by Deb Kastner
“He was in the orchestra, too, first trumpet,” Delia said, trying to point the conversation in another direction. Hopefully, Zach didn’t lead the town marching band, or she was really going to be in trouble, she thought wryly.
Her comment seemed to do the trick, and the conversation drifted in other directions. It wasn’t long before the meal was over and Riley was beginning to squirm in his seat. As her son became antsy, the butterflies in her own stomach grew worse, as if they’d grown sharp edges on their wings.
In some sense, it warmed Delia’s heart to see the two of them that way, with the father-and-son camaraderie flowing so naturally between them.
It also made her feel guilty. She should have fixed this mistake years ago.
Riley and Zach deserved to be together. Much to her regret, she knew that now.
If only she could go back in time…
Zach appeared to be lingering over his meal as much as Delia was; but both of them knew the boy couldn’t be put off forever.
“Delicious dinner, Zach,” she commented, setting her napkin down by her now-empty plate. “Almost as good as the real, home-cooked thing.”
Zach winked at her, and she drew back a smile at their inside joke.
“Yeah, it was great, Coach,” Riley added impatiently, unaware of Delia’s veiled allusion. “Can I go play my video game now?”
Zach frowned and appeared to be carefully considering Riley’s request.
“Please?” the boy pleaded.
“Put your dishes in the sink, please,” Delia instructed more calmly than she felt. “And then sit back down. Zach—Coach—and I need to talk to you about something.”
Riley didn’t look too thrilled, but he did what she asked—snatching up his plate and glass and tossing them into the sink negligently. When Delia heard what she thought was the sound of breaking glass, she flinched.
“Riley,” she exclaimed, aghast with her son’s careless behavior. “Be careful with those dishes.”
“I didn’t break anything, Mom,” the boy assured her, reaching out to take the other plates on the table as well.
“It’s okay,” Zach said offhandedly. “Really.”
“It is not okay,” Delia countered, standing to her feet and gathering the silverware. “We are guests in your home and Riley will behave himself.”
Abruptly, Zach sat back in his chair and brushed a hand down his jaw, his gaze filled with anguish.
Delia was confused for a moment before she understood his change in demeanor. She’d blurted out something that had hurt him.
Delia was a guest in his home, but Riley was not. The boy belonged here.
He was family.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized softly and for Zach’s ears only. “I didn’t think before I spoke.”
“No problem.” Zach’s voice was gruff until he turned to Riley. His face lit up with pure pleasure every time he looked at his son. It was clear how much Riley meant to him. Hopefully, Riley would feel the same way about Zach. Given time, she believed he would.
She poured herself and Zach two steaming mugs of coffee and then sat back down at the table. There was a moment of silence as the adults pondered what to say. Riley looked from one to the other of them expectantly.
She caught Zach’s eye and gave a brief, affirmative nod.
They couldn’t wait any longer. The time had come to tell Riley the truth.
Chapter Eleven
Zach’s heart beat wildly in his chest as he stared across the table at Riley, knowing his next words were going to change the boy’s world. Taking a deep breath, he laid a gentle hand on Riley’s shoulder and waited until he had the boy’s full attention.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why you and your mom are celebrating Christmas with me here at my house.”
Zach paused as Riley nodded.
“Is it because I’m new in town?” the boy asked hesitantly. “Are you just trying to be extra nice to me because I don’t know anybody yet?”
Zach shook his head. “No, not this time, champ.”
Riley’s face fell. “I don’t get it.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you moved to Serendipity. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re here.” He was quaking inside. He hoped it didn’t show on his face.
“I like you a lot.”
Riley looked down at his hands, rubbing one thumb on top of the other. “You do?”
Zach exhaled slowly. He’d been preparing himself for this moment since the night he’d discovered he was Riley’s father. But now, that it was here, he wasn’t sure how to handle it, how to say what needed to be said.
He glanced at Delia, but Zach didn’t think she was going to be much help. She looked like she was about to pass out right on the spot.
This was frightening for both of them. They were hanging on a precipice in a dangerous and delicate position. One wrong step would send all of them tumbling off the edge, including Riley. But the only way to solve this problem was to work through it—let go and hope they all survived the fall.
“Yes, I like you a lot,” Zach repeated. He stood and walked around the table to Riley’s side and then crouched before him, looking him straight in the eye. “And that’s why we’re together today. Your mom and I have something important to tell you.”
Riley switched his gaze, wide with panic, to his mother. Zach knew the tone of the conversation was getting way too serious for the boy, and it tugged at his heart that he had to put Riley through this.
Riley had been so happy only moments before. Now the boy’s shoulders were stiff and his head was bowed. What if everything went wrong?
From the corner of his eye, Zach saw Delia flinch. She looked absolutely dejected and her troubled eyes glistened with unshed tears.
Zach struggled once again to find the words to tell him the truth. He cleared his throat several times before anything coherent came out of his mouth.
“I’m your dad.”
The boy’s brown eyes, so like Zach’s own, widened to epic proportions, but Zach couldn’t tell if it was out of surprise, shock or dismay.
“You’re my dad?” Riley repeated quietly, but to Zach, it seemed like the statement echoed in the air. The boy’s gaze flashed between bewildered and accusatory but met Zach’s square-on.
Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Zach prayed with his whole heart that his son would accept him. He was terrified of the possibility of facing rejection—he’d never been so frightened of anything in his life. His heart hammered in his ears.
“You’ve got it, champ. What do you think of that?”
Riley shrugged, but he didn’t try to leave. Zach released the breath he was holding. He felt rather than saw Delia stand and step behind him.
Zach continued in a raspy voice. “I know you must feel very confused right now, and you probably have a lot of questions.”
Zach was feeling more than a little disoriented himself. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how Riley felt.
“Just remember that your father and I both love you very much,” Delia added, her usually rich alto voice scratchy with emotion.
“How come I didn’t know?” Angry and hurting, Riley clenched his fists and pounded on the table top. “If you love me, why didn’t you tell me before now?”
Zach glanced back at Delia. The question was inevitable, and Delia had to field it whether she liked it or not. Zach had no idea how much—or how little—she’d said about him.
Maybe she hadn’t mentioned him at all.
Delia’s eyes wet with tears, she nodded, acknowledging that the question would be hers. She held out both hands in a silent plea, but Riley yanked himself backward out of her reach.
“This
past year, you began asking me hard questions about who your dad was and why he wasn’t with us,” she explained softly. “You’re growing up, and I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding the subject forever. When we moved back to Serendipity because of your grandma, I knew it was time for you to meet your dad in person—and for him to get to know you, too.”
She paused thoughtfully, tears flowing unheeded down her cheeks. “I probably should have told you about him a long time ago.”
“Why didn’t you?” His accusatory words sliced through the air like a blade.
“Because I was afraid.”
Zach was stunned by Delia’s honesty. He had expected her to deflect, or at least hedge a little. She’d certainly had no problem doing so in the past.
And then after all this time of keeping silent and playing games with their lives, she now answered Riley’s questions directly and honestly—even though it had to be terribly painful for her to admit her part in it.
Riley glowered. “Scared of what, Mom? He’s my dad.”
That was Zach’s question, too, and he hung on breathlessly to hear the answer. What had she been afraid of?
Him?
Her lips twisted in that funny way she had when she was considering what to say.
“I don’t know,” she answered at last. “A lot of things, I suppose.”
That wasn’t an answer. It didn’t satisfy Zach, and it certainly didn’t satisfy Riley.
The boy crossed his arms and pulled them tight. His stinging gaze moved from Delia to Zach.
“How come you never came to see me in Baltimore?” Riley asked harshly.
Riley had hit the nail on the head, with the pointed side thrust directly through Zach’s gut. Zach’s heart roared in his ears and he struggled to pull in a breath through lungs that didn’t appear to be working.
He couldn’t answer Riley’s question without making Delia appear to be in the wrong—which of course she was—but Zach saw no sense in turning the knife on her.
Then again, Riley was placing the blame on him for not being there.
Zach’s gaze snapped back to Delia. Like Riley, she had her arms wrapped closely and defensively around her, and she looked completely miserable.
Guilty might be a better word for the expression on her face.
He couldn’t just ignore the tears welling in her deep blue eyes and flooding down her cheeks. This whole situation was all her fault, and yet he wanted to reach for her and comfort her.
That was incomprehensible—and completely insane.
He turned his gaze back to Riley. “I’m sorry for not being there for you,” he apologized, his heart about to burst. “I didn’t know I had a son.”
“You guys…you guys…I—I can’t…” Riley stammered, unable to complete his thoughts. He swiped the inside of his elbow across his face. Zach could see he was struggling not to cry.
“Come here, son,” Zach said, offering the strength of his embrace as he wrapped his arm around Riley. “It’s all good. We’ll figure this out—together.”
Delia placed one hand on Zach’s shoulder and the other on their son’s back. For one brief moment, the three of them were united.
And then Riley shook his head in protest and pushed away from the table, knocking his chair out from underneath him.
“No way. No way,” he repeated. He muttered something unintelligible as he pivoted on his feet and then ran out of the kitchen at full speed.
“Riley,” Zach called, feeling frustrated and rejected and at the end of his emotional rope.
“Let him go,” Delia suggested softly. Her hand slid from his shoulder to his elbow and down his arm. “Give him some time to process all this, and then I’ll go talk to him.”
“And say what?” He knew he sounded bitter, but how else was he supposed to feel? He’d just told Riley that he was his father and Riley had responded by running away.
He knew he was overreacting—and overly emotional. Of course he should have expected that Riley wouldn’t joyfully accept the news of his parentage the first time he heard of it. What boy would?
His head acknowledged the facts—but his heart, not so much. He felt disconsolate and empty—more than any other time in his life except when Delia had left him all those years ago.
“I don’t have any idea what I’m going to say, Zach,” Delia said quietly, her eyes once again filling with tears. Her gaze was resolute but her hands were shaking. “He’ll come around. I promise.”
Zach nodded, but he knew all too well that for Delia, promises were meant to be broken.
“Riley? Are you okay?” Delia slid down next to her son, who was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree, his back to the wall and his knees pulled into his chest.
He clenched his jaw tightly but he didn’t answer the question, nor would he look at her. Instead, he stared at a spot on the floor by his feet.
Delia sighed. “I know you’re angry with me. I don’t blame you.”
“I don’t get it.” Riley’s voice cracked with emotion as he struggled to hold back tears. “You used to tell me that my father was not in the picture. Then we come here and suddenly I have a dad?”
Delia struggled to find the right words. How could she explain the mistakes she’d made, and how she was now struggling to make everything right? It was way beyond what any nine-year-old boy could understand, or should ever have to know.
“Your father and I broke up before you were born,” Delia said. That was not exactly the way it had gone down, but it was close enough. “I was upset with him at the time and I didn’t want to see him again. Plus, we were out east, far away from Serendipity. I didn’t exactly have a lot of free time between going to school full-time and working to put food on the table.”
She knew even as she spoke that she could make excuses all day long and it wouldn’t begin to make up for the mistakes she’d made. More to the point, nothing she’d just said would matter to Riley at all. If she believed in God, this would have been a good time to pray.
“What’s done is done,” she said after a painful pause. “As much as I might want to, I can’t change the decisions I made in the past. But I do think you can have a good relationship with Zach—with your father—now.”
Riley shrugged and his arms dropped to his sides so that he was leaning on his hands. Delia was relieved to see the less-defensive gesture. It meant they were getting somewhere, although she knew it would take a long time for them to sort out all the details—and the emotions.
“Coach Bowden seems like a good guy,” Riley said thoughtfully.
“I think so,” she agreed, knowing that her deepest fear was that Zach might not be the man he appeared to be. He’d once hurt her beyond repair. She would not let him hurt Riley, too.
“Do I have to call him dad?”
Apparently, Zach had been hovering nearby for a while, although Delia hadn’t seen him. She wondered how much of the conversation he had heard. He stepped forward and crouched down in front of Riley.
“You don’t have to call me dad until—and if—you are ready to do so, son.” Zach paused and tilted his head. “I guess I ought to ask you if you mind me calling you son.”
Riley’s mouth twisted as he worked out his thoughts, a trait he’d picked up from Delia.
“I guess that’s okay,” the boy said hesitantly.
“This change isn’t going to happen overnight,” Delia said softly. “We don’t want you to feel awkward or confused.”
“We can go as slow as you want to,” Zach added in a reassuring tone.
“Can I tell my friends?” Riley sounded a bit less uncertain this time.
Delia’s heart lurched at the smile that suddenly lit up Zach’s face. It was like a rainbow after a storm. If she’d had any doubt
s about Zach’s intention to be a good father to Riley, they were put to rest now. She could see how important this was to him—how important Riley was to him. It was written all over his face.
She just didn’t know if it could stay this way.
“You bet you can, champ,” Zach agreed enthusiastically, pounding his fist into his open palm.
“But only when you’re ready,” Delia said, quickly amending Zach’s statement. She didn’t want her son to feel rushed, no matter that he seemed to be taking the news well.
She was glad Riley was working through the emotions he was experiencing; but there were warning bells going off in her head that she couldn’t ignore no matter how hard she tried.
This whole thing was moving fast—too fast. She didn’t feel capable of keeping up, even though it looked as if Zach and Riley might be.
“I can’t wait to see the guys’ faces when I tell them that my father is Coach Bowden.”
Zach chuckled. When he turned his head, he beamed his charming crooked grin right at her, and for a moment she forgot to be worried. She even forgot to breathe.
She’d once been desperately in love with this man. Her heart hadn’t forgotten what it was like to feel so fiercely for Zach, even if she’d done everything she could to put it out of her mind.
“I’ve got an idea,” Zach said eagerly. He stood to his feet, all six foot two inches of him, and reached out a hand to Riley. The boy accepted the offer and Zach helped him to his feet.
Zach immediately turned to Delia and offered her a hand up as well, reaching around to support her waist as she rose. He hadn’t been nearly this polite as a youth, that was for dead certain—but what hadn’t changed was the surge of electricity that struck her when their fingers touched.
“How about the three of us go to church together this Sunday?” Zach suggested casually, raising his eyebrows and continuing to smile as if he’d suggested they attend a baseball game or a cookout.
Delia frowned and shot Zach a warning look. They had already talked about this. Hadn’t he understood that she preferred for him not to talk to Riley about God?