by Talia Hunter
He screwed his face up. “I wish. Actually, she started dating someone else. The best thing that happened was her new boyfriend wasn’t as big as BJ.”
“You kept walking her home against her will? For how long?”
“That was our last year of school. After we graduated, she started a beauty therapy course and kept working at the burger joint in the evenings. She had a couple more boyfriends, but yeah, eventually she got used to me showing up every night. Even started talking to me during the walk home. Asking about my day.” He laughed and spun the pen across his knuckles. “She told me she’d decided that as stalkers went, I wasn’t so bad.”
“Let me get this straight. Are you telling me this went on for longer than weeks or months?”
“After two and a half years, she quit the burger joint.”
Suzie shook her head in disbelief. “You walked her home every night for two and a half years?”
“Yeah, but here’s the part of it that used to fascinate Nate. Every day I used to ask myself if I was doing the right thing. Especially when she got a new boyfriend who’d kick my ass. Or when she did what she’d threatened to do and called the police.”
She opened her mouth to ask how he’d explained himself to the police, then shut it again. Best not to interrupt his flow of words when he was getting to the part she most wanted to know.
“You know what kept me going? It was one simple thing.”
She leaned forward. This was the secret that had helped Nate make his millions.
“I had two options. First one was to stop walking her home. Okay, so I was in love with her, but I thought, given time, I could get over that. And if I didn’t have to go to the burger joint every night, my nights would be free to do other things. In other words, I knew exactly what the rewards of stopping would be. I could picture them. And I was tempted every single night.”
“But you didn’t do it.”
He shook his head. “No. Because option two was to keep going. And with that option, I had no idea what might happen.”
She frowned. “I don’t get it. What if nothing good happened? What if you got arrested or beaten up again?”
“Exactly.” He grinned at her puzzled look. “Option two had an unknown outcome, so it was always the better choice. Every night I turned up at the burger joint, there was a chance Nancy might finally speak to me. Maybe even fall in love with me. Every night I got to draw another card from the deck. Maybe I’d draw an Ace and maybe the Joker. But if I stayed home, I’d never get to play.”
Suzie sat back. Could it really be that simple? She wasn’t sure whether to feel cheated or exhilarated. “That’s what kept you going all that time?”
“Making that choice everyday was the best thing I ever did.” He pointed the pen toward the photos on the wall. “That’s Nancy.”
The realization clicked in Suzie’s mind. “She did fall in love with you. You married her, didn’t you? And you had a daughter.”
Harrison got up and crossed over to the photos. He reached out and touched his daughter’s face. Without turning back to Suzie, he asked, “Did Nate tell you how Yasmina died?”
“He said she choked on a piece of apple.”
There was a long silence, and Suzie thought Harrison wasn’t going to say anything more. He stayed facing away from her, staring at the photo, the pen forgotten by his side.
Then, in a calm voice, he said, “It was my fault.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before he went on. “I’d cut up an apple for her to bring to the park, and I let her grab slices while she was running around.” He took another breath. “I was supposed to be watching her, but instead I was talking on my phone. I didn’t see her fall over, just happened to look up when she was on the ground. By the time I reached her she was already blue, and instead of squeezing her around the chest, I stuck my finger down her throat. Only managed to push the apple in there more securely.”
“But that doesn’t mean it’s your—“
“Save your breath.” He looked around to give her an apologetic smile and his eyes were glistening. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, but I’ve heard it a thousand times. Nate keeps telling me I have to put it behind me. But he’s always been stronger than I am.”
“No apologies, no regrets,” she said softly.
Harrison’s lips twitched. “His motto. A typical Nate, all-or-nothing ultimatum. Dreamed up for my benefit, no doubt, to try to snap me out of what I’m sure he told you was a long period of self-destruction. But how could I ever stop feeling guilty for all the things I did wrong that day?”
She wanted to tell him he couldn’t keep beating himself up for it either, but the words would be meaningless. If after all these years he hadn’t been able to find a way to forgive himself, nothing she could say would make the slightest difference. Nate’s motto might sound harsh, but she could understand it. Just from looking at Harrison, it was clear how badly his guilt had eroded him.
“Do you know Nate’s decided he doesn’t want to have kids?” she asked.
“He has?” Harrison stuck the pen in his pocket and wiped his eyes. “I get so wrapped up in my own pain, I forget how hard Yasmina’s death was on him. He doted on her. And when she died, he was destroyed too. He was just better at hiding it than I was.”
“It’s not the fact he doesn’t want children that worries me. It’s his need to shut himself off from pain.” She took a breath, wondering if she should be saying all this to Nate’s brother. But if she didn’t say it to someone she was going to go crazy. “He told me he’s never had a serious girlfriend. Apparently relationships aren’t worth it without some kind of cast iron guarantee that it’ll turn out okay. If he’s that afraid of getting hurt, what chance is there that he’ll really open up? Won’t there always be a part of himself that he holds back?” She sighed. “The other stuff — the certainty that he’s right, the way he’s so single-minded about what he wants — that stuff I can live with. But I can’t be with a man who won’t let himself be vulnerable.”
“I guess we both have our scars.” Harrison sounded thoughtful. “I didn’t know how deep his ran, but I should have been looking more closely.”
“You’ve both had a rough time.”
“And that’s exactly why he deserves some happiness.” Harrison’s mouth twisted. “If the freakin’ idiot can stop sabotaging it, maybe he’ll work that out.”
“There are just too many reasons why we shouldn’t be together.” Suzie sighed. “If it was just the fact that I feel like a failure, maybe I could sort myself out and we’d have a chance. But Nate has his baggage too.”
He gave a low, humorless laugh. “At least you’re less of a screw-up than I am.”
“Harrison, I don’t think you’re—“
He waved her objection away. “We can be pretty hard on ourselves, can’t we? So maybe you should let up a little and ask yourself whether you’re as much of a failure as you think. Because when I look at you, I don’t see a failure at all. In fact, what I’m thinking right now is how bright you are, how easy you are to talk to, and how Nate would have to be a complete moron to let you go.”
Suzie’s face heated and she couldn’t help but smile. “I think charm must run in your family.”
Harrison went back to his chair and sat down. “If you can get past the fact that Nate’s obviously an idiot when it comes to relationships, and with everything else he’s too smart for his own good, you should give him a chance. He worked his ass off to do everything he could to help me. I think he hated the fact he couldn’t take me apart and repair me like a computer. Nate can’t stand feeling helpless.”
“I noticed.” She rolled her eyes. “He has to be the best at everything.”
“He can’t help it, that’s the way he was made. Besides, you can’t exactly criticize him for being naturally smart and talented.” He grinned. “At least, not until you get in line behind me.”
“It sounds like a crazy reason not to be with someone, I know. But I can’t help how I feel.�
�� She gave him an appreciative smile. “And you’re the one person I knew would understand.”
“I get it, for sure. But I’ve got to tell you, underneath it all, he’s a pretty great guy. And I’m not just saying that because he’s my brother. Since the day Yasmina died, Nate’s paid all my bills and never said a word about it. He wanted to buy me a house, too, but I was set on staying here.” Harrison rubbed one hand over his grey hair, making it stick up like a mad professor’s. “Plus he called me every single day for years, which is pretty much the reason I didn’t do anything crazy. I was messed up for a long time. Nate got me through it.”
She reached over and covered his hand with hers. “I’m glad he did. And thank you for talking to me. It’s helped.”
He shrugged, looking embarrassed. “Actually, it feels good to talk. I’ve kept it all bottled up for too long.”
Suzie glanced at her watch. “I’m sorry this has to be a quick visit, but I’d better go.”
“Come back anytime.”
“I will.” She stood up. “I wouldn’t rush off, but I’ve left my dog in the car. Not to mention that I’m catering a wedding tomorrow, and I still have to buy the ingredients for the dishes I’m going to make.”
As he walked her to the door, he said, “Your wedding’s tomorrow? Isn’t that leaving the shopping a little late?”
“Yeah, because I had a disaster in the kitchen.” She grimaced. “I messed up again.”
“At least this way you know the food’s going to be fresh.”
She hugged him goodbye and promised to visit again soon. But as she drove away, she wasn’t thinking about him, but about the last thing he’d said. Had the calamari she’d cooked for Marianna been fresh? She’d bought it at the fish shop, but it had been packed in plastic, so who knew how long it had been sitting around? On the yacht, she’d reeled in the squid just hours before they’d eaten it.
If she could find some squid that had just been caught, maybe it would turn out as tender and tasty as it had been on the yacht.
Suzie drove slowly, thinking hard. She could spend the rest of the day scouring LA for fresh squid, or she could buy more butter and flour and make the pastry for the mini quiches. Her budget for the wedding would either cover the ingredients for Marianna’s recipes, or her own. Not both.
Buying more squid and trusting it to come out okay was risky. If she made the mini quiches, she knew what the outcome would be. If she took a chance on the squid, who knew what might happen? It could be a disaster and get her fired. Or it might be good enough for Marianna to start taking her ideas into account for the next menu. She could start making a name for herself and gathering recommendations for when she started her own business.
Whether she got an Ace or a Joker, at least she’d be drawing a card.
Nate had turned down fifty-five million dollars so he could back himself instead. Was this how he felt when he put it all on the line?
Screw it.
Heart pounding like mad, she pressed down the accelerator. Forget the flour. She’d try the docks and warehouses first. If they didn’t have any squid, she’d damn well go out and catch some herself.
21
Nate sat at his breakfast bar with an untouched plate of cereal in front of him. His laptop was sitting open next to his breakfast, but instead of preparing for the meeting he was due at in less than an hour, he kept staring out the window at all the cars and pedestrians bustling below.
They looked tiny. So many people, so far away. But up here in his state-of-the-art penthouse apartment, he couldn’t hear a thing. In here was the kind of silence that seeped under his skin and into his bones. Last night it had been so bad that even putting on music or switching on a movie couldn’t keep it at bay. His temperature-controlled apartment had felt both icy cold, and achingly lonely.
Without her.
He could get on the phone and fill his apartment with friends, but talking to them would be an effort. Besides, he’d compare every conversation to the back and forth he’d shared with Suzie, missing her quick, cutting wit and the way she’d challenged him.
Why did it feel like only the sound of her laughter could fill this empty room?
He’d messed up big time letting her get under his guard. He had to be some kind of masochist allowing himself to get pummeled. If he hadn’t wanted to get knocked down, he shouldn’t have stepped in the ring. Only it was too late now. He was down for the count, and after yesterday’s phone call, he couldn’t kid himself he and Suzie could have some kind of long distance relationship, or that he could wean himself off her slowly. No, he’d have to go cold turkey and deal with the heartbreak.
If only the silence wasn’t driving him crazy.
Nate made an impatient sound, then picked up his cellphone and called Harrison. He got up and paced restlessly up and down his living room while it rang, the familiar tightness squeezing his stomach. It didn’t loosen off until his brother answered.
“Nate?”
“Hey, how are you?”
“I’m good, actually. A lot better.” Harrison laughed. “But I hear you’ve been a fool.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Suzie came to visit. It was great to see her and she’s gorgeous now, isn’t she? I like her hair dyed red. It suits her.”
Nate’s heart flipped over. “When did you see her?”
“Yesterday. She explained some things I hadn’t realized before. Now of course, it’s obvious. But I’ve been a little wrapped up in myself these last few years, and I didn’t see it.”
“See what?” Nate raked his hair with his free hand, resisting the urge to yell at his brother. What the hell was he talking about? Why couldn’t he just tell him what Suzie had said?
Harrison’s voice softened. “She told me you’ve decided never to have kids and that you’ve been doing a damn good job pushing her away.” He snorted. “Just because you’re a genius, doesn’t mean you can’t be a freakin’ idiot sometimes. I’m pretty sure she agrees with me on that.”
“You of all people should be able to understand why I don’t want to have kids. When Yasmina…” He trailed off, took a breath, and started again. “Just because I don’t want to go through anything like that again, doesn’t mean—”
“Listen to me, Nate.” His brother sounded more assertive than Nate had heard for years. In spite of the fact he’d sparked Harrison’s exasperation, he was glad to hear the strength in his voice. “I might have messed my life up, but if you let Suzie go, you’ll be screwing up worse than I did. Losing Yasmina was a horrible accident, and I was so out of my mind afterwards I drove Nancy away. I’ve regretted it every day since she left. But if you let Suzie go because you’re scared of getting hurt? Then you’re a dumbass. And a coward.”
“It was her choice to end things between us, not mine.”
“Do you blame her?” Harrison sighed. “Even after everything that’s happened, I’m still grateful to have had the time I did with my family. I know I’ve been a mess since Yasmina died, but I wouldn’t trade one second of what I had. And I’d do it all over again, even knowing we’d only have those few precious years together. Because all the pain I went through was worth it. Those were the best years of my life.”
Nate stared out of the window, at all the people going about their business. He found himself focusing on a woman with red hair and made himself look away. “Thanks for the pep talk, but it’s not necessary. I’m in love with Suzie whether I want to be or not. There’s nothing I can do about it because she’s got some crazy idea that either I’m too successful, or she’s not successful enough.”
“Then you have to tell her how wonderful she is until she believes it.”
“That simple, huh?” Nate shook his head. “But I’ve committed to a new business and I’m going to be tied up with it twenty-four-seven for the next few years.”
“Well, it’s up to you. But if you decide you want her, you can’t hold back. She deserves better than that.”
&nbs
p; Harrison was right. Suzie deserved the best of everything. And if there were a way to make things work, she’d be entitled to the best of him. No ifs, buts, or conditions.
Could he do that?
He wasn’t a coward. But he wasn’t a masochist either. And his new business was important. He and Tristan were on the verge of something big and right now he didn’t need any distractions.
His jaw tightened. “I’ll think about it.” He checked his watch. “Anyway, I’m due at a meeting.”
“Yeah, I’ve got to go too,” Harrison said. He sounded more cheerful than Nate had heard for years. “Last night I finally started that novel I always wanted to write. I’ve almost finished the first chapter and I want to get back to it. So I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
He hung up without waiting for Nate to say goodbye, but that was a good thing because Nate’s mouth just opened and closed with no words coming out.
His hand must have opened because his phone dropped onto the coffee table with a clatter. Harrison was working on his book? Hell yeah! Nate punched the air. Had Suzie done this somehow? If she had, he was going to kiss her until she was dizzy, then take her out to his favorite…
He broke off the thought, Harrison’s words echoing in his mind. If he wanted to be with Suzie, then he had to commit to her a hundred percent. It would be a yes or no decision, either all in, or all out. Either he’d arrange things so they’d be together in the same city – no, in the same house – or he’d never call her or see her again.
And maybe the choice would end up being between Suzie and his new business.
The business he’d worked his ass off for three years to make happen. The one he was about to give up fifty-five million dollars for.
So what was it going to be? Was he in or out?
22
Nate sat in the boardroom at the car manufacturer’s head office. Tristan and he were on one side of the table, the car executives on the other. Tristan had already called Kevin Richardson, the CEO, to tell him they were turning down the deal, but Kevin had insisted on going ahead with the scheduled meeting anyway. He was probably hoping to change their minds.