I reached over the small distance between us and put my hand on his arm. “I’m sorry.”
“Like I said, it was more than twenty years ago.”
I leaned toward him, waiting until he looked at me before I spoke, “That doesn’t mean you can’t still be grieving for them.”
He put his hand over mine. “Thank you.”
I leaned back, taking my hand with me. I picked up the mug again and busied myself with drinking it before it got cold.
After a minute or so of us drinking in silence, he broke it. “May I ask you something that’s a bit personal?”
I smiled. “After everything that’s happened between us, I think pretty much nothing you ask will be too personal.”
“Good point.” He turned so that he was angled toward me. “Why did you decide to lose your virginity to a stranger at a club?”
I shifted in my seat, wondering what had prompted him to ask that now. “I wanted something uncomplicated. No romantic entanglements. No fumbling or apologies. Codie’s suggestion promised all that. It seemed like a good way to get it taken care of before it became overly awkward.”
“Overly awkward?” he echoed.
“Going through high school as a virgin wasn’t a big deal. And for a woman, being a virgin in college wasn’t really that strange, especially since I was working on a Ph.D. People tend to accept academics as a legitimate reason for not having sex. But there seems to be an unspoken rule regarding virginity and age. For men, it’s younger than women, but it exists for us too.” I put down my now-empty mug. “A woman in her early to mid-twenties who has a religious reason for waiting to have sex – or something similar, anyway – is maybe eccentric, but it’s acceptable. Someone who isn’t waiting for marriage or true love, when she hits that mid-twenties mark, if she’s still a virgin, it becomes all about being an ice queen. Or a lesbian – don’t even get me started on that one. Or she’s stuck up and doesn’t think any man’s good enough for her.”
“People are idiots,” Cai said.
I laughed. “That is definitely true. But I didn’t do it for people. I didn’t want it hanging over my head. And it just felt like it was time.”
I was telling the truth, but I realized just then that I did care what Cai thought. And I didn’t want him to think less of me.
“I did it for myself, not anyone else. It’s what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to do it.”
Cai reached out and took my hand, threading his fingers through mine. “You don’t need to convince me. I believe you.”
He was still holding my hand, his thumb moving over my knuckles in an almost absent manner. Little sparks of electricity danced across my skin, and the warmth that spread through my body had little to do with the cocoa and everything to do with his touch.
“Is it my turn to ask something a little personal?”
“I’m an open book,” he said with a smile.
“You told me how you got involved in BDSM,” I said, looking down at our linked hands. “Now, I’d like to know more about that world. I’ve seen some, and I know a little, but I’d like to know more.”
He hooked a finger under my chin and lifted my head until our eyes met. “I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, but I’d like to know why.”
I reminded myself that I didn’t need to be embarrassed with Cai. He’d seen me at some of the most vulnerable times of my life. “What we’ve done together, I know it’s probably vanilla compared to what you normally do, but I liked it. A lot. And I’m wondering if it may be something I’ll want to explore more.”
Twenty-Seven
Cai
I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to do it.
I thought sleeping with her in Texas would get her out of my system. That once I had her while knowing it was her, I wouldn’t want her anymore. I’d never wanted any woman for more than a single night. Two nights in a row, falling asleep next to her. Both things I hadn’t done before. That should have been it.
But it wasn’t enough. From the moment I suggested she stay with me, I’d known I would have to face the truth of the matter sometime. I did want her to be safe and being on the roads right now definitely wasn’t safe, but my desires were far less unselfish than they should have been.
Now, she was asking me to tell her about the BDSM world because she might want to explore it. We were back in Atlanta, which should have meant we had returned to intern and supervisor, but that wasn’t the sort of things colleagues should discuss. And what I was thinking definitely wasn’t something that fit into the roles we were supposed to be filling.
Damn it all to hell.
I stood and pulled her to her feet. “If I’m going to teach you, it’ll be easier with visual aids.”
She gave me a strange look. “We’re not going to watch porn together, are we?”
I laughed. “No, Little Red, I’m going to take you to my playroom.”
The nickname slipped out. I wasn’t entirely sure where it had come from before, but she hadn’t protested it, and now it looked like it was going to stick.
“Your playroom.” The words were faint, and I could see trepidation on her face.
“Relax,” I said with a smile. “Visual aids only.”
Unless she wanted a more…hands-on approach. I wouldn’t be able to refuse her if she asked for practical applications.
I led her down the hall to the room across from my bedroom. My apartment wasn’t large, but the second bedroom was almost as big as the first, and over the years since I’d moved in, I’d filled it with all my favorite toys. I rarely ever brought women back here, which meant I hadn’t had the opportunity to use it much, but it wasn’t until now that I thought to ask why I’d spent the money when I didn’t have a regular sub.
Maybe it was time to change that.
I glanced at Addison as I opened the door, but she looked relaxed and curious. What would she do, I wondered, if I posed the question? She seemed open to the lifestyle, and I already knew we were sexually compatible. Hell, we were sexually explosive. And being with her was easy. If only we didn’t work together. But I was starting to think that perhaps the two of us could separate work from pleasure.
“Within the BDSM world, there are many different facets,” I explained. “Exhibitionists, voyeurs, sadists, masochists, dominants, submissives, and switches.”
“Switches?”
“Some people like to both dominate and sub.” When she gave me a look, I shook my head. “I like my control too much to sub.”
“Not surprising,” she said with a smile. “I like being in control, but there’s something appealing about not having to be the one making all the decisions. It lets me empty my head.”
I’d wondered if submitting all the time would be a problem for her, but apparently not.
I walked over to the wall where a variety of scarves and ropes and cuffs hung. “I like bondage. Controlling how much the sub can move.”
“I remember.” Her lips parted as her breathing increased. “The belt.”
“Restraining a sub makes it possible to push limits beyond what a sub might think they can handle. Seeing how long I can keep a sub on the edge without coming. Or the opposite, making a sub come so many times that the pleasure borders on pain.”
She swallowed hard, her tongue darting out to wet her bottom lip.
“I’m not into the typical forms of punishment,” I continued my explanation but took a step toward her rather than going over to the small dresser that held more of my toys. “I have a flogger, but that’s it, and I rarely do anything more than a mild spanking.”
She nodded. “I like that. I don’t think I’d want to be whipped or anything like that.” Her gaze dropped to my hands. “But a spanking…”
My jeans instantly became too tight.
“What else?” she asked softly.
“Also along the pain line, there’s various forms of sensation play. Ice, wax, feathers, and the like. Sometimes I use them, but I don’t generally go to the
extreme with any of them.”
Addison took a step toward me, and I felt like the temperature went up ten degrees.
“Then you have some other toys. Dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, gag balls.” I listed off a few. “I don’t really use the gag too much, but the others are quite useful when it comes to orgasm denial, or other sorts of…torture. That’s where I like to push limits.”
Her pupils were wide, with only thin slivers of pale green encircling them.
“I also like to use them for double penetration. I would never deny a sub that unique sensation, but I don’t share.”
“That’s good,” she said. “I wouldn’t want to be shared.”
“Any man who even considered sharing you would have to be the dumbest man alive.” I cupped her cheek, my thumb brushing the side of her mouth.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back to the way things had been. Not knowing that someone else would take my place. Another man would truly teach her about the aspects of BDSM that appealed to her. He would be her first in other ways. He would get to hear her beg for release or sob when the sensations became too overwhelming.
And all I would have would be memories.
I was grateful for them, but I couldn’t let them be the only ones I’d ever have.
I had to ask. I’d accept her decision, but if I didn’t ask, I’d regret it.
“Little Red,” I deliberately used the nickname, “I have a…proposition for you.”
She reached up and trailed her fingers along my jaw. “Yes?”
“I know that we agreed that when we got back home, things would return to the way they had been, but now, I’m rethinking that decision.” I dropped my hand from her face and caught her hand with mine. “Neither of us want something complicated, and I think we’re both logical, intelligent people. We can keep things from becoming emotional.”
“Just ask, Cai.”
I smiled, even though my heart was pounding in my chest. “Would you be interested in an exclusive but purely physical relationship?”
“Purely physical?” she repeated.
“Our work relationship and friendship would stay the same, but we’d add sex to the mix.”
“All right,” she said, a grin curving her mouth. “And you said exclusive?”
I nodded, telling myself not to get too hopeful. She hadn’t agreed yet. “Neither of us would become sexually involved with anyone else as long as we’re sleeping together, allowing us to continue being able to forgo condoms. If that’s something you’d want.”
“And what if we met someone else we’d like to have sex with?” Her words were matter-of-fact, and I hoped she was simply thinking through the possibilities. I didn’t like the thought that she could already want to find someone else.
“We would keep open communication,” I said. “When one of us wishes to end the arrangement, we tell the other, and that is that.”
She was quiet for a few minutes, and I wished I could hear what she was thinking. I’d put myself out there, asking her this, but if she agreed, it would be well worth it.
Finally, she nodded. “That would work for me.”
I leaned down and took her mouth in a hard, possessive kiss. She was mine. I didn’t know for how long, but I intended to make the most of every second we were together. I would leave my mark on her so deep that I would be the standard by which every other man would be measured.
No. I wouldn’t think of other men. She would only be with me. I had so much to teach her, and we would begin tonight. Until we parted ways, she was mine, and that was what mattered.
Mine.
Twenty-Eight
Addison
This was…different.
I was naked – that wasn’t the different part – and I was on the bed, face-down. My wrists were tied to each other, and to each ankle, pulling my legs out and up. The position also kept my arms up, parallel to my back. He’d had me braid my hair, then tied the bottom of my braid to the restraints around my wrist. My head was pulled back, stretched right to the very edge of comfort. I was pretty sure adrenaline had something to do with the fact that I wasn’t uncomfortable yet, but I’d take it. I didn’t want to be in a position where I’d need to use my safe word. The thought of disappointing Cai bothered me in a way in which I wasn’t accustomed.
My head was at the bottom of the bed, so I was able to see Cai as he stopped in front of me. He’d removed his clothing as well, giving me a heart-stopping view of strong thighs, those deep v-grooves at his hips, and a thick, full erection.
“I let you take control the first time, but now, it’s my turn.”
He put his hand on the back of my head, not exerting any pressure, but rather providing a reminder that he was in charge.
As if I could forget it.
“Open.”
I parted my lips, eager anticipation coiling in my belly. He slid his cock into my mouth, taking it slow. The taste of him exploded across my tongue, and I licked around him, savoring the texture as well. The skin was soft, delicate, but the muscle beneath it was firm. He made a few shallow thrusts before speaking.
“Are you able to snap your fingers?”
I snapped my fingers in response.
“That will be your safety sound if you’re not able to use your safe word,” he explained. “Snap again if you understand.”
I did as he asked, and he rewarded me by inching forward until he was almost at the back of my throat. A flutter of panic unfolded in my chest, but I pushed it down. I trusted him not to take things too far, to know where my limits were, even if I didn’t know them myself.
As he began to pull back, I applied suction, remembering that he’d enjoyed that before. I earned the same moan as before and dedicated myself to making him feel even better. I tried to move my head to control the depth of his strokes, but a jolt of pain in my scalp reminded me why that wasn’t a good idea.
“Stay where you are.” Cai sounded amused. “I’ll take care of things from my end.”
I responded by flicking my tongue across the tip of his cock, then teasing the slit before he could push deeper. My muscles began to ache, unused to being in this position, but I didn’t stop. I’d never been the sort of person who cared about what other people thought, but with this, I found that Cai’s opinion was important to me.
“Fuck, Little Red, that mouth…”
I’d take that as a positive endorsement.
“I’m close,” he warned. “If you don’t want me to come in your mouth, snap your fingers twice.”
I clenched my hands into fists, so he couldn’t even mistake me wanting him to stop. His fingers dug into my hair, his hips jerking as he lost his rhythm. For a moment, he almost went too far, but then he was sliding back enough to coat my tongue with his seed. I swallowed, sucking as hard as I could, wanting to draw out every last drop.
He curled over me, his breathing ragged, and kissed the top of my head. “Thank you, Little Red.”
I hadn’t been sure about that nickname when he first used it, but the more I heard it, the more it grew on me.
He straightened, his cock slipping from my mouth. He hadn’t gone completely soft, and I knew he’d be ready again soon. His fingers moved behind me, and the tension holding my head in place disappeared. My scalp throbbed, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“How are your arms and legs?” Cai asked as he pulled apart the braid with surprising gentleness. “Circulation good? Muscles?”
I flexed my fingers, testing them even as I rolled my ankles, wiggled my toes. “Circulation’s fine, but my muscles are starting to feel it.”
He gave me a searching look. “Five more minutes.”
I nodded. Having my head free made me feel my legs and arms less.
He moved around behind me, the bed shifting under me as he climbed onto it. I expected to feel his touch, but I still jumped when a fingertip traced my lips. He ran his finger between them, pushing it inside for a few quick strokes. Instead of adding a second finger, h
owever, he withdrew it completely. A moment later, it teased over somewhere else entirely.
“Easy,” he murmured as he placed a hand on the small of my back. “Just a finger tonight. Trust me.”
I nodded, then put my head down, closing my eyes to shut out everything except what Cai was doing. I sucked in a breath as the finger breached that tight ring of muscle. I knew enough about anal sex to expect the burn that followed, and I breathed through it. What I found, however, was that once I was past that, a different sort of heat was spreading through me. I’d been turned on already, and the sensations combined for something even more intense than I felt before. Not better, necessarily, but different.
“I’m going to release your legs in a moment,” Cai said. “But unless you say the word, your hands will remain as they are.”
“Yes, Sir,” I said, trying to keep the relief from my voice. I was in good shape, but this wasn’t exactly a normal exercise.
His finger disappeared, and then the tie between my hands and feet was gone too, allowing my hands to fall to my back, and my feet to the bed. I waited for Cai to turn me over, unable to do it myself with my hands as they were, but that wasn’t what happened.
He grasped my hips and pulled me up onto my knees, leaving me to catch my weight on my chest and shoulders. I wasn’t given long to process it though because he drove into me with one solid thrust, and suddenly, that was all I could feel…think…know.
My world expanded and contracted with every stroke. The heat of his hands on my hips was nothing compared to the fire he was stoking inside me. Nerves fired over and over, transmitting signals of pleasure and pain one right after the other. My legs had begun to protest, and my fingertips were tingling, but none of it was enough to make me want him to stop. The pressure inside me had built too far for much of anything to distract me.
Then, suddenly, his cock moved against that spot inside me and the world exploded in a blast of pleasure and light. But it didn’t stop there. As Cai continued at his bruising, brutal pace, one orgasm rolled into another until I finally realized what he’d meant about coming too many times. I was almost at that point, but before I tipped over that edge, Cai groaned my name, his cock pulsing inside me as he climaxed.
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