by Sarina Dorie
Synesthesia was usually a bad sign.
Derrick shifted my amulet aside, kissing each spot it had hidden. The chain was just tight enough around my throat to remind me of our last time together being intimate when he’d strangled me. That nagging worry about him killing me again surfaced. The ghost of déjà vu whispered in my mind. I broke through the pleasure to speak.
I twisted my face away from his. “Do you promise not to kill me this time?”
He buried his face in my neck, nibbling across my skin. “Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“Ha! Is that supposed to be a joke?” I felt myself melting into his arms despite the way I tried to stay in control.
My zipper was caught halfway down. I tried to wiggle out of my wedding dress, just like I was wiggling out of my obligations to my future ex-fiancé.
Derrick could have forced the zipper, but he didn’t. “How much do you care about this dress?”
“It was my mom’s.” I could feel a fraction of his magic ebbing away as I pushed at it.
“That means a lot?” He offered me a wry smile. “Turn around, and I’ll get it unstuck.”
“How do I know you won’t do something to me when I turn around?” More of my control was returning as his focus waned.
He took my face in his hands, the intensity of his eyes in the dimly lit room sincere. “I give you my oath. I won’t kill you or hurt you in any way.”
I stared into his eyes, uncertain what color they were. I couldn’t tell whether they had turned black. “You’ll bind yourself to your word with magic?”
“If that’s what it takes.”
He sat me on his lap, his legs intertwined with mine. Palm to palm and face to face, he made a magical oath. “I, Derrick Winslow, promise to forever love you and cherish you so long as I live. I will never harm you or allow harm to befall you. If I should be the cause of injury or death, I will immediately keel over covered in boils from head to toe—especially on my penis—because that will make it really bad, and then I will die.” He grinned.
His palm tingled with electricity. Hot and cold prickles of magic rushed over me as the oath took effect. This wasn’t like when Vega had made Hailey give me an oath. In some ways it was simpler; it didn’t require a long incantation. The Red affinity he used was what gave it strength. The spell was unsophisticated, but more powerful than Wiseman’s Oath.
I didn’t see any loopholes. I was also quite aware I wasn’t in complete control of my mental faculties. It was a miracle he was. Perhaps he was more skilled. Or perhaps pleasure wasn’t his affinity.
“You aren’t really like me with your affinity,” I said. “What are you?”
He caressed my arms and kissed me. That was all it took to make me complacent again.
“Are you ready to turn around and give me the privilege of unzipping you?” He waggled his eyebrows like it was a joke.
I turned around, a thrill of excitement mingling with fear. Too late I realized he hadn’t answered my question. “What is your affinity?” I asked.
Focus, I told myself.
He worked at the zipper. “I’m a Red too. How is my affinity not like yours?”
I struggled to formulate thoughts. “This isn’t your weakness.”
“Touch? Pleasure?” He zipped up the dress all the way and slid the zipper back down. “It is my weakness. I’ve just had more practice resisting it. I’ll teach you. I can make sure the Raven Queen never uses it against you. That no one uses it against you.” He kissed his way down my back.
His beard tickled, making me shiver. Desire quickened inside me. Danger nudged my brain.
I had no reason to fear him. He’d given me an oath. He loved me. He hadn’t even asked for anything in return.
I slipped the dress over my head and dropped it to the floor. His hands were on the back of my bra, unfastening the hooks. He reached around me and cupped my breasts. I leaned against him, luxuriating in the moment.
My heart raced, as much from excitement as apprehension. My brain didn’t trust him, even if my body did.
“I want you like this.” His hand glided down to my hips, rocking my pelvis against his. He rose to his knees, holding me against him. He slid my underwear down to my hips.
He could do anything to me like this, and I wouldn’t see it coming.
“I want to turn around,” I said.
He nibbled the back of my neck. “I can do so much more for you like this. Will you let me show you?”
That sounded tempting. No. It sounded threatening.
I was slick against his hand as he stroked me. I leaned against him, falling deeper under his spell. He circled his fingers tantalizingly closer to my nipple. He distracted me. I couldn’t remember what I’d just said.
I tried to speak, but it came out a mumble.
“Are you still going on about turning around?” he asked.
That was what I’d been saying? I remembered now.
“Yes. I want to turn around. I want to look at you,” I said.
“Why are you always so stubborn?” He plunged a finger inside me. “You refuse what’s good for you every time.”
The rush of pleasure was addictive. I arched into his hand to meet him.
I wasn’t in control of my body. My affinity was. I forced myself to think about my feelings for Felix Thatch, how this would hurt him, and what it would do to our relationship. He wouldn’t forgive me. I wouldn’t forgive me.
Derrick shifted my hair aside. My hair caught in the chain of the amulet, that second of pain making my affinity retreat. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough for me to gain full control of my senses. I dug my fingers into my legs, making pain flare up stronger so I could anchor myself and focus on what I wanted.
I wanted control.
It wasn’t my love for Felix Thatch that stopped me, as much as I would have liked to be so noble. That stubborn streak in me refused to bend. I would not allow someone to use my affinity against me no matter how good it felt to give in.
I refused on my own behalf.
My voice came out a breathy whisper. “Stop.”
He either didn’t hear me or didn’t care.
“Stop,” I said louder.
I flung his hand away and wrenched myself from him. I shoved him back.
He stared at me with wide eyes. I plopped onto the bed across from him. My back was slick with sweat. Perspiration dotted his forehead.
My skin ached from the absence of his touch. I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering from the cold. The longing to fuel my affinity made my muscles spasm and my bones hurt. But at least I could think again now that he wasn’t touching me.
Derrick swallowed. “I didn’t lose control. I’m not like him.”
“Then what were you doing?” It was hard to say which was worse, being in control and a manipulative tyrant or being out of control and a feral beast.
He stared into my eyes, his own so forlorn it was hard to remember I was angry with him. “Being chauvinistic and bossy and telling you what you want?” His voice lifted in question. “I’m sorry. I thought I was fulfilling your fantasies.”
He was good at telling me what I wanted to hear. He couldn’t have lied this smoothly if he had tried. This was the real Derrick speaking, someone who loved me. I couldn’t look at those puppy-dog eyes. Instead I studied the sheets over his little bed.
“I made a mistake. I realize that. I won’t assume I know what you want.” His voice cracked with desperation. “Tell me what you want. Whatever position you choose. You can be on top. You can tie me up. If he’s gotten you high on pain magic, then spank me. Whatever you want.” He laughed, but it was high and unnatural. “‘As you wish.’ Just like in Princess Bride.”
He reached toward me. I flinched away. My back pressed against the wall. There wasn’t enough room in this cramped space.
“Will you let me say no?” I asked. “Or do you need my magic?”
&nb
sp; “I don’t need your magic.” He tilted his head to the side, studying me thoughtfully. “He did that to you, didn’t he? He hurt you so he could claim that magic to fuel his affinity?” He stroked my knee, the sensation calming, reassuring.
I didn’t intend to answer him. It wasn’t any of his business. I shivered from the cold. Reason was coming back to me, but the urge to embrace him was as strong as ever. My arms ached. The magic in my core shriveled.
He shifted under the blankets and brought them up to cover my knees. “I’m not going to hurt you. I promised you. Has he ever promised you that?”
How could Thatch make that promise when he might need to use me and my pain to fuel his affinity? I wouldn’t make him promise.
“I can prove to you I’m not like him. I’ll feed you magic. Like what you once did for me when you tried to save me from death.” He draped an arm around my shoulder. He smiled sadly. “Only, I know how to not give so much that I won’t become drained in the process. Will you let me do this for you?”
What did I want? Derrick? Thatch? My brain was too muddled to think as I leaned against him. I longed for him to touch me again, but not for the physical comfort of it. I wanted the magic. The pining in me was stronger than when I’d been drained and Elric had pleasured me to rebuild it again. Every stroke of his hand on mine only made me yearn for him more.
He was using pleasure magic to control me. I needed the touch to stop.
“I want my clothes,” I said.
“Okay.” He handed me my dress, his voice sounding resigned more than angry. “Do you want to go to sleep?”
There was no way that was going to happen, not with pleasure and pain battling inside me, confusing my senses. Not with the way I distrusted him. My affinity protested against being denied touch magic, sending little spasms of ache through my limbs.
I smoothed out the dress and examined the zipper. There was a string caught in it, keeping it from zipping up or down. My hands shook so much, I didn’t have the fine motor skills needed to remove it.
“You’re going through withdrawals, aren’t you?” he asked.
That’s what it felt like.
“I can teach you how to lessen that pain if you want.” He leaned forward, planting a quick peck on my forehead before sitting back on his side of the bed. “How about I give you a couple of minutes to think? I’ll get you some new clothes and run a few errands. You can go to sleep, or we can talk when I get back.”
I nodded, my head feeling like a wooden doll’s, stiff and uncoordinated.
He sounded so sensible, so normal, not the kind of person who had suggested we run away and join the Raven Queen. He might have loved me, but there was no denying what he was now. Whether this curse was more sophisticated and refined for the benefit of ensnaring me, or it was Elric and his magic at work, keeping Derrick from becoming a complete monster, this version of Derrick was so much harder to hate than the one who had killed me. He was repentant for his mistakes. Just as he once had been, he was considerate and loving.
Derrick buttoned up his shirt. At the door, he hesitated. “You should lock this. Only open it for me. I’m about to release the monsters. We don’t want any of them coming here for you.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Hex-Ed for Beginners
I didn’t know what Derrick meant by “releasing the monsters,” but it didn’t sound good. I locked the door behind him and pulled the wedding dress over my head, even though I couldn’t zip the back of it up.
Now that he wasn’t touching me and the withdrawals were ebbing away, I could think about what I’d almost done and felt ashamed of myself. Thatch was always telling me I needed to master myself over my affinity. I had failed yet again. I had kissed another man and not even felt guilt.
Worse yet, Derrick intended to return me to the Raven Queen. He was probably using his dark mark or whatever to call her up right now and summon her.
His proposal to bargain with her so we could be together and be free was a naive solution, so blindly optimistic even I couldn’t buy into it. Not while I was clear-headed anyway. There were so many flaws in this plan. Even if she hadn’t been wicked or had her own agenda, the Raven Queen wasn’t the kind of Fae it was safe to bargain with. She wasn’t like Elric, making exceptions and bending rules because he genuinely cared about people.
I couldn’t allow myself to be captured again, and I certainly wasn’t going to her voluntarily.
My fingers instinctively found Elric’s amulet. One glowing stone was left. Yet if I called Elric, there would be a serious consequence. The Raven Queen wasn’t here yet. The amulet was only to be used as a last resort. Besides that, what if Elric couldn’t come to aid me? It seemed like he would have used magic to rescue me before now if he could have.
Unless he’d been injured by the Raven Queen.
I was stuck on this airship among strangers. I could have gone to the captain and informed him of Derrick’s change, but I had no doubt I would be endangering myself if I did so. I didn’t know what Derrick was releasing. Additionally, there was the crew the captain had advised me to avoid. Already they weren’t happy about crashing a wedding only to fight off the Raven Court for Derrick’s ungrateful former girlfriend whom they now thought had pushed him overboard.
As usual, I was in over my head. I needed backup. I had learned some rudimentary spells with crystal balls and magic mirrors. I searched in all the drawers and the trunk but couldn’t find anything that might have been of use. I attempted to use the mirror above the sink in the bathroom, but I didn’t have the spell memorized, so nothing happened. Derrick didn’t have any magic books in his room.
I tried projecting my awareness next, but I’d never traveled far beyond my body without consequence. The farther I journeyed, the thinner the connection grew to my own physical form. I snapped back inside myself, afraid I might leave my body permanently. I tried sinking into my subconscious and traveling into the landscape of dreams to contact Thatch, but there were so many stars of unfamiliar constellations. I went one direction and then another. Finally when I thought I had found someone familiar from Womby’s, I couldn’t find Thatch’s mind nearby. I feared he had been killed or captured by the Raven Queen.
Khaba’s and Pinky’s mental doors were locked, and I couldn’t get in. Only Josie’s door was open to me. She sat crouched in her jorogumo form, knitting an endlessly long scarf that would have put Dr. Who to shame.
“I need your help,” I said. “I’ve been kidnapped by Derrick, and I’m on the Da Vinci. The Raven Court is coming. You need to tell Felix Thatch. Or Elric.”
Josie smiled, her face human except for the rows of sharp teeth and multiple sets of eyes. Her words came out as bubbles instead of sound.
I tried again. More bubbles escaped her mouth, crowding around me.
Entering Grandmother Bluehorse’s dream and then Jackie Frost’s proved to be just as fruitless. It had always been so easy communicating with Thatch in his subconscious. I thought it would be just as easy with anyone else. But then, the first time I’d spoken with Derrick, he hadn’t known I’d been dreaming either.
I didn’t know how to make dream magic work for me. I left the dreamscape, struggling to find a different solution.
I couldn’t contact anyone. I had to rely on myself and my magic. I had to protect myself from Derrick and from the Raven Queen. That would have been a lot easier if I had followed through with having sex with Derrick. I was better at storing up my magic these days.
Sometimes.
If I had enough magic stored up, I could use it against my enemies. That meant I would have to lie with the enemy. Was I truly willing to do that? I would be cheating on Felix Thatch if I did so. It wouldn’t be a spur of the moment, unintentional act of infidelity caused by a lack of magical restraint.
It would be premeditated.
I sat on Derrick’s bed, hugging my knees to my chest, trying to find an answer to the impossible. Thatch had
always said I had to be willing to kill someone to defend myself. He had told me I had to be able to kill Derrick if I needed to.
I hadn’t yet decided what to do when a knock came at the door. Derrick’s cheerful voice came through muffled. “It’s me, the Dread Pirate Bluebeard. I come bearing gifts.”
I didn’t have to ask him to prove it was really him. He was the only person on earth who would knock on a door and announce that. Moving as slow as a snail, I trudged to the door and unlocked it.
He set clean clothes on the dresser. “Did I wake you?”
“I wasn’t sleeping.”
His skin glowed, luminescent like a siren’s, flickers of pink and blue dancing under his skin. He’d been using magic. Or charging himself with electricity. It had been stormy earlier. I didn’t doubt he could fuel himself with lightning.
“Do you want to cuddle and talk?” he asked.
There was nothing he could say to change my mind, and if he did, it would be from the influence of his touch. If I was going to defend myself, it would be most logical to do so while he was at his weakest. That would mean I was at my weakest as well. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to resist him.
Even so, I had to try.
I circled my arms around his waist. I leaned my head against his chest, listening to his clockwork heart. I wondered what Vega had done with the heart the Raven Queen had sent me.
“I want you to kiss me,” I said.
“Of course.” He kissed me.
It made some of my heartache melt away. He was tender as he stroked my back and planted a trail of kisses along my hairline. His fingers tingled with magic where he brushed my naked flesh. His warmth seeped under my skin and radiated inside me. I relaxed against him, my resolve softening.
This moment felt less hurried than before. I let my dress slip down my shoulders and fall to the floor.
“No assumptions this time,” he said. “You tell me how far you’re willing to go. I won’t cross that boundary.”