She is so beautiful. Our life together is just perfect. I’ll love her forever and never let her go.
Rick asked Julie to move in with him and she agreed.
Chapter 7
It was spring, but the chill of winter lingered on and the damp, cold, rainy weather made Julie’s ankle ache. The cast had been removed, but there was swelling and she walked with a cane.
They decided to drive a few hours north to Belleayre to breathe in the clean, dry mountain air. They planned to explore the area, stay at a lodge, and relax by the fire, sipping steaming hot chocolates, for their overnight getaway.
They left the city, leaving the high risers and congestion behind as they drove toward the serenity of the mountains. Once again, Rick was awed by how pretty and sweet Julie was as she sat beside him and thought of how lucky he was to have her in his life.
He often caught guys at school giving her the ‘once over,’ but Julie had chosen him, Rick Newman.
Julie was quiet, as if lost in thought, but suddenly blurted, “Rick, we have to talk.” Her voice was shaky and she seemed troubled. Rick’s first thought was that she wanted to break up with him, and he felt a terrifying pang in his chest. He was not prepared for her next words.
“I’m pregnant.”
Julie can’t be pregnant. I’m too young to be a father. It would ruin everything. Fuck! She’d have to have an abortion.
Rick drove to a quiet, wooded area and headed toward some skinny white birch trees and parked.
“Julie, are you sure? Have you seen a doctor?”
She started crying and couldn’t stop. When she tried to talk, she couldn’t catch her breath. She bit her lower lip hard and slammed her fist down on the dashboard.
“I am pregnant, Rick!” Her voice was high-pitched, near a shriek, and she looked as though she were angry at her own body.
Rick pulled her close and listened.
“I didn’t want anything to change,” she said, sobbing. “I didn’t know how to tell you. I waited one day, then another and another. I’m petrified of what my mother would think. I pushed it out of my mind as if it never happened, but the idea of a baby in me is always there. I thought about you, us…”
“Relax. There’s nothing we can’t handle together. I love you, Julie, but why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I thought about telling you for days but stopped myself. I didn’t want anything to spoil what we have. First, I wasn’t sure if I was pregnant, but I really did know. Things were changing in my body and I bought a home pregnancy kit that confirmed it. I wanted to wait a while longer before I told you so I could still have the peace we shared and take my mind off the anguish I felt. The idea of my mother finding out tormented me.”
Rick looked at her trembling hands.
“My mother would kill me, disown me,” she rambled, “and I could never go back to that town again. You don’t know my mother. Her girls had to be perfect, and for me to have a baby with a Jewish father and not be married, that would be the end for me. I would never see my family again.
“I love you so much. It feels so good knowing I have our baby inside me, but the time is not right, and I don’t know what to do. Kiss me, Rick. I don’t want to think about it. Let’s lose ourselves here for a few minutes, as if nothing changed. Let’s be like we were. Kiss me, and don’t say anything.”
Rick kissed her. His face was wet with Julie’s tears, and he felt her body trembling under her jacket.
I cannot have a baby in my life. Not now.
Her face was shiny and wet from crying. Rick looked into her eyes and wiped her tears away with his thumbs. He didn’t know what to think.
He knew they took precautions, so how could this happen? Was it intentional? Oh, except that first time. It might have happened then.
They held each other and talked. She bit her lip again until it was sore as more tears rolled down her face. Rick’s breath quickened.
She has to have an abortion, she just has to.
Rick sat quietly and stared at the leafless white birches. He saw tiny birds on the branches at the beginning of their lives, with the new birth of spring. He looked at Julie, her head down, her eyes red and swollen. She was quiet, drained. He took her cold hand, put it to his lips, kissed it, and kept it there.
“We’ll work things out. Everything will be okay.”
They turned toward Manhattan and talked along the way. Julie’s tears subsided.
“What should we do, Rick?”
“Be happy that we have each other. We’ll work it out.”
“But how? My parents are old school and not only ‘old school’ but ‘small town old school,’ where everybody knows everything about what’s going on, along with whom and when and why. There are no secrets in Newark, none!”
“Julie, we’re smart. We’ll work it out.”
“Tell me what to do, I can’t handle this!” She sobbed again.
“First, let’s try to relax. We have time to figure it out and then everything will fall into place. What do you want to do later this afternoon, when we get back to the Village?”
“I want to go to church.”
“Church, of course, yes, and I’ll go with you,” Rick blurted out. “I promise I—”
“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” Julie interrupted, looking straight at him.
“I do want to and I want to do it with you.”
“Have you ever been to church before?”
“Never, but I want to go with you. I will do anything you want, anything. All the choices will be yours, and I’ll help you. We can work out anything together.”
“Okay, it would make me feel better, going to church with you.” She rubbed her red eyes.
God, how did I let this happen?
Rick was scared. He was too young, way too young to be a father. His mind was racing. No education meant menial jobs. He wanted to be a college professor. He wanted, more than anything else, to be independent and have a PhD after his name.
***
When they got back to the city, they walked to the Church of St. Joseph in Greenwich Village, near NYU. The church was empty, except for two elderly women lighting candles in front of a statue of a lovely woman dressed in a long blue and white garment. Her arms were outstretched in a welcoming, motherly gesture and a white veil covered her head.
They walked to one of the front pews. Julie stood silently for a moment, then genuflected, entered the pew, and knelt on the padded kneeler in front of the bench.
Rick felt awkward in the church. Everything was unfamiliar, but he knelt alongside Julie as she prayed. Her hands were clasped in front of her lips and her eyes were closed. Tears slid down her cheeks. Her face was solemn.
After a few moments, Julie stood and motioned Rick to follow her toward a side altar and the statue of the woman dressed in blue. The plaque at the bottom of the statue read Mother Mary. Julie lit a candle, then knelt and prayed again.
As they left the church, Julie’s face lit up, and she smiled at Rick. She explained that she prayed to St. Jude and to the Virgin Mary.
“I love you, Rick. Thank you for coming with me. We’ll work things out,” she said, painting on a smile.
Later that night, they walked to Cafe Reggio on MacDougal Street to sip frothy cappuccinos. They sat by the large plate glass window surrounded by strips of green tapestry and looked out to the street as they listened to the music of Simon and Garfunkel playing quietly in the background.
Rick sat motionless at the table with his head down. He took a sip of his coffee and peeked up at Julie. “Do you want to have the baby? Please, let me know what you want.”
“I have to. There’s no other choice for me. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt our baby if that’s what you mean. It would be wrong.”
“Okay, so that part is settled. Whatever we do, we will do together. Do you want to get married?” He tried to take back what he just said, but it was too late. The words were out.
Thankfully, she took it in good humor. “Rick, if that’s a proposal, you have to do better than that.” She glanced around the café. “I want a more romantic atmosphere than this.”
“What’s wrong with Reggio’s? It will make them famous. I can see the headlines now: ‘Man proposes to hot woman over hot cappuccino.’”
Julie laughed. “First of all, I’m not that hot, and secondly, Reggio’s is famous enough. Save your proposal for Washington Square Park at sunset. We both know we’ll get married. I want to be your wife more than anything else, but not now. My head is too messed up, and I’m afraid of my parents and what they would say.”
“Honey, relax. I don’t know how to say this or what you’ll think of me for saying it, but tell me if you want to keep the baby.”
Julie paused and looked down. “I don’t know, Rick. I don’t know.”
“We have time. Everything has a solution, and we’ll find it. I’ll always be here for you. We’re one, and we’ll always be that way.”
What is she thinking? She already said she would have the baby. Would she want to keep it? Give it up for adoption?
Nothing was certain.
Over the next few days, Rick and Julie started to sort things out. Since the baby was scheduled to be born over the long Christmas break, things would be easier. They wouldn’t have to balance school with the baby’s birth. Julie would tell her friends they’d eloped and gotten married.
Rick was determined he would not give up his plan to get his PhD. He hoped Julie would choose to give up the baby for adoption. If not, he would be more assertive.
The next morning, Julie was up early. She went out for a while and when she returned, she ran to Rick’s arms in tears. She tried to speak, but couldn’t catch her breath. He held her tight, rocking her back and forth.
“Rick, you were sleeping. I was up all night. I went to church and spoke to Father Benson. Oh Rick, what did I do? He’s one of the older priests at St. Joseph’s, and he wasn’t very nice to me.” She groaned, pulling Rick even tighter, and took a deep breath. “He was stern, scolded me like a child.” Her voice cracked as she spoke. “He told me I had sinned for committing a sexual act outside of marriage.”
Rick’s eyes were shut tight and his lips clenched as he held her. He felt her tears rub against his cheeks. He wasn’t sure what to say. He tried to calm her quivering body by holding her close and rubbing her back.
“Relax, honey. Everything will be all right,” he whispered. “I didn’t think the church did those things anymore.”
“They do,” Julie snapped. “I needed a younger priest, someone who was more understanding of me and not just feeding me the same old crap. Father Benson told me I would have to repent my sin in Confession and promise not to sin again if I wanted to be forgiven by God and receive Holy Communion.”
Rick held her tight and rocked with her as he kissed her tears. He stepped back for a moment and looked at her. Her eyes were red and her lips were tightly pressed together. He started to kiss her, but she pulled away.
“He went on and on, Rick, berating me. I couldn’t stop crying. He told me crying wouldn’t help me and I should have thought before I sinned. He was just spouting out the church’s damn dogma as if he were a machine. But it was true. I should have thought of the consequences instead of thinking our love would always make things all right.” Julie paused and wiped her eyes. “He told me the baby must be baptized in the Catholic Church, and if I marry you, a Jew, you would have to promise to rear our children as Catholics.”
Rick closed his eyes, shook his head in disbelief, and heaved a heavy sigh. He felt his eyes watering as a tear made its way down his cheek.
“He scared me!” Julie screamed, tangling her fingers in her hair. “The church is harsh, not kind. I ran out in tears and felt a sharp pain in my stomach, like someone was punching me. It was a message from God. What did I do? I thought Father Benson would try to help me and be understanding. That bastard, all he did was lay a guilt trip on me and make me feel like a slut.” Rick caught Julie’s gaze as she threw her arms around him and kissed him for a long time.
“The priest said the words my mother would say to me, that I was a whore. She would be just like him. She wouldn’t understand that we were in love. All she would be concerned about would be the gossip it would cause in Newark and how I shamed her by not following the teachings of my faith. ‘Be a good Christian woman’ was all I ever heard. You know I’m not religious, Rick, but there’s something deep down inside of me. It’s just…”
“We’re together, Julie. For better or worse. You will never have to do anything alone. Nothing will split us. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy.”
“I don’t know. Are we ready to have a child together? What about school? Getting our degrees? Getting your PhD? This will kill our future.
“We’d be living in a room somewhere with your father supporting us. It’s all my fault, Rick. I should have stopped us. I shouldn’t have let it happen. I won’t have an abortion, but I can’t keep the baby. That wouldn’t be fair to our baby. Every child should be wanted.”
She’s coming to her senses. Keeping the baby would ruin our future plans.
“That has to be your decision,” Rick advised calmly.
“Well, I’m thinking about giving it up. It’s the only way. How do I visit my parents at Christmas? What if they want to visit me?”
“If you make the decision to give up the baby, that will be your choice and I will support it. Take your time and think about it again over the next few days. Nothing is an emergency. We will figure it out.”
“I did think about it. Giving the baby up for adoption is the only choice.”
“Okay, I respect your decision. We have to find out where and how to do it, Julie. Maybe it’s better doing it out of state. We could always explain away the reasons why you can’t go home for the holidays. I doubt they’ll want to come here.”
“Let me be the one to take care of the details. It will be painful enough, but I want to do it my way and by myself. I’ll find out what I have to do and where I have to go. Maybe it’s the mother in me speaking, but I feel strongly about making all the decisions about our baby. Still, you’re the father. Is that all right with you?”
“Yes, of course. Do what you feel is right. I will be there for you. Only you know what it feels like having a baby inside you.”
It was the saddest thing Rick could think of doing, giving up their love child. When the baby grew up, he or she would never know anything about them. He wondered what the child would look like many years into the future and hoped it would be a girl and look like Julie.
***
Christmas was almost upon them. Julie telephoned her parents and told them she wouldn’t be home for the holidays because she still had some lingering pain from her broken ankle and the orthopedist wanted her to be close by so he could monitor her recovery for a few more weeks.
It seemed like a lame excuse, but her parents bought it. Julie was picked up by a driver from an unwed mother’s home and taken to New Jersey to await the baby’s birth. The baby would be born at a nearby hospital toward the end of the Christmas holiday.
Rick thought it strange that Julie wanted to make the arrangements on her own and not tell him where she was going, but he trusted her implicitly. She called him from where she was staying and told him she was all right and getting good care.
Christmas passed and the baby arrived on New Year’s Eve, a birth date that could never be forgotten.
Julie called. “Rick, it’s a boy, seven pounds three ounces, and we’re both doing fine.”
“How do you feel? Can I come and see you? I love you.”
“I love you more.” Her voice was weak. “They don’t allow visitors. I am feeling good, a little sore down there, and tired, but it was a short labor and he’s a healthy boy. I named him Eric John, after my father.”
“Nice. Does he get to keep that name when he’s adopted?”
>
“I’m not sure. I miss you so much.”
“I miss you too. I can see you smiling.”
“I am, I really am. I guess you can see me. I’m smiling for you, but there’s more to tell you.”
“What?”
“I’ll tell you when I get home. They said they would drive me back in three days and then I have to take it easy for a while.”
“I know. I’ll spoil you like no girl has ever been spoiled.”
“I’m not a girl anymore. I’m a woman now. I have to go to sleep. They’ll be bringing Eric in later, but I have to sleep for a while.”
“Okay, love you.”
“Love you too. Kiss.”
Chapter 8
Julie came home near the evening a few days later. Rick held her in his arms, kissed her, and glanced down to look at her smaller tummy. It still showed somewhat of a bulge.
Julie was tired. She tumbled into bed and Rick soon followed. They kissed and cuddled for a while until Julie fell into a deep sleep.
Morning came. Rick opened his eyes as the bright sunlight slipped through the slats of the wooden shutters. His arms were still around Julie’s swollen breasts. He looked at her as she slept, calm and peaceful like an angel, and watched her eyes flutter open.
She looked at Rick, yawned, and leaned over to kiss him. She still appeared a little sleepy, not quite ready to greet the day, but she put Rick’s hand to her lips, kissed it, and held it there as she looked up at him.
They each showered and dressed. Julie looked beautiful and well-rested. Rick made breakfast—fresh squeezed orange juice, scrambled eggs, warm croissants, and dark, bold coffee.
“Rick, let’s get married,” she blurted.
“We will, honey.You know that.”
“I mean now.”
Meeting Max Page 6