“Are you sure you hadn’t been watching porn?” Karina asked, and was hit with the couch pillows again. “What? I’m just saying. That sounds more like porn than rom coms.”
Amanda shook her head at her friend’s wit. “Well, here’s where the story begins to diverge from both of those...um...art forms. Instead of being overcome by my loveliness, he acted like he was being wrapped up by a poisonous snake. He disentangled himself, grabbed my upper arms, pushed me away to arms length and yelled. Yelled at me, at the top of his lungs. He had never raised his voice to me before.”
“What did he yell?” asked Sam, fascinated.
“That I was too young, and it was never going to happen. Never. God, I was so humiliated. I grabbed my shirt up and held it to my chest, and burst into tears. I ran all the way back to the house like that, crying and holding my shirt.”
“What happened next?” Lauren inquired gently.
“Well, by the next morning, I had come to my senses. I realized that Justin was the only boy I’d ever loved. In my 17 year old mind, he seemed like the only boy I ever would love. I realized that if we could only ever be the best of friends, I would have to content myself with that. It would have to be enough. I couldn’t lose him like that.” Amanda felt herself starting to tear up, but she pressed on.“I went down to the bunkhouse to apologize. To tell him that I was an idiot, and to beg him to forget that the night before had ever happened.”
Amanda sat in silence, looking at the ground. The other three were able to take only a few bare moments of this suspense before they cried in unison, “AND??? What happened?”
Amanda continued looking at the ground as she began to slowly shake her head. “Nothing,” she replied evenly. “Nothing happened, because he was gone. All of his things were gone. The bunkhouse was scrubbed bare, like no one had ever been there. Except for one small square of paper sitting on the middle of his bed, on which he had written, ‘Amanda. Forget about me. Justin.’ And that’s the last I ever heard from him.”
“Wow.” Sam breathed.
“Maybe he’s on Facebook,” Karina said reasonably, and this time her arms were already up to block the flying pillows, “I’m just saying! You’d never know if he was. My Grandma could try to look him up for you.”
“No,” Amanda sighed sadly, “All joking aside, I’ve never looked for him. I’ve tried to respect his wishes. But I think about him all the time.” Her tears spilled over, “It’s ironic, you know? We’d been friends since I was 6 years old, and from the first instant we met, I would do anything for him. He could have told me to walk through fire, and I would have done it without question. He must have known that. He never took advantage. He never asked me to do anything for him, nothing in all the years we knew each other.
“Except for that one, simple thing. ‘Amanda. Forget about me.’ The very last words he ever said to me, the only thing he ever asked of me, and it was the one thing I was never able to do.”
Chapter 3
The morning of the reading of Parker Jacobs' will dawned far more brightly than Amanda thought appropriate for such a life-alteringly sober occasion. If it were up to her, in fact, the sun would never shine the same way again.
She sat at her kitchen table, drinking her first mug of piping hot coffee of the day, watching the sun as it slowly began to crest over the horizon. This had always been her favorite time of day, watching the world wake up. The trees, the plants, the birds, the animals - it had always seemed to her that the unfolding of morning in her little corner of mountain paradise was even more majestic than in other parts of the world.
As she listened to the birds chirp out their morning songs and watched white crystalline brightness begin to peek through the upturned branches of the pine trees outside her window, she marveled at how nature's beautiful sunrise dance was still playing out in exactly the same fashion as it had before her father had died.
It was so amazing to her how the rest of the world just kept on spinning as if nothing had happened. Didn't they know? Couldn't they feel it? Couldn't they sense the tectonic shift that had occurred the minute that one of the greatest souls ever to grace the earth had left it?
Amanda sighed to herself. She knew she was being self-indulgent. She didn't care. After all, wasn't that part of being self-indulgent? You couldn't enjoy a proper pity party if you felt guilty about it at the same time. Waste of a perfectly good pity party!
She smiled. That sounded like something Karina would say.
As if magically summoned by Amanda's affectionate thoughts about her, Karina padded into the kitchen like a sleek and supple alley cat. She stretched her arms over her head and yawned with leonine grace before folding herself into the chair opposite Amanda and pushing her soft dark hair out of her sleepy face.
"You're up early," Amanda remarked, "I didn't expect to see any of the three of you for several hours yet."
"Believe me, this isn't usual," Karina grumbled, picking up Amanda's mug and taking a generous swallow, "Usually if I see the sunrise, it's because I haven't been to bed yet."
Amanda smiled, taking her turn at drinking from the mug of coffee, and then setting it back down even closer to the middle of the table to show her friend that she, as well, had comfortably fallen back into their teenage habit of share and share alike. "This is my favorite time of day. It's quiet, and bright, and the air feels clean. I sit here every morning to take it in and prepare for the day. I don't know how successfully I was managing to prepare for today, however. This one will be quite a hurdle."
Karina closed her long, graceful fingers over Amanda's small, elfin hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. "We're here for you, babe. Anything you need. We're the Fabulous Four again. Nothing we can't accomplish. And that includes holding you up when you can't do it yourself."
The words comforted Amanda in a way that the beauty of the morning hadn't been able to. "In your world, I think they refer to this kind of thing as 'getting the old band back together' right?"
Karina laughed, "I don't think anyone actually says that outside of cheesy eighties movies, but, yes, I think that's exactly the sentiment I was aiming for."
They were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening, and they exchanged startled looks. Amanda was about to voice her confusion when a sweaty and breathless Sam strode into the kitchen, body encased in skintight spandex and cheeks suffused with a healthy glow.
"Morning, girls!" she enthused as she opened the fridge and took out a water bottle.
"I thought I was the only one that got up this early!" Amanda exclaimed.
"Please." Teased Sam, waving her hand dismissively, "I've already done six miles. I'm in training. You two are lightweights."
"Well, then," Karina returned in the same teasing tone, "I guess Lauren's the only sleepyhead!"
"Who's the only what?" said Lauren as she entered the kitchen from the office hallway, typing furiously on her smartphone.
She was fully dressed, makeup impeccably applied, and hair swept back in an intricate updo.
Amanda and Karina eyed each other's garb, Amanda in her flannel pajama bottoms and oversized T-shirt and Karina in her men's boxer shorts and tank top, and burst out laughing. Amanda managed to breathlessly squeak out, "You are the sleepyhead!"
Lauren glanced up distractedly and then immediately began tapping her thumbs against the tiny QWERTY keyboard as she spoke.
"No, I've been up for hours. Start of business on the east coast is 5 am here..." she trailed off as her attention became completely consumed again by what she was typing.
Amanda smiled contentedly as she got up to start scrambling some eggs for her newly reunited best friends. Sure, maybe now, after her father's death, she wouldn't ever be able to enjoy her old solitary morning routine in the same way. Maybe that particular ritual would forever be tinged with melancholy. But this crazy, impromptu sunrise gathering of the Fabulous Four had shown her that, while some things may never be the same again, they could be replaced with things that were
equally as joyous.
For the first time Amanda opened herself up to the possibility that she might one day be whole again.
Chapter 4
"Manda Bear?" came a deep and rumbling voice from the front door of Amanda's house later that afternoon, "Are you here?"
Amanda called, "In the living room, Uncle Henry!"
Geoffrey huffed disapprovingly down at Amanda. "Really, it's hardly appropriate for your attorney to address you so informally, Amanda. You really must speak to him about it. And honestly, if he's in jeans and cowboy boots..."
Karina snorted. "Oh, stuff it, Go Free. He's her Godfather. I think the lawyer-client rules of decorum are generally suspended when the lawyer used to change the client's diapers."
Amanda blushed and exclaimed, "Karina!" just as Henry entered the living room, in full rancher regalia.
He warmly greeted the four women, and mumbled an annoyed hello to Geoffrey. Henry had never made any secret of the fact that he couldn't stand Amanda's boyfriend.
"Well, there are my girls!" He thundered. "I haven't seen you all in month of Sundays. It's so good to see you all together again, the way you belong. What did you used to call yourselves? The Fantastic Four?"
Samantha laughed, "I can't believe you remember that! It's the Fabulous Four, though. The Fantastic Four are superheroes."
"Well," Henry enthused, "It seems to me that anyone who can make my sweet Manda Bear smile with all she's going through qualifies for that title. I for one think you all are super human." He cut a sideways glance at Geoffrey and grumbled, "Or at least human."
Geoffrey rolled his eyes and intoned tightly, "Yes, well, why don't we just get started?"
Henry pretended not to hear him. "Manda girl, I sure am thirsty after that drive out from my place. You think you could bring me some of your good old sweet tea?"
Amanda was up and bustling into the kitchen before Henry had even finished his sentence. She returned a several moments later carrying a tray containing several small mason jars with colorful straws poking out from the top, filled with golden iced tea, ice cubes, and sprigs of mint resting near the straws.
"Good Lord!" cried Geoffrey, "We're drinking out of jars now. Are we in Mayberry?"
"They're decorative!" Karina defended fiercely, seeing Amanda's wounded look, "I think they're adorable. And if you don't agree, you can feel free to GO FREE!"
With that, the girls and Henry started forward to claim their jars of sweet tea, but Geoffrey stopped the procession again with a huff. "Is the refreshment really that critical? Can we please just get started with what we came here to do today?"
Henry gave Geoffrey an exasperated clap on the shoulder, which Geoffrey attempted to duck but was unable to. "Son," Henry intoned, "I don't know why you're so all fired eager to get this show on the road, seeing as how you don't even have a horse in this race, but the truth is, we need to wait for everybody to get here."
Geoffrey was taken aback. Looking pointedly at Karina, Samantha and Lauren, he said, "Who in bloody hell else is coming to this will reading now?"
"Well, I guess that would be me," a dry voice intoned from the archway leading into the living room.
Amanda looked up and froze. She couldn't believe it. Was she imagining this? Had grief rendered her brain so addled that she was suffering from hallucinations?
She took in the figure before her. At six feet and two inches tall, he towered over her by almost a foot. His dark brown hair was wind-ruffled and disheveled, and his skin and hands were work roughened. Both of those things only added to his rugged handsomeness, which was solidified by his wide shoulders and muscular arms. This was clearly someone who didn't shy away from hard, physical labor – and it looked good on him.
"Hi, Amanda," she heard the handsome figure say, softly, hesitantly, as he looked into her stricken blue eyes with his warm brown ones. Then she knew it was true. She felt it like a lightning bolt, and then her entire body went completely numb. The tray of iced tea jars slipped from her fingers and crashed to the floor. In some remote corner of her mind, she felt them leave her suddenly clumsy hands, she heard them crash when they hit the ground, and she felt the icy liquid splash her calves. But it all seemed far enough away that it might be happening in a movie, or a dream. Her reality had shrunk to the pair of magnetic eyes that felt as if they were boring into her soul.
In a tiny, tremulous voice that was all she could muster, Amanda replied, "Hi, Justin."
Chapter 5
Justin Barnes had returned home, he supposed, although he felt more like he was in some virtual reality representation of a dream than the actual town of his childhood.
Hope Falls. Damn. It had been a long time since he'd dared to utter those words, even in his own mind. Thinking back on the quaint facade of Main Street, which he had entered town through, he felt that the homey appearance of this little burg belied the pain that people went through here.
Well, that he had gone through anyway. Hope Falls down. Hope Falls away. Hope Falls apart. That was more like it.
There was only one good thing that had ever happened to him here, and her name was Amanda Jacobs. The girl standing in front of him now. His first love. His only love, really. Sure, he'd felt lust for other women. Affection, even. But nothing like he'd felt for Amanda, the girl who had been his best friend as a child and the object of his white hot passion as a young man.
Five feet two inches of blonde mischief. Skin you could melt into, and blue eyes that could hypnotize you. Curvy hips, a tiny little waist, and full soft breasts. She looked like she was made for picking up and pressing against a wall while you kissed her passionately, or fitting neatly onto your lap in a chair while making out. Scenarios that, among many others, he had fantasized many times. He loved the girl.
But, of course, just like every other crazy aspect of his life, the course of his true love had not run smooth.
She had been 16 years old and he 20 when he had begun to realize that he didn't see Amanda as merely his much-adored surrogate little sister, as he had since the day they had met at ages 6 and 10, but rather as a crushingly beautiful young woman that he was very much in love with.
He could remember it as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. It hadn't been any kind of a special occasion; it was one moment out of the thousands they'd spent together, one ordinary morning, just like any other.
He had come down for breakfast that morning, walked into the kitchen and seen Amanda, and for some reason that he would never be able to truly pinpoint, had seen her that day as if it was the first time he had laid eyes on her.
Something about the way her lovely golden head was angelically bent over her cereal, the graceful way her hand moved the spoon from the bowl to her mouth and the almost sensual curve of her fingers as she held it. The way that her shoulders rounded, the shape of her long and lovely neck. The sparkle in her blue eyes when she looked up and saw him. The supple shape of her lips as they curved into a wide smile at the sight of him.
All of these things that he had seen every single day, hundreds upon hundreds of times, but never really noticed before conspired as one to create a picture of Amanda that he had never before allowed himself to be conscious of – that of, not a kid, but a beautiful young woman.
The crazy thing about it was, much like one of those puzzles where your eyes must pick out a word from what at first looks like a meaningless mass of squiggles, once it was seen it could not be Unseen.
Justin knew that this was true because he tried and failed to do just that many times. He didn't want to be in love with Amanda. He had been perfectly satisfied with their previous platonic relationship. The teasing, the kidding around, the being able to talk to each other about anything, the always having each others' back. All of that had been perfectly fine with him. But now, it was ruined. Ruined by her beauty, or possibly ruined by his lack of ability to control his reaction to her beauty. Either way, ruined.
He had fallen in love with her in that moment 11 years ago, and
there was no going back.
Obviously he hadn't acted on it. That would have been inexcusable. Forget the fact that it would have been a crime. More importantly, it would have been a betrayal. The one thing in the world that Justin knew, even at that young age, is that he would rather die than betray Amanda and Parker Jacobs.
So, every single day, he kept his emotions locked down. He strictly monitored every facial expression, every word, every tone, every gesture, making sure that his true feelings never shone through. One would think that he could have luxuriated in the fantasy of what could be between the two of them after they were both adults, on equal footing, but that was a luxury he never allowed himself, not for one moment. It would have been disrespectful, and moreover, dangerous. You can't maintain iron-willed control over a passion as fiery as Justin's when you let your dedication to the task slip for even a millisecond. The only way that Justin could make it through day after heady day in Amanda's presence was to make himself believe with his entire heart, soul, and mind that they could never be together.
If there were ever even a tiny chink in the steel armor of that belief, armor that he spent every single day and especially night fortifying, Justin didn't know if he could control the flood of emotion that would come rushing through. Much like a giant dam held back by a single wall, the entire structure needed to remain sound in order to hold back the tidal wave of destruction that would result from even the smallest crack.
And now he was seeing her again, for the first time in a decade, a long decade during which he had missed her every day.
It wasn't like she was all he thought about, obviously. He had gone on to create a life for himself. He had friends, a job, even relationships. But if he had said that even a single day had gone by in ten years when there wasn't at least a moment - one small moment - when something had reminded him of Amanda and he had felt a bittersweet longing inside, well, that would have been a bald-faced lie.
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