by Davis, L. D.
It sounded as if she was trying to scream out her words of distress, but it was faint aloud in reality. She turned to her side and curled into a ball as little sobs escaped her lips.
“My baby,” she mewed. “You’re going to hurt my baby.”
It hit me then. It really hit me. I knew that Kyle was somehow responsible for the emotional scars that Lucas’s Mom – Emmy – tried to keep hidden, but now I believed whatever he had done was far more sinister than just being a douche bag. Whatever it was he did, he did it to my son, too.
*~~~*
The next day was off to a bad start. I had sat up all night thinking about what to do about Emmy and her nightmares. I didn’t know if I should confront her or leave it alone. If it was just about her, I probably would have minded my own business, but Lucas was definitely involved and Lucas was my business. I just didn’t know if what happened to him was in or out of the womb.
By the time I fell asleep, the sky was beginning to light up the morning sky. I was shaken awake by Emmy an hour after I should have been up and ready to walk out of the door. I jumped off of the couch, crashing into her. She stumbled back, but I grabbed her waist to steady her. That was the first time I touched her in a long time. If I had time I would have thought about how surprisingly refreshing it was to feel her curves and not Claire’s bony body. I released her as I murmured an apology and darted out of the room to get ready for work.
I showered in record time and almost shouted with relief when I saw that Emmy had picked out a suit and tie for me and laid it out on the bed. Hell, she even put out a pair of boxers and socks.
I dressed quickly and dashed out into the living room. Emmy was holding a smiling Lucas in one arm and had my coat draped over her other arm while she held my briefcase. Again, perfect wife material, if she wasn’t who she was…
I took the coat and briefcase with appreciation and leaned in to kiss Lucas goodbye. As I was pulling away, I got a whiff of Emmy’s scent and was shocked at how sad I suddenly felt.
“Just a second,” she said and turned around to the dining room table. She handed me a reusable shopping bag. “Breakfast and lunch,” she said and shifted Lucas to her other arm.
I held the bag and looked at it with a dumbfounded expression. She’s given me lunch before, and on weekends she makes me breakfast, but something about this was…touching.
“It’s just an egg and bacon sandwich,” she shrugged. “But I figured you don’t have time to stop. I think I heard you tell someone on the phone that you had to be in court rather early today.”
“Yes,” I said stupidly. “Thanks.”
I turned away and rushed out of the door before I did something ridiculous, like smile.
When I walked into the office, I was once again reminded of what shit shape it was in. Kacey sat at her desk texting on her phone. I usually ignored this, but I was moody.
“Put the phone away and do something useful,” I snapped at her as I passed by her desk.
“We had to send away another client this morning,” Craig said, following me into my office. I liked Craig. He was very young, just barely out of high school, but he was a hard worker and took the pressure working in our screwed up environment well. He was a fast talker, though, spoke a mile a minute, especially when he was feeling said pressure.
“We have got to get this office in order, Luke. This place is turning into an absolute nightmare when it should be effin’ amazing. We shouldn’t have to turn clients away just because we’re completely unorganized. What is Kacey for? Isn’t she supposed to be part of that organization process? And for shit’s sake, Luke, the reception area out there looks like the reception area before the gates to hell and Kacey looks like a gargoyle guarding the gates to hell. Who am I kidding? The reception room to the gates of hell are probably fucking fabulous. I keep looking at it and expecting to see Michael Keaton all dressed up as Beetle Juice and that guy with the shrunken head and the lady cut in half.”
I stopped staring open mouthed at Craig after every one of his rants a long time ago, but sometimes it was the only reaction I could muster. This was one of those times.
“I wish I could do more, but I can’t. I’m only one person working for four attorneys in a piece of crap law firm. No offense.”
“None taken,” I said and tried to get myself together. I had to be in court in less than an hour. “Look, money is extremely tight right now. I can’t hire anyone else just yet.”
“Then make that woman out there do her job,” Craig demanded as he handed me the very file I was looking for.
“I’ll try, but I don’t want to push her out the door. No one else will work for what I’m paying her.”
“Maybe if you were paying her more money she would care a little more,” Craig said walking to the door. “Just saying.”
The moment Craig stepped out of my office, Kacey pounced on him, yelling at him about not minding his own business, the usual pleasantries between the two young employees. A moment later as I walked back through the reception area, I snapped at the pair to stop arguing and get back to work. That’s all I needed was for one of my current clients to walk in and find a morning brawl.
Court wasn’t too much better later. I lost good ground on what I thought was a very strong case in my client’s favor. I should have been prepared for what the opposing counsel had up their sleeve, but admittedly I was distracted by many things – Claire and the busted condom fiasco, Emmy and her nightmares and wondering how my son was involved, the state of the office and wondering how the hell we were going to stay afloat if I had to keep turning people away and my current clients weren’t exactly rolling in the dough.
Later that night after Lucas was in bed, I sat on the living room couch looking towards the kitchen where Emmy was cleaning up. I couldn’t see her, but I could hear the hum of the dishwasher, the water running in the sink, and occasionally I’d hear a light cough or a sigh. I never cared to know what was going on in her head before, but now I was dying to get between her ears and know the things she knew, to relive what she lived when I was not there.
I was angry that Lucas was possibly hurt. The anger ran deep, contending with my dark emotions regarding the time I missed of his life because of Emmy’s foolish decisions. I was angry for my son, but I would be the biggest douche bag in Chicago if I wasn’t also angry for Emmy. Regardless of what she did to me, if Kyle Sterling physically hurt her, I wanted to personally break every bone in his smug body. I wanted him to hurt her, I really did, but not with his hands. I only had wanted her to feel the same emotional pain I had felt after I pulled my head out of the sand and faced the fact that she was not only truly screwing Kyle, but it didn’t appear that she was going to stop. I did not want her to suffer any physical abuse, and admittedly, I was still a douche bag for wanting her to suffer at all.
Emmy stepped out of the kitchen, wiping her wet hands on her jeans as she took a look around the living room and dining area to make sure everything was cleaned up. She did not look at me or say anything to me before disappearing into the room for the night. Up until this point, this was our version of normal and I was okay with normal. This time it wasn’t sitting well with me and I didn’t know what to do about it.
I did what any grown ass man would do in my position. I went to my big sister’s for some hot chocolate and a dose of harsh, cold reality.
*~~~*
On my way to Lena’s I dialed Claire at her office. She always worked late on Tuesdays. I wanted to make sure that she was okay, but I especially wanted to make sure that she went to the pharmacy like she said she would, but she didn’t answer. It was possible she was very busy or even in a late meeting, so I didn’t call back. I was going to trust that she did what she said she would do and not put us in a potentially dire situation.
I let myself into Lena’s like I did that night after I met Lucas for the first time. This time she wasn’t expecting me, but when I stepped into the kitchen she didn’t look surprised to see me. Immediatel
y she pulled another mug out of the cabinet.
“I’m glad you stopped by,” she said as she poured hot cocoa into the mug.
“Me, too,” I said and gladly took the steaming mug from her.
“Do you want some cookies?”
I looked at her with suspicion. “I came here to get some things off of my mind, but bringing out the cookies means you have something of your own to say.”
She grinned as she produced a container of cookies. “I can’t offer my little brother a fresh, homemade cookie?”
“Now I’m just plain scared,” I frowned, but eagerly removed the plastic lid and took a few cookies.
Lena sat down across from me and didn’t waste any time making me earn my chocolate chip cookies.
“You’re an asshole,” she said conversationally. “Do you know what an epic asshole you are?”
I said nothing, because I knew she was about to tell me what an epic asshole I was.
“You invite that woman and her baby into your home – to make it their own home, but it’s not a home. It’s a tomb. With baby stuff. I know you were angry and hurt about what Emmy did, Luke, but you have to move past it or let Emmy take Lucas and move out.”
“Am I supposed to just forget what she did, Lena? Is that what you’re suggesting?” I asked quietly, trying not to snap at her.
“Actually, yes. That is exactly what I am saying, Luke. You are treating her like shit.”
“I am not treating her like shit,” I argued.
“Yes, you are! You completely ignore her, as if she isn’t even worth the breath your words would use.”
“Maybe she’s not,” I muttered, knowing how cruel I sounded.
“See? Epic. Asshole.” She took a bite of a cookie and sipped her hot chocolate.
“What do you want me to do, Lena? Treat her like a fucking queen?”
She pointed at me as she swallowed her cookie. “That’s exactly what you should be doing. Emmy is the mother of your son – you don’t even pretend to talk to her even when you’re surrounded by your family. The only time you talk to her is if you guys need to talk about Lucas, and even then, you rather talk at her and not to her.”
“Should I sit down with her every night over a cup of fucking hot chocolate and ask her how her day was?” I growled.
“It wouldn’t kill you,” Lena said seriously. “Can you not see that she is suffering?”
I shifted uncomfortably. I tried not to see it, but of course I did.
“Luke, I think Emmy is very depressed.”
“Oh, so now you’re a doctor of psychiatry,” I snapped.
“No, you asshole,” she snapped back. “I have a pair of eyes that work just fine, as do you. You can’t miss the misery that woman is carrying around with her, but you choose to ignore it.”
“I’m not the one that damaged her,” I reminded Lena. “It was the other way around.”
“Everything is all about you, isn’t it?”
I knew Lena was getting angry when she pushed away her mug and threw down her cookie. I also knew that I was going to be in a fair amount of trouble and at risk of getting my ass kicked if her hot chocolate was no longer hot when she got back to it.
“I understand that you are still angry, but she’s beating herself up enough, Luke. She probably thinks she deserves the way you’re treating her, but she doesn’t. Emmy is an excellent mother to Lucas and she’s right here with the rest of us helping to take care of Mom, and need I remind you of your clean apartment and hot dinners every night? She does not deserve to be treated as terribly as you’re treating her. Stop punishing her, Luke. It’s not like you to be cruel, but you are going above and beyond to be cruel to Emmy.”
I sighed as I focused on picking at my cookie. “I’m not sure I can just stop being hurt by what she did.”
“You may never stop being hurt by what she did,” Lena said. “But you won’t even try. You need to really look at her and you need to really try to make it work better than it is now, because this isn’t good for Lucas either.”
I knew she was right. No matter how stubborn I was being about it, I knew Lena was absolutely right, but I didn’t know how to change it. How do I just suddenly open up casual dialogue with someone I disliked so hard for so long, and with someone I loved so hard but hurt me fifty times harder? That was why I was sitting in Lena’s kitchen, though. I don’t know why I fought her so hard when the very reason I showed up at my sister’s was to get advice on how to begin to repair my relationship with Emmy.
“She has nightmares,” I said softly as I stared at the cookie crumbs on the table. “I don’t know how long they’ve been going on, but last night I heard her and…”
I crushed the remaining cookies in my hand.
“What happened to her?” Lena asked gently. “Something has happened to her. I can see it in her eyes.”
“I think he hurt her,” I said as both my hands closed into tight fists. “It’s possible he hurt Lucas, too.”
“The other guy?”
I nodded. Lena was quiet for a long time before she spoke again.
“But…if he would have hurt Lucas, surely she would have said something.”
I gave her a dubious look. “She didn’t even tell us about Lucas until he was five months old, Lena.”
“I know, but that’s different. I think Sam would have spoken up.”
“Maybe,” I said, still feeling doubtful. “Maybe Sam doesn’t know.”
“Well,” she sighed. “Emmy’s not going to open up to you right now. It’s going to take some time, and you’re going to have to be nicer.”
“I guess we should at least be able to have a conversation that doesn’t involve groceries or Lucas,” I sighed. “But I don’t want you to expect too much out of this.”
“I only expect for you to be the kind hearted soul I know you are,” she said, retrieving her mug of cocoa. “Maybe you can get her out of the house more, too. She doesn’t get out much at all.”
“I should hire her in the office,” I snorted.
I was only joking, but Lena said “Why not? Isn’t that her thing?”
I looked at my sister. “I’m not sure if she is ready to go back to work, and we don’t have a babysitter.”
“You won’t know until you ask her, and god knows that you can use some help getting the firm in order.”
“What about Lucas?” I asked, feeling a little optimistic about the whole thing.
“I’ll watch him,” she shrugged.
“Okay,” I nodded slowly. “I’ll ask her.”
Just like that I got the answer I needed. I now knew how to begin the healing process with Emmy. I didn’t set my hopes very high, but at least I now had a starting point.
Chapter Seven
Emmy moved around the kitchen preparing dinner, lost in her own thoughts. When I walked in holding Lucas, she only acknowledged me with a glance, believing I was going to get whatever I needed and get the hell out, but when I moved closer to where she was working, she looked up, a little startled.
“I need a huge favor,” I said.
She looked at me expectantly – rather she looked at a point below my eyes.
“My office is a mess. It's so disorganized and we're incredibly busy. My receptionist...well, she's just a receptionist. I need someone to come in and get us organized and on track.”
“You're asking me?” Her eyes looked into mine for the first time in months, and her mouth hung open in genuine surprise.
“Yes, I am. You're a very good office manager. I wish I had thought to ask you sooner.”
“I can try.” She shrugged and turned her attention back to the stove. “When?”
“Tomorrow,” I said, adjusting Lucas in my arms.
“What am I supposed to do with Lucas?”
“Lena will take him.”
I could tell she was conflicted. She probably had no intentions of going back to work anytime soon and leaving our son in the care of someone else. She bit her bottom
lip as she thought about it. I had forgotten how sexy I used to think it was when she pulled that lip between her teeth.
Slow down, I told myself. I had to remember that my intentions were to get help in my office while opening a casual dialogue within our home, not to rekindle any kind of flame.
“I’ll do it,” Emmy said finally.
“Thank you so much,” I breathed. I realized I sounded like I was gushing a little bit. “I know you will be a big, big help.”
“I hope so,” she said quietly.
“You will be. I know it. Hey, at least this gets you out of the house for a little while. Maybe this will be good for you. You haven't been yourself.” That was the understatement of the century. This woman that has been slinking around my apartment all of these months was someone else entirely.
“I haven't been myself in two years,” she said softly, still refusing to meet my eyes.
I took a deep breath. In order to move forward we were going to have to acknowledge some faults – from both of us. I didn’t want the conversation to get too deep after so much non-communicating, but I couldn’t walk away from her words, especially since they made my chest ache a little bit.
“Look, I know I haven't made things any easier,” I said. “I guess I didn't realize how bad things are here until Lena brought it to my attention.”
Finally her eyes met mine. I was shocked at how gratifying that was, but Emmy was looking at me for an explanation.
“She said it was like a tomb in here, that unless we're talking to or about Lucas we don't talk at all. She said that even when we're at family functions, I barely acknowledge you.”
I felt like the epic asshole I was for acknowledging it out loud. Lucas had been quiet throughout the conversation thus far, as if he had known that this needed to be done, but now he was babbling and vying for my attention. I gladly gave it to him, because I was honestly feeling a little nervous about what she was going to do with the information I gave her. Was she going to agree with my sister and put me in my place like the old Emmy would, or was she going to just quietly accept and forgive? I kind of wanted her to tell me I’ve been an asshole.