by Syms, Carly
Doan looks down at his hands. "It sounds really stupid when you say it like that."
I shrug. "Yeah. Kind of. Because acting like a moron and putting other people at risk isn't smart," I say, and he glances up at me with a small hint of the familiar smile I'm so used to seeing. "But that doesn't mean it doesn't make sense, either."
He furrows his brow. "It doesn't, though."
"Yeah, it does. You said it yourself. You think you should've died instead of your brother. So with the car racing and the smoking and the drinking and all that, you're just being more reckless because you think it should've been you. That isn't gonna help you, though, you know that, right?"
"You sound like my mom," he tells me.
"Smart lady," I say with a smile.
"Yeah."
"Doan, it isn't going to be good for anyone if you get hurt," I tell him. "You've gotta stop doing that stuff."
"Why do you get me like this?" he blurts out. "No one does but you."
I shrug. "Don't know, really. But I could say the same thing about you. You were the one who forced me back into a relationship with my dad, and that's been one of the best things to happen since I moved back here."
"I'm sorry I left you last night," he says then. "It was dumb. I shouldn't have. It's just that I haven't let anyone in since James died, not the way I did with you. I always promised myself I wouldn't do that."
"Well," I say. "If there's one thing I've learned it's that you're pretty good at breaking your promises."
He looks up at me sharply and I offer him a small smile.
"It was just a joke," I say quietly.
"It isn't funny. I don't want to be like that."
"Then change."
"It isn't that easy."
"Why not?"
He doesn't say anything for a few seconds. "Are we over?" he asks me.
"Doan, I don't even know what we are," I say.
"I don't want us to be done," he tells me with such certainty that I have no choice but to believe him.
"You hurt me last night," I say. "That sucked. I was so excited to get up on that stage and know you were there and finally do this thing I've always wanted to do. And you let me down."
"I know," he says. "And I'm -- "
"You told me," I cut in. "You're sorry. And you explained yourself. With a better excuse than I thought you'd have, by the way. But dammit, how do I know this won't happen again?"
"You don't. There are no guarantees," he says. "And maybe there aren't any promises, either. But we have faith and we can have trust."
"Trust in what?"
"What we have. I've never opened myself up to someone the way I have with you. I know I should've told you about James, but I don't talk about him. I've never talked about him more than I have right now," he says. "People out here just knew what happened because they were around when he died. It was never from me."
I think about what he's saying, and I know it's true. I know that from the moment I blurted out to him at the pizza parlor that I might not go to college and the way he understood when I told him about my family that there was something special about Doan Riley and me.
And I'm pretty sure that hasn't gone anywhere.
"I can't promise you that we'll always have this, and I won't. But right now, there's nothing I want more than to be with you. And I can't see that changing."
I fold my hands in front of my lips and stare at him.
With one quick movement, I'm in his arms, and he's wrapping himself around me, his hands stroking my hair and I press my lips against his, and he kisses me back, and I know everything he said is true.
I try to disguise the pounding of my heart against my chest, but it's no use. I can't resist this, can't resist him.
And I haven't been able to since the day I met him.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Six weeks later, I'm finally sitting on the bar stool at Gemma's, the red and blue spotlights shining down on me.
The cast is off my wrist, and it's healed enough so that it doesn't hurt to hold my guitar.
It rests on my lap, song notebook open on the music stand in front of me. I'm wearing the ASU shirt Dad bought me after I told him I'd be enrolling at the school in the fall.
Natalie and Justin and Shane and Dad and Tanya are all in the audience.
So is Doan.
Everyone I want to see me play for the first time, with the exception of my mom and the count, is here.
And I can't imagine anything more perfect.
The lights dim, and that's my cue to start.
I strum the first chord, then the second and the third, and before I know it, I'm hardly thinking about what I'm doing at all as I start to sing:
"I thought you left me to fall
But maybe I know nothing at all
Baby you've got me where you want me
And I'm not going anywhere
I won't make you a promise
Nothing is guaranteed
But if you can trust in us
Maybe you'll see
There's no way to know
If you don't put it out there
Show me you're the one who cares
And let me steal us a new home."
The rest of the words tumble out of me like I'm on autopilot and I don't even realize I've finished singing my latest song until cheers and claps and whistles startle me from my daze.
When I look up, Doan's on his feet and I'm pretty sure he's blushing.
Which he should be, since he's obviously the inspiration here.
And as I belt out the next few songs, then get off the stage and run over to him, it's obvious to me now that sometimes the best things happen when we don't think they can.
This move to Arizona felt like the worst thing in the world to me at first.
But I've found a father, a stepmother and a brother, a new friend, and maybe even someone I can see myself with for longer than just a little while.
Everything is new to me here, but it all feels familiar anyway, because I know it's right.
I belong in a place I never thought I could, with a guy I never thought I'd find, and I got back the family I'd left once before.
I'm finally exactly where I want to be.
And I have to say, it feels pretty good.