To Serve and Submit

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To Serve and Submit Page 10

by Susan Wright


  “Whatever you desire, Mistress,” I responded as I had been taught. I went limp under her hands because to resist would provoke her even more.

  “If you can’t control yourself, I’ll do it for you.” Helanas dragged me over to the wall. I huddled down, making sure I didn’t glance back at Lexander. Helanas was ever ready to find me at fault. Lately, looking at Lexander had become my most serious infraction.

  Helanas flung open a chest and tore the cushions and blankets from it. “Get in!”

  I climbed into the small space, lying on my side and bending my knees so I could fit. The last thing I saw was Helanas, her face twisted in an ugly, helpless expression. As the lid fell and darkness engulfed me, I realized it was jealousy. I had never seen any sign of tenderness between Helanas and Lexander, but from my new vantage point, it appeared as if she felt the same about me as I did about Qamaniq. It was very strange because I thought Helanas hated Lexander. But I couldn’t doubt my own eyes.

  I took a few deep breaths, my fingers seeking out the cracks where cool air poured in. There were distant murmurs as the training continued. Lexander hadn’t protested my punishment. He never did. He was probably engrossed in the satisfaction Qamaniq was giving him. He wouldn’t miss me when the winged ship came to take me away.

  I tensed as sharp pains shot through my legs and back. I wanted nothing more than to turn and stretch hard in relief. But I was trapped, for how long was anyone’s guess. I had been bound all night before, but never had I been shut inside a chest.

  Breathing slowly and deeply, I relaxed every muscle, starting from my toes all the way up to my neck. It took concentration to keep from clenching back up, especially when someone banged on the lid of the chest a few times. It must have been Helanas. I ignored her as I focused on releasing every trace of resistance, falling into that deep pool inside of me that was never ruffled, never emptied. Lexander had trained me to know my body so thoroughly that eventually I was able to drift into a doze, feeling quite comfortable. It probably wasn’t what Helanas expected, but that was the triumph I gained from submission.

  The creak of the latch woke me. I started to rise, but was trapped by the sides of the chest. For a moment, I panicked and almost started thrashing and kicking to try to free myself. Then I remembered Helanas wanted me to lose control. I willed myself to relax to the inevitable.

  The lid opened to darkness. I had been in the chest for a long time.

  Hands reached into the glow of the lamp set on the floor. It was Lexander. He gently lifted me from my confinement. I could feel how strong he was, he did it with such ease. Even I could not stand after such an ordeal, confined for half a day or more. Lexander had shown me scrolls with images of the body and explained that inside us were rivers and streams that watered our flesh like the earth. Now it felt as if my limbs were clogged and sluggish, rendering them numb.

  Lexander’s arms went around me, holding me up. He bent over me, pressing his cheek against my hair. The feel of his body against mine made me nearly swoon with delight. “She’ll tell them that I am too weak with the slaves. But I care not. I could not forget you, Marja.”

  His voice caressed my name, and I closed my eyes, savoring the moment.

  “Tell me,” Lexander whispered, holding me so close, “would you have resented me if I had left you there?”

  “No!” I was shocked at the question. “Never would I resent you.”

  He pulled back to look into my face. His eyes were shadowed by the dim light. “But you do begrudge me my new slaves.”

  Slowly I shook my head. “I belong to you even when you don’t touch me. Yet . . . I cannot help myself. I always long to be by your side.”

  “What if I never saw you again, Marja? Would you still be mine in your heart?”

  “In heart, body, and mind.” I felt the truth of my words in the core of my being. “Always, I will be yours.”

  “You will serve other masters. It is in your nature to give yourself to those who command it.” His head turned, and for a moment there was a struggle on his face. Could it be that he was also jealous of me? It didn’t seem possible, but I had already seen it in Helanas. Lexander surely felt more for me than he wanted to reveal.

  “Go to bed, Marja. You will need your strength for tomorrow.”

  The others were still asleep when I awoke to the sound of olf laughter very early in the morning. The olf had braved the evil spirits that infested Vidaris to come whisper in my ear, “A journey begun is a journey ended.” The olf showed me the winged ship plying the waters off Viinland. They knew I had been expecting the ship to return to take me from Vidaris. The olfs avoided Vidaris because of the evil that dwelled here, so they were delighted I was finally leaving.

  As for Lexander, perhaps he had been forewarned of the ship’s arrival. Last night he had bid me good-bye in his own way, confirming our bond before I was taken away by the winged ship forever.

  I couldn’t bear to think of leaving Lexander, even though I yearned to quit the estate and venture to new places. I passed the chest in the fire hall, with the bedding returned and the lid closed. There was nothing to indicate that something momentous had happened in that spot. My brief talk in the dark with Lexander almost seemed like a dream.

  I never questioned that the great winged ship would arrive this night to take the slaves away and that I would be going with them. In truth, now that I had returned to Jarnby and fulfilled Lexander’s promise to my da, there was no reason for me to stay in Vidaris. Helanas would be glad to see the last of me. And I was as trained as I would ever be.

  There were signs among the older slaves that they were also ready to depart; in their boredom at the routine, the unthinking perfection of their movements, and a restlessness I had not seen before. I waited for them to realize what lay ahead, but it wasn’t until our evening bath that they began to sense something. Lexander and Helanas cleaned the four of us—Rosarin, Sverker, Ansgar, and me—with a thoroughness usually reserved for new arrivals. We were clipped, polished, and scrubbed inside and out.

  Then the new slaves were sent to bed along with Niels and the sisters. Only Niels had seen Bjorn and the other slaves depart Vidaris and recognized as we did that our time had come. His face crumpled as he left the baths. Qamaniq slinked away, casting an envious look over her shoulder at me. With a burst of agony, I realized that my rival would have Lexander’s undivided attention from now on.

  When we were done, Helanas gave us brief tunics to wear. Mine hung by two silver cords from my shoulders and was open on the sides, with a small catch at the waist. The spring weather was not mild, so the steamy warmth of the bathhouse was welcome.

  “Kneel,” Helanas ordered.

  We formed a straight line in front of her, our knees on the wet bricks.

  “Your training is complete,” Helanas told us. “You are now fit to serve.”

  “Where will we go, Mistress?” Sverker asked. He was the bravest with her, though she had beaten him for it in the past.

  Helanas actually smiled this time. “We’ve prepared you specially to serve our own people. You’ll sail to Stanbulin, many days away. From there, you’ll be sent to our native island. You will find that we are a much more advanced society than you are accustomed to. You will have luxuries you’ve never dreamed of.”

  Anything that pleased Helanas was usually something to fear. Yet it could only be good for me to get far away from the evil she wove within Vidaris.

  “Do not be afraid of the many strange things you shall see,” Lexander told us.

  “It is not meant for you to understand your betters,” Helanas put in.

  “Remember your training,” Lexander finished, giving me an intent look. “It will serve you well.”

  I nodded briefly, choking at the thought of seeing him no more. I couldn’t bear it! I had always known this day would come. But I couldn’t hide my distress, and Helanas was gloating over it. But the others had the same stricken, reverent expression that I had seen on Bjorn�
�s face. They were thrilled at the promise of living among superior people like our master and mistress. But I was not so fickle. I belonged to Lexander. It suddenly didn’t seem possible to live without him.

  “You will follow me,” Lexander ordered. And I had to obey.

  I knew what I would see when we reached the open gate. The sun had set and the last light was leaving the sky. I shivered in the chill air and was the only one who looked back at the haushold. Helanas had gone inside, leaving Lexander to take us down to the bay. A great bonfire blazed in the middle of the beach, illuminating the dock. Often Vidaris had a bonfire at night to lure in traders at sea. The longship’s sail was tied down and it rocked gently in the waves, the empty mast swinging from side to side.

  There was no one else in sight as Lexander started down the long flight of wooden steps. None of the freemen or servants could see the beach because of the palisade along the top of the bluff.

  When we stood in a group near the fire, Lexander announced, “This is to be your fate, to serve my people to the best of your ability. Go and give glory unto Vidaris.”

  I looked out to sea, expecting the winged ship to appear. As if a vision descended, the giant white swan sailed toward us out of the darkness. The other slaves were overawed by the sight.

  Lexander knew by their expressions that I had never broken my promise. At his slow nod of acknowledgment, I felt a flush of pride. I also wanted to cry, knowing this was my last service for him.

  We were all trembling now, not from the cold but at the sight of the miraculous ship as it rapidly approached. Rosarin gasped out loud and clutched my arm.

  Lexander moved behind us as it lightly drew up to the dock. The flames of the bonfire reflected in the curved hull.

  I felt Lexander’s hands fall on my shoulders. His fingers held me tightly, as if he didn’t want to let me go. I moaned, knowing I couldn’t bear to leave him.

  A rope ladder fell to touch the dock. “Go now,” Lexander ordered.

  Ansgar was the first to step forward, and like a sleep-walker Sverker followed. Rosarin was right on his heels. But Lexander held me back.

  He whispered in my ear, “Quick, Marja! Slip away and hide among the rocks. Wait there until I come for you.”

  He stepped past me, leaving me staggering in the soft sand. I almost thought I had imagined it, but his piercing look convinced me I had heard correctly. As always I obeyed, backing into the shadows of the cliff, my eyes still fastened on the winged ship. None of the other slaves seemed to notice I was not with them. Lexander followed Rosarin up the ladder.

  I felt the rocks under my feet and climbed over them in the darkness under the bluff. My bare knees got muddy, reminding me of the first time I had seen the winged ship and how I had served my penance. I never did learn the name of the magnate who had touched me so roughly. He had avoided Vidaris along with everyone else since Ejegod’s proclamation of exile.

  Then Lexander reappeared and returned to the fire. I was watching him so closely that I missed the first moment when the ship turned to depart. The sails caught the wind and it moved away swiftly.

  I was gasping, whether it was in disappointment or relief, I did not know. The winged ship sped away like the wind, dwindling to a white blur.

  Lexander glanced toward me, one hand motioning for me to stay. Instantly, my doubts were gone. I had not misunderstood him. Lexander started up the steps to the gate of the estate. I watched him as long as I could, then settled down to wait. It could be a long time, like last night in the chest, but I was doing as he wished and that was enough to satisfy me.

  Lexander soon returned carrying a bundle under one arm. As he neared the base of the cliff, he peered into the darkness. “Marja, you can come out now.”

  I extricated myself from the rocks, scraping my feet and legs. The silk tunic was sodden and stained nearly to my waist. I crossed my arms in front of my stomach as I trembled.

  “Take that off and put on these.” Lexander held out the bundle.

  I opened it and knew from the scent that the clothes had belonged to Rosarin. I shrugged off the flimsy tunic and pulled on the brown suede leggings and knee-length tunic. The boots were my own, the ones I used when I helped unload goods from longships or fetched firewood. When I finished, I slung the long cloak over my shoulders. It was Ansgar’s spring cloak, but it felt heavier than mine.

  Then I stood facing Lexander expectantly. “No questions?” he asked. “Of course you haven’t any. You are the perfect slave, ever willing, ever compliant.”

  I wasn’t sure if he was pleased or not. “I am what you made me.”

  “No, you are what nature made you. And I won’t have you wasted by those like Helanas who would scorn your gift. I’ve saved you from that fate, Marja.”

  “I won’t be sent to your people?” I had to ask.

  “Never, as long as I live. You are too precious to me.”

  He kissed me, his lips taking possession of me. I felt myself falling into him, held in his arms, protected and cherished. I had dreamed of this—Lexander declaring that he desired me above everything else. He had always felt it, now I was sure. He would not let me go because he felt the same as I did.

  “Marja,” he finally said, still holding me tightly. “We’ll be together. I cannot endure it any longer. I will not heed their insatiable demand.”

  I had seen enough to know that he was dissatisfied, but I hadn’t realized his unhappiness ran so deep. It was shocking that a man so powerful could be brought so low. “I will help you,” I pledged. “I would die without you.”

  “Marja!” He shook me slightly. “I fear I’ve been too thorough. You must take care of yourself, as you did in Jarnby. I can’t come with you now. Soon enough I will be able to excuse my departure without raising Helanas’ suspicions.”

  “What am I to do?” I asked, bewildered.

  “Go to Markland to stay with Silveta. She will have to help you.” He pressed a square packet of parchment into my hand. “Here are coins for your passage. Tell Silveta that my price for silence about Birgir is that she protect you until I come.”

  “But I’ve been exiled!” I protested. “I can’t go to Tillfallvik.”

  “You must. The slaves who left may inquire about you, and the ship could return. Then Helanas would discover that you didn’t depart with them.” One corner of his mouth raised. “Tillfallvik is the only place she will not think to look for you. She would never expect you, of all people, to defy Ejegod in his own estate. Will you do it if I ask you to?”

  It was the first time he had requested something rather than simply ordering me to do it. Nonetheless, I felt the same compulsion to agree. “Yes, I will do as you say.”

  “Then come. I’ll show you the road to Brianda, the port in southern Fjardemano. It’s two days’ walk. You can get passage from there to Tillfallvik.”

  My eyes widened. I had never been so far alone before.

  “You know what to do, Marja. Go to Silveta. Don’t tell anyone you are a pleasure slave. I will come for you in Tillfallvik and we shall be reunited.” He kissed me once more, clutching me tight.

  The darkness spread around us as we proceeded along the shore, my hand held tightly in his. We walked in silence, everything said and everything left to do before me. When we reached the mouth of the river, a dirt path wound through the bushes, leading to a bridge. A wagon lane with two ruts disappeared into the darkness on either side.

  Here Lexander hugged me close, murmuring, “I should have left long before, but I needed you to inspire me. You are all I want in this world.” I could have stayed in his arms forever. But too soon he released me. “Go now, and do me proud, Marja.”

  He headed down the lane to Vidaris. I was left alone, clutching my cloak around me.

  Everything in my life had led to this moment. I knew I could do as he asked, what the other slaves could never hope to accomplish. I could strike out across this unknown land and commune with the olfs to safely pass, with my own spirit si
nging in pleasure because I was free to roam.

  With a shiver of anticipation, I stepped into the night and was off.

  Seven

  Yet as I crossed the bridge and ventured down the lane, I faltered. The trees arching overhead shadowed the wan light of the half-moon. I could hardly see to put one foot in front of the other. I was used to playing in the night with the olfs, using their uncanny glow to light my way. But no olfs appeared despite my plaintive summons.

  So I calmed myself, putting aside Lexander’s revelation. I could hardly believe he had openly declared his love for me; I wanted to dance with abandon, giddy with release after such endless longing. But I had to reach Tillfallvik. My hand still clutched the parchment with the weight of coins inside, and I carefully stowed it in the deep pockets of Ansgar’s cloak. I looked out at the ocean as if to glimpse the winged ship through the trees, carrying my slave-mates away to a life I had long envisioned . . .

  When my breathing grew steady, I relaxed and reached out with my senses. The pounding of the ocean beat like the heart of the earth while the night breeze flowed over me. But the land was empty, draining my strength where I should have felt invigorated.

  Instinctively I followed the lane like a lifeline out of the ravenous muck that sought to swallow me whole. I stumbled at first over rocks and fallen branches, but let nothing slacken my pace. Despite the cold air, nervous sweat beaded my skin. I rushed onward, hardly seeing with my eyes, but feeling with the fibers of my being the way to safety, becoming more surefooted the farther I went from Vidaris.

  I know not how long I followed the curving lane through the woods, crossing streams and climbing hills. I heard no sounds of men, only the haunting cries of night birds, the rising and falling drone of insects, and choruses of croaking toads. I might have charged through blind to all but my goal if I hadn’t reached the torrent of a river, swollen by melted snow. The water picked up the glow of the moon and revealed a wide sparkling expanse that I had to cross.

 

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