by Joe Zito
August 13th 1980
Margret let me fix her hair again. I think she really likes me cutting it and styling it for her. Actually, there are a few ladies that allow me to cut their hair. I love doing it for them. Makes me feel good inside………………no, dear diary, I don’t want to talk about what happened the other night.
August 15th 1980
Hot dogs again? That’s the second time they’ve given us hot dogs this week dinner. Oh, well. I guess it’s better than starving.
August 18th 1980
My best friends mom came to visit today. I really like it when she visits me, although I can’t remember anything we talked about once she’s gone…….i said no deary diary, I don’t want to talk about it.
August 21st 1980
I haven’t seen Jess since, well, you know. Well, I guess you really don’t know what happened that night because I haven’t told you anything, other than how terrified I was after it happened………….you’re making this really hard dear diary. I want to tell you, but I’m afraid I’ll scare you too like I did Jess.
August 23rd 1980
Stupid rain. We couldn’t go out in the yard because it’s been raining all day………ok, fine, dear diary, I’ll tell you what happened but you have to promise me you won’t think any different of me, ok? That night, Jess and I wanted to do something different with each other. We’ve been together sexually for three years now. It was something that I suggested. At first she didn’t want to do it and I was worried that she would stop coming to see me, but she showed up that night with a smile on her face that told me she came around and really wanted to make me happy. Your probably wondering what I’m talking about dear diary aren’t you. Well, let me start by telling you that females have these things called periods every month. We bleed. Oh, my goodness dear diary, not like that, but from our feminine areas. You know, that thing I let you touch when we go into the bathroom to play, my vagina dear diary. I wanted to taste Jessica and I wanted her to taste me when we were both having our periods. And we did dear diary. It really was a beautiful moment for us, although we gagged at first and then started laughing. I put my face to her bloodiness first. It was a different scent than what I am use to with her, even though I could still smell her pee and soap from her shower. I decided to bury my face in her because it was something that I wanted and oh dear diary, it was wonderful, almost magical. All of her tastes and scents colliding into my face and mouth; her blood, her feminine wetness from being aroused, even a little bit of pee. And then she did the same to me and then we were together as one. I wrapped my arms around her ass and pulled her closer to my face. It was so sexually intense and wonderful that I started crying. And she did too. Now our tears were mixed in with our sex and spit and blood dear diary and I melted completely. I could feel the mixture running down my neck, streaking along. Our session lasted almost thirty minutes. I didn’t want it to end but I was so exhausted from sucking in all that she had to offer me. And there was a lot dear diary. My face was soaked in it and I could smell her all over me. When we were finished we sat up close to one another and held each other for the longest time it seemed like. We kissed and the bloody wetness slipped all over our tongues. When it was all done I turned on my lamp and Jess covered her mouth, gasping at what she saw. She was half laughing when she told me to go look at myself in the mirror. I knew we were a mess dear diary. I planned for that and wasn’t really bothered by it until I flipped on my bathroom light and saw…………………….
August 23rd 1980
Why did you make me tell you dear diary! WHY, WHY, WHY! It’s so hot, the morning sun is burning my face where is Heather it is so goddamn hot why is the cop asking me stupid questions I wish he wouldn’t ask me so many stupid questions it is fucking hot the nice man is holding me on the side of the road telling me its going to be ok but its not ok mr. nice man because everyone is dead and I bathed in her blo…………………………………………………
August 24th 1980
What is happening to me dear diary? Why did I write all that nonsense? It’s really scaring me dear diary.
September 26th 1980
I’ve been crying for most of the day dear diary and listening to Led Zeppelin. Do you want to know why? Their drummer passed away last night and I am so sad.
October 20th 1980
No! It can’t be true dear diary. They’re not going to continue. They’re breaking up for good. My favorite band of all time…….they’re going away forever……….Heather, I need you.
October 27th 1980
Dear diary would you be mad at me if we didn’t talk for a while. I know you’re my best friend and you’ve been there for me for the past four years, but I really don’t have much to say lately. I tried touching myself earlier and I couldn’t get into it. I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m starting to remember some scary things but I’m not sure if they happened are not. I still don’t know why I’m here.
December 10th 1980
I need to talk to Susan……soon.
December 12th 1980
Tonight I told Susan what I saw in the garage six years ago.
December 13th 1980
It wasn’t me.
December 14th 1980
I didn’t kill my best friend. Her name was Heather Smith.
December 15th 1980
That thing killed my best friend.
December 16th 1980
It wasn’t me.
December 17th 1980
My name is Angelica Larson and I saw my best friend and two other people get murdered in 1974 by something I can’t explain. I don’t know what it was. I never believed in monsters but that night I do believe I saw something evil. Heather’s mom Susan has been visiting me since 1976 and I don’t know why. I’m almost certain that she along with everyone else believes I am the one, who murdered her daughter, but I didn’t and I know I didn’t because I was there that night and I know the truth……………………I know the truth about everything. Would you like to know the truth my beloved dear diary? I know that I wake up crying every morning because I’m stuck in this place and am never going to get out, I know that touching myself takes away the pain and the reality of my life, I know I know I know, I know lots of things dear diary, I know that I am never going to see Heather again, I know that I should be taking care of Amy right now instead sitting around with a bunch of crazy fucks sitting in a circle hitting themselves in the head talking about nothing I hate it here I want out I can’t take it anymore I want out now it wasn’t me, did it happen, did it really happen dear diary, did I really see my best friend being drug by her feet out of the garage that night, did I hear her screaming in agony out in the corn, did it happen, where is Jessica, I need Jessica, I need to taste Jessica, there is no Jessica dear diary, have I lost my mind like all the other crazies, I see Heather every time I’m with Jessica but there is no Jessica, she’s only in my mind just to take my mind away I know I know I know, I know I’m going crazy because it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me red brown detective monroe dr stone susan mom dad sam mark amy dear diary god satan IT WASN’T MEEEEEEEEEEE!
December 17th 1980
WHY WOULD I KILL MY BEST FRIEND DEAR DIARY WHY WHY WHY I LOVED HER SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND DO YOU SEE THE TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE DEAR DIARY DO YOU WE TOUCHED EACH OTHER WHEN WE WERE THIRTEEN AND I WAS GOING TO LET HER HAVE ME WHEN I WAS BLEEDING THAT NIGHT WITH MY LEGS SPREAD AND RON LOOKING HURT BECAUSE IM A WHORE BUT INSTEAD DEAR DIARY I LET JESSICA DO THINGS TO ME BUT SHES JUST A GHOST IN MY MIND THERE IS NO JESSICA I FORGOT THE SUGAR CREAM PIE FUCK ME TILL IM HIGH WHERES AMY I NEED TO FIND AMY AND TELL HER THE TRUTH TOO IT WASN’T ME I KNOW WHY IM HERE I KNOW EVERYTHING
December 18th 1980
Itwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeItwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tm
eitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeItwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeItwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tmeitwasn’tme
December 19th 1980
It’s out there dear diary, I know it’s out there waiting for me, it knew my name, those eyes, those terrible red eyes!
December 20th 1980
Stickaknifeinmebloodsexqueenimcrazyangelisabadgirlfuckmefuckmefuckmefuckmefuckmefuckmefuckmefuckmefuckmejessiheatherica
December 22,23 19800
Stay with me dear diary in this rubber room, they put me in a rubber room……..screaming all day………screaming all……..day……im not me im not angel the bad girl who bleeds I am not the one who sucks blood I am not a killer I am not a murderer I am not I am not I am not I am not
December deeceeeemmmmbeeer hell in december
Dark room rubber room I hate you I’ll be good now dr. stone please let me out angel will be a good girl now I promise I promise not to kill y0u I dont want 2 kill youuuu I am not a killeeeeer remember
IT WAS THE SCARECROW MAN THE SCARECROW MAN THE SCARECROW MAN THE SCARECROW MAN THE SCARECROW MAN JUST LIKE AT HALLOWEEN
mom, shes coming. I can see her outside my window. She’s all bloody just like the kids at school said she would be, her white dress is all bloody mommy and she’s coming mommy save me save me from the bloody girl bloody mommy bloody girl bloody mommy bloody girl
why did you leave me mom dad. Why did you leave me in this place do you not love your only daughter how could you let them take me away do you not believe me when I said It wasn’t me you know I love heather
it’s a polaroid camera I loved that picture it was my favorite picture of me and heather and ron and steve and amy, oh my sweet amy do you belive yur aunt angel, willie willie willie wont go home I miss yuou so much amy
30 days in the hole I used to ply withmy self to that song but not as much as zeppln cant play with myself ina straitjaket
How mny days in the hole no more shots no more shots please dr stone no more myblack hair falling ovur my eyes arms wrapped tite in straitjaket
head is killng me pain horrible pain stay with me dear diay slurring words confusion is this real
angle is a good girl and I bathed in hur blood, the scarecrow man did it from the rooftop
I remember………I remeber I do remembr n o jess only me only angel
Thank you dear diary for staying with me even tho you r locked in my room on the secod floor you r my best friend please stay with me help me get throuhg
plese let me ot dr.stone pleaseplease cant take much more gimmie a break gimmie a chance gimmie shok treatmnt thank u foor tha ramons the concer was fun…….so tired……so fucking tired……sleep…..slee
April 10th 1984
Hi
March 2nd 1986
I’m better now. Really, I am.
November 14th 1990
Long time, no talk I guess. It’s been so long since I’ve written in here. I’m not really sure of what I should say. I’ve been through a lot since I’ve last written anything. I think I’ve had enough pills and shots to make a druggie satisfied for the rest of their life. I’m sorry that I neglected you for so long. I just couldn’t write anymore, back then. I had one hell of meltdown ten years ago. It seems like a lifetime ago though. I guess it was bound to happen sometime. I had shut out everything that happened in the garage that night. I knew it all was true, I just couldn’t handle it. I guess I did what I had to just to survive in this place. And here I am, thirty eight years old and still here. Yesterday, I read through a lot of the things I wrote from years ago. I couldn’t believe all of it. I was sickened by it. I ripped the pages out and shredded them in Dr. Stones office. I never want anyone to know of the things that went on in my mind from that time. But, it is what it is and I won’t deny any of it. I had made up Jessica because I missed Heather so incredibly much. We, I mean I, sure did have some fun though, sexually that is. I haven’t masturbated in ten years. Can you believe that? I do get the urge to at times, but I’m afraid to try because I know I’ll go over the deep end again and start touching myself everyday like I use to. That isn’t healthy. I can’t do that to myself again. Susan still comes to visit me. I thought she was going to give up on me during the rubber room days, but she didn’t and I am so thankful. She came even when I was wrapped up in that straitjacket, drugged out of my mind from all the sedatives Dr. Stone was giving me. Eventually I came out of it, a year and two months later. I know, it sounds horrifying spending a year in a straitjacket, stuck in a rubber room, but I survived it. And I haven’t been back since and I don’t plan on going back. I know the truth about what happened in 1974. I don’t hide from it anymore. But, it still scares me. That thing I saw. And I still clam up like a scared child every June 17th, but I don’t blackout anymore. I’ve come a long way since those days. I’ve moved rooms a few times. Anita finally stopped being afraid of me about six years ago and started talking to me again. And I still fix up the ladies hair for bingo night. My weekend rights were renewed four years ago, so I’m glad that I still get to leave for a while every Saturday. I’m a lot calmer these days, not as jumpy and nervous and manic. I feel clear headed since I’ve accepted my fate and the truth and reality of that night Heather died. I’m still so very sad that she is gone though, and Ron and Steve too. Susan’s coming to visit today as usual. We talk about Heather and I when we were kids growing up together and she tells me about Amy, and I am so worried about her. From what Susan tells me, she’s not herself anymore. Something has happened to her. I wish I was there to help her. Before I go, there is one thing I would like to say to you. We’re friend’s again dear diary. I hope you don’t mind me calling you that again.
January 5th 1991
Hello dear diary, I talked with Susan today. She thinks Amy might be working, if that’s what you want to call it, at this strip club. It’s a nasty, dirty hell hole dear diary. It’s been around since the early seventies. Heather actually worked there for a couple of months. I hated it knowing that she was taking her clothes off for money and now hearing that her daughter is doing the same thing just breaks my heart. What is wrong with Amy? She can do anything she wants with her life. Why does it have to be that?
March 22nd 1991
I’m officially pushing forty today dear diary. Thirty nine freaking years old. Wow.
June 17th 1991
Hi there dear diary. Yes, it’s been a hard day. I’ve mostly been crying but it’s like that every year.
September 2nd 1991
Ok dear diary, I’m struggling with something. I think you know what it is to. I haven’t felt this good in years. I thought about masturbating today. I know, I’m horrible. I can’t help it though. I’m a fully grown thirty nine year old woman and I still have urges and feelings. It’s not like I’m eighty or something. Would that make me a bad person if I touched myself dear diary?
September 3rd 1991
Well, I did it dear diary. I waited till lights out and then about an hour just to make sure everyone was asleep. Ok, I know that’s silly because no one can hear me anyway, heck I don’t even lock my door at night, I know these ladies pretty well around here. They are very low key and keep to themselves. Anyway, I did it in the bathroom. Yes, dear diary, on the toilet. My goodness this so embarrassing. I haven’t done that for years. I suppose it felt good. I didn’t have an orgasm. I felt guilty at first but then it started feeling good. It only lasted a few minutes. I was afraid it might hurt if I tried to make myself orgasm after not doing it for ten years. And you’re probably wondering dear diary, yes, I smelled my hand when I was done and it was strange because I haven’t done that forever. It didn’t stink or wasn’t even arousing but it did seem, oh, I don’t know, more mature like, womanly I guess.
September 14th 1991
Th
ey’re building a new gift shop down in the lobby. I’m going to put in a request to work there. I’ve done so many odd jobs around this place dear diary. Let’s see, laundry when I first came here, then the cafeteria, dishwasher, line cook, cashier, clean up crew, window washer, even housekeeping. And of course my side job of resident hairdresser and beautician.
September 16th 1991
So, I masturbated again today. I reached orgasm too dear diary. It felt really good after all these years, I’m not going to lie. I think it’s going to be ok. I won’t let it get out of control. There’s nothing wrong with getting to know myself again.
October 5th 1991
I can really see the heartache in Susan’s eyes every time I see her. She is just worried sick over Amy. She says she wakes up screaming in the middle of the night with nightmares sometimes. I told her she just needs to sit Amy down and talk to her. Don’t yell or scream but just talk, like we do. Let her know that what she is doing isn’t right.
October 10th 1991
So, there is this new house keeping kid we have on our floor. Cute as hell kid too; he’s probably fifteen or sixteen. I know dear diary, I shouldn’t be saying that about some teenage boy especially when I’m a grown woman of thirty nine, but my gosh, I just want to hold him close to me and stroke his hair. I know, that’s hilarious dear diary and it is. Maybe it’s a maternal thing. By the way dear diary, he is real, unlike Jessica. I miss her sometimes.
December 1st 1991