You Said Forever

by Susan Lewis

  ‘It’s not what I want, and it won’t be what Charlotte wants either, but it’s what I have to do.’

  Bob shook his head in amazement. ‘So you’re going to quit, and take your family back to England where none of you want to be, rather than ask for my help?’

  Anthony started to answer, but Bob raised a hand to stop him. ‘Listen, son,’ he said firmly, ‘I get that you’re all over the place with priorities right now. All that’s going on with Chloe, how it’s affecting her and Charlotte, you too, the problems here at the vineyard, it’s a bloody nightmare, that’s for sure, but if we work together I’m telling you we can turn it around.’

  Anthony shook his head. ‘That’s good of you Bob, but …’

  ‘Stop! I don’t want to hear about why you can’t accept me as a partner. Whatever your reasons they’ll be to do with pride, and I’ve got no time for it. You’ve put body and soul into this place for the past four years, Charlotte has too, and I’m not going to let you walk away when I know damned well it’s not what either of you want. We’re going to go through the books together, you and me, and after I’ve transferred sufficient funds to get you out of the mire and back on track we’re going to talk to a lawyer to make our partnership official. After that, we’ll get together with the guys at Black Barn. They have plenty of ideas as well as contacts they’re willing to share – I know because I’ve already asked – and then we’re going to draw up a proper business plan for how to run things going forward. I don’t want you taking this as criticism of how you’ve managed this far, you haven’t done badly, but you’ve run into some lousy luck. We’re going to kick that into touch, and one of the ways we’re going to start is by looking at what should stay and what should go.’

  Sensing that Bob already had some suggestions for that, Anthony waited for him to continue.

  ‘Tell me about this Zoe person,’ Bob prompted. ‘I know she’s good to look at, and she’s a damned hard worker if all the tastings she’s got set up for the winter are anything to go by. But can we really afford her, and do we need this brochure she’s pulling together?’

  ‘We can discuss her position,’ Anthony responded, ‘but as you say, she’s got a lot of potential business lined up …’

  ‘Which you could be doing yourself if you make use of the Black Barn experience and learn to take your hands off the wheel now and again. Will is more than capable of running this place, and that Zoe girl’s got the hots for you. I guess you know that.’

  ‘It’s hardly relevant.’

  ‘I hope it isn’t, because she’s a distraction you can definitely do without.’

  Resenting the morality lecture that didn’t say much for trust, Anthony bit back with, ‘What she has, which is relevant, is a conscience about the Australian deal going south. She’s desperate to make up for it, and I think we should exploit that, at least to the end of her contract. It won’t do any harm, and it could do a lot of good.’

  ‘OK. What about the brochure? That must be costing a bit with a top-flight photographer …’

  ‘Not as much as you might think, and given that it’s already under way we might as well let it happen.’

  Bob nodded thoughtfully, and glanced at his phone as a text arrived. After sending a brief message back, he said, ‘Do you have time now to look at the accounts?’

  Although Anthony didn’t, he said, ‘Let’s do it, and if you decide when you see the full picture that you don’t want to take it on …’

  ‘I’ve already decided that I do.’ Turning as Anna came to join them, he slipped an arm round her as he told her that he’d said his piece. ‘He listened,’ he added, looking at Anthony. ‘Now let’s hope he does the same for you.’

  Anna’s eyes were gentle as she fixed them on Anthony. ‘Did you know,’ she asked, ‘that Charlotte’s made arrangements to hand Chloe over tomorrow?’

  Stunned that neither Charlotte nor Maggie had said anything to him, Anthony waited for Anna to continue.

  ‘Charlotte didn’t tell me either,’ Anna confessed, ‘I learned it from Julia, the psychologist, when I rang about an hour ago.’

  Anthony glanced at Bob, but he was staring at the ground.

  ‘The process of giving Chloe up is going to be traumatic enough,’ Anna continued, ‘but have you thought about how Charlotte’s going to live with herself after?’

  Anthony was turning cold, for it was that, as much as anything, that was keeping him awake at night.

  ‘Have you thought about how you’re going to live with yourself?’ Anna added. ‘That little girl thinks of you as her father. Oh, I know she calls you Anthony now, but have you ever taken a moment to ask yourself why?’

  He hadn’t, or not in a meaningful way. He’d had too much else on his mind.

  Nodding, as though he’d spoken, Anna said, ‘Rick’s at the cellar door and Rowan has the children. The car’s outside and I’d like you to come with me.’

  Frowning, Anthony looked at Bob again.

  ‘I’ve got it covered here,’ Bob assured him.

  Realising he needed to give this some time, Anthony followed Anna out of the winery. ‘Where are we going?’ he asked, as she opened the Range Rover’s passenger door for him to get in.

  ‘First we’re going to stop by the house,’ she replied, glancing at her watch as she went round to the driver’s side.

  ‘And then?’

  ‘You’ll see.’

  Chapter Fifteen

  I don’t want to go to Julia’s today. I was looking forward to it before, but now me and Mummy are on our way I’m not feeling very well. It’s like everything’s going strange and dark and scary inside my head and stomach, and making me feel sick.

  ‘You’ll be fine when you get there,’ Mummy said when I complained as we got in the car. ‘Come on, we don’t want to be late.’

  Mummy doesn’t look like herself. She keeps talking too fast, and she’s white and kind of grey round the mouth; and her eyes are all bloodshot like she’s been crying.

  ‘What have I got to cry about?’ she laughed when I asked, but it wasn’t a normal kind of laugh.

  I don’t know what she has to cry about, but there must be something and whatever it is I know it’s my fault. I’ve upset Mummy without knowing it, because I always do, but it’s hard to say sorry for something if you don’t know what you’ve done wrong. The way I screamed and shouted last night because everyone was ignoring me doesn’t count, because they were the ones doing the ignoring, not me. And I didn’t mean to knock over a chair or smash some ornaments, that was an accident, just like the way I fell up the stairs and bumped my head on the banister.

  No one cares about that. I know, because no one came to make sure I was all right. I heard Mummy saying to Auntie Maggie, ‘Leave her to calm down. It’s the only way.’

  ‘But are you all right?’ Auntie Maggie asked her. ‘You’re shaking like a leaf and you haven’t eaten anything all day.’

  ‘I’m fine, honestly. Or I will be when it’s over.’

  ‘Oh Charlotte, are you sure …’

  ‘Please don’t say any more. I can’t discuss it, it’ll only make things worse.’

  I’m not stupid. I know what they were talking about: as soon as the Easter holidays finish I’m going to be sent away and then it will be over.

  I realise now it’s why Mummy sneaked Boots into the suitcase and put in so many of my clothes, because she knew all along that I wouldn’t be going home with her.

  I’m feeling sick again. It’s rising up in my throat and making my head grow bigger and bigger like it’s going to explode. I don’t know what to do or say, so I just sit looking out of the car window, banging my feet on the floor and scratching my hands, while Mummy drives and doesn’t say anything either.

  When we get to Julia’s I walk in first, keeping my head up, and holding Mummy’s hand.

  ‘You’re squeezing my hand very tight,’ Mummy whispers. ‘Are you … Are you OK?’

  I don’t know how to answer. I
f I say no it might get on her nerves, so I say sorry instead and let her hand go.

  Julia comes out to meet us and I feel quite glad to see her, because she’s nice and friendly and she listens when I tell her things as though they’re really interesting and clever.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Julia asks Mummy.

  I look up as Mummy nods, even though she doesn’t look all right at all.

  Julia smiles at me and Mummy kneels down to give me a hug.

  ‘You be a good girl now, won’t you?’ she whispers in a voice that sounds like somebody else’s.

  I look at her, feeling frightened and panicky. ‘Are you coming back for me?’ I ask. Am I being given away today?

  Mummy tries to speak, but instead she sobs.

  I start to cry too. ‘Mummy,’ I wail.

  ‘Ssh, ssh, it’ll be fine,’ Mummy says. ‘You’re going to … help Julia …’

  ‘I don’t want you to go. Mummy please …’

  ‘I’ll just be outside,’ Mummy promises, clasping my face in her hands. ‘You go on with Julia now.’

  I put my hands over Mummy’s to try and keep her there.

  Mummy’s head drops on to mine. ‘It’ll be all right,’ she murmurs. ‘I promise, it’ll be all right,’ and after hugging me really hard, she stands up again.

  Not wanting to make a fuss in case it makes everything go wrong, I let Julia take my hand and walk me across the big hallway. When we reach the door I turn back to look at Mummy again.

  Tears are streaking down her face. ‘I love you,’ she whispers.

  I snatch my hand from Julia’s and run back to give Mummy a hug. ‘I love you too,’ I say, ‘always and forever.’

  Mummy tries to repeat it, but the words won’t seem to come out.

  ‘You said forever,’ I remind her, wanting her to say it.

  ‘I know,’ she gasps brokenly. ‘Oh Chloe, Chloe. I’m so sorry.’

  I take a big swallow. ‘It’s all right,’ I tell her, remembering how Auntie Maggie said I was brave, and even though I don’t feel at all brave I let Mummy go and follow Julia into the room where we’re going to talk about the little girl who doesn’t have a mummy and daddy or anyone in the whole wide world to love her.

  I know how she feels.

  ‘She’s gone!’ Charlotte sobbed into the phone. ‘Oh god, Anthony, I’ve handed her over and I can’t bear it. Please call me as soon as you get this.’

  Charlotte was still in the car outside Maggie and Ron’s, unable to go in, or drive on, or do anything apart from tear herself apart with so much grief and guilt it might destroy her. She kept hearing Chloe saying ‘always and forever’, and knowing she’d meant it the words ripped through her in a tide of longing and despair.

  ‘Chloe, Chloe, Chloe,’ she cried desperately.

  She could picture her sitting with Julia now, innocently trying to help a little girl she didn’t yet know was her, believing her mother was outside, and that she would be going home in an hour.

  Was that what she believed? It was always hard to tell with Chloe, but she surely wouldn’t have any idea yet that her mother had abandoned her.

  There was no other way to put it; it was what she’d done and in such a cowardly way that she knew already she had no hope of ever forgiving herself. But would explaining it and saying goodbye have been any easier, any better even? The mere thought of it made her cry out again – she could never have said goodbye to her precious girl, any more than she could have tried to explain that someone out there would give her a better, a happier life. How would she have been able to promise that, when she had no idea if it was ever going to come true? More likely she’d condemned Chloe to years in care that would not end well.

  As her head fell back against the seat she was seeing Chloe as she’d been the day they’d first met, at a park right here in Kesterly. She’d found her, aged three, sitting in a box swing, all alone. ‘Hello, and who are you?’ she’d said, and Chloe, beautiful and waiflike, had been too afraid to answer.

  She remembered the first time Chloe had spoken to her. ‘Boots,’ she’d said, telling Charlotte the name of her bear. Then there was the day Chloe had hidden in the back of her car because she hadn’t wanted to go home to her terrible parents. The way she’d cried when Charlotte had returned her to that awful house had broken Charlotte’s heart, and had made her more determined than ever to do whatever it took to rescue her from the abuse Charlotte had known was happening. She could see Chloe, small and baffled, quietly waiting in an upstairs room of the rectory while the police had questioned Charlotte downstairs about the missing little girl’s whereabouts. She recalled Chloe’s excitement when she’d got on a plane for the first time to go to New Zealand, how proud she’d been of her lighting-up trainers. There were endless memories of her playing on the beach at Te Puna, her mother and Bob’s home on the Bay of Islands. They’d lived an idyllic life for four whole months before the police had caught up with them. She would never forget Chloe’s tears of shock and joy the day she’d been brought back to Charlotte, after being put into care during the time of the trial. She must have thought Charlotte had stopped loving her; then suddenly one day, like magic, Charlotte was there again.

  It wasn’t going to happen that way this time. After leaving Julia’s just now Charlotte had driven to the car park outside Wendy’s office, where she’d transferred Chloe’s belongings from her boot to Wendy’s. In just over half an hour Wendy would go to Julia’s to collect her. By five o’clock Chloe would be in a home she’d never seen before with strangers, people who’d been told about her background and behaviour, and who, Wendy had promised, had a good track record where introducing problem children into care was concerned.

  It didn’t matter how kind and patient they were, Charlotte simply couldn’t bear to think of anyone but her taking care of Chloe, even though she’d done such a bad job of it. They were bonded in a way that went beyond words, that was embedded in their very souls. They’d been brought together by fate, and fate had gone on, against all odds, to make them mother and daughter. Their connection might not be through blood, but Charlotte knew for certain that she couldn’t love Chloe more if it were. Giving her up was like ripping out her own heart.

  ‘Oh god, oh god,’ she sobbed, banging her hands on the wheel. ‘I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t.’ How was she ever going to live with the empty space that Chloe should be occupying, thinking about her day after day, tormenting herself with what might be happening to her and how lonely, angry and afraid she might feel. Wherever she was, whomever she was with, she’d know she hadn’t been loved enough by the only mummy she’d ever really had, and whom she loved with all her innocent and troubled little heart.

  ‘But I do love you, Chloe,’ she cried wretchedly. ‘Please don’t ever think I don’t. Always and forever.’

  Realising her mobile was ringing, she reached for it and clicked on.

  ‘Charlotte? Are you there?’ Anthony barked down the line.

  ‘Yes, I’m here,’ she managed to gasp. ‘Oh Anthony. I don’t know what to do. I’ve just left her …’

  ‘Get her back! Go now and get her back.’ He was almost shouting.

  Not sure she’d heard right, Charlotte tried to steady herself.

  ‘Do whatever you have to do,’ he told her, ‘just get her back.’

  ‘I – I don’t understand …’ Was this really happening?

  ‘Just do as I say, please,’ he implored. ‘I have to go now …’

  ‘Where are you?’

  ‘In Singapore, about to board a plane for London. Get Chloe, then call your mother. She’ll explain – or maybe she won’t, I don’t know, but I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

  Afraid she was in a dream, while suddenly aware of how urgent this was, Charlotte turned the car around and sped back towards town.

  ‘I’m coming, Chloe, I’m coming,’ she called, as though Chloe could hear. Fumbling for her phone to call Wendy, she realised the battery had died and panic engu
lfed her. ‘No! No!’ she cried, looking at the time, and jamming her foot harder on the accelerator she pulled out to overtake a lorry, narrowly missing an oncoming car. ‘Please don’t have taken her yet,’ she mentally begged Wendy while shooting through red lights on to Marina Drive. ‘She mustn’t know, must never find out.’

  She arrived at Julia’s with minutes to spare. Wendy was already there, and seeing Charlotte pulling in she got out of her car.

  ‘I can’t do it,’ Charlotte gasped as she reached her. ‘I just can’t. Anthony’s on his way …’

  Wendy nodded, and in a rare display of tenderness she squeezed Charlotte’s hand. ‘My car’s open. If you transfer everything back again, I’ll go inside to make sure she doesn’t come out until it’s done.’

  Loving her for understanding, Charlotte grabbed Chloe’s bags, books and the beloved Boots, and had just closed the lid of Maggie’s Punto when Julia’s front door opened.

  ‘Mummy!’ Chloe cried, and Charlotte could tell by the surprise and relief in her tone that on some level, deep inside her young psyche, she’d been afraid that her mummy wasn’t going to be there when she came out. She sensed so much, even if she didn’t understand it, and Charlotte knew she must never forget that.

  ‘Come on,’ Charlotte smiled through her tears as she hugged her precious girl hard, ‘let’s get you home before the rain starts.’

  It was after eight by the time Anthony arrived the following evening. Ron had gone to collect him from the airport, while Charlotte and Maggie took Chloe to the Seafront Cafe for tea. Chloe had talked so much, about the times she and Charlotte had been there when she was little (all repeats of the stories Charlotte had told her), about the things she’d helped Julia with, and about all the special treats they could have with Daddy when he got here, that she’d worn herself out completely. As a result she was fast asleep in bed by the time Anthony came through the door.

  The instant Charlotte saw him, looking as though he’d been travelling for days, she ran straight into his arms. The feel of him holding her, the strength of his embrace and the way he drew back to look at her with his familiar tenderness and irony was so overwhelming that she could only laugh and cry and wish they were alone. She’d missed him so much, and the urgency of her need to be closer was pulsing through her shamelessly.