“That carbuncle has made me suffer FRIGHTFULLY… . Why should I? It isn’t mine.”
He regarded the doctor earnestly. The doctor controlled a strong desire to laugh.
“I suppose the young lady—” he began.
“Oh! SHE puts in suffering all right. I’ve no doubt about that.
“I suppose,” Sir Richmond went on, “now that I have told you so much of this affair, I may as well tell you all. It is a sort of comedy, a painful comedy, of irrelevant affections.”
The doctor was prepared to be a good listener. Facts he would always listen to; it was only when people told him their theories that he would interrupt with his “Exactly.”
“This young woman is a person of considerable genius. I don’t know if you have seen in the illustrated papers a peculiar sort of humorous illustrations usually with a considerable amount of bite in them over the name of Martin Leeds?
“Extremely amusing stuff.”
“It is that Martin Leeds. I met her at the beginning of her career. She talks almost as well as she draws. She amused me immensely. I’m not the sort of man who waylays and besieges women and girls. I’m not the pursuing type. But I perceived that in some odd way I attracted her and I was neither wise enough nor generous enough not to let the thing develop.”
“H’m,” said Dr. Martineau.
“I’d never had to do with an intellectually brilliant woman before. I see now that the more imaginative force a woman has, the more likely she is to get into a state of extreme self-abandonment with any male thing upon which her imagination begins to crystallize. Before I came along she’d mixed chiefly with a lot of young artists and students, all doing nothing at all except talk about the things they were going to do. I suppose I profited by the contrast, being older and with my hands full of affairs. Perhaps something had happened that had made her recoil towards my sort of thing. I don’t know. But she just let herself go at me.”
“And you?”
“Let myself go too. I’d never met anything like her before. It was her wit took me. It didn’t occur to me that she wasn’t my contemporary and as able as I was. As able to take care of herself. All sorts of considerations that I should have shown to a sillier woman I never dreamt of showing to her. I had never met anyone so mentally brilliant before or so helpless and headlong. And so here we are on each other’s hands! ”
“But the child?
“It happened to us. For four years now things have just happened to us. All the time I have been overworking, first at explosives and now at this fuel business. She too is full of her work.
“Nothing stops that though everything seems to interfere with it. And in a distraught, preoccupied way we are abominably fond of each other. ‘Fond’ is the word. But we are both too busy to look after either ourselves or each other.
“She is much more incapable than I am,” said Sir Richmond as if he delivered a weighed and very important judgment.
“You see very much of each other?”
“She has a flat in Chelsea and a little cottage in South Cornwall, and we sometimes snatch a few days together, away somewhere in Surrey or up the Thames or at such a place as Southend where one is lost in a crowd of inconspicuous people. “Then things go well—they usually go well at the start—we are glorious companions. She is happy, she is creative, she will light up a new place with flashes of humour, with a keenness of appreciation … . ”
“But things do not always go well?”
“Things,” said Sir Richmond with the deliberation of a man who measures his words, “are apt to go wrong… . At the flat there is constant trouble with the servants; they bully her. A woman is more entangled with servants than a man. Women in that position seem to resent the work and freedom of other women. Her servants won’t leave her in peace as they would leave a man; they make trouble for her… . And when we have had a few days anywhere away, even if nothing in particular has gone wrong—”
Sir Richmond stopped short.
“When they go wrong it is generally her fault,” the doctor sounded.
“Almost always.”
“But if they don’t?” said the psychiatrist.
“It is difficult to describe… . The essential incompatibility of the whole thing comes out.”
The doctor maintained his expression of intelligent interest.
“She wants to go on with her work. She is able to work anywhere. All she wants is just cardboard and ink. My mind on the other hand turns back to the Fuel Commission … .”
“Then any little thing makes trouble.”
“Any little thing makes trouble. And we always drift round to the same discussion; whether we ought really to go on together.”
“It is you begin that?”
“Yes, I start that. You see she is perfectly contented when I am about. She is as fond of me as I am of her.”
“Fonder perhaps.”
‘I don’t know. But she is—adhesive. Emotionally adhesive. All she wants to do is just to settle down when I am there and go on with her work. But then, you see, there is MY work.”
“Exactly… . After all it seems to me that your great trouble is not in yourselves but in social institutions. Which haven’t yet fitted themselves to people like you two. It is the sense of uncertainty makes her, as you say, adhesive. Nervously so. If we were indeed living in a new age Instead of the moral ruins of a shattered one—”
“We can’t alter the age we live in,” said Sir Richmond a little testily.
“No. Exactly. But we CAN realize, in any particular situation, that it is not the individuals to blame but the misfit of ideas and forms and prejudices.”
“No,” said Sir Richmond, obstinately rejecting this pacifying suggestion; “she could adapt herself. If she cared enough.”
“But how?”
“She will not take the slightest trouble to adjust herself to the peculiarities of our position… . She could be cleverer. Other women are cleverer. Any other woman almost would be cleverer than she is.”
“But if she was cleverer, she wouldn’t be the genius she is. She would just be any other woman.”
“Perhaps she would,” said Sir Richmond darkly and desperately. “Perhaps she would. Perhaps it would be better if she was.”
Dr. Martineau raised his eyebrows in a furtive aside.
“But here you see that it is that in my case, the fundamental incompatibility between one’s affections and one’s wider conception of duty and work comes in. We cannot change social institutions in a year or a lifetime. We can never change them to suit an individual case. That would be like suspending the laws of gravitation in order to move a piano. As things are, Martin is no good to me, no help to me. She is a rival to my duty. She feels that. She is hostile to my duty. A definite antagonism has developed. She feels and treats fuel—and everything to do with fuel as a bore. It is an attack. We quarrel on that. It isn’t as though I found it so easy to stick to my work that I could disregard her hostility. And I can’t bear to part from her. I threaten it, distress her excessively and then I am overcome by sympathy for her and I go back to her… . In the ordinary course of things I should be with her now.”
“If it were not for the carbuncle?”
“If it were not for the carbuncle. She does not care for me to see her disfigured. She does not understand—” Sir Richmond was at a loss for a phrase—“that it is not her good looks.”
“She won’t let you go to her?”
“It amounts to that… . And soon there will be all the trouble about educating the girl. Whatever happens, she must have as good a chance as—anyone… . ”
“Ah! That is worrying you too!”
“Frightfully at times. If it were a boy it would be easier. It needs constant tact and dexterity to fix things up. Neither of us have any. It needs attention… . ”
Sir Richmond mused darkly.
Dr. Martineau thought aloud. “An incompetent delightful person with Martin Leeds’s sense of humour. And her powers of
expression. She must be attractive to many people. She could probably do without you. If once you parted.”
Sir Richmond turned on him eagerly.
“You think I ought to part from her? On her account?”
“On her account. It might pain her. But once the thing was done—”
“I want to part. I believe I ought to part.”
“Well?”
“But then my affection comes in.”
“That extraordinary—TENDERNESS of yours?”
“I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Anyone might get hold of her—if I let her down. She hasn’t a tithe of the ordinary coolheaded calculation of an average woman… . I’ve a duty to her genius. I’ve got to take care of her.”
To which the doctor made no reply.
“Nevertheless the idea of parting has been very much in my mind lately.”
“Letting her go FREE?”
“You can put it in that way if you like.”
“It might not be a fatal operation for either of you.”
“And yet there are moods when parting is an intolerable idea. When one is invaded by a flood of affection.”… . And old habits of association.”
Dr. Martineau thought. Was that the right word,—affection? Perhaps it was.
They had come out on the towing path close by the lock and they found themselves threading their way through a little crowd of boating people and lookers-on. For a time their conversation was broken. Sir Richmond resumed it.
“But this is where we cease to be Man on his Planet and all the rest of it. This is where the idea of a definite task, fanatically followed to the exclusion of all minor considerations, breaks down. When the work is good, when we are sure we are all right, then we may carry off things with a high hand. But the work isn’t always good, we aren’t always sure. We blunder, we make a muddle, we are fatigued. Then the sacrificed affections come in as accusers. Then it is that we want to be reassured.”
“And then it is that Miss Martin Leeds—?”
“Doesn’t,” Sir Richmond snapped.
Came a long pause.
“And yet—
“It is extraordinarily difficult to think of parting from Martin.”
Section 3
In the evening after dinner Dr. Martineau sought, rather unsuccessfully, to go on with the analysis of Sir Richmond.
But Sir Richmond was evidently a creature of moods. Either he regretted the extent of his confidences or the slight irrational irritation that he felt at waiting for his car affected his attitude towards his companion, or Dr. Martineau’s tentatives were ill-chosen. At any rate he would not rise to any conversational bait that the doctor could devise. The doctor found this the more regrettable because it seemed to him that there was much to be worked upon in this Martin Leeds affair. He was inclined to think that she and Sir Richmond were unduly obsessed by the idea that they had to stick together because of the child, because of the look of the thing and so forth, and that really each might be struggling against a very strong impulse indeed to break off the affair. It seemed evident to the doctor that they jarred upon and annoyed each other extremely. On the whole separating people appealed to a doctor’s mind more strongly than bringing them together. Accordingly he framed his enquiries so as to make the revelation of a latent antipathy as easy as possible.
He made several not very well-devised beginnings. At the fifth Sir Richmond was suddenly conclusive. “It’s no use,” he said, “I can’t fiddle about any more with my motives to-day.”
An awkward silence followed. On reflection Sir Richmond seemed to realize that this sentence needed some apology. “I admit,” he said, “that this expedition has already been a wonderfully good thing for me. These confessions have made me look into all sorts of things-squarely. But—
“I’m not used to talking about myself or even thinking directly about myself. What I say, I afterwards find disconcerting to recall. I want to alter it. I can feel myself wallowing into a mess of modifications and qualifications.”
“Yes, but—”
“I want a rest anyhow… .”
There was nothing for Dr. Martineau to say to that.
The two gentlemen smoked for some time in a slightly uncomfortable silence. Dr. Martineau cleared his throat twice and lit a second cigar. They then agreed to admire the bridge and think well of Maidenhead. Sir Richmond communicated hopeful news about his car, which was to arrive the next morning before ten—he’d just ring the fellow up presently to make sure—and Dr. Martineau retired early and went rather thoughtfully to bed. The spate of Sir Richmond’s confidences, it was evident, was over.
Section 4
Sir Richmond’s car arrived long before ten, brought down by a young man in a state of scared alacrity—Sir Richmond had done some vigorous telephoning before turning in,—the Charmeuse set off in a repaired and chastened condition to town, and after a leisurely breakfast our two investigators into the springs of human conduct were able to resume their westward journey. They ran through scattered Twyford with its pleasant looking inns and through the commonplace urbanities of Reading, by Newbury and Hungerford’s pretty bridge and up long wooded slopes to Savernake forest, where they found the road heavy and dusty, still in its war-time state, and so down a steep hill to the wide market street which is Marlborough. They lunched in Marlborough and went on in the afternoon to Silbury Hill, that British pyramid, the largest artificial mound in Europe. They left the car by the roadside and clambered to the top and were very learned and inconclusive about the exact purpose of this vast heap of chalk and earth, this heap that men had made before the temples at Karnak were built or Babylon had a name.
Then they returned to the car and ran round by a winding road into the wonder of Avebury. They found a clean little inn there kept by pleasant people, and they garaged the car in the cowshed and took two rooms for the night that they might the better get the atmosphere of the ancient place. Wonderful indeed it is, a vast circumvallation that was already two thousand years old before the dawn of British history; a great wall of earth with its ditch most strangely on its inner and not on its outer side; and within this enclosure gigantic survivors of the great circles of unhewn stone that, even as late as Tudor days, were almost complete. A whole village, a church, a pretty manor house have been built, for the most part, out of the ancient megaliths; the great wall is sufficient to embrace them all with their gardens and paddocks; four cross-roads meet at the village centre. There are drawings of Avebury before these things arose there, when it was a lonely wonder on the plain, but for the most part the destruction was already done before the MAYFLOWER sailed. To the southward stands the cone of Silbury Hill; its shadow creeps up and down the intervening meadows as the seasons change. Around this lonely place rise the Downs, now bare sheep pastures, in broad undulations, with a wart-like barrow here and there, and from it radiate, creeping up to gain and hold the crests of the hills, the abandoned trackways of that forgotten world. These trackways, these green roads of England, these roads already disused when the Romans made their highway past Silbury Hill to Bath, can still be traced for scores of miles through the land, running to Salisbury and the English Channel, eastward to the crossing at the Straits and westward to Wales, to ferries over the Severn, and southwestward into Devon and Cornwall.
The doctor and Sir Richmond walked round the walls, surveyed the shadow cast by Silbury upon the river flats, strolled up the down to the northward to get a general view of the village, had tea and smoked round the walls again in the warm April sunset. The matter of their conversation remained prehistoric. Both were inclined to find fault with the archaeological work that had been done on the place. “Clumsy treasure hunting,” Sir Richmond said. “They bore into Silbury Hill and expect to find a mummified chief or something sensational of that sort, and they don’t, and they report nothing. They haven’t sifted finely enough; they haven’t thought subtly enough. These walls of earth ought to tell what these people ate,
what clothes they wore, what woods they used. Was this a sheep land then as it is now, or a cattle land? Were these hills covered by forests? I don’t know. These archaeologists don’t know. Or if they do they haven’t told me, which is just as bad. I don’t believe they know.
“What trade came here along these tracks? So far as I know, they had no beasts of burthen. But suppose one day someone were to find a potsherd here from early Knossos, or a fragment of glass from Pepi’s Egypt.”
The place had stirred up his imagination. He wrestled with his ignorance as if he thought that by talking he might presently worry out some picture of this forgotten world, without metals, without beasts of burthen, without letters, without any sculpture that has left a trace, and yet with a sense of astronomical fact clear enough to raise the great gnomon of Silbury, and with a social system complex enough to give the large and orderly community to which the size of Avebury witnesses and the traffic to which the green roads testify.
The doctor had not realized before the boldness and liveliness of his companion’s mind. Sir Richmond insisted that the climate must have been moister and milder in those days; he covered all the downlands with woods, as Savernake was still covered; beneath the trees he restored a thicker, richer soil. These people must have done an enormous lot with wood. This use of stones here was a freak. It was the very strangeness of stones here that had made them into sacred things. One thought too much of the stones of the Stone Age. Who would carve these lumps of quartzite when one could carve good oak? Or beech—a most carvable wood. Especially when one’s sharpest chisel was a flint. “It’s wood we ought to look for,” said Sir Richmond. “Wood and fibre.” He declared that these people had their tools of wood, their homes of wood, their gods and perhaps their records of wood. “A peat bog here, even a few feet of clay, might have pickled some precious memoranda… . No such luck… . Now in Glastonbury marshes one found the life of the early iron age—half way to our own times—quite beautifully pickled.”
Though they wrestled mightily with the problem, neither Sir Richmond nor the doctor could throw a gleam of light upon the riddle why the ditch was inside and not outside the great wall.
The Secret Places of the Heart Page 8