You Said Forever

by Susan Lewis

  Swallowing, Charlotte said, ‘I hardly think about anything else.’

  ‘And you’ve obviously discussed it with Anthony?’

  ‘Of course. There have been issues with our younger daughter …’ She looked away, embarrassed, ashamed, knowing Wendy would be holding her responsible for anything that might have gone wrong.

  ‘Could you expand on that?’ Wendy pressed.

  ‘I think you know what I’m saying.’

  ‘Are we talking about a repeat of what happened to her?’

  ‘It’s along those lines, yes, but not as severe.’

  ‘And you believe this is the right way to deal with it?’

  Turning crimson again, Charlotte said, ‘We’re exploring the possibility. For Chloe’s sake. We know she needs more than we can give, than we even know how to give, and obviously we have to think of our other children.’

  Wendy nodded slowly. ‘Have you asked your sister-in-law if she’ll take her in?’

  Wishing that were an option, while knowing that she couldn’t commit Maggie to something that had the potential of driving her to a breakdown, Charlotte said, ‘I think it would be asking too much of Maggie and Ron. They’re not getting any younger, and given their relationship to me and Anthony …’

  Seeming to have expected this response, Wendy said, ‘So let’s put all our cards on the table, shall we? I can see you’re finding it difficult, but we won’t get anywhere until you do.’

  Knowing how naïve she was going to sound even before she uttered the next words, Charlotte forced herself to say, ‘I was hoping, if we do decide that she should go to someone else, that you could find a new family before I leave, and that it could be a couple, or a single person, who don’t already have children and would be willing to go through the counselling with her.’

  Wendy’s eyes widened in surprise. ‘It’s starting to sound as though your mind is made up.’

  Charlotte simply stared at her.

  ‘You know very well that the system doesn’t work like that,’ Wendy continued.

  Yes, Charlotte did know.

  ‘Getting her established in a new home could take years. Long-term placements have to be worked at – I’m imagining that ultimately you’re hoping someone will take her under the special guardianship scheme, or are you actually considering revoking the adoption?’

  ‘No! I—’

  ‘Haven’t thought that through either? You’d need a court order, and as you know they’re almost never granted. Have you spoken to a lawyer?’

  ‘Wendy, please …’

  Apparently unmoved, Wendy said, ‘So what we’re looking at is you relinquishing her into care and letting us do the rest while you return to New Zealand and get on with your life without her?’

  Charlotte could hardly bear it; this was proving even worse than she’d feared. ‘Is it so bad to want to give her a better chance with somebody else?’ she asked shakily.

  ‘No, if we knew we could give her that chance, but we don’t. Finding homes for traumatised children, especially of her age …’ She broke off as Charlotte shot awkwardly to her feet.

  ‘I know how difficult it is,’ Charlotte cried, ‘but it’s not working out for her with us. Would you rather she stayed and got worse than she already is?’

  ‘You don’t know that would happen. If you found her the right help …’

  ‘We’ve tried.’

  ‘How hard have you tried?’

  ‘Whatever I say, you’re going to say it wasn’t hard enough.’

  ‘Perhaps because it wasn’t. It’s not unheard of for adoptive parents to regret taking on someone else’s child once they start having children of their own …’

  Furious, Charlotte shouted, ‘It’s not about her being someone else’s child, it’s about her history, her needs …’

  Wendy’s hand came up. ‘I realise it’s too late for this now, but you should have thought of all this before you took her. You’d had enough experience by then to know how hard it is for children as traumatised as she is to fit into a normal family.’

  ‘I didn’t know when I took her that I was going to have a family of my own.’

  ‘But you knew it when you adopted her.’

  Unable to deny that, Charlotte’s rage died. ‘By then she was a huge part of my life,’ she said quietly, ‘as I was of hers. You surely aren’t saying I should have turned my back on her?’

  ‘It might have been easier if you had, at least you’d have saved her from going through it now she’s older and more able to understand. Or were you afraid of what the press would say if you abandoned her right after you’d been cleared of child abduction?’

  Charlotte gasped. ‘That never even entered my head,’ she protested furiously. ‘All I wanted then was to make her legally mine and take her back to New Zealand.’

  ‘But that’s not what you want now?’

  ‘Wendy, for heaven’s sake, you surely can’t think I’m considering this just because it doesn’t suit me any more. It’s because I know she needs special care and I can’t give it. But I could, with your help, try to find someone who’s prepared to make her the centre of their world.’

  Wendy eyed her harshly. ‘We’ve already been through how long that could take, and you’re making it sound as though you’re expecting to be involved in finding these miracle people. Do you think you have the right to vet them first? Is that it?’

  ‘I’m not saying that …’

  ‘I think you are, and so I should remind you that if you decide to relinquish her she will go into the system and it will be up to fostering services to place her with a family they feel to be right. Of course, as her legal mother, you’ll retain the right to take her back again should you so wish, but having given her up once I’m not sure the courts would look favourably on such an application.’

  Charlotte felt so sick with shame and self-loathing that she couldn’t think what to say. It was hard to believe this was happening, that she’d actually put herself and Chloe in this position when all she’d ever wanted was to be a good mother to a little girl who’d been so badly in need of one.

  After several tense moments, Wendy sat back in her chair. ‘OK, I’ve been hard on you,’ she stated in a slightly gentler tone, ‘but I felt it was necessary to spell things out in a way that leaves you no room for doubt or self-deception. What you’re considering is enormous, not only for Chloe, but for you too. I’m not saying I won’t help, but nor am I saying I’ll do anything for you that is likely to have a negative impact on Chloe.’

  Charlotte’s eyes felt raw and wide as she looked at her.

  ‘I’ll need to give it a lot more thought before we go forward,’ Wendy declared, getting to her feet, ‘and I think you do too, because make no mistake, this will be one of the most painful things you’ll ever do.’

  Already in no doubt of it, Charlotte walked her to the door.

  ‘With your permission,’ Wendy said, before stepping outside, ‘I’d like to speak to Julia before you see her.’

  ‘Of course,’ Charlotte mumbled. And because it seemed right to say so, she added, ‘Thanks for coming, and thanks for being so honest.’

  ‘I was brutal,’ Wendy corrected, ‘but you know I needed to be,’ and with no perfunctory goodbye she returned to her car.

  Minutes later Charlotte was upstairs, still reeling from her meeting with Wendy as she spoke to Anthony on the phone. ‘It was awful,’ she confided, ‘I’ve never felt so … despicable in my life. She didn’t pull any punches, and I can tell she’s utterly disgusted with me.’

  ‘But she’s going to help?’

  ‘I think so. In the end, if we go that route, she has to …’ Hearing the others arriving home she went to the window to check, and seeing Chloe’s excitement as she pulled a handful of bags from the car she closed her eyes against the inner torment. ‘If you could see her now,’ she said to Anthony, ‘she’s been such an angel since we got here … There are moments when I feel as though I’m making it al
l up, that it was a bad dream – and I’m starting to wonder if your sister feels the same.’

  ‘You have to remember that Chloe’s in a good place at the moment,’ he cautioned. ‘She doesn’t have any rivals for your attention, or Maggie and Ron’s, and look at it this way, it’s showing you how well she’d do if she could be the main focus for someone all of the time.’

  ‘It’s the “someone” that’s bothering me,’ Charlotte sighed past the taut heaviness in her heart. ‘How equipped will they be to deal with her problems? They can say or promise anything they like to social services, but how can we be sure they’re not fostering for the money, or won’t end up feeling unable to cope further down the line? Placing her in care now, after she’s been with us for so long, is bound to have a catastrophic effect on the rest of her life …’

  ‘I realise that, I can hardly think about anything else myself, but I’m also thinking about Cooper and Elodie, and what happened to you only a couple of weeks ago. We can’t go on like that, Charlotte. The way things are she’s destroying our home, and there’s something you should know before going to see Julia. Your mother found my missing iPad while going through Chloe’s room …’

  Charlotte snapped, ‘Why was my mother going through her room? Has she been clearing things out, throwing them away? Anthony, you have to stop her …’

  ‘Listen,’ he came in firmly. ‘You need to know what we found on the iPad, because it’s important. She’s been exchanging messages with someone who claims to know her father, and …’

  Charlotte reeled. ‘What! How the hell …’

  ‘Please, just listen. I’ve been in touch with the prison and I’m assured that there is no way Brian Wade could get unsupervised access to the Internet, much less cover up the kind of messaging we found. So it would seem that some creep claiming to be a friend of Brian Wade’s has got to her. He’s been asking about Elodie, telling her to take photos of herself and Elodie in the bath. He’s also given her instructions on how to masturbate, as if she doesn’t know that already.’

  Charlotte’s hand was pressed to her mouth in horror. All this had been happening under their roof, presumably while they were there, and they’d had no idea. What the hell kind of parents did that make them? ‘Please tell me there aren’t any photos,’ she said hoarsely.

  ‘None that I’ve found, but it’s lucky you took her to England when you did, because there’s no knowing how far it might have gone if you hadn’t.’

  ‘Oh my god this is … evil. Have you told the police?’

  ‘I have now. Mike Bain came with me. I went to him first to alert him, in case this lowlife had managed to get access to any of the children at school. It’s unlikely, because I think he was targeting Chloe. Heaven only knows how long he’s been waiting to make contact.’

  Horrified by the very thought of someone closing in on an innocent little girl like a silent, deadly poison, Charlotte suddenly started to panic about what the authorities might do in response to this. Were they going to end up having all their children taken away, due to neglect? ‘What did the police say?’ she demanded shakily.

  ‘They’re examining the iPad and will get back to me. Incidentally, this bloke calls himself Tiger Tim.’

  Charlotte’s eyes closed as bile rose to her throat. Tiger was what Chloe’s father used to say while raping her, be a good girl now and ride the tiger.

  ‘… so we need to make sure she has no more access to the Internet,’ Anthony was saying. ‘Has she been online since you arrived?’

  ‘Not that I’m aware of, but obviously I’ll check her iPad.’

  ‘This is showing us,’ he said, ‘that she needs to be closely monitored the entire time to make sure no one gets to her this way again. Someone who has no other children to distract them, or to cause her to feel jealous or insecure, will surely be far better placed to do that than we are.’

  Wishing he was fighting Chloe’s corner, while knowing he couldn’t, Charlotte turned as she heard Chloe calling her. ‘I have to go, but I’m sorry about the iPad. I should have found it …’

  ‘It’s not your fault. It was hidden at the back of a drawer full of old clothes that you probably never bother to open.’

  ‘Thank goodness Mum did, but I’m hardly daring to think about where this might take us. I guess we’ll find out. Before you go, it’s probable we’ll have to see Julia privately. Is that going to be OK?’

  There was only a moment’s hesitation before he said, ‘It’s fine. Do you have enough in your account?’

  ‘I have some, but I’m going to need more.’

  ‘OK. I’ll make sure you get it.’

  As he rang off at his end Anthony stood staring at the computer screen where an email from Wineworks was displayed, warning him that if outstanding accounts weren’t settled within the next seven days all bottles and bottling services for Tuki River Wines would be suspended. In other words, everything, including the 2015 vintage recently collected from the winery, was to be frozen until they got their money.

  This amounted to more than twenty-five thousand bottles of wine.

  ‘Smile!’ Zoe sang out from the doorway.

  Anthony’s scowl deepened as he closed his laptop and looked round. Frank, the photographer, was with her; a nice enough chap, obviously dedicated to his art, but Anthony really wasn’t in the mood to be photographed right now.

  ‘Everything OK?’ Zoe asked, skirting a couple of interns who were busy at the press.

  ‘It’s fine,’ he told her shortly. ‘I need to be going …’

  ‘Before you do, I have some good news. If you check your website I think you’ll find an order has come in for five thousand bottles of the 2014 Pinot Gris.’

  Anthony hardly knew what to say. Yes, it was a welcome order, but it wouldn’t even come close to covering the outstanding bills; and Wineworks wouldn’t release the wine anyway until they had their money.

  ‘OK, it’s not huge,’ Zoe conceded, ‘and I realise it doesn’t solve all the problems, but they want the Tuki River label and they have outlets all over New Zealand.’

  Anthony was still staring at her, trying to work out what he could do to convince Wineworks to let him fulfil the order.

  ‘Something’s wrong,’ Zoe said worriedly.

  Anthony shook his head. ‘Just a lot on my mind,’ he responded, and standing aside for the photographer to get a better angle on the interns, he clicked on his phone to answer.

  ‘Mr Goodman, Thomas Reilly here,’ the caller announced.

  The broker he’d contacted to handle the sale of the vineyard.

  ‘I’ve had a cancellation this afternoon,’ Reilly told him, ‘and I’ve also got a potential buyer in from Marlborough who’d like to come with me, if it’s convenient. Shall we say two o’clock at the cellar door?’

  Anthony assured Reilly he’d be there, and ringing off he said to Zoe, ‘‘Have you seen Will this morning?’

  ‘Not yet,’ she replied, ‘but we’ve only just come out.’

  Guessing his winemaker was supervising the pickers at the Cab Franc vines, Anthony was about to call him when his mobile rang again.

  ‘Mr Goodman, it’s Pania Brown here, from Child Youth and Family Services. Do you have a moment?’

  He didn’t, but he said, ‘Yes, of course,’ and signalling to Zoe that he needed to speak in private, he took the phone outside. ‘What can I do for you?’ he asked, kicking aside a pile of pallets and hoses, and wandering in amongst the closest vines.

  ‘Actually, there are a couple of things,’ Pania answered. ‘Mr Bain at the school tells me that your wife has taken Chloe to England with the intention of relinquishing her into care.’

  Hating the words as much as the wretchedness they inflamed, he said, ‘We’re looking into it.’

  ‘I see, well I think that’s a shame. I’m sure we could help Chloe …’

  ‘I’m not doubting you,’ Anthony interrupted, ‘but things have happened since your visit …’

  �
��Are you talking about the iPad?’

  He hadn’t been, but it would certainly do. ‘I take it the police informed you?’

  ‘Yes, they did. They were obliged to. Would it be possible to come and see you so we can have a chat about this?’

  How on earth could he put her off without seeming uncaring, or rude, or overly defensive? ‘Uh, yes, of course,’ he said, glancing at his phone screen as the line beeped. ‘I’ve got another call coming in,’ he told her, ‘but I’ll ring you back to work out a time,’ and clicking to take the call he said, ‘Anthony Goodman speaking.’

  ‘Mr Goodman, it’s Jessica Peach. We met yesterday when you came to see us with Mr Bain.’

  The local police. ‘Yes, I remember,’ he assured her. ‘Do you have any news?’

  ‘Not as such, but we have been in touch with Puawaitahi, which is the child protection division of the New Zealand Police. They’re based in Auckland, but a member of the team is flying in today. He’d like to interview you at two thirty if you can make it.’

  Anthony’s eyes closed as the hideousness of it all crowded in on him. Were they going to start seeing him as a suspect, given it was his iPad? He had nothing to hide, but he sure as hell didn’t want anyone thinking, even for a minute, that he did.

  ‘I can make it,’ he told Jessica Peach, and ringing off he scrolled to Thomas Reilly’s number to rearrange the viewing for a potential buyer.

  I’m lying on the bed with Mummy and Boots, staring at the lavender-blue patterns on the wallpaper and thinking all sorts of things. I like being here, mainly because Mummy hasn’t wanted me to come into her room before today. She keeps saying she’s tired, or needs to think, or that I should go to sleep and stop frowning, because if the wind changes I might stay like it.

  I definitely don’t want to be saddled with a bad expression, so I’m doing my best to keep smiling, but it isn’t very easy. I really thought coming to England would make everything better, but Mummy’s obviously missing Cooper and Elodie, which isn’t how it’s supposed to be at all. I wish Mummy could forget all about them and be happy that it’s just me and her the way it used to be when we had lots of fun together and Mummy loved me enough to rescue me from my wicked parents.