by Davis, L. D.
“You know how it feels to want someone who will only cause you more pain,” Lena said in the present. “You knew that you would probably just get hurt even more when you flew out there back then, but you did it anyway. You can’t say you can blame Emmy for talking to Kyle, even though she knows it might not end well. You tried to do it, too. After almost two years, she hasn’t contacted him,” she pointed out. “And if we’re going to be specific, it was Kyle that made first contact.”
I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“So, what am I supposed to do, Lena? I don’t want him around Lucas and quite frankly I don’t want him around Emmy. I just want my family back here.”
“You’re not going to get her back by caging her up, Luke. The whole time she’s been out here she hasn’t even gone to Louisiana. She hasn’t gone anywhere, and you know Emmy’s been all over the damn world. You can’t make her come back here like that. It’s only going to backfire.”
“What if I ask her?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“Then she’s going to feel obligated and have the same result. You’re going to have to trust her on this one, Luke. I know after the past it’s hard for you to trust her where Kyle is involved, but you have to let her work this out herself.”
I dragged a hand over my face. “What if she doesn’t want to come back, Lena?”
“Honestly? I don’t think that’s going to happen. There’s so much more to lose besides…well besides you. Sorry, but that’s true. I think she needs to get some closure and she’ll be okay.”
“What if you’re wrong?” I asked tightly.
“I’m not wrong.”
“What if you are?”
“But I’m not.”
“Lena!” I roared. “This is fucking serious!”
“I know it is,” she said soothingly. “And I am serious. I don’t think I am wrong, but in the event that I am, we’ll worry about that then.”
“So, what the hell am I supposed to do until then?”
“Not get arrested for one,” she muttered. “Go on with your life.”
“Emmy and Lucas are my life. I can’t just lie down and die and not fight for them.”
“I’m not telling you not to fight, Luke,” she said in exasperation. “I just want you to fight smarter.”
Only because my sister rarely led me wrong did I not get on the next plane to Philly to drag Emmy back, but I wasn’t sure how long my patience would hold out.
Chapter Nineteen
“Are you sorry for calling me a heart eating bitch?” Vivian asked me. Craig and I were walking into the courthouse Thursday morning when she walked up beside me as if she belonged with us.
“Are you sorry for slapping me?” I asked and sipped on my cup of coffee.
“No,” she laughed and looked at me incredulously.
“Then you are what you are,” I said and tipped my cup towards her as if to toast to her heart eating bitchy ways.
“I’m going to take that as a compliment, Luke Kessler,” she said and then snatched my coffee away from me. “Thanks for the coffee.”
She walked ahead of me, drinking my coffee as if it were made just for her.
“Wow,” Craig said, watching her walk away. “If I was straight, that could have given me a hard on. For a woman who eats other attorneys for breakfast, she’s kind of hot.”
“She took my coffee,” I complained.
“Forget your coffee. You better have a good apology for the judge and you better put on your A game because Deluca looks ravenous.”
I nodded in agreement and started to get my head together. My fight with Emmy was still fresh, but I needed to focus. With some effort, I was able to push her out of my mind and prepare myself for battle with Vivian.
“I hope you are in a better state of mind today, Mr. Kessler,” Judge Marsen said a half hour later.
“I am. I apologize for my behavior, your Honor,” I said sincerely, and then added. “Bad hair day.”
A few snickers arose from the few people seated behind me, but the judge was not amused and neither was her bailiff.
I made it through the day without having another temper tantrum. I also made it through the day without checking my phone ten thousand times to see if Emmy called or texted. The only time she had called me since that phone call about Kyle was the night I was in jail. Even then, Lucas left a message for me on voicemail and she had said nothing. Maybe she was angry and hurt, too, not like she had any right to be.
Despite my original plan to drag her caveman style back to Chicago, I was still too angry to talk to her. I talked to Lucas every evening for a couple of minutes, and Emmy made sure that we Skyped every few days and I was thankful for that. I didn’t talk to her, but she was always there in the background holding Lucas. I couldn’t get a read on how she was feeling or what she was thinking, and I had no idea what she was doing or who she was doing it with. Many times I picked up my phone to call her. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to hear her reassure me that she wasn’t with Kyle. Hell, I wanted her to forget about the damn piece of shit bar and the beach and to come home.
But I always put my phone back down; stubbornness always won.
Fortunately, I was extremely busy at the firm with an upcoming mega case and I wasn’t left with a lot of free time to harp on the whole situation. My staff and I were working late into every night, and the days I wasn’t in court I was up to my ears in paperwork, studying and researching and organizing to fortify my case. We had our biggest client yet. A win would not only bring millions to the firm, but open up so many more doors to add to the ones Emmy had opened for us.
We were all feeling the pressure and stress with this case. The holiday weekend was coming up and Steve and I wanted everyone to actually enjoy it and not work. The trial was set to start the Tuesday after Labor Day, so in the days leading up to the weekend, everyone was snippy. Emmy had finally decided to try to speak to me again and asked me about my Labor Day plans, but I was truly distracted by the work on my desk and gave her a simple one word answer. A part of me was relieved that she still wanted me, but another part of me was still bitter and angry and stubborn. I should have said more, but I didn’t, but it really had less to do with her than with unbelievable amount of work I had to do.
“If you're going to be like this again, I may as well not come back,” she snapped. “Lucas and I can settle down somewhere else.”
What. The. Fuck. Threatening to take my son away from me was the worst move she could have possibly made.
“I can't come out there, Emmy!” I yelled. “I'm busy! Don't you understand that?”
She of all people should have understood. She was working the day I acquired the case and she was working the day we got the court date. Maybe she had forgotten, but she should have known that I wanted nothing more than to spend my days on the beach with Lucas and to not have to wake up every morning wondering if Emmy fucked Kyle yet.
“The only thing I am understanding is your bad attitude,” she had hissed and then hung up on me.
Cursing, I called her back but was immediately greeted by her voicemail. I put both hands in my hair and swallowed back a roar of exasperation. The past few weeks have felt like fucking junior high school with Emmy. Instead of talking like the grown ass adults we were, we were playing childish games like Silent Treatment and Say Something Juvenile and Hang Up. What was next? Were we going to start in on the Yo Momma insults?
It started deep in my gut and burst its way up and out of my mouth. I hadn’t laughed in so long, truly laughed, and now I couldn’t stop. I sat back in my chair laughing my ass off so hard that my sides began to ache. Minutes later when I was breathless and still snickering, I picked up the framed picture of Emmy and Lucas on my desk.
“Oh, you sure do make life interesting, Esmeralda Grayne,” I chuckled as I ran my thumb over her smiling face.
All of my anger and bitterness and distrust spilled out of me with my laughter. My epic temper tantrum was o
ver.
My anger was gone, but Emmy was still pissed off. I didn’t blame her. I had been a royal jackass. I still got to speak to Lucas every day, and I spoke to Emmy briefly when she informed me that she and Lucas would be going to Louisiana. That leg of her trip was unexpected, but it had been a long time since she had gone, and even as much as she dislikes Sam, I imagined that sometimes a girl just needed her mom. I also had a feeling she wanted a little bit more time to get her head together before returning to Chicago. I wasn’t sure if she saw Kyle again or what it had done to her, and I very much wanted to know, but I didn’t ask. I let her do what she needed to do, even if it meant virtually ignoring me for a while longer.
More than a week after I put on my big boy pants, I was sitting in my office, preparing to meet a client. After all our prepping for trial, three days into it, the defendant wanted to settle, and their offer was more generous than we could have expected. Now I was back in my office, with a little less stress on my shoulders. The phone rang. I almost let it go to my voicemail, but changed my mind at the last second.
“Luke Kessler,” I answered absently.
“We need a house, with a yard, so you can play catch with Lucas,” Emmy said on the other line.
I smiled as my whole body relaxed at the sound of her voice. My chest felt so much lighter as relief washed over me.
“That's random,” I said.
“Sometimes I'm random.”
“Sometimes?”
There was a brief silence and then a very quiet sigh.
“Are we still fighting?” she asked, sounding defeated.
“Depends,” I said carefully. “Do I have to fight anyone for you?”
“You would fight for me?” she asked in a small and quiet voice.
“To the death,” I said firmly and clearly.
I could almost hear her smiling.
“I'm sorry I was being an ass,” I apologized sincerely.
“I'm sorry for giving you a reason to be an ass.” Her apology was just as sincere.
“You don't have to apologize, Emmy. I've been trying to get you to open up to me for months and I blew it the first time that you said something I didn't like.” Shame tingled up my spine as I thought about my behavior.
“Well, I didn't exactly make you feel secure in our relationship.”
“If I'm insecure, it's my own fault. I trust you, one hundred percent,” I said as Kacey stepped in and indicated my client had arrived. “Listen, I have to go. I have a client waiting for me. I'll call you tonight.”
“Okay. I love you,” she said, her voice high with hope.
My heart expanded and nearly choked me with emotion.
“I love you, too, babe,” I managed.
Chapter Twenty
I was lying in bed, with the phone pressed to my ear. I was sleepy, but I didn’t want to stop talking to Emmy. I barely spoke to her for weeks, and the past few nights hearing her voice was feeding my soul nutrients I didn’t know was missing.
“When are you coming home?” I asked her as I stretched my arm across the bed.
“You asked me that twice already tonight,” she said with a yawn.
“Obviously, your answer was unsatisfactory or I wouldn’t be asking again.”
“I’ll be home in about a week,” she said for the third time that night.
“That’s a week too long,” I murmured, but I understood. Emmy was making an effort to spend some time with the family she always felt so separate from. I bugged her about coming home, but I understood why she wanted to stay.
“You’ve been gone too long,” I said softly. “And I don’t mean just physically.”
She was quiet for a moment but I heard her soft sighing.
“It’s been a long road back,” she finally said. “I have to tell you something, Luke.”
My eyes had been closed, but they opened and I rolled over onto my back and waited patiently.
“Before I left New Jersey, I went to see Kyle.”
The last time she admitted something like this to me resulted in a very long, bitter standoff. This time I kept my emotions under control.
“Okay,” I said tightly.
“I can’t lie to you and tell you I don’t care about him. I’ll always care about him.” She sighed deeply. “I let him go. I don’t know about him, but I gave myself the closure I needed. I don’t know if I’ll ever be…who I was before…the whole triangle debacle, but I feel like I am now ready to try.”
I wanted to ask her how she got her closure. Did she kiss him? Did she press her body against his? Did she find her closure in his bed? I didn’t ask those questions, though. I had to trust her. I asked something less accusatory.
“How did he take it?”
“Resistant almost to the very end,” she said softly as if her mind was back there with him. “But then, so was I. Whatever he had for me wasn’t worth losing what I have now and will have with you. I just wanted you to know.”
“Thank you for telling me,” I said gratefully. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore, at least not right now. Eventually we will have to have a conversation, Emmy.”
“Yes, I know,” she conceded. “What would you like to talk about?”
I grinned. “What are you wearing?”
She laughed. Her laughter edged away any thoughts of Kyle and what she could have done with him, and not too long after that her soft moans over the phone washed away our bitter standoff altogether.
*~~~*
The evening news had just started. I was sitting on the couch willing the hours to pass faster so I could talk to Emmy again. I had spoken to her briefly earlier in the afternoon, but she was out somewhere and couldn’t talk long. When I heard a key in the door, I assumed it was Lena. She showed up at random times to bring me home cooked meals so that I wouldn’t be entirely dependent on Spam and take-out.
I heard little feet and before I could process what I thought I heard, Lucas appeared with his arms stretched out, squealing with joy. I knew how he felt because I was ready to squeal with joy.
“Hey, buddy! I'm so surprised to see you!”
I picked him up and squeezed him tighter than I probably should have as I kissed him until he pushed my face away. I rushed to the tiny foyer. Emmy was pulling shit through the door. I thought my heart was going to burst when I laid my eyes on her.
“Surprise,” she said with a genuine but exhausted smile.
“I am surprised,” I grinned. “I wasn't expecting you guys for a few more days.”
I maneuvered around a few bags on the floor to give Emmy a brief kiss. I wanted more. I wanted to kiss her until we both couldn’t breathe and then take her to bed and kiss her some more before tearing her clothes off, but I was holding our son, and I wasn’t ready to put him down for anything.
“We were homesick, weren't we Lucas?”
“Homethicks,” Lucas said.
“I missed you so much,” I said to him. “Don’t ever leave your daddy again.”
Emmy left the bags by the door and yawned as she moved into the living room.
“I’m so tired of driving,” she said. “I think I’m still tired from the drive from Jersey to Louisiana and that was days ago.”
Lucas wiggled to get out of my arms. I put him down and he took off to go get reacquainted with his toys. I sat down on the couch, pulling Emmy down into my lap.
“I don’t want you driving alone like that again,” I said. I felt like an idiot that I had not realized until it was too late that she had driven to Louisiana opposed to some kind of mass transit. The trip from Louisiana to Chicago was significantly less time, but even that made me feel uncomfortable.
“We had too much crap to cart around,” she objected, but softened. “But I’ll figure something else out next time. If there is a next time. I never want to do that much driving again. Like ever.”
“No need to worry about that,” I said, pulling her closer. “You’re not leaving without me again. Like ever. You’re never g
oing to be out of my sight again.”
She smiled up at me. “What about when you have to work?”
“I’ll work from home.”
“What if you have court?”
“I’ll bring you with me and handcuff you to a chair.”
She snickered. “What if I have to pee?”
“I’ve seen those parts of you before you know.”
“What if I have to…you know…”
“Are you deaf? You will never. Ever. Be out of my sight again.”
“I’m pretty sure there is some kind of law against restraining me.”
“Baby,” I grinned. “I’m a law professional. I know my way around these things.”
I kissed her before she could ask me anymore what ifs. With my hand at the back of her head, I held her unyieldingly as I reacquainted myself with her mouth. It had been too long since I had tasted her and I never intended to go more than a day without Emmy again. Wherever she needed or wanted to go, I would follow. I would never survive any kind of separation from her or Lucas again. They were my definition of home. They were where my heart was. Without them I am homeless, hopeless, and hardly worth breathing.
Lucas interrupted us before long, rightfully insisting that he be the center of attention. I eased Emmy off of my lap and chased the little man around the apartment. Soon Em joined in and we all three of us were running around the apartment laughing and playing, and probably driving the neighbors below us crazy. But they would have to be patient this once, because life felt right again, and I wasn’t about to let anyone diffuse that.