by Tamsin Ley
On his hands and knees, Tovik squeezed his wide shoulders into the small space next to her. “You sure you’re on the right set of circuits?”
With a sudden yelp, he toppled forward. Just as abruptly, he was yanked backward out of the hole.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Kashatok’s low voice rattled the metal duct above her face.
“Anaq, dude!” The sound of scuffling reached her. “We’re just modulating the shield phasing. You want us to crack each other like eggs on our first piggyback?”
Letting go of her cables, Joy wriggled herself free. Kashatok’s fists held Tovik’s tunic and the black expression on his face would be enough to make a rakwiji male go limp.
“Kashatok, it’s okay.” She moved forward to stop him.
The captain gave Tovik a hard shove, sending him stumbling backward against the nearby console. The panel lit up at the impact, and a wave of data hurtled outward. It slammed into Joy’s mind like a pulse blast. Out of habit from over a year practicing with her camera, she threw up her data override protocols. But the incoming wave of data was huge.
Her vision went dark. Tovik’s angry response to Kashatok was lost to her as she stumbled backward, blinking.
Blinking.
Blinking.
She pressed both palms against her eye sockets and released them while information twittered incomprehensibly through her consciousness. Her veins slowly turned to ice. She felt like she could no longer breathe under the onslaught. Just before her legs collapsed beneath her, she gasped, “Kashatok, I can’t see.”
Chapter Ten
Kashatok hovered over Mek’s shoulder, watching the doctor run a scanner over Joy’s head for at least the fifth time. She lay unconscious on the cot in the Hardship’s medical bay while Jhikik, refusing to stray more than an arm’s length away from her shoulder, clicked a warning every time the doctor’s hand moved closer to her. Kashatok knew how he felt.
The instant Joy’d collapsed, he’d scooped her up and rushed to the Hardship’s medical bay. Qaiyaan and Lisa had met him at the boarding tube and now the couple stood close together at the far corner of the medical bay, murmuring softly together. The part of him that wasn’t intent on the dire situation envied the way they seemed to act as extensions of each other.
Mek set the scanner aside and turned to face Kashatok and the others. “I can’t yet determine if the damage to her optic nerve is permanent.”
Kashatok needed to punch someone. Or he needed a drink. “Why didn’t you warn her this could happen?”
Mek stared at his scanner. “I warned her there would be side effects, but we didn’t count on the nanites populating her synapses this fast. She’s nearly fully integrated already.”
Lisa sighed, her fast flushed pink. “I should’ve remembered. At the Syndicorp lab, people with existing cybernetics stabilized at least ten times faster than people like me. My brother was using the nanites to hack the lab’s computer the very next day.”
Kashatok examined the soft curve of Joy’s face. Ellam Cua, he wanted to touch her, to physically make sure she was still breathing. His gaze slid to her chest where her breasts were barely noticeable mounds beneath her tunic. She wasn’t pinup-girl curvy, but she was definitely female. How could he have ever thought otherwise? Dragging his attention away from her breasts, he shoved his hands in his pockets and satisfied himself with the reassuring beat of her heart through his ionic senses. “When will she wake up?”
“I’m not sure,” Mek said. “Her brain waves indicate she’s cognizant of what’s going on and it appears the nanites are working in tandem with her cybernetic implant. I’m hoping that’s a good thing. But awake or not, she’s going to need to stay on the Hardship for observation.”
Of course. They’d probably planned this all along. Well, he wasn’t leaving her. Kashatok settled back on a nearby stool. “Just tell me what I need to do.”
“Go back to the Kinship and get ready for piggyback,” Qaiyaan said. “Those troopers are scanning the asteroid field only a few kilometers away.”
“My first mate can handle the Kinship.” Kashatok crossed his arms. “I’m staying here.”
Mek and Qaiyaan exchanged a glance.
Anticipating an argument, Kashatok found himself off balance when, instead, Lisa gently took Qaiyaan’s hand. “He’s worried. Let him stay.” She tugged her mate toward the door. “We need to bring a nav-grav buffer in here, anyway.”
The two left the room and Kashatok stared morosely at Joy. The woman must have a death wish with the choices she made. He shouldn’t care, should leave her here to deal with her own consequences. Hell, he should’ve locked her in her room when he’d first learned her secret. But he’d let her convince him she was needed. He’d been a fool.
Mek took more blood samples, filing them away in a stasis locker. For a small ship, the Hardship’s med bay was remarkably well equipped. Jhikik continued to click, tail twitching as if ready to slap the doctor’s hands away.
Unsure of what to do with himself, Kashatok asked, “What are her options now?”
Mek placed a second set of samples in a centrifuge. “The nanites act like seed cells. Over time, they make synaptic changes that will provide resistance to Denaidan mating frequencies. But if allowed to progress too far, the nanites take over completely. I’m keeping an eye on her levels. Short of terminating the nanites early, we have to wait and see.”
Terminate the nanites? Kashatok bolted upright. “You mean the nanites aren’t permanent? If you can get rid of them, do it now!”
Mek leveled a serious gaze at him. “There is only one way to get rid of the nanites, Captain. The Denaidan mating frequency.”
A lump rose in Kashatok’s throat. To be rid of the nanites, Joy would have to have sex. Glorious, fulfilling, mind-boggling sex. An act Kashatok could never take part in. “You’ve got to be kidding. Was Joy aware of this?”
“I told her. She was remarkably unconcerned.”
“Uminaq! Who did she…” Kashatok scrubbed his palms over his cheeks, the heated memory of kissing her washing over him. Had she envisioned him as part of the process? Ellam Cua, he should have made it clear that he absolutely wasn’t an option. “She can’t. She’s unconscious.”
Rubbing his nose and mouth as if reluctant to say his next words, Mek said, “She… doesn’t need to be conscious.”
Kashatok took a menacing step toward the doctor. “No one is touching her without her permission.”
Mek stood straighter and narrowed his eyes. “You’d rather she died?”
“Of course not. But…” Kashatok scrambled for solutions. “We could engineer a frequency pulse simulation.”
“Hm.” Mek drummed his fingers against his chin. “We never considered we might need such an option. Truthfully, Tovik may be able to, given enough time.” The doctor shook his head. “But he has his hands full overseeing the piggyback.”
Kashatok wanted to volunteer. But he didn’t know enough about engineering, and Gassy was out of commission. If Joy was awake, they could probably figure something out together.
“She’s your crewman, so the choice is yours,” Mek said. “She made it very clear that she trusts you. Maybe even more than trusts.”
Kashatok didn’t realize he was backing up until the stool hit the back of his legs. “Even if she was awake and asked me to, I couldn’t. Can’t.” His heartbeats warred with each other inside his chest. In a rush, he blurted, “I’m a carayak!”
The word hung in the air like a toxic cloud. One, two, three heartbeats.
Mek’s attention drifted toward Kashatok’s groin, and Kashatok knew what he was thinking. Why isn’t he castrated?
A small voice punched through the tension. “What’s a carayak?”
Kashatok about jumped out of his skin. “You’re awake!”
Joy’s eyes remained slit as if she was having trouble in the bright light while Mek waved a scanner above her head. “Still no sight?”
; She shook her head. “Nothing. Tell me what a carayak is.”
“A Denaidan male with an extraordinarily rare genetic condition which causes incompatible mating frequencies.” Mek jerked his hand back barely in time to avoid Jhikik’s teeth.
“Deadly frequencies.” The words felt like lava crawling up Kashatok’s throat. “Even to other Denaidans.”
“Deadly?” she whispered, raising one hand to her lips. Lips he remembered kissing all too well. “But you kissed me.”
“The harmful frequency is created during climax,” Mek said, his voice annoyingly clinical. “It doesn’t kill the female, just destroys her consciousness. Most carayaks discover the condition during puberty, unfortunately during their first sexual encounter.” He turned to Kashatok. “I’ve never heard of an un-castrated, adult carayak outside of a monastery. Have you been tested?”
Kashatok half grunted, half laughed. “Only the old-fashioned way.”
The truth was out now, and no amount of rum could ever hide it again. He numbly stared into Joy’s blind face, hating her unfocused eyes; they reminded him of Aiyana. But he was also glad Joy couldn’t see him. He wanted her as far away from this horrible side of himself as she could get.
“That’s why you don’t want women on your ship,” she said softly.
Mek leaned back against the counter and crossed one leg over the other, but the leisurely motion somehow only exacerbated the tension. “Captain, I have to ask. Are the rumors about you true?”
Dredging up these memories had created a hollow pit inside Kashatok’s gut, like the sudden emptying of a pond that left nothing but stinking, rotting sludge behind. He may as well purge himself of all of it. “Yes. I was sixteen and her name was Aiyana.” He refused to look at Joy, the hopelessness in his chest a raw wound. “And for the record, I loved her.”
“And the others?” Mek asked.
“Others?” Kashatok frowned.
“The comatose women you leave in every port.”
Kashatok straightened. He knew people considered him a monster, but he’d never heard that rumor. “I would never! I don’t even allow women on my ship.”
“Then how did you end up with her?” Mek nodded toward Joy.
Kashatok recalled the first moment he’d seen Joy, a wide-eyed, olive-skinned face in a cantina. How spunky she’d been, arguing for her cut of the profits. Even though he’d thought she was a boy, something about her had drawn him.
“My fault.” Joy raised her hand as if asking permission to speak in class. “I disguised myself as a man.”
“I didn’t find out until we were well underway,” Kashatok added. “Or I would’ve dropped her off at the next port.”
Mek scratched his cheek, his nails loud against the stubble, tilting his head to regard Kashatok. “And what about now?”
Kashatok swallowed. What about now? He liked having Joy around. Yet having her near could only end badly. Hell, it already had. She was fucking blind. And nanites or not, she couldn’t remain on his ship. “A blind mechanic’s useless to me.”
From the bed, Joy sucked in a breath and turned her face away. Kashatok wanted to pound his own skull against a bulkhead. Why’d he say such a thing?
Jhikik chirped and stroked Joy’s cheek with the furry side of his tail.
“I see.” Mek straightened. “Well, you won’t need to worry about her from here on out. She’s welcome to stay aboard the Hardship. I know Tovik won’t mind.”
The little voice inside Kashatok’s head was chanting mine over and over. Another voice repeated he could never have her. Then a thought occurred to him. “Wait. Are you suggesting all she’s good for now is mating?”
Mek shrugged. “Mated or not, we’ll take good care of her, even if she’s blind. But she’ll eventually need to get rid of the nanites with someone.”
Kashatok realized he’d moved to the bed as if to shield her. His ionic sense could feel her trembling, hitching, fighting tears. Tears he’d caused, and he hated himself all the more for it. “She’s good at engineering. Maybe I can be her eyes and help her come up with an alternate plan to zap the nanites.”
The doctor raised his brows. “As long as she allows me to draw a small supply of the nanites to inoculate future mates, we’re completely open to any alternatives.” Mek tapped a finger against his chin. “You know, carayaks are extremely rare. If you are one, you might help us understand how our mating frequencies interact with other species. Will you allow me to take a tissue sample?”
Balls tightening as he thought of the tissue Mek wanted, Kashatok considered agreeing; castration would make him safe for Joy to be around. Then he imagined the overweight, soft-voiced monks from his childhood. No fucking way. He turned so his shoulder faced the doctor, keeping his groin well out of reach “I happen to like my balls right where they are.”
“Not your genitals.” Mek pulled a swab from one of the cabinets and held it up. “I just want a few tissue cells from your mouth.”
Kashatok regarded the harmless swab. After a moment, he shrugged. “Fine.”
Mek had just finished swabbing Kashatok’s mouth when Qaiyaan entered the room carrying the bulky headset from a nav-grav chair. Behind him, Lisa shouldered a loop of wiring, stringing it along behind her. Qaiyaan set the headset on the countertop. “Captain Kashatok, you’re wanted aboard the Kinship. Something about your engineer?”
Kashatok’s hearts skipped over each other. Next to him, Joy’s heartbeat ratcheted up as well. Why hadn’t someone called his implant? Eyeing Qaiyaan suspiciously, he tapped below his ear. “Kinship, this is the captain. Status update.”
Within moments, Doc’s voice filled his head. “Captain, you need to come now.”
He felt the blood drain from his face. “On my way.”
Joy groped for Kashatok’s hand. “Gassy?”
The comfort of her touch made him want to stay. Or keep her by his side. But he couldn’t. He had to leave her here, not just now, but always. With his other hand, he brushed a loose curl from her forehead. “I have to go.”
She squeezed his hand. “Yes, go.”
“There’s nothing you can do here, anyway,” Mek said. “I’ll keep you updated.”
Kashatok ran a palm over Jhikik’s furry head. “Take care of her, Jhik.” Then, unable to stop himself, he ran the back of his knuckles down Joy’s satiny cheek one last time. “I’ll be back.”
Staring Mek in the eyes, he reassured himself the doctor had everything in hand before hurrying to the boarding tube. For the first time in over a decade, he sent a prayer to the Denaidan god.
Chapter Eleven
With Kashatok gone, Joy shivered, overwhelmed by all that was happening. Gassy might be dying. Would she ever see him again? She held back a sob as the question floated through her mind. She may not see anyone ever again. Kashatok didn’t need a blind mechanic. Remembering his words made her want to vomit.
She kept telling herself the blindness was a temporary side effect, like when she’d received her camera implant; migraines had kept her holed up in her apartment with the shades drawn for days. Yet despite the self-talk, panic pressed down on her chest. Kashatok didn’t need a blind mechanic. Don’t let it be permanent.
Fighting tears, she pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes.
Somewhere to her left, Captain Qaiyaan directed Lisa in positioning some equipment. She could tell when Qaiyaan drew too close because Jhikik stiffened and his teeth clacked. His fur was reassuring and warm against her neck.
Qaiyaan asked, “How’re we going to get that creature out of the way?”
“He’s not hurting anything. Here, let me,” Lisa said. “Joy, I’m going to attach the frequency modulator diodes, all right?”
Joy felt cool hands press the small pads against her temples. Next to her ear, the netorpok vibrated with warning but didn’t lunge or bite.
Regaining her composure, Joy asked, “What are you guys doing?”
“When I had the nanites, they were extremely
unstable under certain frequencies,” Lisa replied. “Especially when we engaged the burn drive.”
“Don’t worry, Joy.” Tovik’s voice startled her. “I modified the nav-grav buffers specifically for the nanites. I’ll protect you.”
Much as she appreciated him trying to help, she wasn’t in the mood for his puppy love. “I’ll be fine.”
“You’re still likely to experience some discomfort,” Lisa said. “Piggybacking a K-class ship will make things a little rough.”
The nanites had settled to a low buzz she could barely hear over Jhikik’s purr. For some reason, the influx of data on the Kinship had energized the little machines, given them a purpose, and they’d tried to hijack every synapse in her brain to process the information. Since going blind, she hadn’t been unconscious so much as busy. The mechanic in her had sought to develop a mental “kill switch” of sorts—not anything that would disable the nanites completely, but something to stop their process. She’d succeeded, at least for now, but she had no idea what might bring the machines unexpectedly to life once again.
“Tovik,”Qaiyaan said, “get your ass to engineering and finish preparations. Lisa, I need you on the bridge.”
Lisa squeezed Joy’s hand. “Hang in there.”
Footsteps, then the room was silent. Being blind sucked. “Hello?”
“Don’t worry, I’m still here,” Mek said. She could hear him moving about on the other side of the room.
Joy stroked Jhikik’s shoulder, feeling completely helpless. She longed for Kashatok’s reassuring presence. “How long until we burn?”
“Shouldn’t be too long. They’ll announce it.”
Joy took a few more breaths. She needed to focus on something besides her own fear. But the only thing she could think about was the nanites, which made her think about Kashatok. “Can you cure a carayak?”
Mek sighed. “No. We never discovered a way to suppress the gene. Then the Termination made continued research unnecessary.”