‘I hadn’t meant to frighten you.’
‘No.’
She smiled again. ‘So you were the one who managed to put things right when it was about to go to pieces under the fir tree. “You’re a girl,” you said, but I got nowhere even though I am a girl. It was so easy for you, you see, just to jump in and be a man.’
‘Well—’
Aud regretted it at once.
‘Torvil, forgive me, it just dropped out of my mouth! It wasn’t easy for you, I know that very well, Torvil!’
‘All right, all right.’
‘Are you annoyed?’
‘Shhh.’
‘I can tell you that I liked you for the way you jumped in. I liked you, even though it wasn’t much fun for me.’
Torvil looked away at the wall, refusing to meet her eyes. There was a long, difficult silence. At last Aud began, ‘What are you going to do? May I ask about that?’
‘Don’t know.’
‘I see.’
‘I didn’t mean that, I meant that you never know what you’re going to do. This is how everything ends up, it seems to me: don’t know, don’t know.’
‘You must know something.’
‘I’m going to meet her tomorrow afternoon. I don’t know any more than that. We’ve scarcely talked about anything besides what you heard yourself. We parted at once, you know. It was this business about your not being my sister that she made such a fuss about.’
‘Made such a fuss about?’
‘Yes. She’d taken it for granted, I suppose. I know what I want to do: I want to take Valborg home with me to Mother and Father and put an end to this. Get it all decided.’
‘Are you crazy? Now, at once? No, you must wait for a while before you do that.’
‘I know, that’s what Valborg said too. But I’m going to do it. I’m not hanging around like this. It would be awful, with what you believe, and they believe, and everything.’
‘Of course you can mention it to them. So that they’re prepared for a change. But I don’t think you should drag Valborg into it so suddenly.’
Behind everything they said something else lay aching. They could not bring themselves to say it. Later perhaps, they thought, and pushed it ahead of them. Torvil answered Aud about taking Valborg home.
‘They won’t believe I’m serious until they see her. They must see who I’m bringing home!’
‘Yes,’ said Aud, scarcely looking up at him.
‘What is it?’
‘Nothing.’
Silence for a while.
‘But I’m sure you don’t understand,’ began Torvil again.
‘Of course I do, Torvil.’
She sat flexing her foot.
‘And what about this college? We’ve been driving ourselves on to prepare for it. What about that?’ asked Aud.
‘I suppose I’ll go. But I’m going to show them Valborg first.’
Aud wanted to laugh at his enthusiasm, as she sat flexing her foot. Torvil noticed it, and was annoyed. He had no faith in Aud’s smiles and laughter now. She was sitting flexing her foot so idly. Then she suddenly winced as if stung.
Torvil noticed it at once, sensitive as he was towards everything, every movement, every sound.
‘What was it, Aud?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Why do you say that? My nerves are on edge. If you don’t tell me, I’ll think it’s ten times worse than it really is.’
Aud replied unwillingly, ‘You mustn’t threaten me like that. But I suppose what you say is true. It’s just that I remembered that dog I dreamt about two or three weeks ago.’
‘Oh, that.’
‘Yes. But don’t let’s talk about it any more.’
‘No, I agree. No one is picked out by anything except his own imagination.’ He would never tell her the truth.
Aud said, ‘No, we’d better talk about Valborg; the Valborg we found in the woods and threw a ring round.’
Why do you want to do that? he asked himself. He could not guess why. She’s talking about Valborg. When he said nothing she began again: ‘I’ll tell you something; I’m glad you broke it off the way you did. I could see how it was between you and Valborg the first evening. And you saw how frightened and helpless she was because of it, and how she wanted to run away. If we had let her do that, who knows, I believe she would have gone under, she was so desperate. But then you were so bewitched that you made that jump. You needn’t be ashamed of it, Torvil, you ought to feel the very opposite. You’re your own master, I have no right to interfere. The one who has a claim on you now is Valborg. You know yourself how we’ve been.’
‘That’s true, but still ...’
He did not want to make any comment. He could not thank her. She was probably enjoying herself thoroughly, sitting there talking like that.
She said, ‘Of course this will change Valborg.’
‘Do you think so?’
She noted how terrified he was. He began to shift in his chair.
‘I think I’d better go home now.’
He was about to get to his feet, but Aud stopped him. ‘Before you go,’ she said.
He waited.
‘We must talk about that ring round Valborg. We made a solid ring. And it must stay that way, Torvil.’
He heard how important this was.
‘I’ll never doubt that. Nor will Valborg ever doubt that.’
Aud, too, got to her feet. And was free. What else she was he could not tell.
‘Good night, Torvil. I shall go for a walk in the wind tomorrow.’
‘In the wind?’
‘Yes, whether there is any wind or not.’
30
Three Bridges
Under the same broad, dense fir tree as yesterday. Not that the weather made it necessary, for the day was sunny and all the moisture had dried during the morning. They sat well hidden.
Before Torvil came here he learned that Aud had gone for her walk, as she had decided the previous evening. She had her wind too: a small breeze was playing. She had come home to dinner, now she was gone again. Nobody asked after her, assuming she was with Torvil. So Torvil left the house when no one was looking, slipping between the trees close to the wall of the house. When both of them were missing, nobody worried.
How would things look in a few days—here in this blessed tranquillity?
Don’t think about it.
It’ll probably be all right.
It’s now it’s exciting and strange, and not a little painful, in the passionate, difficult world outside the fence, the world the rest of them inside don’t even dream about.
Aud?
Aud was walking in the wind.
Here beneath the dense fir tree there is no wind. Our thoughts here resemble dark, hot earth.
Torvil met a questioning face, not open but not like yesterday either; there was a new glow in her eyes, from having looked down into a rising well.
Torvil could not know that, but he felt a wave of emotion go through him at the sight of her.
They settled down on the soft floor of the wood, leaning back against the grey tree-trunk.
‘Don’t say anything for a while, Torvil.’
That was almost the first thing she said. She released him and withdrew a little. It was said so softly that it was scarcely audible.
He asked, ‘What is it?’
‘Something important.’
He felt a little nudge of conscience. Before he had time to say anything she asked, ‘What have you been thinking about since yesterday?’
‘Nothing that has altered anything,’ he answered.
‘You think that’s what’s most important?’
He looked at her as if asking: Has anything happened? But he saw the glow in her eyes.
‘I don’t understand, Valborg, isn’t that what’s most important? What was so right yesterday?’
‘Yes,’ she said, and the glow became stronger, ‘it was enormously right yesterday. For me yesterday,’ she sai
d with emphasis, reaching out her hand to him.
Torvil took her hand as if this was irrelevant. He looked at Valborg searchingly and told her, ‘I’m beginning to feel amazed. What have you been thinking about since yesterday? What has become important?’
‘I’ve been thinking the whole time since we parted, as you must realize. All night too.’
‘Well?’
He waited.
‘What did Aud say?’
So that was the first important matter—he wasn’t surprised.
‘Are you afraid of her?’ he asked, instead of answering her question.
‘Not afraid any more. No, no, not afraid.’
He looked at her a little uncertainly.
‘No, of course you’re not when you think it over,’ he said, still uncertain for some reason.
‘But I’d like to know if I may, what Aud said when you were alone yesterday. I ought not to ask, but it’s extremely important to me to know.’
Torvil answered reluctantly, ‘I’d rather not tell you. It’s her business. Hers and mine. And all that. She’s not annoyed or angry with you.’
Then he flared up. ‘I don’t think you need to ask about Aud like this. After all it was she who protected you that first evening. I was the one who wanted to run off and tell someone.’
‘I thought so. I caught a few words now and again in my misery. My God!’ she added.
‘Why?’
‘Why? For what I was about to do to Aud in return! Haven’t you thought about that for a moment?’
‘Believe me, I have. But still ...’
Again he was annoyed, uncertain. ‘It’s just that quibbling over this won’t help matters. It’s done, and I don’t regret it. I had to jump right into it. No questions. There’s something like that about you, you see. So I had to. That’s what I saw in you. That was what Aud understood—and she still understands. She will always understand.’
He paused, then continued, ‘It wasn’t pity—it was for myself. Because you are what you are. It’s for myself. Do you hear?’
Her eyes lit up again. ‘Yes, yes, calm down a bit. Of course I saw how you came to me, and I know that everything you say is true. I shall be grateful to you all my life for coming to me like that. That’s what did it.’
Torvil sat up straight, hearing an additional emphasis behind the words. ‘What is it, Valborg?’
‘It’s simply that I’ve been thinking. I can’t stay with you, Torvil. I came to that conclusion when I was alone and could think.’
Torvil stared at her dumbly.
‘Mainly since hearing that you and Aud are not related. For that reason I shan’t stay with you.’
Torvil’s bewilderment threatened to get the upper hand; his nerves were worn thin by now. He needed time to read sense into her words. He looked to see if the glow in her eyes had gone. No, it was there. He felt out of control.
‘But Valborg—you don’t mean it?’
‘Look at me then, and see whether I mean it. I can’t and I won’t. You’ll understand when you’ve thought it over again.’
‘Understand?’
‘I believe so.’
They were on their feet, facing each other, breathing with difficulty.
Valborg started to explain.
‘Now, listen to me. You hadn’t told me anything about Aud when I wanted this, as you quite rightly say. I looked on her as your sister, thought you were an affectionate brother and sister. Everything you did seemed to bear it out, and prove that you had lived together, day in day out. And it seemed to me that you resembled each other—I suppose I imagined it. But not entirely. There is a resemblance.’
‘All right. You’ve told me this already.’
‘Listen to me, I tell you. I will by no means push Aud out of a position which I believe she considers as hers—and certainly not after what she has done for me! That’s the main reason. I would have no peace, I would be ashamed of myself every waking hour—I wouldn’t be able to bear it.’
She paused, to give him time to make sense of it.
He was listening intently now. Her words did not drop into a silence in his mind, but he heard every one. Now she began again.
‘I don’t know how far you meant this to go. I hadn’t thought about it myself either. We hadn’t got as far as that. Neither of us is properly grown-up. But I can’t be with you in any way, knowing that I have pushed Aud aside.’
Torvil said sharply, ‘I had intended to introduce you to Father and Mother and marry you.’
Valborg smiled warmly. ‘Yes, you’re a big boy. I believe you. And I’ve told you already what it means to me that you came rushing to me like this—it saved me. Now I can go away. Now I shall manage. You have done it, and Aud. I can scarcely believe it.’
Torvil was quite numb, but he was still listening.
‘Are you really going?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘Now I can go wherever I want, because I shall outgrow this. We shan’t see each other again. I can leave. This situation I got into that nearly destroyed me—I shall outgrow it. I feel it and I understand it. Outgrow it, do you hear, Torvil! Thanks to you and Aud.’
Torvil remembered the solid ring that had been thrown around Valborg, about which she knew nothing. He would not tell her about it.
She seemed tired, suddenly. She leaned against the tree.
‘Do you understand, Torvil?’
‘Yes,’ he replied.
Do I understand?
What is happening?
It’ll dawn on me soon.
It’s still quiet.
‘I’m not going to ask what your feelings are, Torvil. I’ll spare you that. Maybe you’ll think I’m unkind if I say that I’m not anxious for you on that account?’
He did not reply. But he did not like her saying it so abruptly.
Valborg nodded at him.
‘Now I’ve said what I had to say. But how about you, have you said what you wanted?’
‘No, but never mind.’
‘Say it then, Torvil.’
Not that her radiance was gone or lessened; it was about her as before.
‘I can’t,’ he said. ‘Did you say, for the last time?’ he continued.
‘Yes. We’re not going to mess things up for each other, are we?’
This was strange. His thoughts were strange. Strange images. They passed before his eyes and were extraordinary.
‘Will you say good-bye to Aud?’
‘No. It would be too difficult. I’d like you to do it for me. And I expect you’ll explain it all to her.’
‘Yes.’
They stood for a while. It was still so strange. Torvil bent over and kissed her. Valborg said, ‘I’d like to too, Torvil.’
That was all. Their meeting had been brief. It was still broad daylight.
‘I’ll come with you as far as the bridge.’
‘All right, or as far as the edge of the wood.’
The path downhill was winding and almost overgrown.
The river was so close that they could see it glittering.
There was nothing to say; it was a silent expedition. They had come to the edge of the wood already, to Torvil’s limit. From here the two houses were hidden by the leaves.
But the bridge.
The dark bridge sprang out from pier to pier.
Valborg looked at it and said in farewell, ‘They’re fine arches.’
‘Yes.’
They went their separate ways.
Torvil walked home to the other world. He forced himself to stroll indifferently towards his house. Inwardly he had not calmed down.
He thought about fine arches.
In a little while he was standing in the field beside the house.
He thought: What is it? Brought up short as if by a glimpse of something shameful.
Nothing.
But it was not so easily brushed aside. A question lay in the air:
Was he going to c
onfess anything at home?
No.
The probing question would not leave him. It came again when he reached the door: Are you going to confess now?
It’s Valborg’s day today! he replied.
Is that any answer?
A woman came out of one of the doors, Aud’s mother. She paused and asked, without curiosity, ‘Isn’t Aud coming too?’
‘She’ll be along soon. She met someone.’
‘Oh well, there’s no hurry.’
He was alone again and stood, struggling with himself, looking to see if Aud was coming. Here were strange invisible arches.
31
The Uplifting Wind
Aud in the wind.
There wasn’t much wind, and yet ...
Aud in the uplifting day.
Uplifting?
In an impossible way uplifting. Uplifting in the face of a gaping chasm. The hurtful uplifting that takes place there.
Aud in the impossible day. A large, splendid whole is no more: a deep tension that had never pushed itself forward, merely waited a little, is broken.
A walk in the wind, she had said to Torvil. She had been forced to say it in sheer desperation.
Brush it away. Out into this uplifting day. This is how it is today. I don’t understand it. If there is a wind, then it’s mine.
I’ll ask for it today.
I swing my arms, I walk as I wish. I hold my head as high as I wish, she thought in her pent-up desperation.
Her confident feet tapped along the road.
Her eyes were unafraid today.
Help me, she thought, feet and eyes and all that I have.
She had made an extra effort: it was sunny and warm enough for it. In defiance she had dressed in such thin clothes that everyone looked at her, delighting in their casual encounter. She was on the highway now, having first gone for a walk across the fields, swinging her arms and holding her head high.
She walked erect and easily. She saw how people took pleasure in meeting her: a lightning-quick change of expression to delight because they saw her approaching and passing them. Good. Like a gentle explosion of joy inside you.
Torvil and Valborg—what about them?
Torvil and Valborg are in the woods now. No, not yet. He has not gone yet. Anyway it doesn’t concern me.
She thought again, and managed to say: Of course it concerns me, but it shouldn’t. I’m going to be in the wind I’ve asked for, and been given.
The Bridges Page 13