by K. Aten
“Oh.”
Kelsey looked worried. “Oh, what?”
“So she didn’t actually tell you anything, just agreed with you?”
Kelsey tried to remember exactly what Jamie had said. “She told me that my friendship meant the world to her too, and that she’d be lost without me.”
Jenn looked at her curiously. “And how do you feel about her?”
“I feel the same way, of course. We’ve gotten very close and I care for her a lot. Why?”
The other woman gave her a knowing smile. “You mean you’re not attracted to her at all?”
Kelsey rolled her eyes. “Of course I’m attracted to her! That’s partly how Saturday night happened. Five of us were left at the end playing Truth or Dare, all drunk off our asses on wine. They started ganging up on me. Jamie asked how many people I was attracted to in the room and I said just one, thinking things would move on after that. Then Burke thought he’d be cute and pick me again. I chose dare so I wouldn’t have to answer any more hard questions.”
Jenn laughed. “And I’m guessing that’s when things took a turn. Burke is an incurable romantic and a known matchmaker. I’m not surprised he had a hand in things.”
“Yeah, well he dared me to make out with the person I was attracted to for sixty seconds. And that just kind of opened the floodgates so to speak.”
The other woman snickered. “Both figuratively and literally huh?”
Kelsey huffed. “Oh yeah.”
While Jamie was always pretty reserved emotionally, Jenn had gotten good at reading her in the years since they became friends. “I tried to warn you that she liked you before I left Saturday.”
“Yeah, I remember that. But I already knew that Jamie was attracted to me. She’d done everything but come right out and say it on many occasions.”
Jenn shook her head. “No, Kelsey. I think she really likes you. And I also think that it’s been a long time since she’s felt like this and maybe she’s not sure how to deal with it.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Kelsey looked panicked. “But I can’t like her like that!”
Jenn raised an eyebrow in question. “Can’t?”
“Don’t. Won’t! You and I have discussed this and we both know she’s not dateable.” Kelsey was adamant.
“No, I only know that she’s not dateable for me, and most of the women in her past. But I think with the right woman she would be. And I also know that Jamie is a very determined woman when it comes to getting what she wants.”
Kelsey snorted. “Yeah well we’ve already slept together so she should be all set.”
Jenn rolled her eyes at how stubborn her friend could be. “She doesn’t want to sleep with you, Kels. I think she wants a lot more. Is that such a bad thing?”
“From almost anyone but her? No. But I’m not going to lose a friend, or my heart, to another Romeo who thinks she wants to settle down. It’s just better if we stay friends.”
“But—” Jenn looked a little upset but Kelsey waved off her words.
“No, that’s just the way it has to be. I don’t want to lose her but I also can’t pretend that she hasn’t been sleeping her way through half the St. Seren lesbian population, breaking hearts when she inevitably moves on.”
Jenn was irritated that Kelsey would just shut something so rare down. She had never seen Jamie fall for someone and she knew that first crack in the blonde’s emotional armor was precious and that she’d be very vulnerable to hurt. “You’re judging her.”
Kelsey shook her head sadly. “No, I’m simply a realist. She’s told me many times how women always want more but she just wasn’t interested. I’m not going to be one of those women.” She looked at the time on her cell phone and made a face. “Shit, I told James that I’d be there by eight and I’m going to be late.” Jenn stood up and Kelsey hugged her. “Thank you so much for taking care of my boys while I’m gone. I’ll text you and keep you updated on what’s going on, okay?”
Jenn nodded. “It’s no problem. I’m just really sad for you with all that’s going on with your grandmamma. I hope she gets better.”
“I do too, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up.” Kelsey shrugged.
“If the worst does happen, lean on Jamie. That’s why she's there, okay?”
That familiar feeling of safety washed over Kelsey and she smiled at Jenn’s words. “I will.”
“STOP FIDGETING!”
“I’m not fidgeting!”
Kelsey raised an eyebrow at her. “Yes, James, you are.” She put a hand on the jumpy knee and it stilled instantly. She looked at the blonde curiously. “What’s the matter, are you afraid to fly?”
Unwanted memory crashed down on the nervous woman. The same voice continuously sounded in varying tones of disparagement in Jamie’s mind. The litany of comments was always the same. No matter where they were, no matter who was with them. For years it went on.
“I’m going on vacation James, and I can either go with you or go without you. Maybe it’s better if you do stay home, you’re always such a downer lately.”
“James, you can’t seriously be afraid to fly. You’re not a child, try not to embarrass me in front of my—” “Milk, really? You’re so stupid, I don’t know why we even bother going out to a nice dinner.” “Why would you enter that contest? You’re just going to humiliate yourself, and me with you!”
“Jamie!”
A finger snapped in front of her face and Kelsey’s worried green eyes swam back into focus. Jamie shivered and felt a little nauseous, the same way she felt every time she remembered her ex-girlfriend. Gayle was older by five years, her first female lover, and her first love. The relationship was toxic from the beginning but Jamie was blinded to it all by being head over heels in love with the woman.
Then the verbal and emotional abuse began to wear on her. Jamie started catching her ex in a multitude of lies, catching her with hard drugs, and eventually finding out about the affair. Just the last one of what was apparently a long line that spanned their entire relationship. Drunken ranting seemed to be the norm.
“You’ve never been anything, you’ll never amount to anything. You’re just trash like everyone else in your poor-ass family! Good luck finding something as good as what you have here. You’re not even good in bed, my ex was better—”
On and on it went. Even after Jamie finally left, the stalking and the calls started. She was in a pretty bad place for years because of that relationship.
Jamie jerked away when she felt a soft palm on her cheek. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
The blonde blinked, sinking back to reality in an instant. “Nothing. You’re right, I’m just not a fan of flying.”
“Bullshit.” Jamie looked up into tight green eyes and Kelsey spoke again. “You look like you’re going to cry and it’s not the first time you’ve just disappeared on me.” Kelsey remembered something that Jamie had said to her months before. “Is this something you don’t want to talk about? Is this about your ex?” They were interrupted when the steward came around asking if they needed anything. They shook their heads and the man continued on. It was a small plane so it was just the two of them in their row. Kelsey softly placed her hand on Jamie’s arm. “You don’t have to talk about it, just know that I’m here okay?”
Jamie nodded and closed her eyes as the captain announced that they had reached cruising altitude. She was quiet for about five minutes and Kelsey thought perhaps she just needed some space. She was startled when Jamie finally began to speak. “I met my ex right after I filed for divorce. I started driving down to St. Seren, just trying to meet new people who were like me, gay people. It was a completely different world than what I was used to. I was different.” Jamie laughed at the person she was when she first came out. “You should have seen me, Kels. You would have never recognized me in a million years!”
“Oh, really?” Kelsey raised an eyebrow but she wasn’t going to risk saying anything more than just mild co
mments. In the past, Jamie always shut down completely when the subject of her ex was brought up. The blonde was finally opening up to her and she wasn’t going to do anything but support her. “Was it because you had dark hair?”
Jamie shook her head. “No, it was because I had long dark hair and glasses. And Flannel, oh, and a major love of hiking boots.”
“No freaking way, you’re kidding me!”
Jamie laughed. “Nope.”
“And you didn’t know you were gay until what, twenty-five?”
“Twenty-four! And I’ll have you know that it’s happened as late as sixty for some women!” She shrugged when Kelsey giggled at her. “So anyway, I met my ex after only driving down to St. Seren for about three months. I’d come down on Fridays and Saturdays and go to the bar to make new friends. Within two months of meeting Gayle I had gotten corrective eye surgery, a haircut, and blonde dye job. I fell hard and I just wanted to please her, you know?” She shook her head and looked down. “But I never could please her.”
“James.” Kelsey waited until she had her friend’s attention. “You don’t have to talk about it. It’s okay.”
Jamie looked resolutely back at her. “No, I want to, I’m ready to th—that is, if you don’t mind?”
Kelsey grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight. “I’m always here for you. Always!” And for the next hour Jamie did talk. By the time Jamie was done, Kelsey was surprised that Jamie hadn’t spent the past five years curled into a fetal ball. Kelsey herself knew the pain of being cheated on, but she had no frame of reference to understand what Jamie had gone through. Years of verbal and emotional abuse, years of constantly being told that you were worth nothing because of where you came from or how much money you made. The blonde had to deal with not only that, but a lover who was also controlling to the point that it threatened Jamie’s career.
And because all of those things weren’t bad enough, she had to deal with her ex’s drinking and drug problem that spiraled out of control over the last two years they were together. Then to find out that the entire time they were together, her ex had been having affairs in secret? It was awful to hear, let alone to live through. Kelsey hurt for Jamie and had gained an understanding for her motivations and relationship fears. Jenn was right and now Kelsey felt bad for having judged her friend.
Jamie laughed nervously when Kelsey remained silent, trying to process everything she had been told. “I guess I’m pretty fucked up, huh?”
That snapped Kelsey out of her haze and she quickly raised the arm between the seats and pulled Jamie into a bone-crushing hug. “No, you’re not. I’d say you were just broken for a while.”
The blonde sighed and enjoyed the feel of Kelsey’s arms around her. Kelsey was soft and warm, and she had the most intriguing cologne. “What are you wearing?”
Kelsey pulled back, looked down at herself, then back up at Jamie. “Uh, a state hoodie. Why?”
Jamie smacked her leg. “No smartass, I meant your cologne.”
“Courage.”
“Oh, isn’t that a men’s fragrance?”
Kelsey gave her a look. “And your point is?” She cocked her head to the side and smiled. “What, you don’t like it?”
“I love it!” Jamie’s eye’s widened. “I mean, uh, er, it’s really nice.”
Kelsey started laughing. “Wow, James. You’re so suave with the ladies!”
She got a swat to the arm for her teasing. “Whatever! It’s not like you’re a lady.”
“No? Well what am I then?”
“You’re one of the best friends I could ever ask for.” Jamie gave Kelsey such an earnest smile it nearly melted her into a puddle. She couldn’t help thinking that the flight was much too long to sit pressed up against Jamie with the armrest up.
At some point in the flight Kelsey got bored and decided to get some entertainment out of her backpack. She pulled out the two items she had brought for the trip. Contemplating both she weighed them in her hand. “What to do, what to do—”
“What the hell did you bring, the biggest books from the public library?”
Kelsey made a face at her. “No. One is a hardcover book and one is a giant book of crosswords. I wanted to make sure I had enough to do in case there was a lot of waiting.” Kelsey didn’t bother telling her that the book was a loaner from one of the girls she worked with. Knowing it would be plenty, she left her e-reader at home. She glanced at her friend who had been merely sitting there reclined in her seat for an hour. “I can’t just sit there doing nothing like you. I get bored!”
Jamie looked confused. “Doing nothing?” She reached up to the ear that was on the opposite side as Kelsey and removed a small rubber bud. “I’ve been listening to music.”
Kelsey scoffed. “What music? In your head? You don’t even have a music player, James.” Realizing Kelsey’s confusion, Jamie started laughing and reached up to her neck. Then much to Kelsey’s surprise, her friend removed a black plastic torque necklace thing from where it draped there. It had been hiding just below the collar of her shirt. She looked closer at it, perplexed, noting the buttons on the strange looking necklace. The rubber buds were attached to the ends of the torque. “I don’t get it, how do you listen. Do you put the whole thing over your head like a headband? And where is your cord?”
“Oh my dear, sweet, behind-the-times Kelsey. This is a wireless headset.”
She carefully pulled on a rubber bud and Kelsey was amazed to discover that it was connected to the set via a retractable wire. When it was all the way extended, you could get it to retract again by just giving it a little tug. It was genius. But there was still something missing. “How do you plug it in?”
Jamie rolled her eyes at how electronically challenged Kelsey was. She quickly put it around Kelsey’s neck and pulled the cell phone out of her hoodie pocket. “Go ahead and pull a bud out and put it in your ear.” She waited while Kelsey complied. “Okay, now look. Wireless means Bluetooth enabled, the same way my phone connects to my car. Got it?” Kelsey nodded and Jamie pressed play again on the music app.
Kelsey’s eyes widened for a second then after a minute her head started bobbing along. “Hey, this is pretty good! I’ve never heard the song before, who is the band?” Jamie told her and after another minute Kelsey took the bud out and retracted it back into the device. Then she took the headphones off and handed them back to Jamie. “I suppose you have something equally as nerdy in lieu of a book?”
The blonde snorted. “You have a smart phone, you know you can download the kindle app there.”
“I don’t like reading on such a small screen.” She shrugged and Jamie reached into her messenger bag and pulled out something that was larger than a cell phone but smaller than a notepad. It was slim and black with a gray screen. “That looks like an etch-a-sketch minus the knobs.”
“Oh my God, woman, haven’t you ever seen an eBook reader? What decade do you even live in?”
“Look at you, all high and mighty with your tech. So what does it do, turn the pages for you? Big whoop!” Jamie counted to ten in Spanish and Kelsey punched her in the arm. “Stop showing off!”
Jamie rubbed the sore arm. “I’m not showing off, I’m trying to keep my patience with such a techno-dweeb!” Kelsey looked affronted and Jamie poked at her. “Yeah, I said it! How many books do you have with you, dweeb?”
Kelsey rolled her eyes. “You just saw both my books, duh!”
“Yeah? Well I’ve got over five hundred right here! So suck it!”
“That’s what she said!”
Kelsey’s comeback took Jamie by surprise and she cracked up laughing. “Oh, that is definitely what she said, over and over and over again!”
“You are such a perv!” While she didn’t own any Bluetooth enabled gadgets, Kelsey wasn’t quite as clueless as she pretended to be. But she really liked screwing with her and it made her friend smile so that had to count for something. She knew that having Jamie open up emotionally was a huge deal and she felt very pri
vileged that her friend felt safe with her. But it also made her think more about what Jenn had said. Did Jamie have feelings beyond that of friendship? She didn’t know and she was scared to find out.
Chapter Sixteen
“OKAY, DON’T BE nervous. It’s just my parents.”
Jamie snorted. “That’s easy for you to say!” She looked sideways at Kelsey. They were sitting in the rental car on the street outside Kelsey’s parents’ stucco house. It featured the distinctive Spanish tile roof and large front porch. It was an older neighborhood but it still looked kept up. “This is a really nice place.”
Kelsey nodded. “Yeah, the house has been in our family for a few generations and Papa started really putting a lot of work into it when they moved down here seven years ago. One of my uncles is a contractor and he did a lot of work in exchange for Papa servicing his trucks. Plus Mama and Papa were the only ones who really wanted mi abuela to live with them, out of all my papa’s siblings.”
Jamie understood that not a lot of people would want to have a mother or mother-in-law live with them. “So are we going to say hi and drop off the bags, then go up to the hospital?”
Kelsey shrugged. Their purpose for visiting suddenly hit home. “Yeah, I guess. I wish Papa would have answered the phone so I would know if I should have gone straight there.” She swallowed and looked at Jamie with such sad green eyes that Jamie thought her heart would break. “I just want to be able to say goodbye, you know?”
Jamie took her hand and gave it a little squeeze. “I know, Kels. For now we should probably get in there. I keep seeing a little face peer out the window at us.”
“It’s probably one of my cousins. My guess is there will be a lot of people in town to say their last goodbyes.”
Less than a minute later they were standing on the covered porch. July heat in San Antonio was oppressive and Jamie began to sweat almost immediately. Kelsey knocked on the door and they waited. Even though it was her parents’ house, she herself had never lived there and it would have felt strange to just walk in. The door was pulled open and a small Hispanic boy greeted them. “Kelthey!” Before Jamie could even understand what had happened, the little boy threw himself into Kelsey’s arms and she spun him around.