by Sara Mack
“Does it matter? Just shut the hell up!” I start to walk away.
“Don’t leave.”
Against my better judgment, I turn around. “Did you get my flowers?” he asks.
He wants to discuss this now? I groan. “Yes. I gave them away. I don’t want anything from you, Caleb.”
Suddenly, Heidi appears behind him and shrieks, “You sent her flowers?”
“As an apology,” he says.
She starts to pummel him with her fists. “No! No no no no!” He tries to block her. “She can’t have you, too!”
“Calm down. Christ.” Caleb moves and tries to ward her off. “What is wrong with you?”
I hear the distinct sound of a door open across the hall. Fantastic, I think. We’re waking up the whole floor. “Guys!” I try to whisper-yell. “Knock it off!”
“You bastard!” Heidi continues to wail on Caleb’s chest, her red hair a tangled mess. “How could you?”
“Nothing’s going on!”
He lets go of his sheet to catch Heidi’s flying fists, and it falls to floor. Oh, Jesus. I slam my eyes shut, but not before getting a full view of Caleb’s naked ass. Their struggle stops and I hear, “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Watch me, asshole!”
A door slams and I open one eye. Caleb has been left in the hallway sans bed sheet. He faces the door, sets his hands on either side of the frame, and hangs his head. I can’t help but notice that’s not the only thing hanging.
My eyes find the ceiling and I sigh. “Would you like some help?”
He turns and faces me, covering himself with both hands. “Yes, please.”
We look at each other, and I try not to laugh. This is ridiculous. We’re standing a few feet apart and he’s totally naked. I’m wearing nothing but Latson’s t-shirt and my underwear.
“Come on.” I turn to walk the few steps back to my room. No one deserves to be Heidi’s victim, although he did bring it on himself by getting involved with her.
When I open the door, Roxanne sits up in bed. “What happened?”
“I stopped the sex.”
Caleb follows me into the room. “Hi.”
Roxanne’s eyes bug out of her head. “So you brought him over here for more?”
I shoot her an “oh, please” look. I open the closet, find an extra blanket, and toss it at Caleb.
“Thanks.” He catches it with one hand against his leg. “Can I use your phone?”
After he calls the front desk and apologizes to us, he leaves to meet someone with another key. I fall back into bed and close my eyes. Apparently he and Heidi have separate rooms, which I’m grateful for. I don’t want to hear arguing or, god forbid, make up sex. I’ve seen Caleb in all his glory; I don’t need any more to add to the visual. All I want to do is get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be hard enough; attending a funeral is always sad. I want to be as alert as I can for Latson, and I can’t wait to hug O.
Unfortunately, when my alarm sounds, it’s way too soon. I’ve never been a morning person, but this feels especially torturous.
Forcing myself out of bed, I get dressed and catch a cab to the airport. When I make it to my gate, I take a seat and look up to watch some news channel playing on the TV. It’s not long before my eyelids start to droop and I close them for a few minutes. Thankfully Pete is picking me up when I land and taking me to his apartment before the service. I hope he doesn’t mind if I nap on the way.
“Excuse me? Miss?”
Someone nudges my shoulder. When I open my eyes, I’m face to face with a kind-looking elderly woman.
“Yes?” I say, my voice scratchy.
“You’ve been sleeping for quite some time,” she says. “I wanted to make sure you didn’t miss your flight.”
“Thank you.” I smile. “But my plane doesn’t leave until eight a.m.”
Her face falls. “Oh, honey. It’s after nine.”
It can’t be. My eyes dart to the monitor behind the ticket desk. Bold white letters advertise the time and the temperature, along with the flight number and location. Instantly, my stomach knots. I’m not going to Topeka, Kansas. Panic starts to set in.
I missed my flight.
Chapter Twenty Six
I leap out of the cab as soon as it pulls up to the cemetery.
By the time the airline found me another seat to Chicago, I knew I would miss the church service. With a shaky voice, I called my brother and told him how stupid I was. He tried to reassure me that mistakes happen, but it didn’t make me feel any better. He said he would send me the cemetery address and meet me there. After I changed clothes at the airport, I prayed during the entire flight that I could attend most of the graveside ceremony. When the plane touched down, my body was coiled with tension. Nothing moved fast enough; not my feet, not the cab, and certainly not traffic.
Now, as quickly as I can, I make my way toward the green tent and the people gathered around it. The closer I get, the more I realize everyone is standing in small groups and talking casually.
Damn it all to hell! Did I miss everything here, too?
A group standing off to the side breaks apart and it’s then that Pete catches my eye. He waves and starts to walk in my direction, hand in hand with Jules. The whole Torque crew follows them, and, when we get close enough, Jules lets go of Pete and wraps me in a hug. “You made it.”
“Not soon enough.” I frown over her shoulder. “Did I miss it all?”
She steps back and nods. “We just finished.”
My heart sinks. “How is he?” I look at Pete. “Did you tell him what happened?”
“I did. He seems …” Pete rubs the back of his neck. “He seems pretty pissed, Little J.”
A lump forms in the back of my throat. I knew Latson would be upset.
“You should ride with Kenzie and me to the dinner.” Gwen rubs my arm compassionately. “There’s room in my car.”
“Thanks.” I give her a weak smile.
“Jen!”
In the space between Carter and Felix I see Oliver running toward me. He looks adorable in his little suit and tie. I kneel down and the boys step aside, so Oliver can reach me. He throws his arms around my neck, and I squeeze him tight. “Hi, O.”
“Uncle Gunnar said you were coming.” He leans back. “What took you so long?”
“I got stuck at the airport,” I say. “How are you? I’m sorry about your grandma.”
He nods. “She was sick, but it’s okay. Know why?”
“Why?”
“Because she’s in heaven with my mom.”
The lump in my throat gets bigger. “I’m sure she is.”
“C’mon.” He pulls on my hand. “I want to show you something.”
I stand and look at Gwen. “Go ahead. We’ll wait for you,” she says.
Trailing behind Oliver, I follow him toward the green tent. I search for Latson and find him talking to Dean and a few other people. He stands with his hands in the pockets of his black suit, the jacket fastened by one button at the waist. I’ve never seen him dressed so formally, and it takes my breath away. To say he cleans up nicely is an understatement. The only thing I wish I could change is the sad, distant look on his face. I curse myself for screwing this up; I should have been here for him.
Oliver and I keep walking and, just when I think he’s leading me to his grandmother, he takes me behind the green tent. As we pass by, I get an up-close view of the deep mahogany casket covered with a huge spray of every pastel rose imaginable. The finality of it hits me, and I swallow. Oliver stops in front of a headstone and points. “This is my mom,” he says in a quiet voice. “This is where I come to visit her, although Uncle Gunnar doesn’t bring me a lot. He might more now, since Grandma is here, too.”
My breath catches. This is the last thing I expected him to show me. The August sun reflects off a polished gray stone etched with:
Audrey Jean Latson
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Mother
November 12, 1984
~ April 9, 2012
“All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be.” ~ Pink Floyd
I crouch down and sit on the balls of my feet to study the intricate flowers carved around the stone. They look like Lily of the Valley mixed with Forget-Me-Nots. “This is a very special place,” I say to Oliver. “Thank you for sharing it with me.”
He smiles, then kisses his finger and touches the top of the stone. “This is what we do when we come here, so she knows we love her,” he explains. “Uncle Gunnar says angels can see our kisses.”
Without warning, tears prick my eyes. What an amazing thing for him to say.
“Oliver.”
Latson’s voice is stern behind me, and a wave of anxiety slides down my spine. I immediately stand, but he barely glances at me.
“Uncle Gunnar, look.” Oliver’s face lights up. “Jen’s here.”
“We have to go.” Latson extends his hand toward his nephew. “We don’t want to be late.” His eyes dart to me when he says the word “late”. They’re cold. Colder than I’ve ever seen them.
“Okay,” Oliver says and reluctantly shuffles towards his uncle. “I’ll see you at the restaurant, Jen.”
“’Kay,” I say, my voice stuck.
As they walk away, I’m rooted in place. Latson didn’t speak to me, much less look at me.
My heart cracks, and the fissure runs to my soul.
~~~~
Hours later, I’m curled up on Pete’s couch. I don’t think my body can get any smaller. Maybe I’m trying to disappear, or maybe I’m trying to hold my insides together. Either way, the feeling sucks. I’d give anything to go back in time and fix today.
“You should go talk to him.” Jules sits by my feet. She places a mug on the table in front of me, and I give her a confused look. “Coffee,” she says. “You didn’t eat anything at the dinner.”
She’s right. All I did was push food around my plate.
“I wasn’t hungry,” I say. I’m still not. I hurt Latson, and I feel hideous.
“C’mon.” She swats me on my ass.
“Ow!” I scowl at her. “What was that for?”
“Nothing is going to solve itself with you sitting here. He’s right upstairs. Go. Talk. To. Him.”
“I want to,” I say. So badly.
“Then what’s stopping you?”
I shrug.
Jules lets out a sigh. “They say never go to bed angry. You should at least go upstairs and apologize.”
She’s right. I wanted to apologize the minute I saw Latson at the cemetery. I wanted to apologize at the dinner. However, he was with family, and he wouldn’t acknowledge me. “I think I need to give him some space. He just lost his mother.” I sit up and reach for the coffee. “I’m not sure it’s the right time.”
Jules’ voice gets quiet. “When you love someone it’s always the right time.”
I’m silent. I’m not sure if he loves me. He’s never said it; but then again, neither have I.
“Think of it this way,” she says. “If he had done something to hurt you, wouldn’t you want an apology? Or at least words?”
I nod.
“So?” She prods. “Oliver should be in bed by now. Go.”
I give her an uncertain look. “I think I should wait until morning.”
She huffs, then grabs me by the arm and pulls me to my feet.
“Hey!” The coffee splashes. “You don’t have to –”
She leads me out of the living room, then opens the door. She takes the mug from my hands and nudges my leg with her foot. “Go say you’re sorry. I won’t wait up.”
Rolling my eyes, I step outside the door. Without another word she shuts it, and I’m alone.
Slowly, I make my way to Latson’s apartment. It’s not like I don’t want to see him. It’s the exact opposite. Every part of me aches to hold him. I want to do what I promised, to be there for him and take away his pain. The problem is he’s angry, and I don’t know if he wants to see me.
When I reach his door, I tentatively knock and wait for a response. When none comes, I knock again, only harder. I fidget as I wait. I guess he could be sleeping. It’s been a long, difficult day. I would give anything to be asleep beside him.
Sighing at the thought, I turn to leave and stop when the door opens. Latson stands there wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt. No fun saying graces his chest, just the solid color blue.
“Hi,” I say when he doesn’t speak. “Can we talk?”
His face is impassive as he steps outside. He crosses his arms, glances at the floor, and then looks at me. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Today,” I say. “I’m sorry about today.”
“Me, too,” he says, emotionless. “I buried my mother and my girlfriend wasn’t there.”
That hurts. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I tried to be there. I really did.”
“Did you?” He tilts his head. “Because it sounded to me like sleep was more important.”
What? I’ll kill Pete if he made it sound that way. “You have to know I didn’t do it on purpose. I had a late night. I know it’s a lame excuse, but it’s the truth.”
Latson nods, but doesn’t look convinced. “Is there anything else you want to tell me about last night?”
I stare at him in confusion. His tone implies I did something wrong. “No. Heidi and Caleb were being obnoxiously loud in the room next to mine and I couldn’t sleep.”
“Bullshit,” he snaps.
My heart starts to pound. “Excuse me? I’m not lying.”
“Heidi was kicked off the tour.”
“And Caleb let her back on.” I study his face. “You can ask Roxanne. Heidi came back yesterday.”
I try to step closer to him and he steps back. It hits me like a punch to the gut. “What’s wrong?”
He lets out a sarcastic laugh as he shakes his head. “I just…I can’t keep up with you, Jen.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I want to believe you. It means I want to have faith in what you say. But when I have proof otherwise, it makes me wonder what else you’ve lied to me about.”
Hold on. “I’ve never lied to you.”
“Yeah?” I don’t like the look in his eyes. “You promised you’d be there today and you weren’t.”
My face falls. “I know and I feel awful. I fell asleep; it was an accident.”
“You promised you’d stay away from Caleb and you haven’t.”
I frown. Are we back to that night at the bar? “I told you he found me and took my phone. I didn’t find him.”
“And last night? How do you explain that?”
I’m at a loss for words. I already told him Caleb and Heidi were next door. Does he think I booked the room? “I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”
He lets out a frustrated sigh. “Have you been online today?”
“Why in the hell would I be online?” I’ve been riding an emotional rollercoaster ever since I woke up this morning; checking social media has been the last thing on my mind.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “It’s all over the internet.”
What is? Latson taps something on his cell and hands it to me. The minute I see the pictures all the blood drains from my face. Someone posted pictures of me and Caleb standing in the hallway. He’s facing me, covering his junk, and I’m trying not to smile. The second photo shows us entering my room. How is this possible?! I read the caption and the hashtags: The fun things you see on tour #groupielife #renegadetour #niceass.
Oh my god. I heard someone open a door.
“I can explain.” My voice is barely there. “I went over to shut them up. Heidi got mad about the flowers Caleb sent and she started hitting him and –” I’m rambling.
“Flowers?” Latson goes from incredulous to angry. “What flowers?”
Fuck. I can barely breathe. “Caleb sent me –”
Latson grabs his phone from my hand. “I’ve
heard enough.”
“But –”
“Don’t.” His eyes flash and his entire body looks tense. “You need to go.”
I’m shaking. “Go where?”
“Anywhere but here. I can’t talk to you right now.”
I hate the way he dismisses me. “Please.” I reach out and graze his arm. “Let’s –”
He jerks his arm away and ignores me. He opens his door and walks inside.
“Latson.” I step forward. “Wait.”
He slams the door in my face.
I stand there, stunned. Tears burn behind my eyes and my heart threatens to pound out of my chest; I want to beat down the door and run away at the same time. Never in my life have I felt so helpless. Nothing I say will make this better. No apology will make this better.
I don’t know how long it takes me to walk back to Pete’s. When I get there I’m grateful Jules didn’t lock the door. I try to make it to my bedroom without anyone noticing me. It doesn’t work.
“Jen?” Pete sticks his head out of his room. “I thought you went upstairs.”
I look down to hide my face. “I’m back. Goodnight.”
“No.” He steps in front me and his face fills with concern. “Why are you all red?”
“It’s nothing. Just –”
“How’d it go?” Jules joins us, way too perky. “I didn’t expect –” She stops talking and narrows her eyes. “What happened?”
I can’t help it. The tears I was holding back spill over. Pete sets his jaw before pulling me into his arms. “What did he do?”
“Nothing. It’s my fault,” I say against his chest. “I messed up.”
Jules rubs my back to soothe me. “It’s okay. You’ll work it out.”
I close my eyes and remain silent. I can’t bring myself to say I don’t think so.
Chapter Twenty Seven
Oh, Ed. How I’ve missed you.
The soothing sound of my boyfriend’s voice travels from my phone to my ear buds. He’s kept me sane over the last three weeks, reminding me that everyone falls in love and everyone gets lost. I may be biased in thinking I get hurt more than others, but one look at my love life proves it hasn’t been stellar. I’m grateful my pretend boyfriend hasn’t abandoned me because I’ve needed him.