by Connie Mason
“Damn you, Cora Lee! I killed them. They’re all dead.”
Sarah rushed into Chad’s room without considering the right or wrong of it. In all the times Chad had slept within her hearing, she’d never heard him cry out or thrash so. Had returning to Dry Gulch done that to him?
The room was dark except for a slash of moonlight that fell across the bed. She gasped in dismay when she noted the mess surrounding Chad. The bedding was twisted about him, and he continued to mumble and thrash in his sleep. Gingerly Sarah approached the bed. She could make out his words clearly now. “No! I can’t stay, Pierce. Don’t try to talk me out of leaving. It’s my fault, all my fault!”
His anguished words tore at Sarah’s heart. She was too compassionate to allow his nightmare to continue. She grasped his shoulders and shook him. “Chad, wake up. You’re dreaming.”
Still deeply immersed in his nightmare, Chad shook himself free. Undaunted, Sarah grasped his shoulders and shook him harder. Suddenly Chad growled deep in his throat, grabbed her in a bear hug, and pulled her down onto the bed, rolling on top of her.
“Chad! What are you doing?”
Chad had emerged from sleep slowly, saw something bending over him in a threatening manner, and reacted mechanically. He’d trained himself to respond instantly to danger and ask questions later. Before Sarah realized what was happening, Chad had pulled her beneath him on the bed, reached under his pillow for his gun, and pressed it against her temple. Sarah went still beneath him, wondering if she’d live to see the light of day.
“Chad, it’s Sarah. Please don’t hurt me.”
“Sarah?” The gun came away from her head and he heard Sarah heave an enormous sigh. “What in blazes are you doing in my bed? Not that I’m complaining.”
“You were having a nightmare. I tried to wake you.”
“Sorry,” Chad muttered. He shifted his weight but didn’t let her up. “This is the first nightmare I’ve had in a long time. I reckon coming back to Dry Gulch set it off.”
She heard the note of pain in his voice—and something else. The sharp edge of rising desire.
“Let me up, Chad.”
“Why? You came to me, I didn’t come to you.”
“Tell me about your nightmare. Maybe I can help,” Sarah said, trying to diffuse the volatile situation. Chad was much too close for her peace of mind.
“There’s only one way you can help me. Is that what you’re offering, Sarah?”
Sarah refused to be baited. “I’d rather hear about your dream. It must have been disturbing.”
“Forget the nightmare. It’s always the same. People dying while I’m standing over them with a smoking gun.”
“What else?”
“I’d rather not talk about it.” He kissed the corners of her lips. “You can help me by letting me love you. Only you can banish my demons.”
Sarah gnawed at the tender inside of her lip as she considered his words. “You want to love me for all the wrong reasons. I can understand your mistrust of women, but you should know by now that I’m different”
“I do know you’re different, Sarah. I reckon I’ve always known it. And I do care for you and Abner.
Her voice trembled. “What are you trying to tell me?”
“I reckon I’m saying that if I could shed this guilt and lose my demons, you’re the woman with whom I’d want to share my life. Unfortunately miracles don’t happen overnight The blame and the burden are mine alone to bear. It isn’t fair to share them with anyone.”
A bold slash of moonlight fell across his face, revealing his anguish. “Isn’t wanting you and caring for you enough right now? I’d like to offer more, but I can’t.”
She gasped as he lowered his head and caressed her lips with his tongue, outlining the contours before covering them completely. The caress changed from teasing to intense as he deepened the kiss, thrusting boldly with his tongue. The blood hammered through her veins as he stroked her breasts, her stomach, her thighs, igniting a desperate wanting inside her.
“Raise up,” Chad whispered against her lips. “I want to remove your shift.”
“I didn’t come to your room for this.”
“Why did you come?”
“I heard you cry out and wanted to help.”
“You can help me by letting me love you. Give me respite from these clawing demons that plague me.”
“You don’t need my help to banish your demons,” Sarah told him. “Guilt is a terrible burden. You have no reason to blame yourself for what happened. Your intentions were good. You married Cora Lee to help your brother. What happened after that couldn’t be helped. You were innocent of those deaths.”
“I never considered myself an innocent, but I lost any claim to innocence I might have retained the day I found Cora Lee rutting in bed with her brother. The deaths that followed could have been prevented if I hadn’t killed Hal Doolittle. Don’t try to make excuses for what I did, Sarah. Those deaths altered my perception of life and human nature. Cynicism, pleasure, lust, those are emotions I can understand.”
“Don’t forget compassion, Chad. Like it or not, you do have more than your share of compassion. You proved it when you married Cora Lee to save your brother, and when you wouldn’t abandon me and Abner when we needed you.”
“No one but you would consider me compassionate, Sarah. Not even my brothers, and they know me best. Somehow you and Abner bring out a side of me no one else sees, so don’t give me more credit man I deserve, sweetheart. I know exactly what I am. I’m emotionally unable to provide the things a woman wants from a man. But that doesn’t mean I’m not capable of giving pleasure.”
Sarah refused to believe Chad was as uncaring as he claimed. Those comments about himself came from a disillusioned man, not an emotional cripple. He might think he lacked sympathy and the ability to love, but a man who displayed Chad’s abundant compassion lacked none of those qualities. It was up to her to prove that he was worthy of being loved. Taming a renegade was going to be a formidable task; she prayed she was up to it.
“Chad, just tell me one thing. Do you truly think I’d be here with you now if I didn’t care for you?”
Chad was silent a long time. Finally he said, “I believe you think you care for me. You haven’t had much experience with men. You’ll get over it.”
“What if you’re mistaken? What if I really do care for you, and you really do have the ability to love?”
“What if pigs could fly? Sarah, don’t agonize over me like this. I’m hot worth it. Maybe it would be best if you went back to your room. If you stay, I’ll take advantage of you.”
“Kiss me, Chad.”
“Didn’t you hear what I just said?”
“I heard, but I don’t believe you.”
Chad’s face hardened. “You’re a fool, Sarah. A sweet, trusting fool. I’m leaving as soon as my brothers arrive home. Do you still want me to kiss you?”
Sarah closed her eyes and offered up a quick prayer. She was staking her future on making Chad love her, on proving to him that he was capable of feeling strong emotions, emotions that had nothing to do with lust or pleasure. And finally she prayed for courage to persevere, for without Chad she had no future.
“I want to chase away your demons, Chad. Kiss me. Let’s both forget the past and concentrate on pleasure. You do give me pleasure, Chad, the kind I never knew existed. If not for you, I’d have gone on forever believing lovemaking was vile and disgusting.”
“I don’t deserve you, sweetheart. I can promise you little beyond pleasure, but as God is my witness, you’ll have that in abundance until the day I leave.”
With a minimum of effort, Chad rid Sarah of her shift. Then he pulled her into his embrace. He groaned his approval as she swept tiny nipping kisses over his chest, his shoulders, his chin, and teasingly lower. Fire spread across his stomach as her lips continued their downward path. She made him forget to breathe. And her mouth… dear God, her mouth! She kept edging down lower, lower still
, until her lips closed over his swollen sex. When he whispered encouragement, she kissed along the length of him. She was awkward at first, but her innocent enthusiasm more than made up for it. Chad closed his eyes and allowed her to consume him.
It was agony. He was going to die.
It was heaven. He was going to die.
Either way, it was a death he welcomed. Only when he knew he was about to spill his seed did he stop her.
“Enough!” He was panting as if he’d run a great distance as he gently pulled away from her.
“You taste…” She flushed and lowered her voice. “It’s not at all what I expected.”
“You didn’t have to do that, sweetheart.”
“I wanted to taste you. With any other man, that same act would have been repugnant. Didn’t you like it?”
“I’d have to be dead not to like it. Now it’s my turn to give you pleasure.”
He knelt over her, cupped her buttocks in his hands, and roughly lifted her against his open mouth. The heady scent of woman and sweet musk filled his senses as he stroked her with his tongue, in, then out, again and again, until she was whimpering for blessed release. His expression turned almost feral as he raised up, spread her thighs, and thrust into her with one forceful surge.
Her body was ready for him. She was hot, wet, and her sweet moans told him she was as wild with need as he was. He filled her completely, withdrew, and filled her again… and again.
“Now, sweetheart,” Chad gasped hoarsely. “Come to me now!”
“Chad! I feel… Oh, God, I feel as if I’m losing my soul!”
Chad felt her tense, felt her muscles spasm, and lost what little control he still retained. With a hoarse shout, he spilled himself inside her. Even after his breathing had slowed and his heart had quit pounding, he didn’t move. He didn’t want to leave her, didn’t want to quit holding her.
He was content for the first time in years. Yet even as the thought occurred to him, he rebelled against it. He was in lust with Sarah, he’d known that from the very beginning. His heart wasn’t prepared to accept another explanation. How could he feel anything when he still carried around a heart full of guilt?
Sighing heavily, Chad lifted himself off Sarah and settled down beside her. She was already half-asleep when he pulled her into his arms and curved his body around hers. Sleep came swiftly after that.
Chad awakened hours later. He smiled to himself when he felt Sarah’s warm body pressed against him. Then his smile faded into a puzzled frown. The body was far too small to be Sarah’s. He opened his eyes, more than a little startled to see Abner nestled between him and Sarah.
“I was lonesome again,” Abner said sleepily. “I wish I could sleep between you and Mama every night.”
Chapter 12
Sarah awakened slowly, stunned to find Abner in bed with her and Chad. Thank God the child was too young and innocent to suspect what they’d been doing. But if it happened too often, Abner would certainly question it; he was an astute lad, wise beyond his years. She was more than a little unsettled when Abner asked, “Mama, why do I have to wear nightclothes when you and Chad don’t wear any?”
Even Chad appeared dismayed by that question. She couldn’t remember the answer she’d given but it must have satisfied Abner, for a moment later he bounded out of bed and announced that he was going downstairs to ask Cookie to please make hot-cakes for breakfast.
“This can’t go on,” Sarah said, once Abner was gone.
“I’m sorry, Sarah. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“It’s not fair to Abner. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking, and I’m afraid to ask. I should have woken earlier and gone to my own room.”
“It’s my fault,” Chad contended. “I like waking up with you in my arms.”
Sarah reached for her shift and pulled it over her head and down her hips. By the time she climbed out of bed, she had reached a decision. “I can’t be your whore, Chad. I don’t want your family to think badly of me. This lust we have for one another is getting out of hand.” Lust didn’t really describe what she felt for Chad, but Chad didn’t want to hear the truth.
Chad got out of bed and pulled on his pants. “I reckon I’ll be sleeping out in the bunkhouse from now on,” he said. “I can’t trust myself to sleep in me same house with you and not touch you.”
Sarah nodded jerkily, then turned to leave.
“Wait!” She paused, her hand on the doorknob. “There’s one more thing I want to say.” She waited expectantly. He appeared to be having difficulty choosing his words. “Marrying you would be one solution, but it wouldn’t be right to burden you with my problems. I’m doing you a favor by walking out of your life.”
Sarah closed her eyes against the burgeoning pain his words inspired, then opened them quickly. It wouldn’t do for Chad to see how very much she wanted them to be together forever. “Don’t do me any favors. I’ve never asked you for a commitment, Chad. Everyone has to do what their heart tells them.”
Chad’s eyes gleamed with purpose as he gripped her shoulders with his large hands. “What about your heart, Sarah? What does it tell you?”
Sarah was silent so long it appeared as it she meant to ignore his question. At length, she said, “What my heart wants doesn’t matter. It’s never mattered before, why should it now? Giving Abner a good life is what’s important to me.”
“There isn’t a selfish bone in your body or a mean thought in your head,” Chad said. “I’ve never known a woman like you. Sometimes I can’t bear the thought of leaving. Then, at other times, when my demons possess me, I feel the best thing I can do for you and Abner is to walk away and not look back.”
His hands tightened on her shoulders and he bent his head until their foreheads touched. “Someday you’ll thank me for not messing up your life like I’ve done mine.” His arms fell away. “You’d best get dressed and see to Abner.”
Sarah backed away toward the door. Then she turned and fled. Chad had returned to Dry Gulch against his wishes, and now he was forced to wait for his brothers to return before he could leave, and guilt rode her. Chad didn’t need her and Abner to complicate his life.
Sarah saw little of Chad during the following days. He had fallen into a familiar routine, helping the hands with their chores and making decisions on behalf of his absent brothers. It was as if he had never left and Sarah knew this was where he truly belonged. Chad was in his element here, working the land he loved. Sarah never tired of watching him doing odd jobs around the barn or corral Whether he was breaking horses or plying a hammer, Chad excelled at everything he did.
With Abner as his shadow, Chad displayed exemplary patience with the boy, which never ceased to amaze Sarah. She had no idea what they talked about, but Abner chatted endlessly, and she knew that would have driven most men crazy. Abner was going to miss him, Sarah reflected, and so would she.
One day a visitor arrived at the ranch. It was Otto Zigler, a neighbor who had leased the Doolittle ranch for his sons. He asked to see Pierce. Sarah explained that Pierce wasn’t here, invited him into the house, men sent Abner for Chad, who was in the barn and hadn’t seen Zigler ride up. A few minutes later Chad greeted Zigler with a hearty handshake.
“What brings you to the Delaney ranch, Otto?” Chad asked.
“I didn’t know you were home, Chad, or I would have asked for you instead of Pierce. The Rocking D is your property, after all,” Otto explained.
Chad’s face turned to stone. He didn’t want to talk about anything that reminded him of the Doolittles or what happened on the ranch two years ago. “What about it? I gave Pierce authority to sell the Doolittle property before I left.”
“Pierce leased the property to me and my sons. My two boys worked the ranch and made it a profitable enterprise. Then Herman got married and moved to Douglas so he could help his wife’s papa with his spread. Now Karl wants to go to California and I can’t work two spreads by myself. You won’t have any trouble finding someone else t
o lease the property. Maybe you’d prefer to sell it outright. It’s a good piece of land. The boys hired six hands. They’re still on the place. If you want to keep them, you’d best get out there and talk to them.”
Chad stared mutely at Zigler. Where in the hell were his brothers when he needed them? Returning to the Doolittle ranch now would surely stir up a hornet’s nest of problems. Problems he’d been trying to forget. He doubted his emotions could survive intact if he returned to the place where four senseless deaths had occurred.
“Well, I’d best be going,” Zigler said, rising from his chair. “Here are the keys to the house.” He handed Chad a set of keys he retrieved from his jacket pocket, then clapped his hat on his head. “If I were you, I’d get out to the Rocking D as soon as possible. The hands won’t be sticking around long. My boys sold off their cows, but the Delaney herd is large enough to run half of them on Rocking D land.”
Chad accepted the keys, staring at them as if he expected them to bite him. Sarah showed Zigler out the door then returned to Chad’s side. He was still staring at the keys.
“What are you going to do?”
“I never wanted to set eyes on that place again.” His voice sounded like a hollow parody of itself; his eyes were bleak with despair. “If I hadn’t returned to Dry Gulch, either Ryan or Pierce would have taken care of this for me.”
Sarah’s heart went out to him. “Perhaps returning to the Rocking D is the best thing that could happen to you.”
“How can you say that?” he asked with disbelief.
“The only way you can lay your ghosts to rest is to revisit the past,” Sarah continued, undaunted. “Go to the Rocking D in a spirit of reconciliation. It’s the only way to let go of the guilt riding you.”
“What makes you an expert?” Chad asked harshly.
“I’ve been there,” she reminded him. “I suffered the same kind of guilt you’re feeling. For a long time I thought I was responsible for what Freddie Jackson did to me. I felt that he must have seen something in me I wasn’t aware of myself, and that I deserved my fate. In time I came to realize it wasn’t my fault. I guess having Abner made me realize I had to lose my guilt and live for my child. Having to work to support Abner left me little time for self-pity.”