I think about what it would have been like if things had been different. But then I know I made the right decision.”
He wished he could say the same thing about himself. “Are you happy?”
“Sometimes. I’m at peace and that’s usually enough.”
He nodded. He was at peace, as well. At least he had been before Ruth had shown up at the ranch house, turning his world over and leaving him wondering what it would be like when she left him again.
“I’m sorry about Marie,” she told him.
Ruth was a kind woman, so he knew she spoke the truth. He nodded his thanks, because he wasn’t going to tell her he wasn’t sorry at all that his wife was gone.
CHAPTER FOUR
RUTH BENT DOWN to remove the warm bread from the oven. The yeasty smell made her mouth water. It was well after noon and she’d only had coffee that morning. She smiled as she glanced at the clock and knew that Zeke would come tearing into the house shortly. The boy would skitter to a stop in front of her and demand to know what was to eat.
It had been nearly a week since she’d first arrived at the Kincaid ranch. A week of cooking and cleaning and trying not to mind that Caleb didn’t go out of his way to spend time with her. A week of trying not to think about the fact that his new housekeeper was due any day now.
Ruth set the bread on the counter to cool, then stirred the soup she’d prepared. When she set the spoon down, she glanced around at the now clean kitchen. She’d had a chance to scrub down the walls and the floor. Everything gleamed like new. In the rest of the house, she’d oiled the wood, beaten the rugs and washed the linens. Even now sheets flapped in the warm breeze. She knew she was being foolish but sometimes, like now, she allowed herself to pretend this was real. That she belonged here. If she’d accepted Caleb’s proposal back then, the ranch house would be hers. She would have a child like Zeke, perhaps more than one. She closed her eyes against the vision of a toddling little girl with dark hair and blue-gray eyes like Caleb’s, but that didn’t take away the empty feeling in her heart.
Three nights before he’d taken her out to watch the birth of a foal. Later they’d sat together in the dark and talked about their lives. He’d accused her of refusing him because she’d been afraid. Ruth didn’t believe that was true. She had a duty to her gift. Fear of the white world might haunt her but it didn’t influence her decisions.
The back door burst open, then slammed into the wall. Zeke raced into the room, heading directly for her. He didn’t stop until he ran into her, flinging his arms around her waist and holding her close. She hugged him back.
“How was your morning?” she asked.
“Good. What’s to eat?”
She laughed as she stroked his smooth blond hair. “Soup and fresh bread. Did you wash your hands?”
He held up damp fingers for her inspection. “Outside. And I used soap!”
“Good for you. Now set the table.”
Zeke collected linen napkins and lined them up with the concentration of a general ordering troops into formation. Bowls and side plates were put out next, then the butter crock.
“Is Pa gonna eat with us?” he asked.
“I don’t think so. He didn’t say anything to me.”
Caleb never joined them for their noon meal, but Zeke asked about him every day. Ruth wondered if the boy craved more time with his father, or if he sensed that there was a distance between Caleb and herself.
She knew Zeke had grown fond of her, as she had begun to care about him. Perhaps she should remind him that her stay was just temporary, but she hated to say anything that would take the sparkle out of his eyes.
“How’s Jake?” she asked, mentioning the newborn foal. Zeke had named him the previous day and Caleb had accepted the suggestion, writing the foal’s name and date of birth down in the ranch’s account books.
“Great! He’s running around with his ma.” Zeke slipped into his seat. “He’s kinda skinny, but he’s fast. Pa said I could help Tully train him. And Tully says that we have to start handlin’ him real soon. He’s got to get used to being around people.”
“Tully knows a lot about horses,” Ruth said.
“Yeah. He’s the best. And he’s not that old. Pa says—”
Zeke chattered about his father and the ranch, the men who worked as cowboys, his horse, the new litter of barn kittens and how many days until the new schoolteacher arrived. Ruth listened attentively, soaking up the boy’s conversation, allowing him to paint word pictures so she would have more memories to carry with her when she left.
She’d always wanted to have children, but never more so than these past few days. Her heart ached to love a child, while her body felt empty. As if it had never fulfilled its greatest purpose. She wished she could believe that she was allowed to have the simple pleasures most women took for granted. A husband and a family. But she couldn’t take the chance.
Zeke finished his bowl of soup and held it out for a second serving.
“I like what you cook,” he said as she ladled him more of the steaming liquid. “Ma never cooked. She said it wasn’t her place. That she’d been raised for better things.” He wrinkled his nose. “I asked her what things once, but she got real mad, so I didn’t ask again. Pa said she was raised on a ranch like this, but it was in Texas and life is different there. He said Ma’s family was real rich and they had lots of servants. We always had housekeepers, but Ma never liked ’em. I did. They would make cakes and pies, but not as good as yours.”
The artless compliment made her smile. “I’m glad. As long as you keep bringing me fresh berries, I’ll keep making pies.”
Zeke grinned. “Yes, ma’am.” His smile faded. “Do you like this house?”
Ruth wasn’t sure what he was asking. “It’s lovely.”
His mouth twisted. “Ma hated it. She said she didn’t like one thing about it. That’s why she was gone all the time. She went riding a lot—all day. Mostly by herself, but sometimes with one of the cowboys. One of them—I can’t ’member his name—went with her a lot. Then he had to leave. Pa was real mad. Even though he w
as quiet, I could tell. And Ma cried. I didn’t like it then. I spent a lot of time in the barn. Then it was better and then she died.”
Ruth set down her spoon. She didn’t know what to say to the boy. Had Marie had an affair with one of the cowboys? She couldn’t imagine a woman wanting to be with anyone else when she could be with Caleb. Of course Marie sounded like a very unhappy woman.
“How did she die?” she asked at last.
“She was thrown from her horse. A wildcat spooked him. Pa and Hank found her when she was late gettin’ home. It was a bad winter, so I guess the cat was hungry. Pa brought Ma home, but Hank stayed behind to find her horse and he’s the one who saw the tracks of the cat. Some of the cowboys went out and found it later. It had gotten Ma’s horse.”
“I’m sorry,” Ruth said and touched his arm.
He looked at her, then returned his attention to his soup. “I miss her sometimes. But I don’t think she liked me very much.”
Ruth felt her heart tighten in her chest. She longed to know what to say to comfort this wonderful child, but words failed her. There was a noise in the mud room and they both turned. Caleb stood in the doorway to the kitchen. He held his left arm cradled in his right. Blood seeped through his shirt.
“Pa!” Zeke pushed back his chair and raced to his father. “What happened?”
“I was moving wire for fencing and wasn’t paying attention. I caught myself.”
Ruth rose as well, but instead of going to Caleb, she headed for the stairs. “I’ll get my supplies,” she said.
“No need. It’s just a scratch.”
Typical man, she thought as she hurried. “Don’t go anywhere. And try not to drip on my clean floor,” she called over her shoulder.
She returned quickly. Caleb stood by the sink. Zeke had already cleared the table.
“I’m gonna help Tully,” he said when he was finished and headed for the door.
“Stay away from the wire,” Caleb yelled after him.
“Yes, Pa.”
Ruth opened her valise and pulled out a jar of her special soap. It cleaned wounds without stinging too much. Some of the herbs she used helped prevent infection.
“Let’s see how bad this is,” she said as she moved close and began to roll up his left sleeve.
“It’s nothing,” Caleb said, but he didn’t shift away.
She folded material toward his elbow until she’d uncovered an ugly gash nearly six inches long. Blood had already begun to clot.
“It’s not deep,” she said, trying not to notice the heat of him. They were standing so close; she felt herself start to tremble.
“I should have washed it in the barn and been done with it.” His voice sounded gruff.
“You’re here now. Let me earn my keep.”
He sighed. “You’re already doing that and more. Any debt you had to this family was paid a long time ago, Ruth.” He leaned toward the sink and allowed her to pump water over the cut. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”
“I know. I like being at the ranch. It’s a nice change from what I usually do.”
She rubbed her soft soap into the wound, then rinsed. Caleb had to be in pain, but he didn’t even catch his breath when she applied the soap a second time.
He was strong to her touch, she thought as she felt his muscles bunch when she moved him closer to the flow of water. After rinsing his skin again, she wrapped his forearm in a clean towel. They were still standing close enough that it was difficult for her to think. She told herself to walk away, or at least say something to distract herself. But she couldn’t seem to make her feet obey her thoughts, nor did her mouth want to work.
Caleb was the one who seemed unaffected as he stepped back and leaned against the counter. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”
She blinked. “What?”
He shrugged. “What Zeke said about his mother.”
“Oh.”
She didn’t know how to respond. Instead of saying anything, she reached for her bandages. After removing the towel, she smoothed an ointment on the gash, then wrapped it, careful to hold the edges of skin together.
Caleb flexed his arm when she was finished, then nodded his thanks. “I guess what I’m really sorry about is that Zeke figured out that Marie never wanted to be his mother.”
His matter-of-fact statement made her catch her breath. “What are you talking about? How could any woman—especially his mother—not love that boy?”
“I don’t know but it’s true. Marie didn’t want children.” His expression hardened. “Of course she didn’t tell me that until after Zeke was born.”
“Oh, Caleb.” She sighed. “I didn’t realize. I wish—” She broke off. What exactly did she wish for?
“It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.”
“Of course it matters, to both you and Zeke. How can you say it doesn’t?”
He shook his head. “This was a mistake. You shouldn’t have come here.”
“What are you talking about?”
He moved toward her, looming. She had the oddest feeling he was trying to frighten her, yet she wasn’t the least bit worried that he would try to hurt her. Not Caleb. That wasn’t his way.
He put his hands on her upper arms. “You don’t belong on this ranch. You should go home.”
His words stung. “I’ll leave if you want me to,” she said stiffly.
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Yes, it is. You’re—”
But she never got to finish her sentence. Instead of listening and responding, Caleb bent down and brushed his mouth against hers. The kiss was so warm, so tender and unexpected, for a heartbeat she couldn’t do anything but stand there and feel it all.
His mouth—his hot, sensual mouth—molded itself to hers. She found herself swept up in instant passion, and instant memories. Past and present blurred as she raised her arms and wrapped them around him. He put his arms around her waist and drew her against him. They were touching and pressing and his mouth was on hers and she never, ever wanted him to stop.
His kiss was everything she remembered. As he brushed back and forth against her, heat filled her body, starting in the center of her being and radiating out. She could inhale the scent of his body. The fragrance of man and horse and the spring combined into a perfume that stole her will. Not that she wanted to protest or even pull away.
His hands were firm, yet gentle as he held her. She could feel his individual fingers pressing into her skin. Her breasts flattened against his chest and the pressure made her want to squirm. She rubbed her palms against the hard strength of his shoulders, then moved one hand lower and the other higher so that she could caress both his back and his neck. The silky ends of his hair tickled her skin.
He tilted his head slightly, angling his mouth so they fit perfectly. He parted his lips and licked her bottom lip. A shiver rippled through her. He’d kissed her like this before, she recalled. He’d put his tongue in her mouth and had stroked her. Long after she’d left the ranch and returned to her life among the Cheyenne, she’d relived the heated kisses she’d shared with Caleb. During the day she told herself that she had forgotten that brief month with him, but at night, she remembered.
So now she responded to his gentle urging and parted her lips. She welcomed him as he slipped inside her. Such hot sweetness, she thought hazily. Another shiver shot through her, then another, until it was nearly impossible to stay standing. She clung to him as her knees nearly gave way. Every part of her body seemed hotter and more sensitive. The pressure of his chest against her suddenly swollen breasts was both intense pleasure and pain. She wanted so much more.
The ache between her thighs caught her attention. She squeezed her legs together in an effort to relieve it, but the movement didn’t help. Instead she had a nearly uncontrollable urge to rub against him. She had a sudden vision of his thigh between hers. The ache intensified until she wanted to sob. Frustration made her close her lips around his tongue and suck
on him.
Caleb broke the kiss and stepped back as if she’d slapped him. Ruth felt as if she’d been plunged in cold water, except for her face, which burned with embarrassment. Obviously she’d done something horribly wrong.
She could barely bring herself to meet his gaze. Once she did, she was confused. Where she would have expected some kind of passionate fire, she found only stark anger. He glared at her as if she’d betrayed his trust.
“Caleb?”
Her voice came out soft and trembling. It was difficult to speak, difficult to concentrate, for despite her embarrassment and inability to understand what was wrong, her body remained on fire for him. Ruth knew that she wanted to be with Caleb in the most intimate way possible. His empty eyes told her that he didn’t share her passionate desire.
Shame joined embarrassment.
“I won’t be fooled by a woman again,” he said, then turned and stalked out of the room.
Ruth stared after him. “Fooled by a woman?” she repeated. What on earth was he talking about?
“YOU GET ANY MORE bad tempered, I’m gonna start hoping you get kicked in the head by a steer,” Hank said forcefully as he rode next to Caleb that afternoon. “Dang it, boy, what’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing.”
Caleb grimaced. He didn’t think he’d been taking out his anger on anyone else, but Hank didn’t share that opinion. And there was no way he was going to explain to his foreman that he was having trouble concentrating on the cattle because all he could think about was Ruth and the way they’d kissed that morning.
“It’s more than something,” Hank grumbled. He jerked his head toward Caleb’s arm. “Is that bothering you? Did you let Ruth see it?”
“Yes. She took care of it. I didn’t need stitches.”
Hank drew his bushy brows together. “We’ve only lost a couple of cows and one calf. The weather’s fine, cattle prices are up. You’ve got no call to be as ill-tempered as a—”
He broke off in midsentence, as his gaze turned knowing. “Maybe you do at that.”